Venting thread...

[Van Norden]

Hi there, it's been quite a while since my last thread. Sorry for not keeping up, even when I got along with some people that really tried to help me.

 

Back then I was trying to cope with a (6 month!) breakup. It's been like 5 years. Now I think I've almost fully recovered myself - not a single day without thinking of her, but it's her decision entirely and I'm ready to get infatuated with another lady. This was not the case for a long, long time - they all looked worthless to me, and used to compare a lot. Short ****-buddy relationships got ditched, some of them with crazy results. Can't really say that meant a thing to me. Got some ONS, not a lot of sex after a couple of 6-month buddy relationships. Let's move on.

 

I'm almost 27 by now and crossing an existencial crisis and severe depression that gets me in lots of anxiety and almost bipolar feels. One day I'm really up to everything, active, interested in lots of my old hobbies (reading, gym, movies, music), the day after I just want to die, literally. Almost always prompted by women, why would I deny that. I think I place too much importance to other persons, sp. women. I love them, and that makes me unattractive to most of them. And very insecure. I've done lots of Tinder and this has crumbled my self-esteem, but it's like there's no other way out - there I've been able to date plenty of women, but with few successes (made out a couple or three times, got head and got sex from the single one woman I'm still in touch with, now a friend of mine who's unfortunately plain mad - not that I'm demeaning her, that's just the way she is, plain bipolar and unready to keep on dating for a long time). I'm tired with pubs and discos, seems like I'm not a party kind of guy but also I tend to get wasted, a lot. I've done plenty of booze, drunken amnesia for every weekend - just due to inertia, due to unability to cope with the social situation. Some copious amounts of coke (my only drug of choice, and still not an usual "user"), too, for some weekends. Which has also boosted some epileptic seizures, three to be concrete. My first ones ever. Such a disaster.

 

Now I've got a new job (hooray?), full-time job this time. Instead of 4 hours I'm working like 9 a day. No social life save for the weekends, no time to spare nor energy for gym or other hobbies. Rejected by Tinder gals. Not interested in meeting girls at discos. Getting the usual lap on my back from my friends, like I must man up and the usual **** coming from people who don't know mental illness. Deep down I know I won't be able to create a lasting relationship since I'm an unstable person and no woman wants that in her life. And I don't see any way out of this.

 

Sp. when hungover I think of myself highly. I "like" myself, though I'm not a tall guy nor a handsome face. I like my intellect, I have "a lot of world" going on, cultural skills and whatnot. I hate my emotional intelligence, no resilience at all. Know what? Knew a new woman through the app some weeks ago. Still haven't been able to date her due to busy timelines by both parts. Looked like we were going to date finally this Sunday but by the previous week she stopped texting me each time she woke up and looked less interested (yeah, I know, another guy and blah blah). Not even interested in asking her again. Suicide thoughts crossing my mind lately, lots of them, sp. when the social facade is over and I come (mom's) home drunk and alone. Want to cry all time at work but won't change ****, so I don't. She is a 6 at best, no prob., I love 6's. I don't consider myself much higher, if so. But looked like I could get over those turbulent times with a new spark of feminine intimacy or whatnot. It's like, yeah, plenty of fish, but it's been a while since I've been able to catch one who shared with me more than monosyllables. Back to the pound and doesn't really compensate for my work time, for my effort in being a better myself and trying to fight my inner demons, those who are always winning. Tbh, I don't see any escape and still I'm fearful of the change of paradigm that death means. I love life when I'm experiencing it to the fullest, but totally dread my future plans and nostalgia when I'm at my lowest.

 

By the way, living at mom's kills me everytime. I keep on meeting school fellas getting along with partners at their own household, with well-paid jobs and still I'm unable to find a decent wage even after studying and finishing my own degree some years ago. Still studying some more **** that doesn't get me anywhere. Stuff drives me nuts, it's like I've failed at that as well.

 

I've done meds in the past but didn't change anything. It was like being high on something all day long and still knowing it was an artificial paradise. I'm fighting hard to avoid being a weirdo, and I don't want to mix even more drugs to my downtrodden self. I really hope my ups were more prominent and my downs not so deep, and if I could not transpire my inherent negativity to women. I'll appreciate any piece of advice given, but it's like that old Black Sabbath's tune: "I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it's too late".

 

P.S. Sorry for my English, not my first language.

[FMW]

Please seek the help of someone who is qualified to help you and follow their advice - including consistent use of medication. Talk to the doctor about how it makes you feel, there are a lot of options and maybe if you work together with the doctor you can find one that works for you.

 

I had a close friend who was bi-polar and had intermittent problems with her medication that had to be addressed a few times a year - different dosages, different drugs, etc. Things had to be regularly evaluated. Her father killed himself when she was a child and that experience kept her committed to sticking with the medication. I hope you will reconsider and do the same.

 

Congratulations on the full time job! As for dating, according to what is posted here a lot of people are rejected on OD. It's par for the course.

[edgygirl]

I agree. You just haven’t found the right med that keeps you feeling normal yet control the mood swings. I heard Wellbutrin has very few side effects. Keep trying maybe until you find the right combo?

 

Dating is hard for all of us - ugly and beautiful people, of all ages. It is even harder for us sensitive people who wear their hearts on their sleeve. I think the way to go is not take it too personally and find a way not to get so down when rejected. Because rejection is the norm. This is specially true for males who apparently get rejected all the time and it seems they know to expect it.

 

With a little more experience including this one (congrats!) you’ll get better paying jobs and you’ll be able to move out.