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Why don't OWs realize that THEY are the ones with all the power?


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Old 8th March 2019, 11:34 AM   #16
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Yes, of course you’re emotionally connected to your partner, but this is true for all relationships, marriages included. You have an emotional bond (or you had one at some point in the past), that’s why you’re there. If it breaks, you walk. Which is easier to do if you’re not married or living together. I think the main difference really relates to the relationship “logistics”, for lack of a better word. All the other stuff is pretty much the same: emotional connection, physical connection, and all the other interpersonal relationship stuff. And if the logistics fit your needs, then you’re usually content.
Agree. Affairs need to be approached just like anything else in life. You always have the option to walk away. For the married partner, where are they going?
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:37 AM   #17
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The person who cares the least about a relationship ending holds the power. In general women in affairs care more so they are rarely in control. All the other stuff sounds good in theory. But rarely do we have MM here upset over his treatment from his AP or not understanding why the affair ended.

From what I've encountered, single ow seem to be even more dependent on the affair then married ow. Of course there are exceptions, my wife is an exception, the poster recent change is an exception. I haven't read OPs story so I have no judgement on her.
Right but, why give away your power. Of course you can be invested in a relationship (and i do agree about the single vs married ow, two totally different dynamics i think) but that does not mean that you don't have power. You just have to be willing to use it.

edited to add: I cared, PLENTY. I was head over heels. Still kept the power. My point here really is to get OM/OW to look at things a bit differently, i think.

Last edited by WasOtherWoman; 8th March 2019 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:41 AM   #18
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I could see the OW feeling powerful if she doesn't love the MM and is just enjoying the affair for a bit of fun and sex, but she gives up her power once she falls in love. Sure she's free and single but that's not any fun when your hearts desire is to be with the one you love. The OW in love doesn't want options, she wants the MM, period. That puts her in a weak position as her relationship will naturally revolve the MMs marriage and his availability.

Did you marry your MM ? Did he leave his wife? If so that means you were having an affair with a man who no longer wanted his marriage and was willing to end it. I believe that's an exit affair and it probably helped you feel like you were the one with the power. Most MM in affairs do not want to get divorced. Oh most will sing from the rooftops how they are unhappily married and they're going to leave but they are lying. A smart woman will walk away when she sees her MM not taking any action to back up his words. If she walks away early, before she gets in too deep, then she maintains her power, but if she hangs around waiting she loses her power
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:42 AM   #19
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In theory.

I'm a big fan of the show power. In a scene where the main female lead was being questioned about shady behavior a older lady said "we are just as smart, just as powerful just as capable of getting stuff done. Then we fall in love and start f--king ***** up"

I think that is the dynamic for most women in affairs.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:52 AM   #20
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Well, if there is such a thing as a "proper mindset" for an OW in an affair with a MM, I would say that you have it! Taking it for what it is, not getting emotionally attached, having the leverage to leave when you want etc.
I think the main reason many OW feel powerless is that they want a "real" full-time, exclusive relationship with the MM, and there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, they can do to make this ever happen. So yes in this sense they are in fact very powerless and they know it.
Also, a lot of OW on here, like me, are married themselves and that limits our options as well. So that's another form of powerlessness, although I'd say that one is at least partially psychological because of course we technically have the ability to move on from our affair AND our marriage to find something better/healthier.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:56 AM   #21
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this is just my opinion...take it for what you will.


So many times, affairs are described as being "like a drug". If this is the case, then no, the ow doesn't have the power. The affair itself has the power.



If one follows the "addiction" model, then this makes a lot of sense. It's like a person who has never tried an addictive drug. In the beginning, they have all the power. They can choose to try the drug or put it down and walk away. They decide to try it, and like the effects. They keep using, and without even realizing it, they are slowly giving over their power. Sure, their dealer may be providing the drug, but it's really the drug that has the power.

An affair may well be no different. for whatever reason, the ow (or om) gets hooked, but if the situation were different ( i.e.- it wasn't an affair) the AP might well be someone they wouldn't even look at twice. The affair itself has the power...the secrecy, the forbidden "naughty" side, the hysterical bonding, love bombing, etc. can be so addictive.

I've often wondered when I read posts by ow/om who are grieving the end of the A, are they really missing the person or the affair itself?
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:57 AM   #22
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WOW, the fact that you were single is an anomaly. Most married men cheat with married women. That puts the married woman in an extremely vulnerable position because if the affair is exposed, her life will likely be completely ruined. The shame of having her children and other family members find out is hard to get over. Having an adulterous mother can haunt kids their entire lives because of the tight bond mothers have with their kids, and how this forms a foundation of stability which is destroyed. If it's a co-worker which is getting more common all the time, her career can be ruined.

That being said, where is the power in being in that position?
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:00 PM   #23
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It’s because most women typically put themselves in a victimized position, and they subconsciously seek out drama if they’ve recently exited a drama-filled relationship. They also probably think that if they’re not in it for love, then that would make them slutty. So, they stay because of “love” and behave as though they’re truly devoted to a situation that has nowhere to go. They then allow themselves to get stuck in the emotion and complexity of the whole twisted mess. Before you know it, that whirlpool has pulled them completely under.
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:04 PM   #24
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See, I would counter to say that the actual power holder is the BW. Because if the affair comes to the light of day? It is the BW who is going to be seen as the injured party. There is a lot of social stigma attached to being a mistress and in many circles, single or not, being a mistress is looked down upon because they are seen as 'meddling' in marriages and causing divorces.
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:08 PM   #25
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I guess where i am coming from is this. I approached my affair like i did anything else in life..... strategically. Believe me, i was in love with my MM, no doubt. But i never let him get comfortable having a wife and a mistress. That did not suit me. This is all ancient history for me, but i read here and just see how things would either end either differently or more quickly. (both of which i think have got to be easier than the dragging out).

A lot of this is just perception, don't ever let a MM feel like he has the upper hand, any more than you would with anything else in life. Would you accept less in any other relationship? Would you accept less in a job? It seems that the way this stuff generally goes is once your affair partner sees that you will accept something lesser than you really want, it is game over.

You really do need to be willing to walk though, yes. But if you are not getting what you want, why would you not? (despite being in love).
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:14 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by WasOtherWoman View Post

A lot of this is just perception, don't ever let a MM feel like he has the upper hand, any more than you would with anything else in life. Would you accept less in any other relationship? Would you accept less in a job? It seems that the way this stuff generally goes is once your affair partner sees that you will accept something lesser than you really want, it is game over.
(despite being in love).
Many OW have very low self esteem to begin with.
So, to answer your question, actually, yes, I think they accept being neglected, taken for granted, passed over, in a lot of areas of their lives, often long before the affair ever sstarted.
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:18 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
I'm a big fan of the show power. In a scene where the main female lead was being questioned about shady behavior a older lady said "we are just as smart, just as powerful just as capable of getting stuff done. Then we fall in love and start f--king ***** up"

I think that is the dynamic for most women in affairs.
Its the dynamic for many women in relationships and marriages too...
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:19 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
In theory.

I'm a big fan of the show power. In a scene where the main female lead was being questioned about shady behavior a older lady said "we are just as smart, just as powerful just as capable of getting stuff done. Then we fall in love and start f--king ***** up"

I think that is the dynamic for most women in affairs.
Yes, i suppose that is right. It is just hard to watch and just ends so badly generally. Why not try it differently?
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:21 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by Aloha123 View Post
Many OW have very low self esteem to begin with.
So, to answer your question, actually, yes, I think they accept being neglected, taken for granted, passed over, in a lot of areas of their lives, often long before the affair ever sstarted.
You know, I am not sure i agree with that. I don't think people in affairs are really that different from anyone else. I think the affair itself can be crazy-making (if you allow it). It can shake someone's confidence, especially when they start to make the decision to accept less. It seems all downhill from there.
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:23 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by LilKatKat View Post

I believe BSs have all the power. The have to do nothing in most cases because they have the marriage certificate, the kids, the assets. Hard to walk away from that if you're the WH.
Not really;
Some BS are actually good partners, they take care of their WS but while they are busy doing their duty to their partners, their WS was busy flirting with someone else.
And just as how hard it is to AP to let go after DDay, it is also hard for most of these BS to let go of their marriage... so as painful as it is they have to bear the pain. Imagine the pain of knowing that the person who made a vow to you is actually cheating on you with someone else.


The real one with real power here is the WS. They can choose to stay to whomever they wanted to stay.
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