Jerrywonder27 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and five months. She moved into my house 7 months ago and has completely changed since then. She has been cold and distant since August. I have treated her with love and respect. I have never mistreated her and i am always open to communication. She says hurtful things to me once a week. Like: Its not you its me, I need time and space, I dont know if i am in love with you, and most recently: I dont wanna be in a relationship. Our relationship was perfect before she moved in. Once she moved in i realized she suffers from depression and deep emotional issues. She agrees that these issues are causing our relationship to fail. I suggested couples counselling and she agreed but never makes an appointment. So, I suggested she see a therapist individually. She told me she didnt make the appointment. I got angry. She has be mistreating me for months. I told her i wanted her to move out. An hour later i apologized and said i wanted to work it out. But she left the next day. Today is day two and she has completely ignored me. I have been very good to her and her 3 children and i dont deserve to be riding on a emotional roller coaster with her. But i do still wanna be with her, support her and overcome our issues. W hat do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 People do not change because you want them to. Accept who she is and be with her. Or don’t accept who she is and leave. Have a beautiful day my friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jerrywonder27 Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 I just want to be in a happy healthy relationship with her. And i dont wanna be mistreated. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 divegrl is right - you have two choices. You can't change how she feels or acts. Hanging on and thinking you can will only bring you greater misery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 You want her to be someone she’s not. She was apparently putting on an act until she moved in with you. Then you experienced the real, live version of her. She won’t change. What you see is what you get. I’m actually glad you told her to move out. One day, you’ll see the light and say “good riddance”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jerrywonder27 Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 I regret telling her to move out. I am not trying to change her. Just trying to improve our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 From what you describe you most certainly should have asked her to move out. Don't feel bad about standing up for yourself. We aren't saying you were trying to change her - we're saying it's unlikely she is going to change, no matter how patient you are with her or how much you love and care for her. So there really isn't anything else for you to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 She says hurtful things to me once a week. Like: Its not you its me, I need time and space, I dont know if i am in love with you, and most recently: I dont wanna be in a relationship. Listen to what she says and believe her. You cannot NICE someone into loving you. She is not in love with you and I'm wondering if she just moved in with you for financial reasons and has since realized she made a mistake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I regret telling her to move out. I am not trying to change her. Just trying to improve our relationship. Ok, let me be more specific - you’re not going to improve the relationship because she’s indecisive, depressed, and somewhat abusive and ungrateful. And yes you are trying to change her which isn’t going to happen. Find someone less screwed up. Screwed up people will knock you sideways with the pain they inflict on your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Screwed up people will knock you sideways with the pain they inflict on your life. Never have truer words been posted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I regret telling her to move out. I am not trying to change her. Just trying to improve our relationship. You can't man , your already way better to her than she deserves . Because she just simply isn't feeling it , and she's a bit screwed up too. All you can do is salvage what pride is left leave her be and move on. And don't worry l'd say most people know well and truly that is a lot harder than just tapping next of a pc screen BUTTTT, you can't make honey out of dog shyt , there's nothing you can do. And please don't take her back if she comes knocking , it'll only be a few months and things will just be back to where they are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I just want to be in a happy healthy relationship Then you need to find a happy, healthy partner. Which she is not... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 All excuses to dump you. TBH I would kick her to the curb if she is mistreating you. I know you love her, but she will never change. The coldness will always be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 "She moved into my house 7 months ago and has completely changed since then" People don't completely change in 7 months. What happens is the real "them" starts to show up (once she moved in i realized she suffers from depression and deep emotional issues). Living together is a whole new realm for "getting to know" one another. What's actually different now is her ability to continue holding up the mask she was wearing before she moved in. And, this happens all the time. When a couple moves in together, a new process of evaluation of suitability for one another begins. There is always a process of adjustment to one another's household habits/lifestyle, etc. and the little things can be worked out. But if you don't like the person you're now living with and they are making you miserable early on and overall, I'd say move on. If she does suffer from depression and "deep emotional issues", you don't have the skill set required to effectively support her and maintain your own sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) I don’t think she was “putting an act” before moving in with you. It’s hard to be a depressed person, I’ve been there a few times and what one does is hide that part from the world even from your partner. You don’t want to be the annoying sad person. It’s human nature. The problem with some kinds of mental illness is people think they are falling out of love - might be from fear of intimacy, being an avoidant, and therefore sabotaging good relationships... it’s heavy stuff that only a therapist can determine. There’s nothing you can do besides telling her that you love her and that you hope she will decide by herself to seek help for her depression, and that you are there for her - if she does so. But seeking help has to come from her. Might take her years to realize she should. Are you willing to wait and meanwhile feel verbally abused by her? Edited February 2, 2019 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Mental illness aside - if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, there's nothing you can do to force them to enjoy being in one. It doesn't matter how nice you are or how well you treat them - if they're not feeling it for whatever reason, then it's not going to work. On top of that - you're selling yourself short by continuing a relationship with someone you know isn't in love with you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and gives back into the relationship. With the mental illness though - it can be a chicken and egg problem in the sense that depression can cause distance in a relationship, or distance/incompatibility can lead to depression. In hindsight, in my last relationship it was causing the depression rather than the other way around. It might be the case here too - she might feel in some way that you're not right for her even though you're good to her, which is why she's starting to mistreat you. Ultimately the decision is up to you, but if that was what was happening in my relationship I'd know what I'd do. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts