Jealously, love, anger, confusion

[mittens1992]

Hi everyone,

 

Before we go on, I know I have paranoia and trust issues, I'm not proud of them, I'm in therapy for them and have been for along time, since before I met my girlfriend.

 

So I met my GF over a year ago and we fell in love pretty hard, we took a good 4 or 5 months to make it exclusive because we're both fairly insecure and have had bad relationship experiences. When we got together things were perfect etc.

 

Unfortunately I found out in the first few months of us meeting (not being exclusive) she slept with her ex, like I slept with other people as well, which she knows about completely. My brain knew this was fine and knew there was no wrong doing, she chose me. I believe in free love especially when you're single and I don't believe girls should be shamed for having casual sex. She chose me. She chose me. She chose me. I told this to my self a million times. Unfortunately this whole conversation made me really insecure and jealous and turned me into a bad person. This resulted in her leaving me. Understood, I was a total arse. While we were together there was this house mate of ours who was very tall and handsome, they were friends and it made me very insecure. Like, to the point where I couldn't sleep at night. He sat me down and told me that nothing was happening between them, and to this day I still believe nothing was despite everything I'm about to tell you.

 

So about 2 months after we broke up she came back to me. She said she still loves me more than anything and wants to be with me and have a life with me, despite my jealousy flaws. When we got back together with a mixture of therapy and exercise and meditation I started to get my nasty jealous behaviour under control.

 

I later found out that she had slept with said housemate during our break up after we had both moved out. And one other guy. Again. Fine. I know what it's like to love casual sex, I had a one night stand as well (not with one of our friends mind). I trust when she's with me it's just me, because when she's with me it seriously is amazing and perfect. I am however, struggling with this ALOT. My brain knows all these things, "it's fine, we were single, shut up and move on", but I feel awful. In so much pain. It doesn't help that she lied about it when I first asked her a few months ago as well, but then again, I see why she lied. Would you tell your jealous partner about something like that? She eventually told me because she wanted to invest in our future and didn't want our relationship to be built on lies.

 

I really don't know what to do. Do I just shut up and deal with it and move on? I feel so hurt, he was a friend of mine who assured me I was crazy when I was having these worries. But maybe I was when we were together, so maybe he was right.

 

I feel really betrayed, even though no one has betrayed me. No wrong doing has occurred. Even though I slept with someone else as well. Shall I continue even though this will always be on my mind?

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited January 31, 2019 by mittens1992

[FMW]

If you can't get past it then you should probably end the relationship now.

 

My impression from what you wrote is that I probably wouldn't trust her to be faithful in the future. I'm not being judgmental about "free love", but I don't think either of you sound ready to commit to a relationship together. Maybe you both have some exploring to do first.

[mittens1992]

If you can't get past it then you should probably end the relationship now.

 

My impression from what you wrote is that I probably wouldn't trust her to be faithful in the future. I'm not being judgmental about "free love", but I don't think either of you sound ready to commit to a relationship together. Maybe you both have some exploring to do first.

 

I probably worded that wrong, I'm not a fan of cheating, but I understand that it's totally normal for all human beings in relationships to be attracted to other people and when there's no waggon to fall off (the relationship was over), there's nothing I can really be angry about, especially considering she had the guts to tell me.

 

When we have been exclusive I've had no reason to think she was cheating, she's all over me all the time and we're really happy together.

 

We've both done a lot of exploring in the past and I'm definitely ready to settle down with her. It's just a question of whether I can get through this.

[Gretchen12]

You have to stop telling yourself that her sleeping around when you're not exclusive is ok with you. It's not ok. There is continuity in reality. There's no turning on and off according to whether you're officially exclusive. Feelings don't work that way. That's why you don't feel ok about it no matter how you try to convince yourself. And about the tall guy, possibly you sensed something between them. You are so afraid of being jealous that you doubt all your feelings. Some of those feelngs are legit.

[FMW]

Stop trying to make yourself be ok with something that you are NOT ok with. I've done that before, tried to use my rational mind over my heart. Eventually your heart will win. You're only prolonging a relationship that likely isn't going to work out in the long run.

[mittens1992]

Stop trying to make yourself be ok with something that you are NOT ok with. I've done that before, tried to use my rational mind over my heart. Eventually your heart will win. You're only prolonging a relationship that likely isn't going to work out in the long run.

 

I think you're right. I'm quite a rational sort of person and I try to apply being pragmatic to all areas of my life. But I guess love is the one thing that isn't logical in a lot of ways, that's what's so wonderful and painful about it. I think maybe I just learn to move past this and deal with my anger constructively. If it doesn't get better then I have to leave, but at the moment, she's been honest about it and I respect her enough for doing that to stay with her, plus it's still fairly raw, hopefully it'll just dissolve into the past, or maybe i'm just being incredibly naive, I guess we'll find out in due course.

 

Thanks so much for your input.

[Mr. Lucky]

I later found out that she had slept with said housemate during our break up after we had both moved out.

 

So much for the bro code, eh?

 

I'd question her judgement, that's just a little too close to home. And in effect, it validates your suspicions in your first time together.

 

I always had a thing for my ex-wife's sister, and actually had an opportunity after we divorced. But I just couldn't do it, in part because I knew my ex would be very hurt if she ever found out.

 

Sounds like a lot of drama...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mittens1992]

So much for the bro code, eh?

 

I'd question her judgement, that's just a little too close to home. And in effect, it validates your suspicions in your first time together.

 

I always had a thing for my ex-wife's sister, and actually had an opportunity after we divorced. But I just couldn't do it, in part because I knew my ex would be very hurt if she ever found out.

 

Sounds like a lot of drama...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good on you, we all get tempted, I've been in similar situations and slipped up when I was A LOT younger. I wouldn't dream of hurting someone I cared about in that way now.

 

I can't decide whether I should be angry with her or not. I was a real bad person and that's why broke up, stuff like going through her phone, being cold, accusing her, asking her stuff all the time. I felt like I deserved to get dumped.

[SevenCity]

I think you would be better off finding a girl who doesn’t give out sex like chicklets.

 

I’m not a jealous guy, but behavior like this would turn me right off.

 

Some guys are ok with it if their girl slept with 1000 guys.

 

I’m not one of those guys, and sounds like you aren’t either.

[mittens1992]

I think you would be better off finding a girl who doesn’t give out sex like chicklets.

 

I’m not a jealous guy, but behavior like this would turn me right off.

 

Some guys are ok with it if their girl slept with 1000 guys.

 

I’m not one of those guys, and sounds like you aren’t either.

 

I get where your coming from. But that's me. When I'm single I sleep around all the time, even if I had feelings for someone. I'm honest with the people I'm sleeping with and I always use protection. I've never cheated. I don't know if someone who enjoys sex when they're single is confirmation that they're unfaithful. I guess I've only known her a year, surely if I just keep going I will find out in time if I'm being a mug or not. If this behaviour is regular I will know, until then I could be throwing away something with someone because they had sex while they were single.

[Chaparral]

It isn’t right for her to have slept with your friend. It awful that your friend slept with your ex. Have you not wondered if you were right all along about them sleeping together while you were living with them?

 

Have you been overly jealous with other girlfriends?

 

How long after you broke up did they sleep together? How many times?

[mittens1992]

It isn’t right for her to have slept with your friend. It awful that your friend slept with your ex. Have you not wondered if you were right all along about them sleeping together while you were living with them?

 

Have you been overly jealous with other girlfriends?

 

How long after you broke up did they sleep together? How many times?

 

 

- Yeah I have wondered, constantly. I'll never ever know despite what they both say.

 

- Yea, In quite a bad way, it's the reason I sought therapy before I met her, but unfortunately with jealously issues like mine they don't go away over night.

 

- I think it was about 2 months after. But she had slept with someone else about a week after and so had I. Tbh at the point the relationship was totally ruined and the opportunity came up for both of us so we took it. I'm not mad about the other guy. But the housemate stuff cuts really deep because of the amount of sleepless nights I had about those two and all the gas lighting I now feel he did on me.

 

Maybe I should get my revenge on him by never mentioning it and being in a happy relationship with her, because that's what he has always wanted and she chose me. Then if anything like this happens again, I run for the hills. What do you make of that?