genericwannabe Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 My girlfriend sent me a message asking if I am at my ex-wife's house (visiting my children as I do) saying these exact words: My [location] job worked out fantastic for you when you visit girls.. Could stay at [name of ex-wife] till 9/10pm or even sleep over and I'd have no idea. Anyway not trying to start a fight I promise... I'm just hangry .. My food is being prepared. I didn't respond and eventually she messaged me saying this: Are you still at [name of ex-wife] house? Or you must be driving home now Maybe your still at [ex-wife's name]...I'll let you both be. Goodnight. Now of course I am very angry because she's been like this for a while. I am definitely not cheating, I have literally been going over to see my girls after work for the past six years and that's all. I don't want to cheat, I hate the idea of cheating, and I hate cheaters. So I send some rude responses back because I've been getting the same sort of grief from this girl for about four and a bit years. She then says: Sorry I don't want to interrupt To which I respond with a few more rude messages and a picture of me at home showing my middle finger because boy is she really annoying me now. She responds with: But I asked very nicely if you were home or still at [ex-wife's name] and I got a rude response... I'm not sure how to react back... So I ask this: am I in the wrong? I know I swear a lot in my messages to her, but I am genuinely fed up of being accused of things that I would not do. She's insecure, jealous (sometimes of my children!), and I think she's gaslighting me? I want to break up with her but she keeps saying it isn't an option. I've tried before but she keeps contacting me and then I feel bad and we get back together, but I know it isn't right. Help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 She seems passive/aggressive and you somewhat petty, not a great combination. I want to break up with her but she keeps saying it isn't an option. Does she lock you in the basement? I'm trying to understand how it's her determination as to whether or not you can break up with her? I wouldn't put up with this nonsense for 4 months, much less four years. Time to man up... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 The two of you are behaving like children. Why do you visit your kids at your ex's house? Is shared custody not an option? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 I wouldn't put up with this nonsense for 4 months, much less four years. Time to man up... Indeed, it's always a smart idea to move on from someone who's not happy with our choices. That said, he'll be waiting a VERY long time to find a woman who is OK with him hanging out with his ex on such a regular basis. I hope he enjoys being single. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 This would get very old if nothing is going on with you and your ex. She's passive aggressive and she most certainly was trying to start a fight with her first text. And her second, third, and fourth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author genericwannabe Posted September 17, 2018 Author Share Posted September 17, 2018 The two of you are behaving like children. Why do you visit your kids at your ex's house? Is shared custody not an option? Without going into a massive backstory; shared custody isn't an option. I don't live near my kids but I want to see them as often as possible so have been going over after work to see them twice a week. On both those days I take them out to clubs and then tuck them into bed before leaving. If I am even ten minutes late (most likely because my girls don't want me to go and get upset) my girlfriend becomes suspicious and starts making accusations. I am sorry it seems like I am being childish, but considering I've put up with this same thing for roughly four years it starts to get to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author genericwannabe Posted September 17, 2018 Author Share Posted September 17, 2018 Indeed, it's always a smart idea to move on from someone who's not happy with our choices. That said, he'll be waiting a VERY long time to find a woman who is OK with him hanging out with his ex on such a regular basis. I hope he enjoys being single. I am not hanging out with my ex - I am seeing my children. I am happy being single if it means I can see my kids without such assumptions. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 Without going into a massive backstory; shared custody isn't an option. I don't live near my kids but I want to see them as often as possible so have been going over after work to see them twice a week. On both those days I take them out to clubs and then tuck them into bed before leaving. If I am even ten minutes late (most likely because my girls don't want me to go and get upset) my girlfriend becomes suspicious and starts making accusations. I am sorry it seems like I am being childish, but considering I've put up with this same thing for roughly four years it starts to get to you. With regards to your end of the drama, if a partner doesn't bring out your best, then you need to move on. If you choose to stay regardless of the way she makes you feel, then your behaviour is on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author genericwannabe Posted September 17, 2018 Author Share Posted September 17, 2018 This would get very old if nothing is going on with you and your ex. She's passive aggressive and she most certainly was trying to start a fight with her first text. And her second, third, and fourth. That is the problem - nothing has ever happened with my ex since we separated but I keep being accused of sleeping with her. If children weren't involved then I'd have moved away from this place and be done with my ex. But I love my kids so much and so I make the best effort I can to see them each week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 I am not hanging out with my ex - I am seeing my children. I am happy being single if it means I can see my kids without such assumptions. As long as you're aware that this will also be an issue with future partners. If you are happier being single, then good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author genericwannabe Posted September 17, 2018 Author Share Posted September 17, 2018 With regards to your end of the drama, if a partner doesn't bring out your best, then you need to move on. If you choose to stay regardless of the way she makes you feel, then your behaviour is on you. She really doesn't bring out the best in me. I am unhappy. She hasn't got me locked in a basement, but when I do try and break up with her she sends me messages that make me feel bad and I come straight back. I hate the idea of making someone sad, but at the same time I could spend a lot more time with my children and friends if she wasn't in the picture (she gets jealous sometimes when I am at friends too). Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 It does sound like you need to move on. Breaking up with someone is always unpleasant (heck, you've got an ex and kids - you know how this works) but look at it as if you're ripping off sticking plaster. Short term pain for long term gain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 She really doesn't bring out the best in me. I am unhappy. She hasn't got me locked in a basement, but when I do try and break up with her she sends me messages that make me feel bad and I come straight back. I hate the idea of making someone sad, but at the same time I could spend a lot more time with my children and friends if she wasn't in the picture (she gets jealous sometimes when I am at friends too). Some people aren't cut out for dating someone with an ex and kids (and friends, apparently). She sounds like one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I hate the idea of making someone sad You divorced and/or broke up with the mother of your kids, right? It just seems strange to have you complain about something completely under your control... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author genericwannabe Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 You divorced and/or broke up with the mother of your kids, right? It just seems strange to have you complain about something completely under your control... Mr. Lucky My ex decided one day that she no longer loved me. I haven't actually broken up with anyone before so it's not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 My ex decided one day that she no longer loved me. I haven't actually broken up with anyone before so it's not easy. It isn't easy even if you have broken up with someone before. Nobody finds it easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 She really doesn't bring out the best in me. I am unhappy. She hasn't got me locked in a basement, but when I do try and break up with her she sends me messages that make me feel bad and I come straight back. I hate the idea of making someone sad, but at the same time I could spend a lot more time with my children and friends if she wasn't in the picture (she gets jealous sometimes when I am at friends too). but when I do try and break up with her she sends me messages that make me feel bad -- She sends you messages that make you feel bad and angry even when you're not trying to break up with her. This relationship has become toxic for both of you and it certainly isn't one you'd want to ever involve your children in. Get focused on your priorities -- your kids. Let this girl go and find one who understands the co-parenting role you are obligated to maintain and is supportive of that. Tell her you are moving on because you need a supportive partner who trusts you and appreciates that you are taking an active role in the lives of your children and that that would be a great quality in a husband/father for someone who is equally as focused and goal oriented and not all about themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Your ex broke up with you. It sounds like you would still be together if it wasn't for your ex's decision. It is easy to see why your current girlfriend would be made anxious and jealous about you visiting someone who you wanted to remain with. Perhaps you should think about what you are doing here? Is there some other way you could see your children? I know it is difficult and you don't want to disrupt their routine or make them insecure. If you want to break up with your girlfriend, you should do it. It is not helping either of you to prolong this if you have no long-term intentions towards her. At some level, she will realise this and it probably fuels the jealousy. It is asking a lot of a girlfriend to expect her not to mind you visiting your ex-wife and children regularly. Reason says one thing, the heart says another. I think this could be more about unfinished business with your wife than anything else. Your girlfriend should know better than to stick with you in this situation. You do not have strong enough feelings for her to overcome the other challenges in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Literally no one opts to see their kids at their ex's home when there's other ways to go about it. You could pick the kids up and leave and go over to your own house and the kids will make a mess and eat the food and it will be obvious you were there with them. You can see the kids at a time they can also be around your girlfriend once in awhile. It seems to me you WANT to go to your ex's house and hang out instead of doing custody any number of more conventional ways. No woman is going to put up with that. No one is that secure (or gullible). You'd have to be an automaton to accept that situation. Don't tell me you can't change it. Everyone makes huge life changes at the time of divorce to accommodate their kids and visitation, including moving. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 (edited) Your girlfriend is clearly insecure and she may have good reason to feel that way. Maybe she doesn't have good reason but you fail to understand she cannot control her feelings, her messages are driven by anxiety and rather than reassuring her and comforting her and letting her know she can trust you, you send her a picture of someone sticking up their middle finger. That's going to make things much worse, not better. Rather than being compassionate and understanding you are being just plain nasty. Why are you with a woman who you find to be annoying, who makes you so mad that you feel the need to respond so rudely towards? So yes, in answer to your question, from what I know of you and your girlfriend, you are wrong in how you are dealing with this situation. Edited September 23, 2018 by Mardelis spell correct 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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