jotyhen78 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Over the last two months my partner has contacted a long lost high school friend. we met and fell for one another about six months ago, moving in together and seemingly falling in love. it has been good... but we both have struggled with alcohol and as i become sober she not. though the plan was to do it together. she is coming out of an abusive relationship and has said doesn't feel safe remaining in the same state where he lives for fear of him coming after her. Also, that she is struggling mightily with her depression and that she just wants to go their and lay low for a couple months resting. The person she is wanting to go to is a male whom she claims to have been best friends with in h.s. and that he just wants to help. everything will be taken care of (supposedly) and she is wanting to come home when she feels better. What do I do? It seems all wrong to me. i want to trust her but this situation doesn't feel right. Is she being totally irrational? to quit a job, leave her loving partner, move in with another man even if it is said to be a temp. thing. Am I in the wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Translation.... "I'm going to try out this new guy, so you wait around like a dumbbell in case that doesn't work out, then maybe we can give this another go" Most people in that situation would probably look to family members rather than an old HS flame/friend/whatever... Sounds hokey to me... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 What you do is let her go. You moved in too fast to start. Your life is changing for the better; hers is not. This business about laying low with the other guy is back sliding on the drinking & being responsible for herself. You don't need that in your life. Send her off. Break up with her once she is fully gone & spend a lot of time with your sponsor. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) Absolutely agree with Donnivain, you moved in too soon and you are expecting too much. This situation is further complicated by mental health issues, alcohol addiction, and a previous abusive relationship - you are trying to build a relationship with a woman who is not a healthy partner... You are wanting to move forward and she is just not ready... This is a relationship that will not stand the test of time, my friend. I’m sorry. Edited February 9, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jotyhen78 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 I agree with all that has been said here, but also feel that there is a really great connection shared and that her fears should not be invalidated. I am not ok with being overly suspicious either. She continues to express her love for me, her devotion to us and that she just wants to get better "for us". That said, she is young and in many ways immature comparatively to I. We make a good couple and I do love her as well. I can't help but wonder if I will ever find a woman that is better to me (more loving) and if I just need to allow her to ride whatever (irrational) wave she is on emotionally. If I do... How much worse will it hurt if she doesn't return? How will I feel if I am dead wrong? Is that for me to worry about? Will I be able to go back to where we were if she leaves and then comes back or will I always be scorn? I can not believe that I will ever stop questioning what really happened. I just don't want to loose the woman of my dreams. Likewise I wish not to hold to something that doesn't want me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 While her fears may be valid (although I doubt it), she is showing ZERO problem solving abilities. You cure depression by taking action, not hiding. Yes that is easier said then done. I have depression but she is running away from you. In times of crisis she should be turning toward you. Instead she is turning to a different guy. What does that tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 It seems all wrong to you because it is. You are in two very different places as far as emotional/mental health goes. Express your feelings to her, but in the end the choice is hers whether to go hide away with this other guy or not. It's your choice whether you are going to wait around to see if she comes back to you. I hope you choose to wish her well and move on with your own life. You can't fix her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jotyhen78 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 Thank you all for the thoughts and insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jotyhen78 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 she seems to be running away from everything and I want to point that out to her. I don't think that she will deal well with that fact. Part of being a good partner has to be sharing the hard truth but it is a thin line to walk. I will communicate my feelings and then she will make her choices. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 She may well be the most wonderful, loving woman but a woman self medicating her depression with alcohol, recently out of an abusive relationship is not a good bet. I’m sorry, it’s just not. There are big red flags here’s, dealbreakers for most. Use that information as you want... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 He wouldn't be "taking care of everything" if he weren't interested in her. Honestly, this is probably just her making another disastrous decision on what man to be with. I think you should break up with her and let her go and maintain your sobriety. She's no good for you at this point anyway because sobriety is fragile. As you probably know, sometimes to get sober, you have to let some old friends go who trigger you. Change is nearly always good if you're changing to better yourself, so I think just tell her you're breaking up because she's not sober, primarily, and just say goodbye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts