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How to get over the heartbreak(s) and stay in a relationship?

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Old 12th March 2019, 12:49 PM   #1
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How to get over the heartbreak(s) and stay in a relationship?

I have been in a very complicated long distance relationship for the last few years. We are both in our 40's, our past and backgrounds are vastly different when it comes to romantic relationships. Each of us has their own issues to address. During the course of our romance we have gone through all sorts of crisis situations together: starting to date while his divorce was still going on, illnesses, deaths in family, cheating (him), relationship abandonment (me) and all the "usual" conflict that comes with trying to be together over distance. We have broken up twice since knowing each other, and both suffered immensely over the months apart.

Leaving the relationship (unless my partner breaks it off) is not an option for me.

I don't want to leave, but my heart has been broken more times than I can count in ways large and small. It would take pages to write it all out, so I'm sticking to the summary. No matter what happens, I continue to love my partner. Even though logically the relationship could have ended at many points in the past, I decided that I am not willing to terminate. The pain and suffering of loosing the love of my life is just too much. So I choose to stay in our current situation.

We are currently trying to work out some sort of normalcy to our being together. The negatives continue to pile on, and I'm finding it very difficult to let go of bitterness and anger. Our relationship is not without joys (or else we wouldn't stay in it). It's just so hard for me to stay focused on the positives lately. The disappointments keep coming with concerning regularity. I am feeling a little crazy - like maybe i'm making them up, or maybe i'm too demanding. Maybe I am the problem and I just have to get over myself somehow.

What I want is to be able to function in a positive manner, yet i'm finding it almost impossible to let go of all the grievances I have. I find it hard to be loving and receptive. But I really do love him. How do you let go?
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:08 PM   #2
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Try making lists of the good & the bad.

Also keep a gratitudes journal for yourself. Every morning write down 3 good things -- they can be little or profound. Every night read the morning ones & write 3 different ones. On Saturday read over the whole week. It helps to combat the bitterness by reminding you there is sweetness.
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:17 PM   #3
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I found myself wondering when I read your post, “Why, would you ever want to stay in this relationship?” To be honest, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for you.

Sometimes, love isn’t enough. It’s easy for me to say from where I sit, but when I do an assessment of whether to stay or leave this relationship... it wouldn’t even be close. I would leave because as much as you may “love” him, your mental health and well-being should be your priority. There is simply too much water under this bridge and I worry about the effect staying has on your health and well-being.

Sometimes the right thing to do is not necessarily the easy thing...
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
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Old 13th March 2019, 3:27 PM   #4
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Yes, my physical health has been declining in the last couple of years. A few friends suggested it may be due to all the stress. My emotional state is a mess, though i'm a high functioning mess.

I am so lost (have been for ever), as the pain of leaving my partner exceeds the pain of staying, still. I've earnestly tried a couple of times, and it was even more hellish than my current situation.

It helps even to put it out there.

Last edited by RedOlive; 13th March 2019 at 3:30 PM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:47 PM   #5
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I am in the same boat as you. I hanged on as long as I could. On Monday, it hit me that while I sometimes can "forget" about the pain, and be happy with this man, I would never be truly happy right now. I can be happy in the moment. But never truly happy. Some part of me will always cry.

We have argued and walked away multiple times, but I feel like I am back to square 1. Sometimes maybe square 2, but then it always come back to the main theme.

I decided to give myself one year for healing as of Monday. I decided not to say anything because every time afterward, I ended up staying but still some thing inside me is bothered. It will not go away.

I blocked him.

I want to give myself one year to test our fate and devotion to each other. To heal myself. For him to process what is going on. Since Monday, there are times when I want to reach out to him. Times when I want to still be there with him. I was till very hopeful when I blocked him from my life.
I have cried myself to sleep these few nights. I am moody. I lost my appetite. I lost my sense of direction. I set up my life to revolve around him. Without him, I have to rethink of what I eat, where I will go on vacation, who I will go with.
I even unblocked him for 5 minutes.

But it is necessary.

It is 3 days later and I feel less of the toxicity in our interaction. There are still moments this morning when I reach for the phone to see if he has text.

But I reminded myself of why I am doing this. I am doing this for myself and for him. Me, in my current mental state, cannot make him happy. All we can do is feed on each other emotions.

I am not sure whether leaving is right. Not sure whether staying is a good idea either. But I think life is short and I deserve to be loved and cared for. I deserve to be happy. And so do you.
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