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Does dating someone "out of your league" affect future dating choices?


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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:06 PM   #1
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Does dating someone "out of your league" affect future dating choices?

This is a curious one for mine. Perhaps it's different for men and women?

First, let me define "out of one's league" or "punching above one's weight" or, even more curiously as an Aussie "mate" of mine puts it: "Ya batting above your average." When these terms are used, they usually mean dating someone who's objectively better looking than you. And, in this particular context, that is exactly what I'm referring to.

Okay, so looks are subjective at best anyway. However, I think objective bias can be assumed when the general consensus is that something is what most believe it to be. If, for example, someone on a site like 'hotornot' is judged by the consensus to be well above average in the looks department, it can generally be agreed upon that they attractive/hot, whatever, even if there's a few statistical outliers (people who's subjective views differ).

With all of that out the way, I'd like to delve deeper into why I find this interestng. Regardless of anyone's belief system/religion etc. it is an established scientific fact that along with most living creatures, human beings are programmed to want to procreate in order to ensure the continuation of our species. The best way to ensure the continuation of our species is to attract and be with a mate with the best genes, and good looks are an outward display of good genetics.

I personally don't care so much about my "shallowness" anymore. I chose my previous wife above many other potentials where there was a slight imabalnce in the personality/looks department. That whole "looks fade" tag line didn't serve me well in the opposite sense, as her personality changed, her looks still faded anyway - so I was left with a shell of the personality I fell for, and looks which had already departed from what was not the greatest asset to begin with. However, I digres...

About 10 years ago, a buddy of mine was dating this girl. This girl was smokin' hot... 9.5 out of 10. A real head turner, especially in summer. The problem was she was a bit of a nut case. She was bratty, used to male attention and played on it a bit. My buddy was punching well above his weight. The best way to describe his looks would be akin to a young Rod Stewart.

It didn't end well for my friend, she cheated on him and he was left heartbroken. He didn't date for a good 2 years, which isn't common for a 25 year old at the time. Apps like Tinder weren't around back then, but still, if you wanted to find someone to date, the internet was still your oyster.

As it turns out, my friend very much wanted to date within 6 months of breaking up, but he admitted he couldn't "downgrade" from what he had. Whether that was just a pride/mental block thing, perhaps it was. But it's why I find it fascinating. My buddy dated a couple of times since and was in a relationship for almost 3 years with a girl who was what I'd say only slightly above average attractivrness (6/10) but for whom he loved as a person like no other. Truth be said, they were about on par in the attractiveness stakes.

For my friend, it could be said that he allowed himself to "lower" his standards so he could engage in a more balanced relationship. The relationship didn't work out, but it was by far the best one he'd been in and only really ended because she took an amazing job offer in San Diego and he was unwilling to move. They tried LD but it just didn't work.

I find myself currently in a situation where, after 2 months being separated, I was testing the water and happened to land a stunning looking girl myself. 11 months on and we're on shaky ground and I am unsure what lies ahead in the future. One thing I know is that, if we do break up, I need time and space as a single person. Where the waters have become muddied, though, is that if I am to think about life as a single man again, I certainly don't feel like I'd want to date an average looking girl when I've managed to land someone much hotter.

The other day at work I was having a bit of banter with a (much older) female co-worker who, from time to time tells me about her dating escapades as a woman in her early 50s. For a bit of a laugh she showed me some of the guys on this dating app, Badoo, and we switched it over to 'female' and made it age-appropriate for me. We were swiping through and, honestly, most of the girls I just would have swiped by. I told her that I couldn't really see myself "downgrading" and she said jokingly, "well you'd better hope you stay with your current gf forever because you'll be single forever." It was a joke, but true, I am really "punching above my weight."

All of this did get me thinking; what would it take for someone who's been with that "hot" person to lower their standards somewhat in order to date again? For men, is it desperation for sex/conpanionship? For women, is it all that and perhaps more? With the advent of the swipey date apps, there isn't even an opportunity to observe someone's personality. It really is all about the initial attraction of looks and looks only. I guess that's why match.com and e-harmony are still popular.

What I'm about to say is perhaps going to ruffle some feathers, but so be it. I think after a while, everyone in long term relationships become a pain in the butt. Men and women differ, but the things that grate on me about women in relationships seem to be aspects which aren't limited to how they look. So, if I'm goong to be with a woman long term, she's undoubtedly going to irritate me with female-specific traits, so when that happens and the awesome personality I fell for fades, I guess she'd want to have something else going for her, that being looks, to keep me engaged and the resentment somewhat abated.

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 23rd February 2019 at 8:16 PM..
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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:29 PM   #2
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How do you “lower your standards” after you’ve dated a hot person?

Maybe your experience in dating a “hot” person was because they lowered their standards. Ask them how they manage/d.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:39 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by losangelena View Post
How do you “lower your standards” after you’ve dated a hot person?

Maybe your experience in dating a “hot” person was because they lowered their standards. Ask them how they manage/d.
Dating someone hot inflates your ability to land other hot people when they may have been the exception rather than the norm.

You've just answered your own question by using the opposite analogy. And, whether it was rhetorical or not, I'll answer you by saying that I don't think they manage.

I've been on both sides of the coin. It's hard. I think for the most part only balanced relationships can work, and that includes looks - the context and point of this thread.

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 23rd February 2019 at 8:42 PM..
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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:43 PM   #4
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My husband is hot...but more importantly, heís awesome in bed and we have amazing chemistry.

Looks donít matter as much as chemistry does. If youíre going off looks but not chemistry, youíre going to wind up sad and unhappy.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:46 PM   #5
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I can't speak for guys, but I know some of them will take hot mess over average angel or be happier working for two years to nail one hot mess only to be dumped by them once they're sober.

As a woman, I was drawn to awfully good looking guys, but I wasn't exclusively drawn to the, but could get real hung up on it. But to my credit, they were usually also pretty good people or had something else going for them. Looks alone weren't enough. I had to find them interesting.

It may change as you get older. You may come to value companionship over sexual salivation at some point. Some guys do. I had some acquaintance with quite a few guys who were in bands and swatted women off them like flies. Now, they all enjoyed it and were living the life at first, but after a few years, it got old to at least some of them. And certainly some got attached to and married and had kids with a hot one and stayed with that person even after they were no longer quite hot, but it's also true some of them always cheated, without getting really involved, just sex. So I guess if you have a glut of beauties, at some point you become almost numb to it and want something more.

Most women want something more right from the get-go. They want that fun connection and appreciate the guy's personality, if he has one, and are a bit more willing to balance that with their looks. Certainly most will stay on par with their own looks if possible, but I happen to have known some who really went way down in the looks department and for no good reason other than just had to have someone around. So that can happen.

Looks fade. If you want hot forever, probably you shouldn't marry someone who wants to have kids because regardless of what you see on the Kardashians, it ruins most women's bodies and matures them down at least a couple of points. That's just the way it is. But then your own body and hairline are also going to go down with each passing year.

Honestly, when a guy is so shallow that all they really care about his hot looks and sex, I don't see why they marry at all. If it were me, I'd probably just use prostitutes, but then there's the men who would do that except they like to have someone as a prop on their arm because they somehow think that will elevate them, when really, all it does it make people whisper, "Pathetic."
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Old 23rd February 2019, 9:22 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
My husband is hot...but more importantly, heís awesome in bed and we have amazing chemistry.

Looks donít matter as much as chemistry does. If youíre going off looks but not chemistry, youíre going to wind up sad and unhappy.
I understand all that, but you've kind of missed the point of the thread. I'll try and be clearer. The point of the thread was to highlight an observation I've made, based on the experiences of a buddy of mine, and perhaps my own sentiments with where I'm at in my relationship while drawing on past relationships, too.

My observation has been that there's seemingly a correlation between someone dating someone out of their league and their standards being raised upon re-entry into the dating market after that relationship ended.

As a cited with a buddy of mine, his standards were the highest they'd ever been after he'd dated that really hot girl a decade ago. It resulted in him potentially overlooking many girls he'd perhaps given a second look to prior to dating the hot girl. It took him some time for his standard to 're-adjust' as the realization that the hot girl he previously dated was a statistical outlier.

So, where chemistry and personality don't form part of the equation is when you're purely going off swipey date apps, where looks are seemingly everything. Sure, you could meet someone in a more conventional setting and those traits you've mentioned become relevant, but the point here is initial attraction and in 2019, more people than ever use dating apps as theitlr primary source for initiating dates.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 9:23 PM   #7
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I totally intend to primp and preen when I hit my 40s. Luckily I look fairly young for my age and that's with me not paying any mind to myself most days. Idk, I used to have it so I know I can get it back with a bit of a hard workout plan (which my fitness instructor already made me at my gym) and becoming a fashionista. I was never super girly but I realize now that I have a keen sense of fashion and I absolutely go nuts over high heels and silk nighties. You only live once!
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Old 24th February 2019, 1:58 AM   #8
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I've been on both sides of the coin. It's hard. I think for the most part only balanced relationships can work, and that includes looks - the context and point of this thread.
I think it's a point of maturity to realize looks are but one quality people have. And since to most men "looks" means big boobs and a slim build, it's also the least permanent aspect.

I'm actually glad many guys are so narrowly targeted. It leaves lots of great partners for the rest of us...

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Old 24th February 2019, 9:12 AM   #9
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I think it might be a confidence booster. You think, gee I got one hottie, maybe I can get another one.

I also think most people look better when you see them with your heart not just your eyes.
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Old 24th February 2019, 9:39 AM   #10
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My ex told me the other day that he finally got into a relationship after we ended. It took him 4 years because he didn't meet anyone that comes even close to me He meant looks and personality though.



I am surprised to hear that you have been married. This post sounds like a 21 year old wrote it.
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Old 24th February 2019, 9:49 AM   #11
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If you're stuck in the past and one-dimensional, then yes, it will most likely affect your future dating choices.

If you look at each person on their own merit as a 'package', then no.

That holds true whichever side of the 'league' fence you happen to be in, whatever the league concept means.
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Old 24th February 2019, 11:43 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
I understand all that, but you've kind of missed the point of the thread. I'll try and be clearer. The point of the thread was to highlight an observation I've made, based on the experiences of a buddy of mine, and perhaps my own sentiments with where I'm at in my relationship while drawing on past relationships, too.<snip>
I think we understand your post just fine. Your premise is shallow. How does one deign to date average-looking people after they manage to somehow bag a hottie? Maybe recognize that they, too, are average-looking, then find a pin and deflate that bloated ego.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 24th February 2019 at 12:07 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 24th February 2019, 3:04 PM   #13
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It absolutely does. Now, I think a lot of people aren't gonna soul search honestly enough to agree with you, but they are affected by it. I know I was, and I know plenty of other people are because I see it, and I think this has affected modern dating drastically.

An old GF of mine from years ago was just so smoking hot. Like, if I left her alone for 3 mins to use the bathroom at a restaurant, there would be some dude at our table trying to hit her up. Never failed. After spending some time with her, other women were just less attractive to me. Think about it, when you spend months or years having sex with a 9, how do you get all hot and bothered for a 5? It really did take me a good couple years to get used to average looking women again.

With women, things are different because of how casual sex for them works out. An average looking girl can almost always snag a great lookin dude for casual sex. He might not stick around for long because he doesn't wanna commit to her, but he will bang her on the side for a while at least. Knowing this, with so many women getting the smash and dash done on them from random hot dudes on OLD, I have seen their expectations go way up. You got these regular lookin, out of shape women who can't find a guy they are attracted to anymore. They are just too used to those good lookin dudes smashing them on the weekends, and their expectations have now gone up. They're no longer attracted to guys on their own level. That's become one of the biggest issues with OLD, IMO.
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Old 24th February 2019, 5:02 PM   #14
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I think it might be a confidence booster. You think, gee I got one hottie, maybe I can get another one.

I also think most people look better when you see them with your heart not just your eyes.
I agree with the last paragraph, only you don't look at people through your heart when scrolling through Tinder.
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Old 24th February 2019, 6:13 PM   #15
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only you don't look at people through your heart when scrolling through Tinder.
And this entirely sums up what is wrong with modern dating.
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