For the MW out there?

[dupedforreal123]

Or MM? Who went NC - Do you still think of and care for your AP? Do you still feel like contacting them? Do they ever leave your mind?

[Rayce]

Do you read anyone else post because I have read a several stories this week that would answer your question?

[Abetterme]

@OP- I say this with kindness as I know where you are and how much you are hurting, but I am very concerned for your continued obsession with how your xAP is thinking/feeling.

 

I understand your need for answers so I will give you mine. My xMM and I went through a NC period last spring and I was exactly where you were. I felt crushed, hurt, questioned everything and focused on him and “did he miss me”. He reached out to me after about 3 months, saying everyone I’d wanted to hear, and we quickly fell back into things. I promise you the entire time we were back in contact, I wished I never had let him back in. I couldn’t get myself out of it when he finally said enough is enough and we haven’t had contact since Dec.

 

Please focus on yourself and deciding whether you want to remain married. Looking back I wish I had spent more of those initial three months in NC focusing on the “whys” as far as choosing to have an A and not given him a second thought because if I had, I would be a lot farther along in this process and saved myself a lot of additional heartache. I have no desire to be in contact with him now, to answer your initial question. I see the A and him, also myself for what it all is. We were incredibly selfish people on a crash course.

 

Reading these various threads you keep putting up analyzing her every action are really breaking my heart, but it is also helping me see how unproductive any of that kind of thinking is in my own healing. It’s a startling look in the mirror so to speak.

 

I wish you the best OP. If you’re not in IC, please go. It has helped me tremendously. If you feel these thoughts of her are so obsessive still, perhaps anti-depressants may be necessary to get you through this rough period.

[dupedforreal123]

@ Abetterme. Thanks for the response - unfortunately I work with her so that makes it that much harder. I get what ur saying - just need to get there.

I am on meds now so hopefully that will help and I’ve cut my work schedule to minimize the exposure. Just today she told me she still loved me and that she misses me. But I do know actions speak louder than words. Did I believe her - yes but at some point those feelings will die a slow death.

Edited January 31, 2019 by dupedforreal123

[Abetterme]

@duped - I am glad to hear this. I think the meds will help you get to a place where the loss isn’t as overwhelming so you can get out of the fog.

 

It is very hard you still have to work with her. Mercifully I have no chance of running into my xMM. I know it’s difficult, but have you considered changing jobs?

 

I think you have to continue listening to your intuition on the actions speaker louder than words. That is the only truth and way out of the agony when you accept it. My xMM and I had many similar conversations where he would express things to me and I would say “well you do x which tells me otherwise”. Then he would tell me I was making up things in my head, or I was crazy. It’s gaslighting, and it’s crazy making. In healthy relationships there should not be that uncertainty. I’m not saying she doesn’t/didn’t care for you, but she is making the choice to move on as did mine. I am thankful he did. If you’d asked me 6 months of ago if I would feel this way, I never thought I would. It does get better, but you need to quit talking to her and seeking validation that she can’t and won’t give you.

 

Feel better!!