norudder Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 I've read a few posts recently of sexless marriages and one of the options offered as resolution is to remain married under one roof and live separately, having needs met elsewhere. Not just hobbies and social life, my question is specifically regarding sex, affection, emotional intimacy, ie a GF. How realistic is this for these guys? I mean, to do so with integrity. Let gf talk with wife right? Tell her there's no real future of sharing life so nothing ever develops that's serious or meaningful,a string of casual? Do you bring her to your marital home or is dating always one sided? Have you seen much success in situations like that? Or am I naive and that's really the ideal for alot of men...keep the benefits of married life (money house etc) and women on the side for sex you don't have to lie about or invest in? Sorry just realized, this should be under divorce and sep. Mods please move. Ty! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 How many women do you think are going to be ok with dating a man, having a sexual relationship with a man, who continues to live at home with his wife and possibly children? I mean, you may find some who "fall in love" and agree to this arrangement in much the same way that there are women who get involved with married men, but any women who is looking for a man of integrity with whom she could share a real relationship would not entertain this as a possibility... You are looking at this from the man's perspective. The cost/benefit analysis would be different for a woman - there is very little be gained from this situation for the woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 Yup, thanks. I guess that's the point I'm making. Doesn't seem very realistic. But hey, maybe I'm wrong and the ones who suggest this option are doing so because they've seen it work. Otherwise, the husbands should probably dismiss it and not waste their time considering it in their evaluation for a way forward with their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 What you are talking about... is a for of an open relationship. A lot of people poo poo on this, and in some situations they would be right. The question is, if we are talking about you, does your wife not want to have sex, or just not want to have sex with you. It is one thing to have an open relationship and quite another to support a woman that want to screw everyone except you. It is obviously way more work for a man to find a woman that wants this type of relationship, but it can be done. The question is why? For me, I am not going to be friends with a woman and play married if it is not an actual romantic relationship. It is way easier to just get divorced and move on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 It can be done, particularly if you are involved in the poly community. It's not easy. If you are monogamously inclined, you are better off just breaking up and seeking out a relationship that actually fills your needs. However, some people really desperately do not want to end their marriage and are willing to consider more exotic alternatives. As for how exactly it all works, that's going to depend on the people involved. Most poly folk afaik would want to at least MEET the wife to be sure that she was actually on board with this. Some would want to be good friends with her. Others would prefer to stay away from her as much as possible. As with open relationships in general, it is not easy for a married man to find a poly woman who's actually interested in getting involved with him when she has so many other options available. *Especially* a man who's not willingly poly to begin with. If you're considering finding a girlfriend, you need to think hard about what you have to offer outside of just "a relationship" - because you can't actually offer most of the normal benefits of a relationship. So what can you offer? What will make you an attractive fish? No, I don't just mean "be gorgeous and rich" (although obviously that helps you get dates) but - do you have specific weird interests that might attract the attention of someone who shares them? Are you really good at anything? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 It has a very low chance of working. Better to divorce cleanly so all your options are open. Few women will knowingly date a married man who has permission - they'd rather find a cheater and hope they can lure him away, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Few women will knowingly date a married man who has permission - they'd rather find a cheater and hope they can lure him away, I think. No one wants to date a cheater. And no self-respecting woman would date a married man, OP. That's just dirty. If a man I liked told me he was still living with his wife who he was "divorcing" - I would not trust him until he was actually divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 No one wants to date a cheater. And no self-respecting woman would date a married man, OP. That's just dirty. If a man I liked told me he was still living with his wife who he was "divorcing" - I would not trust him until he was actually divorced. Unfortunately, some people do date cheaters. Many people date while separated/divorcing. It's not always wise, particularly if they're still living together, but it's hardly unheard of. And a few people are non-monogamous to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
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