She makes me feel 2nd best, long relationship

[jonefi]

Hi,

i would appreciate your view and advice.

 

I have been with her ca 5yrs now. We met online on her motion. She is a good looking, sexy lady, sweet and romantic. Open in sex. Socially a bit clumsy and introvert. As i might be occasionally too.

 

From the beginning i sensed something odd on her talks and behavior that made me feel insecure. Once insecure i tend to be suspicious.

 

Suspicious, maybe after a year i took a look on her phone.

She had a messenger-chat 2months after we've met with her female friend about me etc, saying "he is not that muscular, but...[some good attributes]", "maybe i should check and unfold the card on the the other city".. the chat also explained she had a net-sex relationship with this other town guy before me... and that "unfold card" was, as said 2mo after we met, when i thought we were both madly, and passionately in love, committed, practically lived toghether already.

 

Then one day while cuddling and kissing at the kitchen she said "i like when a man knows what he wants and takes it"... somehow i sensed and took it she likes when 'any man'... she did not say "i like when you..." especially as she has never, during the years spontaniously said she likes when "i know what i want and take her". Never. So, to me it seems obvious she has experienced such guy/s, and can proudly say it to me, but it is impossible to say i am up to that.

 

About the same time she also said a reply it was weird to comment to "picking up women is a skill" and laughed.. on the context i understood it she likes to be played around as long as the players know how to score her.

 

Then, about 1½yrs ago she was acting weird, taking distance. I knew she talks to herself while alone, so i placed and hided a recorder (that is not nice, i know).

While browsing on her phone "Cena (or Keanu or somthing) is *handsome*, i wish that kind of guy f**ked me".

 

Another day she whispers on the recorder "hope he never finds out that porn... cause the number is now..like 65". WTF does this mean anyway? I haven't found she making porn in this small country we live in.

 

Third rec'd weirdo: "I gotta do it that {guys name} cums tomorrow good". Although i watched her the next day, and she did not have an opportunity to cum this guy at least that next day.

 

To be fair, later i revealed her that i was spying on her, and after she calmed down from the shock she had an acute memory loss and could not explain anything.

(To my defence; she has spied on my net history, emails and phone too).

 

The cherry on the top. Once while playing around she said voice like giving an specialist evaluation, proud of her experience: "you're quite big". I interpret this as she is comparing me to someone else's dick she's had. (there was two other occasions too she made my size feel mediocre). Somehow this, at least, hit to the spot that makes me feel second best. Yeah, the dick size thing... but for me this, plus the other comments, was like all my sexuality is 'quite'. Who wants to be compared, or be 2nd best. I know there is a million guys bigger than me, what counts is how my lady sees and respects me.

 

There are, of course, other odd slips out of her mouth too. But you propably get the point already.

 

Other than that she is acting cute&femine, committed, lovable, etc. I really don't believe she is cheating nor planning on it. She loves me for sure. And i love her, and as said she is hot. The sex is great, although now I feel i have lost pride in my looks, muscles, dick-size and 'knows&takes it' masculine determination. What's left. I am just another f**k. Due to this i dont want to initiate sex or be playful anymore, at least not that often.

 

All these conflicting messages are driving me insane. And is beginning to affect me, and i think it every day. bad days i am taking distance from her. Yet, dont know anymore if am i overreacting and should i just try and concentrate on today and the good. The little lines and comments live their own life in my head now. Earlier I tried to talk, but she gets anxious, attacks, gets hysterical, etc... you know women at their worst. I am tired of arguing while it doesn't end up anywhere. I know her childhood home has a history of sweeping difficult issues under the rug. Dunno if this is the thing or is she really hiding something relevant. I don't feel special to her, but something she is committed to for the mental connection, but on the animal side she is 'quite' satisfied with me but truly is yearning for something else'. I don't know if i can live with that idea.

 

Please tell me how would you feel and react on my situation?

Is it just my insecurities or would you feel the same?

How to clear my head?

 

 

Thanks.

Edited February 6, 2019 by jonefi

[somanymistakes]

Talk to a therapist. Possibly both of you together, but definitely you. There's more going on with your head and your insecurities than internet strangers on a forum can help you with.

 

There MAY be a problem in your relationship as well, but it's hard to tell because things are being filtered through your fears to the point where you're imagining strange things.

[loversquarrel]

If you feel the need to check and say on her and she does the same to you....then why have a relationship? If your insecurities are getting to you maybe you should talk to her about them? If she truly loves you she will be more than happy to listen, and maybe she'll open up about some of hers. You have to try though and if she gives you crap for it then at least you know where you stand.