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Losing hope


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Old 16th September 2018, 12:44 AM   #1
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Losing hope

Tonight I had a get together with a friend who was in town. Long story short he moved away many years ago for a job and returned just recently. When he's in town we get together (he's a friend not a lover btw), and we went out for a night of theater and a late night meal.

We had a catch up on things, I asked if he was with someone as of late. He said no, he chooses not to because by the time you get to our age bracket it's just a boulevard of broken dreams anymore. He's 52, never been married or had children. I am 43 and the same. I asked, not that it's my business or anything, but does he have any FWB he sees because I do that I have been rotating for a few years now. He said no.

It depressed me to hear him say that because ... I have been thinking that lately. I really want to be with someone, I have tried and tried. I have to accept the fact that I'm too old to have children, but ... I can't keep hope that I can ever attract someone anymore. I look very good for my age, but I get thrown over time and again. I struggle in the career mode, like everyone else, but I never give up.

What others out there are in the same position? I think I am too old anymore to attract someone. People have called me horrible names in the last few years - that I am an old maid, that I'm a spinster, that I must have caustic personality, that something must be wrong with me, etc. - BUT I'M A CATCH. What do you tell yourselves when people do/say things like this?
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:05 PM   #2
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Tonight I had a get together with a friend who was in town. Long story short he moved away many years ago for a job and returned just recently. When he's in town we get together (he's a friend not a lover btw), and we went out for a night of theater and a late night meal.

We had a catch up on things, I asked if he was with someone as of late. He said no, he chooses not to because by the time you get to our age bracket it's just a boulevard of broken dreams anymore. He's 52, never been married or had children. I am 43 and the same. I asked, not that it's my business or anything, but does he have any FWB he sees because I do that I have been rotating for a few years now. He said no.

It depressed me to hear him say that because ... I have been thinking that lately. I really want to be with someone, I have tried and tried. I have to accept the fact that I'm too old to have children, but ... I can't keep hope that I can ever attract someone anymore. I look very good for my age, but I get thrown over time and again. I struggle in the career mode, like everyone else, but I never give up.

What others out there are in the same position? I think I am too old anymore to attract someone. People have called me horrible names in the last few years - that I am an old maid, that I'm a spinster, that I must have caustic personality, that something must be wrong with me, etc. - BUT I'M A CATCH. What do you tell yourselves when people do/say things like this?
OP, I'm taking the time to write a TL/DR because there is something about your situation that is sympathetic to me. Had I married younger, you could have been my daughter. I'm not just going to only try to answer your closing question, but to comment on generalities and some other points you brought out in your post. I am a 64 y/o male who 'lost' my 30s, 40s and 50s in an ultimately failed (marriage) relationship yet one that succeeded in providing what little guidance and stability my now-adult children received during their 'formative' years. So take what I write in the context of who I am and where I've been.

Generally, I've noticed a few of your threads. With all due respect to you as a person, you come across as very negative and 'shoot yourself in the foot' from time to time. A recent incident where you no-showed an OLD first in-person meeting comes to mind. You may be dissatisfied with the quality of the men you are meeting through OLD. That's okay and I would find no fault if you 'raise the bar' of selectivity of the men you choose to meet. But if you treat them like shyt, you, as I said, are shooting yourself in the foot.

At 43, you are not in the same age bracket as your 52 y/o friend.

Just an observation ... as a relationship-minded guy obviously of an earlier generation, the rotating FWBs would be a huge red flag to me because of the premium I put on commitment. Other LSers, including LS guys your age, will have their own opinions. I assume it's a fact you'd be careful about sharing should you meet a guy you wanted an LTR with - you do say that you really want to be with someone.

You say you've tried and tried, in context for a relationship. Again, with the ease with which you give up on OLD contacts it may be necessary to, as Rafiki says in The Lion King - yeah - the wisdom of a cartoon character as imparted to my children, 'try harder' i.e. be more patient, accepting, and flexible.

Too old to have children? Likely. If really true, I'm sorry. I love kids and I especially love my kids. But if you really care that much, discuss it with a doctor to find out for sure and if there's anything (frozen eggs?) you could do to 'stretch' the timing. FWIW several of the late 50s and early 60s women I've 'met' on OLD have said they have teens.

43 and looking good? I see 40 and early 50 somethings on OLD all the time who are, at least in their posted photos, in a word (or three) hot and gorgeous. If you keep getting 'thrown over', do you think it could be lack of selectivity? Again, it's a patience thing.

Finally, to your explicit question. At my age and gender, I acknowledge that I am not in the same position. But looking very good for your age at 43, I doubt you are too old to attract someone anymore or that you are an old maid or a spinster. On the other hand, as I've hinted here and posted elsewhere, you do indeed often reveal a caustic personality. It is something for you to work on ... again patient, accepting, flexible.

People (women I meet and date) don't say horrible things to me - they just ignore or ghost me, which has a similar effect. What I tell myself is the 'Rafiki words', 'try harder' (really 'keep trying'). So far I am not yet jaded enough to give up .... because the 'up side' is a relationship and the 'down side' which is almost guaranteed with giving up is facing life (and eventually death) alone.
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:11 PM   #3
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do you have a specific question mortensorchid?
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:27 PM   #4
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Carrying and giving birth to a child may or may not happen for you but having a good relationship is certainly attainable. People of all ages, much older than you, meet and fall in love.

But without exception those that do I am certain have positive attitudes and are open and receptive to meeting and getting to know other people, whether or not there is any initial spark or ever will be. The more you interact with people - in a positive way - and enjoy their company the more likely and more quickly you will meet someone with whom you really click.

I'm 53, divorced for 2 years after a 23 year marriage. I really enjoy meeting people whether just as friends or as possible romantic interests. I feel confident that I will fall in love again with someone who returns the feeling. But in the meantime I am enjoying life as it comes. I have friends older than me who have met in recent years and are in happy relationships. If they can do it, so can I. And so can you

I'm sorry your 52 year old guy friend has given up, but don't use him as a gauge of what's to come. Commiserating in negativity isn't good for either of you.

Make a conscious effort to seek out positive things and people. Don't feed the negativity that's holding you down. I know you keep hearing that a lot here on LS. It's because we see a pattern of half glass full thinking on your part. When you meet new guys they most likely are picking up that negativity and that stops things dead in their tracks.

It's great that you are a catch and know it. But be open to getting to know others and see what might make them a catch too instead of focusing on small negatives when you meet them.

Last edited by Finding my way; 16th September 2018 at 2:33 PM..
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:45 PM   #5
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What others out there are in the same position? I think I am too old anymore to attract someone. People have called me horrible names in the last few years - that I am an old maid, that I'm a spinster, that I must have caustic personality, that something must be wrong with me, etc. - BUT I'M A CATCH. What do you tell yourselves when people do/say things like this?
I look right back at 'em. They say they can't imagine having to be in the dating world at my age. Well, I can't imagine being in their long-married shoes either. The things they have to put up with from each other... I can't imagine living my life that way.

As far as being too old to attract someone, or thinking it's too late, or losing hope... I don't think I would describe it that way. I kinda HAVE given up hope (I'm 58), and I've handed the whole thing over to God. It's entirely in His hands now. Sure I strive to do my part - look good when going out, be kind to everyone, etc. - but if there is someone out there for me, God's going to have to drop him out of the sky and fall into my lap. I'm not doing anything to seek it out anymore. I am content with this approach.
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Old 16th September 2018, 4:26 PM   #6
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In general, OLD is not a good thing but otherwise I never meet anyone outside of the using the internet. And 9 out of 10 times it's not Right. But I go because I want to at least TRY to meet others, get out there and attempt for something to happen.

Caustic personality? I don't think but it's hard to stay positive when there are disappointments all over the place.

So my question is what do I do to improve the situation? Someone called me an old maid. I can only say that if and when that happens to you, it hurts. I wouldn't be so cruel as to do/say something to someone but others feel that they can say that because I guess they can.
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Old 16th September 2018, 6:15 PM   #7
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Yeah agree with nos anything casual , can't even say the word hate it but it would be a real turn off to me to.
But apart from that 43 isn't too old to be single no way , it's a damn nice age for a women.
When we find ourselves divorced or whatever it's amazing there's people of all ages starting over for whatever reason even 70s, 80s, heard some great stories.

for me too, not been married and no kids would be a real attraction to me too.
lots of reasons but you'd be in nice shape and be free to do and live what you want would be huge too to me and l wouuldn't have to deal with kids and in laws and ex's and all the crap
who knows why your friend is really still single, maybe he just can't be bothered with the hassle of women , they are a pain in the ass haha, lotta guys feel that way that's why so many won't commit, relationships can be bloody hard, marriage can be very hard, even good ones.

People sayin that stuff to ya need a kick in the ass but l dunno , think l'd just try not to come across cynical , be happy , try and choose carefully who you bother meeting from now on, anything can happen life can change in a heartbeat right.
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Old 16th September 2018, 6:45 PM   #8
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for me too, not been married and no kids would be a real attraction to me too..
ha, I thought I am the only one who has these kind of requirements.
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Old 16th September 2018, 8:58 PM   #9
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We had a catch up on things, I asked if he was with someone as of late. He said no, he chooses not to because by the time you get to our age bracket it's just a boulevard of broken dreams anymore. He's 52, never been married or had children. I am 43 and the same. I asked, not that it's my business or anything, but does he have any FWB he sees because I do that I have been rotating for a few years now. He said no.
I have a buddy that basically gave up on women before he hit 30. His loss. When it comes to the ladies, he is even more negative than your 52-year-old friend there. Should I also give up because my friend did, or should I just shrug and live my life?

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It depressed me to hear him say that because ... I have been thinking that lately. I really want to be with someone, I have tried and tried. I have to accept the fact that I'm too old to have children, but ... I can't keep hope that I can ever attract someone anymore. I look very good for my age, but I get thrown over time and again. I struggle in the career mode, like everyone else, but I never give up.
Your looks are not your problem. You know this, so why even worry about how you look?

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What others out there are in the same position? I think I am too old anymore to attract someone. People have called me horrible names in the last few years - that I am an old maid, that I'm a spinster, that I must have caustic personality, that something must be wrong with me, etc. - BUT I'M A CATCH. What do you tell yourselves when people do/say things like this?
You should be a catch, yes. If I was single, I would be looking for a girl a lot like you on paper. A lot of guys are. Old enough to have your crap together but young enough to still be hot. Not having kids and actually being willing to have them is a huge perk you have going for you. So, you know you are attractive, you know you are, on paper at least, a good catch, so why are you struggling? It's 100% your attitude. You are sooo negative. If a guy makes the most minor of screw ups with you, you just immediately toss him to the wayside. One date doesn't work out for you and you start a thread on LS to vent about how horrible of an experience it is. People will run away from that negativity as fast as they can. No one wants that in their life.

Look, you're a smart girl, attractive, and you really could be a catch. Truly. You just need to change your mindset. You really need to drop that excessive negativity. Your thinking that everything is horrible is what makes everything horrible.
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Old 16th September 2018, 10:08 PM   #10
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I am not a negative person, I am just overwhelmed with how many bad experiences I have had with the dating world. I suppose someone else has had nothing but positives and can't understand or relate to it. I'm tired. What else can I say? Whenever I try, it's the same thing - an OLD where you just meet, have the evening, then you walk away and most of the time never hear from that person ever again. It keeps happening and happening.
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Old 16th September 2018, 10:28 PM   #11
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I am not a negative person, I am just overwhelmed with how many bad experiences I have had with the dating world. I suppose someone else has had nothing but positives and can't understand or relate to it. I'm tired. What else can I say? Whenever I try, it's the same thing - an OLD where you just meet, have the evening, then you walk away and most of the time never hear from that person ever again. It keeps happening and happening.
This is precisely why I suggest everyone stop using OLD. Like you, for me, OLD was a soul-crushing experience. I know some people have positive experiences with it, but I think it's plain awful. It obviously isn't working for you, so I would say it's time for a change. Start trying to meet men out in the real world. That way, you can get a measure of a guy before you waste your time dating him.
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Old 16th September 2018, 10:58 PM   #12
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This is precisely why I suggest everyone stop using OLD. Like you, for me, OLD was a soul-crushing experience. .
I tried to stop, but already paid for 1 yr...so can't waste it.
guess, people don't really take people from OLD seriously. there is a stigma and label.

You are automatically downgraded to the bottom as a person if you are online, I guess.

Last edited by Springsummer; 16th September 2018 at 11:01 PM..
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Old 17th September 2018, 3:06 AM   #13
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I tried to stop, but already paid for 1 yr...so can't waste it.
If you bought a bunch of heroin, tried some and almost died, would you want to keep using it to avoid wasting it, or would you quit because it's bad for you?

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guess, people don't really take people from OLD seriously. there is a stigma and label.

You are automatically downgraded to the bottom as a person if you are online, I guess.
The internet changes people and those changes are evident when using OLD. I have never said hello to a random person on the street and have them totally ignore me. How many people say hi to us on OLD just to get ignored? You log online and you're greeted by hundreds of single people to choose from. If you make a date with a random person you don't know in the slightest, exactly how invested are you into this date? My guess is not very. So, you've got this date lined up, you aren't really feelin it, so your odds of ghosting on this date or standing them up are pretty good. Why not? You don't know them anyway, nor will you ever see them.

I tell everyone the same thing. Live your life. Get out more. Get to know people. If you meet people, and get to know them, you can get a far better measure of someone before you go out with them. Not only that, but much of the unpleasantness of OLD goes away. People you know are far less likely to ghost on you, ignore you, stand you up, etc. Online, people have no trouble doing that nonsense because all they need to do is block you and it's like you never existed.

There was a time when OLD was a cool way to meet people, but for many of us these days, it just makes you bitter.
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Old 17th September 2018, 5:11 AM   #14
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ha, I thought I am the only one who has these kind of requirements.
haaaa , we're just smarter than some .
Nah , when l was single l see women with 3 kids or 5 kids and ex's and god knows what and l'd just think forget it.
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Old 17th September 2018, 6:13 AM   #15
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In general, OLD is not a good thing but otherwise I never meet anyone outside of the using the internet. And 9 out of 10 times it's not Right. But I go because I want to at least TRY to meet others, get out there and attempt for something to happen.

Caustic personality? I don't think but it's hard to stay positive when there are disappointments all over the place.

So my question is what do I do to improve the situation? Someone called me an old maid. I can only say that if and when that happens to you, it hurts. I wouldn't be so cruel as to do/say something to someone but others feel that they can say that because I guess they can.
43 is a good age to meet all the guys who are divorced from their first wife and have settled down to meet someone for a real relationship and make it stick.
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