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Why don't OWs realize that THEY are the ones with all the power?


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Old 8th March 2019, 4:39 PM   #46
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OP I think you probably feel so sure about the power issue because of your particular situation. You think (and maybe you would have) that you would have just cut him off for good and never looked back if he had delayed divorcing. You didn't really have to test that theory for long, right? Many affairs have NC periods, sometimes lasting several months, before restarting.

I never would have believed I would hang around for three years in such a situation either.

I kind of get what you're saying, but I think in practice most affairs involve a lot of variables. The very fact that I got into an affair told me that I wasn't in my normally predictable state of mind. I was 50 - I had never done anything shady like that before. So there were clearly some variables at play that were out of the ordinary for me. (Before anyone jumps on me I'm not excusing it.)
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Old 8th March 2019, 5:17 PM   #47
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OP I think you probably feel so sure about the power issue because of your particular situation. You think (and maybe you would have) that you would have just cut him off for good and never looked back if he had delayed divorcing. You didn't really have to test that theory for long, right? Many affairs have NC periods, sometimes lasting several months, before restarting.

I never would have believed I would hang around for three years in such a situation either.

I kind of get what you're saying, but I think in practice most affairs involve a lot of variables. The very fact that I got into an affair told me that I wasn't in my normally predictable state of mind. I was 50 - I had never done anything shady like that before. So there were clearly some variables at play that were out of the ordinary for me. (Before anyone jumps on me I'm not excusing it.)
Many moons ago i was a BW. As soon as i found out, i was done. I am just that way. We were in our A for almost a year before he left, but during that year there was a very clear plan of action. So, yes I was waiting, but i knew exactly why and what i was waiting for.

And i 100% agree with you that affairs have many variables... and, i am not excusing my behavior either!!
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Old 8th March 2019, 7:18 PM   #48
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Who is really safe in the knowledge that their man is leaving? I sure did not believe mine. The onus fell upon him to prove it.
If I'm being brutally honest, there's no way on earth I could be a part of any man leaving his wife and kids for whatever reason he CLAIMS he's doing it. If he's having an affair with me, then the reason is blatantly obvious even though a lot of them try to claim it's purely because they were 'unhappy' and had nothing to do with their girlfriend.

We all know it's pretty rare that a man leaves his wife and kids without having someone out there in the shadows waiting for him - men are notorious for staying in bad (or what they perceive as bad) marriages right to the bitter end. That's why more women initiate divorces - because men won't.
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Old 8th March 2019, 7:26 PM   #49
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We all know it's pretty rare that a man leaves his wife and kids without having someone out there in the shadows waiting for him - men are notorious for staying in bad (or what they perceive as bad) marriages right to the bitter end. That's why more women initiate divorces - because men won't.
As a wise friend once told me, men don't leave unless they find someone they want to be with more, or their wife kicks them out.

I think it is true more often than not.
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Old 8th March 2019, 8:45 PM   #50
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they all go home just after the sex ... that is because they value family life and want to seem innocent and faithful ...try phoning them at home... if you matter that much, yes, see if he treats you like a proper friend or just a secret
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:56 PM   #51
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yeah thats why i told his wife 2 times. cant do affairs i get unwell
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Old 9th March 2019, 11:17 AM   #52
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they all go home just after the sex ... that is because they value family life and want to seem innocent and faithful ...try phoning them at home... if you matter that much, yes, see if he treats you like a proper friend or just a secret
While i would not use the word "all", in general I agree with your statement. Act like a proper girlfriend. If the response you get is not acceptable to you, use your power and walk away.
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Old 9th March 2019, 6:10 PM   #53
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lf she was the one really in control and with all these fantastic choices, what is she doing sitting round nights and wkends alone waiting for her breadcrumb for a man that's with his wife and family and in a real life.
They're getting everything , not you, all you get is a few crumbs when ha can get away or feels like some play.
And even if your seeing someone else or doing whatever ja ja ja, it can't be much if your also waiting around for crumbs from a married man that comes to you from the real woman in his life.

Doesn't sound like much control to me , sounds more like bottom of the barrel desperation.Not to mention what your doing to his family and to his wife, he is too yeah , but so are you.
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Old 9th March 2019, 11:26 PM   #54
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Yes the OW has freedom in lots of ways and choices, but she does not have the choice to see the guy when she wants to or to have commitment from him. She has to fit round his life.

If she falls in love, she cannot have him all to herself, get engaged or married, or get jealous.

She does not have security, knowing that he's going to be there for her when she's ill or if her income drops for some reason.

She does not have support. She might have some - if he's a very generous guy - but it will be there when he has time, not when she needs it. He won't be there to fix things for her or make her food if she's ill.

Yes, she has a certain amount of freedom but she cannot afford to fall in love because she will never have him as her lifetime partner.
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Old 10th March 2019, 8:10 AM   #55
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I truly meant for this post to be on the other women / other man page, as a discussion to help the others see that they do have power and to use it in order to really get a accurate read on their relationship.

With that, you can feel free to close this thread because I’m not interested in discussing it on general relationships.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:11 PM   #56
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Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?
This was very much my experience too. I had options. His options? To return to a marriage he’d long outgrown....?
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:14 PM   #57
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Yes the OW has freedom in lots of ways and choices, but she does not have the choice to see the guy when she wants to or to have commitment from him. She has to fit round his life.

If she falls in love, she cannot have him all to herself, get engaged or married, or get jealous.

She does not have security, knowing that he's going to be there for her when she's ill or if her income drops for some reason.

She does not have support. She might have some - if he's a very generous guy - but it will be there when he has time, not when she needs it. He won't be there to fix things for her or make her food if she's ill.

Yes, she has a certain amount of freedom but she cannot afford to fall in love because she will never have him as her lifetime partner.
This is so untrue, and based on all kinds of assumptions. Perhaps that’s the case for many OW - but only because they accept it. I demanded that he make himself available to me, when I wanted to see him - or I wasn’t interested. I demanded that he give me what I wanted out of the R - or I’d walk. And he knew I would. I was the one who had choices and options. So he gave me what I wanted - I never had to “settle” for “scraps”. He treated me at least as well as any SG would have done - far better, and still does.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:16 PM   #58
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lf she was the one really in control and with all these fantastic choices, what is she doing sitting round nights and wkends alone waiting for her breadcrumb for a man that's with his wife and family and in a real life.
Again, this may be the case for those willing to accept this, whether they are OW, BW or GF. I never sat around waiting - I lived my life, and when I wanted him, he was there. He knew that if he wasn’t available to me on my schedule, I’d bin him for someone else. And since I was the one he wanted, he made sure to prioritise me.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:20 PM   #59
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The fact that a relationship is an affair makes this utterly impossible. Being in an affair is, by its very nature, a series of very selfish acts.
OTC - the A was the first “selfish” thing he’d done in his entire life. His friends were so thrilled to see him putting himself first, for once - not that it was him putting *himself* first (except in the context of his marriage). It was always clear to me he was putting _me_ first.
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:22 PM   #60
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People usually choose partners, in addition to looks and whatnot, based how they treat them, and how comfortable they feel around them, also based on if and how they fit into your life, and therefore I think it’s safe to say that a “cake eater” per se (if he acts like one) will not be the chosen one, if he treats you ****ty. At least not for too long of a period. I mean, I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn’t date a selfish prick, or a man who acts selfishly around me, and neither would most women, hopefully. Choosing wisely is key for any relationship, as it is for other life decisions.
Absolutely. I did my research. And I knew that, if he didn’t live,up to what I hoped he was, I would walk. He knew it too.
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