Jealousy. What does it mean to you?

[LondonFair]

I'm curious.

 

Popular culture have us believe that jealousy equates a passionate love.

You see it in literature. Its evident in films.

 

What is your take?

 

Are some people inherently not jealous?

 

Can someone have control over this feeling and not be jealous?

 

Do you think non-jealous people love any less deeply than the inherently jealous population.

 

 

All answers are welcomed.

[SophieG]

Some people think jealousy is healthy in a relationship... it's not my personal opinion. When I compare the relationships I had in my life, when I was jealous, it was more a representation of my own insecurities or lack of self esteem, or because my partner was having suspicious behaviours that caused me to become jealous (and in the end, there was cheating or sexting someone else or whatever). When I'm in a good, faithful, happy relationship, I rarely, if ever, feel jealous.

 

For example, when my ex would tell me that he was going to see one of his friend (a girl friend), I would worry the whole time, making scenarios in my head. But that was because he started hiding his cellphone, was being distant, secretive and a lot of red flags were present. The relationship I'm actually in, when he told me he was having lunch with a friend (girl), I didn't even feel a bit jealous, because I trust him. I will admit that when we go out and there's a gorgeous woman, and he looks briefly at her, I might feel a tiny bit jealous, but that's because I'm an insecure person.

 

I think that jealousy arise when you feel threaten by something, so to me, it's not healthy or a sign of loving someone. To me, jealousy tells you that something isn't right in the relationship.

[central]

I'm curious.

 

Popular culture have us believe that jealousy equates a passionate love.

You see it in literature. Its evident in films.

 

What is your take?

 

Are some people inherently not jealous?

 

Can someone have control over this feeling and not be jealous?

 

Do you think non-jealous people love any less deeply than the inherently jealous population.

 

 

All answers are welcomed.

 

IMO, jealousy is the antithesis of love. Jealousy is really the selfish fear of losing something you value, whether or not there is a real risk of loss. So, it can also be a form of greed. The only good thing about it is that a jealous feeling may make you aware of situations where you might lose the person you value, and the good things that you've come to expect. It could be that YOU are the reason you fear them leaving, in which case you can either fix the problem in yourself in hopes they will want to stay, or - if you're a creep - you'll try to control them in ways that benefit you, but not them.

 

When jealousy is based in fear and not greed, it can be more easily managed. Fear is often irrational, and understanding the basis for it can often reduce it or even eliminate it. You still may not like that - for example - your SO spends time with other people, instead of 100% with you, but you also understand that this is normal and is not a threat that they'll leave you.

 

Some people (my wife is an excellent example) experience very little jealousy. They are either secure in themselves and in their worth, not depending on someone else (e.g., me, in this case) to validate their insecurities. She is not possessive or controlling, and is not concerned that I'd leave her for a friend I spend time with. If she didn't trust me, she'd still not be jealous, because I wouldn't be worth the negative feelings it creates in her. Since I am trustworthy, she knows she does not need to have any concerns, much less try to control me or my friendships, etc. Still, if she did experience jealousy, it would probably be for good reason, and she'd determine if she needed to protect herself from negative consequences - but without trying to control me to do so.

 

And yes, you can learn to control jealousy, even if you can't always eliminate it. We will always fear losing what we enjoy or need, but when that fear is irrational, it is more easily managed.

 

If anything, non-jealous people probably love more deeply, because their love is less about self-serving needs, and more about appreciating the other person.

Edited December 4, 2018 by central

[Lotsgoingon]

When I feel jealousy, that's a sign that something is off in my relationship.

 

And the ways the relationship can be "off" can be varied.

 

I once dated a ballroom dance teacher ... who had had a long-time dance partner--years before I started to date her. In dancing, you don't necessarily date (often people think it's better not to date) a practice partner, someone you get together with regularly and practice various moves. You can do some dance work by yourself. (This woman had 6-foot-high mirrors all around her living room, which was her dancing space. She would check her posture and movement as she danced by herself.) But to get really good, there is a lot of work you need to do with a practice partner.

 

Well ... this ballroom dance teacher delayed telling her practice partner that she was dating me ... I'm not sure jealous is the right description, but I was troubled by that and confronted her ... She said she and her practice partner just somehow avoided talking about what either were doing in their dating lives. But I worried that her reluctance to tell her dance partner was because she had weak boundaries ... and I later learned I was generally right.

 

She eventually told him ... and actually we three went out dancing together. (No, not a three-some of the dance floor).

 

The other reason I might get jealous oddly enough is when I don't really like or trust the person as much as I say I do ... and secretly, I'm thinking. Boy, I wouldn't mind getting away from her ... Perhaps she wants to get away from me ... This has happened when I dated someone who was very different than me.

 

You need to keep your eyes open when you're partnered with someone, for sure! ... But the idea that jealousy is inherent to a great romance. I don't buy that for a minute. I've found the opposite is true. In a great romance, I trust the other person, get the other person and feel deeply valued and treasured by the other person. Jealousy doesn't rear its ugly head.

 

BTW: this woman went out teaching and dancing at least twice a week without me ... (I wasn't into ballroom dance.) And lots of dancing was in close embrace with a man ... I never got worried about that.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Sarah_Smiles]

Most times I felt jealous was because I was being disrespected by the person I was with and would watch them treat others better than myself and I was the one they were with and told they loved so it was the two things being off in my mindset and it would flare up twinges of jealousy( resentment too).. I have a good male friend who thinks if a girl he is with isn't jealous then she isn't hot for him, he wants it?? Everyone has different views on if it is good or bad, I guess. It never made me feel good and took away from the relationship, IMO. You don't feel content or confident with jealousy involved, imo.

[LauraXX]

Well, it depends. Are we talking about being jealous in serious relationships or when you're casually dating? Being overly jealous in a relationship goes hand in hand with not trusting your partner. So how could that equate passionate love? I think it's pretty much the opposite.

 

 

 

I'm a very trusting person and I've also never been cheated on (as far as I know, but I'm actually pretty sure about that). So usually, when I'm in an exclusive relationship, I just trust the guy and I definitely expect him to trust me as well. I have a lot of male friends. My best friend in the world is a guy (AND an ex of mine) and I couldn't be in a relationship with somebody who has a problem with that. That would definitely be a deal-breaker.

 

 

 

That being sad. I do know what jealousy feels like. But I only have that feeling in the early stages of a relationship before the exclusivity talk. When I really want to be with somebody and I KNOW that we're not exclusive yet, it drives me crazy to picture him going on dates with other women and maybe liking them better than me. But that's different I think. It's not a lack of trust because we never that exclusivity talk in the first place.

[Gretchen12]

Dogs get jealous too, if you have more than one. It is an emotion like any other. It's problematic when the person's actions are unacceptable. Everyone feel anger at some time, but most people will not abuse another in anger. Same with jealousy, an emotion cannot be banned, but we should expect the person to not become abusive.

 

We all have emotions that are triggered by events. Jeaousy is no different from joy, shame, sadness, etc. It is a problem when a person feels it is not allowed, that it makes him seem weak, or makes him a bad person, then it can be twisted and then appear disguised as something else. It's also a problem when jealousy is given as the excuse to behave badly such as verbal abuse or control.

Edited December 5, 2018 by Gretchen12

[lurker74]

I am possessive but not jealous. What do I mean about that? Possessive is internal to me. If I return from the bathroom to find a man talking to my SO or date, I will make my position clear by touching my SO or introducing myself to him. Jealousy is external to me - I would be angry with her for what she did or did not do when the man approached or how she dressed.

 

My possessiveness does not require that she change a thing about her (internal to me). If I were jealous, it would require changes in her (external to me).

[carhill]

Jealousy. What does it mean to you?

 

It means I'm still alive, and that generally is a good thing. I fear the day I feel nothing, for soon after death shall find me one way or another.

 

In relationships or attractions I tend to accept people as they are and wasn't territorial or jealous in my marriage. However, in retrospect, it's possible that one aspect of our marital downfall was my wife, not seeing through such actions that she 'had' me, diminished attraction and respect. It's a balance.

[BaileyB]

Jealousy to me is a sign of an insecure person and/or and unhealthy relationship.

 

There is no place for jealousy in a mature, secure, and committed relationship.

[Gaeta]

I also think jealousy is the product of poor self-esteem and these people often will pick the worse relationships to be in. Example a friend of mine is extremely jealous but she will date men with questionable loyalty. I am not a jealous person but I also date a man I trust 100%. The day I experience jealousy because of something he does I will question if I am in the right relationship.

 

 

 

That being said jealousy can be the result of an emotional immaturity, personality disorder, mental illness. Controlling and manipulative people are usually jealous, jealous people are often jealous in other areas of their life like they'll be jealous of a colleague, of a sibling, of a neighbor, etc.

 

 

 

If you are the jealous type I think you need to look within and ask yourself serious questions like do you lack self-esteem.

 

 

 

If the person you date is jealous then ask yourself why do you accept to be in such relationship.

 

 

 

Yes dogs experience jealousy but dogs also have the understanding and emotional maturity of a 2 year old human.

[Gretchen12]

Yes dogs experience jealousy but dogs also have the understanding and emotional maturity of a 2 year old human.

 

Addressed to me. Do you think certain human emotions are expected to disappear in adulthood? I think only our ability to manage it get better as we mature. I have the full spectrum of human emotions.

[d0nnivain]

I certainly don't think jealousy = love. I do think it is tied to disrespect / insecurity.

 

One of my EXs was a flirty-boy. He could charm anyone. Most people didn't understand why I stayed with him but I knew that he wasn't going to cheat. His public flirting didn't change whether I was there or not & he didn't mean anything by it. I was secure in the knowledge that he was going home with me.

 

My husband on the other hand was generally clueless & had no idea how handsome he is. He still can't tell when people are flirting with him, which causes problems when those people get pissed that he was leading them on. It's cringeworthy to watch but it rarely bothered me when other people threw themselves at him because he had no idea it was happening. Then shortly after we were married he went on an extended business trip & met a group of women who work for his employer at other locations around the country. I could tell he was enjoying the attention. When I met them, the women all backed off, gave me great deference & behaved respectfully. My husband, unfortunately, paid more attention to them then to me, which made everybody uncomfortable except my husband. I got extremely jealous which caused the worst fight DH & I ever had. Bear in mind the one woman in particular who DH seemed focused on wasn't taking the bait and my EX's routine behavior was far more over the top then DH's. The difference was, DH had never taken the time to assure me that I was "top dog" and that nobody would come between us. I was actually terrified that DH finally came to understand just how gorgeous he is & now that he had some polish, some more money & a better wardrobe he was taking himself version 2.0 out for a spin.

[LondonFair]

Dogs get jealous too, if you have more than one. It is an emotion like any other. It's problematic when the person's actions are unacceptable. Everyone feel anger at some time, but most people will not abuse another in anger. Same with jealousy, an emotion cannot be banned, but we should expect the person to not become abusive.

 

We all have emotions that are triggered by events. Jeaousy is no different from joy, shame, sadness, etc. It is a problem when a person feels it is not allowed, that it makes him seem weak, or makes him a bad person, then it can be twisted and then appear disguised as something else. It's also a problem when jealousy is given as the excuse to behave badly such as verbal abuse or control.

 

 

This is interesting to me.

 

Jealousy (as is worrying) is generally considered a wasted emotion.

One, seemingly we are told to "unfeel" if we do indeed feel it.

So, I'm curious. Is it ever a healthy move to "rid of" these emotions if you are in fact feeling it?

 

Obviously, one can feel jealousy and can control themselves to not let the emotion get the best of them, for example: act out or otherwise display bad or destructive behavior.

But to bury or put away a feeling when you're feeling it. I just wonder if that is the right thing to do.

[LondonFair]

It means I'm still alive, and that generally is a good thing. I fear the day I feel nothing, for soon after death shall find me one way or another.

 

In relationships or attractions I tend to accept people as they are and wasn't territorial or jealous in my marriage. However, in retrospect, it's possible that one aspect of our marital downfall was my wife, not seeing through such actions that she 'had' me, diminished attraction and respect. It's a balance.

 

I gravitate towards this thinking as well.

 

Conversely, I wonder if someone does not experience the feelings of jealousy, does it imply that person isn't living to his or her fullest in the sense that they are not feeling the full spectrum of feelings?

[basil67]

I gravitate towards this thinking as well.

 

Conversely, I wonder if someone does not experience the feelings of jealousy, does it imply that person isn't living to his or her fullest in the sense that they are not feeling the full spectrum of feelings?

 

A full spectrum of feelings includes all kinds of irrational stuff. I don't think one needs to have irrational feelings to experience a full life.

[Gaeta]

Addressed to me. Do you think certain human emotions are expected to disappear in adulthood? I think only our ability to manage it get better as we mature. I have the full spectrum of human emotions.

I have never suggested certain emotions should disappear.

[Gretchen12]

This is interesting to me.

 

Jealousy (as is worrying) is generally considered a wasted emotion.

One, seemingly we are told to "unfeel" if we do indeed feel it.

So, I'm curious. Is it ever a healthy move to "rid of" these emotions if you are in fact feeling it?

 

Obviously, one can feel jealousy and can control themselves to not let the emotion get the best of them, for example: act out or otherwise display bad or destructive behavior.

But to bury or put away a feeling when you're feeling it. I just wonder if that is the right thing to do.

 

Actually the most jealous man I have dated was extremely sensitive about this topic. He claimed to not be jealous at all, because he doesn't want to be seen as insecure, and I think because it consumes him. When he became jealous, he would blame others and redirect the negative feelings through other means, while never admitting to being jealous.

 

Me, I simply announce to the world: Yup! I can get jealous! But it actually doesn't happen often, my mind doesn't dwell on it nor do I act out and give my partner grief. It is not a big deal, that's why for me this temporary emotion need not be feared or hidden.

 

We are also told hatred is bad. Having the potential to hate is not the same as being a hateful person.