My Ex Contacted Me After 4 Years Out of the Blue!!!

[NellyNoodles85]

Hi, new here. Won't post much probably but something that has happened to me, I needed to talk about it and get advice on how to cope with this.

 

Ok, about 8 years ago, me and this guy (we'll call him Tom), we're dating for a couple yeas, he was my first love thing. We'd also been friends for a couple years before we got together (I wasn't his first by the way lol, he was mine). Anyway, we had gotten serious, said I love you, and then in the new year, just a week before Valentines he started acting weird and then out of nowhere he dumped me, said he'd had enough and I was too much for him.

 

I removed every trace of him from my life, until a few months later, when my dad had a heart attack, and out of instinct I contacted him (regretted it later). He was cool about it, and after that I left it. He then got in contact with me, and then we stayed in touch, and emotionally I couldn't cope, he wanted a (friends with benefits relationship, I couldn't), but we still spoke almost everyday for the next 2 years. Then we met up, and I was a lot more confident, and looked really good, was doing really well, and he seemed to want to run when we met, so after two hours he left. That was my done point.

 

So, after that, I limited contact dramatically, lose the grip he had on me. Eventually, no social media contact, and then I seen it. He had a new girlfriend, and that to me was my awakening that I needed complete NO contact and have this person out of my life.

 

I have a photography page on Facebook, and over the last 4 years, I noticed his name pop up as a like here and there. It annoyed me, but I just ignored it and continued on as I never got any contact from him in all those years, so just assumed he was creeping on my photography page.

 

Until....two days ago, I got a message in my Facebook page inbox. It was him. Here I will quote what he said to me, (now remember, I haven't heard from this man in 4 years, and he has been in a relationship with that same woman all that time!):

 

Tom: "Hey you. How are you? hope you are keeping well.

I know I'm not your fave person in the world, I know I hurt you. For that I really am sorry. I wont try and defend it.

My life has matured, I hope, as a person, I've matured as well.

I'm not looking for forgiveness or for you to to acknowledge me.

But, what I would like, is for you to at least know I'm sorry and feel bad for what I was.

I hope at some stage we can be friends (I never stopped caring and wanting the best for you)

Ur photography is doing great, well done, I'm proud an photographer of your standing at some stage knew me! If i can help at all, just shout.

Nighty night! X".

 

Yep.

 

So, I was a little shocked, and didn't know how to respond to this, as I have moved on with my life, and I am doing really well, mentally (I suffer with severe anxiety and depression, and am only on the mend now after a couple of hard years). I don't want anything to do with him, I don't want him in my life, I don't like or have any attraction towards him, physically or otherwise. I have no intention of keeping in contact or being "friends" or if he thinks I am a fall back, if his relationship is a bit rocky, a "shoulder to cry on".

 

So, I wasn't going to be rude, as I spoke with my mum, and she just said, be polite, but not entice in anyway, say you can be friends, but leave it at that and just never respond after this again, and ignore any more messages. So, I did what she said, and replied in a polite and detached manner, and this is what I responded with:

 

(I had to explain the instant message on my FB page, as it automatically sends a response so it was weird lol!).

 

 

"Hi Tom, that message above is an automated response, so just ignore that. I'm really good thanks, got a cold at the moment and in the process of moving, so kind of busy.

I really appreciate you having the courage to send that to me, I know how much that must have taken to send. I've never hated you, I'm not like that in any way, and I wasn't perfect either, we were young and everything was going so fast, so it's understandable now that we're older.

We've both matured, I certainly have, and so much has changed, so we can both look at it from a better perspective now time has passed.

I don't look back at anything that has happened with anger, but thank you for apologizing. Of course we can remain friends with each other, would be immature to be rude. I hope you're doing well, and things are going good in your life, and you're happy, that's the main thing.

Thanks again for messaging me, it was good to hear from you! Natalie".

 

 

So, what do you think? Was that on okay response? Will it give him the message that I have no interest in keeping this going? Or wanting anything? I want him to get the message without being rude. He did some terrible things to me that I can't discuss here, and left me in a terrible way for almost 2 years, so just out of respect for myself, I don't want to go into details, nor do I want anything to do with him. I want him to leave me alone, and frankly just disappear from my life, like an old memory that is all hazy and so long ago, that you put it behind you, faarrrrr behind.

 

Why out of the blue after 4 YEARS, does he decide to do his apologies now? Want to remain friends? (By the way, I am being sarcastic in my response about being friends, that's just my polite way of saying Ooofffff course we can!! Also, my response was sent a day later, and he hasn't responded yet, so somewhere, I think he knows I don't really want to keep in contact or be friends any longer, but I'm being polite, as I always am about things.

 

Let me know. I need advice.

Edited February 18, 2019 by NellyNoodles85

[spiderowl]

Unfortunately, your reply sounds like an invitation to be friends. I thought you didn't want him in your life? Personally, I would have ignored his message. He was sending it for himself not for anyone else.

[Cersei]

I agree. You should have left the part of being friends out since you don't want to be friends.

[MetallicHue]

I think he sent that out of guilt and trying to clear his conscience. There was someone I wronged along time ago and I wanted to do the same sort of thing. But I thought about the pain I caused the person and it would just be to pacify me and do no good for the other person. Therefore I opted not to do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

he wanted a (friends with benefits relationship, I couldn't)

 

I'd guess he's hoping to revive this possibility. Your response hasn't done much to discourage him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

Maybe he's bored with his girlfriend and thought he'd see if you might be receptive to seeing him again (while he's still with someone else).

 

It doesn't sound like you can emotionally handle being in regular contact with him so it would have been best to ignore his message (although the automated message kind of messes that up).

 

Just be careful, don't open yourself back up to more hurt and disappointment.

[whichwayisup]

"thank you for your note but I'd appreciate it if you didn't contact me again. I've moved on and have no interest in keeping in touch."

 

Or ignore and block him.