My ex(female) hates my guts(male)

[jayson123]

Last fall, I married someone I was dating for only two months. Long story short, it was to save her life. She's a childhood cancer survivor and she did not have health insurance through her job. I offered her to get married on paper so she could join my insurance. Even thought we dated only two months, I knew I couldn't turn my back to her.

 

I spent the better part of Oct through December saving her life. Without going thru the details. Let's just say I spent countless hours on the phone with insurance and hospitals, attended every doctor visit and spent two weeks at the hospital every day when her situation was at the worst. Thankfully she's doing much better now since being released from the hospital in December.

 

Things turned for the worse a month and a half ago (early January). Increasingly we were arguing and fight alot, over stupid things. But also because of my immaturity and insecurity. In her words, I did not trust her, and there's no relation ship with no trust. And she's right, I let the insecurity and immaturity get the better of me. And this caused alot of drama and rift in our relationships. Our talks on the phone, text, and time spent together in person were increasingly less pleasant (more fighting), than it was pleasant. Many fights happened over the last month. And

 

Last October through December I was the rock she needed when she needed it most. I was the perfect strong man, determined to save her life with everything in my power. She said many times she thank God for putting me into her life when He did. I literally did save her life with my determination and active role throughout the ordeal. She really appreciated that and fell in love with me because of that.

 

Regretfully, I'll have to say I was the total opposite of a strong, supportive husband for the last month and a half. I was jealous, insecure, accusatory.

 

We've gotten into many arguments because of these issues. I hurt her by not trusting her and insulted her doubting her loyalty. This went only for several weeks and finally two days ago she said she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She waited to see if I would change, but "I realized this is how you are", and that I "kept making things worse." She said she tried really hard to make our marriage work.

 

Honestly I was too blind to see what I was doing wrong. I was too caught up on winning individual battles, instead of focusing what was really important, which was the health of our marriage. Now I know exactly what I was doing wrong.

 

I sent her a text telling her I see things so differently now. And she's right, I caused 99% of the fights with my immaturity and insecurities. In the text I told I realized so much. I used to think she was narrow minded and not trying for our relationship, but actually it was me that was narrowminded, and me that wasn't putting forth the effort. I had it backwards the whole time.

 

She would try to avoid fights (for the sake of our marriage), I never tried to avoid fights. I would always find something to complain about or doubt her, making her always say "you're not happy with me" or "you don't trust me". But she endured it over and over to give us a chance. She thought I deserved that much since I was there for her before. But I always found something I didn't like to complain about. I was so narrowminded.

 

I told her "you're right, all the petty fights I started was because I thought I was underappreciated. But you did appreciate me, and the way you handled everything was your way of appreciating our relationship and trying to make it work. By avoiding fights and taking breaks, etc. You did appreciate our marriage, our relationship, and most importantly you appreciated *me*. Otherwise you couldn't have endured as long as you did. All the s*** I was throwing your direction. You tried so hard. "

 

I said "and no you didn't give up too easily, you waited and waited, for me to 'get it'. I was wrong, it wasn't you that was narrowminded. It was me"

I told her, through these realizations, "I trust you now because I know how hard you tried to make the marriage work." I told her I see everything differently now and how stupid I feel about everything, and that I would never doubt her again. I told her I could change and asked for a chance to show I can fix it. I never asked her for a chance before, but now that I know what I was doing wrong, I know I can fix it, and save our marriage.

 

Her response was: "So after all that **** you did you finally trust me and I have to forgive you, give you a chance, because you want to, because you said so.. Like f*** what I feel f*** me right? No keep texting all the s*** you want it ain't going to work on me"

 

Is there a way to salvage this? If this was a regular relationship I wouldnt try this hard to save it. I wouldn't have sent those texts. But this is a "marriage", and we've been through so much.. I want to avoid divorce unless it's absolutely necessary. Also our lives now are intertwined in more than a few ways because we are married.

 

Do I need her to cool off? Is she so mad and upset at me that anything I say makes her more angry at this point?

 

Does she still have some feelings for me, even a little, but doesn't want to let me off the hook so easily, or are the feelings completely gone?

 

A couple weeks ago, after we fought one night, the next day she text me saying "I miss you". I said "I miss you too babe", She asked me what I was doing, and if I wanted to come see her. So I went to see her that weekend.

 

We broke up two days ago. I thought maybe after a few days of coolng off, not contacting her, I will send her this text: "Hope you're having a great day, I miss you". A short text. But a positive one? Different from the negative energy that has been consuming our conversations. And the ball would be in her court, she can choose to respond if she want, or she can respond when she's ready, even if its a few days or week from now. After he last text to me, it'll be putting the ball back in her court. Because there's no way she would text me first after her last text, right?

 

Do I still keep providing insurance for her? Do I still stay married to her (on paper) to provide her insurance? She definitely needs the insurance. So many questions.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want to stay married to her? It doesn't sound like you even know each other.

 

You married for all the wrong reasons & now it's biting you in the tush.

 

Do you even have a clue what she wants?

 

If it's on paper only, what difference does it make that you divorce?

 

It looks more like you offered her one thing -- marriage in name only so she could get insurance -- but they you turned around & got jealous because you expected her to be a real wife. You had no business not trusting her because by the very terms of your agreement this was never about trust or love. This was about you playing hero. Now you have realized that is not enough & you demanded more from her without discussing it with her. How is that fair to her?

 

Where is the romance? Have you even tried "dating" her, sending her flowers, wooing her? Do you even live together? Did you do anything special for her for Valentine's Day?

 

If you have any prayer of fixing this you won't do it through text so stop trying.

 

My advice send her flowers with an apology & a request:

 

 

Dear Wife

 

I know we started this marriage for practical reasons but despite the struggles I have fallen for you. I know this sounds crazy but I'd like to date you. Let's put the past aside. Please let me take you out to dinner on Saturday to [most romantic restaurant in town]. Despite our unconventional beginning, my heart tells me we can have a glorious romance.

 

Love, jayson123

 

It's a hail Mary but if she doesn't respond favorably to that or tells you that for her this has always been a business arrangement only, get divorced. You better pray that she's happy to just walk away with what she came in with and the insurance companies don't find out about your plan & charge you with fraud.

[Cersei]

Well when you buck the system and do unethical things like get married for insurance papers, s#$t can get ugly.

 

Please learn your lesson from this experience.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why do you want to stay married to her?

 

Boy, had exactly the same thought. Not once in your post did you say "we love each other" or express any caring other than a desire to see her health improve. Given the medical stress and lack of prior attachment, not surprising things are so difficult.

 

Do I still keep providing insurance for her? Do I still stay married to her (on paper) to provide her insurance? She definitely needs the insurance.

 

Even removed from your plan, she should be eligible for COBRA, which would extend her coverage for 18 months. Were you so motivated, you could pay the premiums as she transitions back to single life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I'm confused. You appear to want her back. But you're also asking if you should stay married to her. If you want her back, why are you thinking about whether or not you should divorce her?

 

If she is missing you, then you have a chance to rebuild this mess. But it's going to take a lot of time and effort. And I'll tell you that having an epiphany about your behaviour isn't enough - you need to do some counselling to learn how to be a good partner. After all, if it was easy to do, you would have been doing it already.

[edgygirl]

If you are in the US, why couldn't she get Obamacare? If she makes little money, it's quite affordable. If she hardly has an income, Medicaid is also possible and it's free.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Last fall, I married someone I was dating for only two months. Long story short, it was to save her life. She's a childhood cancer survivor and she did not have health insurance through her job. I offered her to get married on paper so she could join my insurance. Even thought we dated only two months, I knew I couldn't turn my back to her.

 

I spent the better part of Oct through December saving her life. Without going thru the details. Let's just say I spent countless hours on the phone with insurance and hospitals, attended every doctor visit and spent two weeks at the hospital every day when her situation was at the worst. Thankfully she's doing much better now since being released from the hospital in December.

 

Things turned for the worse a month and a half ago (early January). Increasingly we were arguing and fight alot, over stupid things. But also because of my immaturity and insecurity. In her words, I did not trust her, and there's no relation ship with no trust. And she's right, I let the insecurity and immaturity get the better of me. And this caused alot of drama and rift in our relationships. Our talks on the phone, text, and time spent together in person were increasingly less pleasant (more fighting), than it was pleasant. Many fights happened over the last month. And

 

Last October through December I was the rock she needed when she needed it most. I was the perfect strong man, determined to save her life with everything in my power. She said many times she thank God for putting me into her life when He did. I literally did save her life with my determination and active role throughout the ordeal. She really appreciated that and fell in love with me because of that.

 

Regretfully, I'll have to say I was the total opposite of a strong, supportive husband for the last month and a half. I was jealous, insecure, accusatory.

 

We've gotten into many arguments because of these issues. I hurt her by not trusting her and insulted her doubting her loyalty. This went only for several weeks and finally two days ago she said she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She waited to see if I would change, but "I realized this is how you are", and that I "kept making things worse." She said she tried really hard to make our marriage work.

 

Honestly I was too blind to see what I was doing wrong. I was too caught up on winning individual battles, instead of focusing what was really important, which was the health of our marriage. Now I know exactly what I was doing wrong.

 

I sent her a text telling her I see things so differently now. And she's right, I caused 99% of the fights with my immaturity and insecurities. In the text I told I realized so much. I used to think she was narrow minded and not trying for our relationship, but actually it was me that was narrowminded, and me that wasn't putting forth the effort. I had it backwards the whole time.

 

She would try to avoid fights (for the sake of our marriage), I never tried to avoid fights. I would always find something to complain about or doubt her, making her always say "you're not happy with me" or "you don't trust me". But she endured it over and over to give us a chance. She thought I deserved that much since I was there for her before. But I always found something I didn't like to complain about. I was so narrowminded.

 

I told her "you're right, all the petty fights I started was because I thought I was underappreciated. But you did appreciate me, and the way you handled everything was your way of appreciating our relationship and trying to make it work. By avoiding fights and taking breaks, etc. You did appreciate our marriage, our relationship, and most importantly you appreciated *me*. Otherwise you couldn't have endured as long as you did. All the s*** I was throwing your direction. You tried so hard. "

 

I said "and no you didn't give up too easily, you waited and waited, for me to 'get it'. I was wrong, it wasn't you that was narrowminded. It was me"

I told her, through these realizations, "I trust you now because I know how hard you tried to make the marriage work." I told her I see everything differently now and how stupid I feel about everything, and that I would never doubt her again. I told her I could change and asked for a chance to show I can fix it. I never asked her for a chance before, but now that I know what I was doing wrong, I know I can fix it, and save our marriage.

 

Her response was: "So after all that **** you did you finally trust me and I have to forgive you, give you a chance, because you want to, because you said so.. Like f*** what I feel f*** me right? No keep texting all the s*** you want it ain't going to work on me"

 

Is there a way to salvage this? If this was a regular relationship I wouldnt try this hard to save it. I wouldn't have sent those texts. But this is a "marriage", and we've been through so much.. I want to avoid divorce unless it's absolutely necessary. Also our lives now are intertwined in more than a few ways because we are married.

 

Do I need her to cool off? Is she so mad and upset at me that anything I say makes her more angry at this point?

 

Does she still have some feelings for me, even a little, but doesn't want to let me off the hook so easily, or are the feelings completely gone?

 

A couple weeks ago, after we fought one night, the next day she text me saying "I miss you". I said "I miss you too babe", She asked me what I was doing, and if I wanted to come see her. So I went to see her that weekend.

 

We broke up two days ago. I thought maybe after a few days of coolng off, not contacting her, I will send her this text: "Hope you're having a great day, I miss you". A short text. But a positive one? Different from the negative energy that has been consuming our conversations. And the ball would be in her court, she can choose to respond if she want, or she can respond when she's ready, even if its a few days or week from now. After he last text to me, it'll be putting the ball back in her court. Because there's no way she would text me first after her last text, right?

 

Do I still keep providing insurance for her? Do I still stay married to her (on paper) to provide her insurance? She definitely needs the insurance. So many questions.

 

You entered into a marriage to save her life. You've done so. She owes you nothing, and you owe her nothing.

 

You can't make someone fall in love with you dude.

[bathtub-row]

I don’t think it was a mistake to marry and I don’t think it was a mistake to hope it would last. You did a good thing by helping her. However, the bad news is, you’ve shown her a side to yourself that is very ugly and very controlling. And, unfortunately, no matter how much you think you’ve grown up, you haven’t. People don’t change overnight and you failed the maturity test when you went native on her - over and over again. This isn’t something a person can overlook easily. Personally, I have a zero tolerance for constant arguing and bickering so I totally understand her reaction.

 

The best you can do is let her know that you know you screwed up and that you don’t blame her for leaving. Let her know that you’ll honor her wishes if she chooses to divorce you. All of that tells her that you recognize you messed up and - most importantly- that you’re not going to try to control her anymore. That’s about all you can do in this situation. Any prodding on your part will just reek of more of the same. Even if she files for divorce, just comply. Don’t fight with her anymore. If she sees you’re really serious, she MAY give you another shot.