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Question for the LoveShack Ladies [who have been in or affected by affairs]

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Old 8th February 2018, 11:52 AM   #1
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Question for the LoveShack Ladies [who have been in or affected by affairs]

Why do so many BS's turn around and become the OW?

Although I don't have any official statistics, obviously, there seems to be a pattern here at LS. Despite the unbearable pain a BS goes through with their cheating spouses, many former BS's turn around and become the OW themselves in an affair with a married man. And this seems to happen whether the BS stays in the marriage or divorces and becomes single again.

Why do we inflict the same pain on an unknown, innocent woman when we've been through that agony ourselves?


(Looking for legit emotional/psychological reasons and experiences. Thank you.)
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Old 8th February 2018, 3:31 PM   #2
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off the top of my head, can i ask, why do you care? what aren't you telling us?

i'm a bs. been divorced since 90 days after d-day. i'm stuck with the ex because of the children, and he left the one he left me for.

i don't know anyone that is actively cheating, at this moment and i'd probabley stop speaking to them if i did find out.

one of my orphans has been in a long term live in relationship and recently i was told by another of mine the he went "out" with another woman.

i was so freaked out i started to cry.

i just couldn't believe it.

tho they didn't have sex and the OW lives far far away, thank god, the kids told me that my son is bored. his SO doesn't fix herself up very often, isn't witty or outgoing.

hope that helps.
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:00 PM   #3
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Yikes, I am probably going to invite a flogging here.

I was first a BS, and later a WS/OW.

I will answer from my personal perspective. First, yes his (my husband's) cheating sucked, but it wasn't unbearable pain, so again this is my angle - but it wasn't the life shattering event for me as it is for many.

She didn't hurt me, he did. I really felt like it had so little to do with her, and everything to do with him and us.

So why did I do it even though it could hurt her (MM's wife)? Because it wasn't about her, honestly I didn't think about her much at all. And I figured that if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. It was her husband who was looking to cheat. Her husband that propositioned me. I figured her problem wasn't me, it was him.

I am not saying that it's right, but if you want to know what was going through my head - there ya go.

As far as I know she never discovered "us" (it's been over for a long time now), and I don't know if he has cheated again, but I certainly wouldn't be surprised if he has.
Sorry for all of the typos! On a cell phone that thinks it is smarter than me

Last edited by RecentChange; 8th February 2018 at 4:03 PM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:03 PM   #4
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Not a lady, but I know someone who was a BW and who was actively trying to get me to leave my engagement for her.

In a message she told me she was in love with me and couldn't bear the thought of someone else being where she wants to be. That she also couldn't settle for less than all of me. But it's so unbearable to be near me and not be able to touch me. She begged me to tell her to go away. So I did. A week later she's back at it again. It finally stopped but I had to be firm in saying no and in way that she believed I was determined. It was tough because physically I really did want her.

So I can't say whether she would have been willing to be my OW if I wanted but she absolutely was willing to blow up my relationship to get what she wanted without qualms.

Maybe because someone did it to her??
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
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Last edited by Jj66; 8th February 2018 at 4:09 PM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 7:35 PM   #5
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I wasn't married but my partner of 4 years was cheating on me for at least 3 of them and my bf before that also slept around on me. Now I am having an affair with a married man.
I didn't set out looking for taken men, but when it happened I didn't stop it because I thought ' well I can be the woman that is cheated on or with'. I very rarely think of his wife and when I do I still don't feel anything for her.

Similar to the above poster I never felt malice towards my exs OW, in fact i'm on friendly terms with her now. The cheating was entirely his fault as he had made the commitment to me.

I also don't think that OW are looking to inflict pain on someone, it is a consequence of doing what we want, not something we set out to do.

Last edited by unconditionallover; 8th February 2018 at 7:40 PM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 9:32 PM   #6
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In my case, xMM and I were in similar situations when we met and got involved. His wife had moved out of their marital home because he had cheated on her 9 months earlier. I was coming to terms with asking for a divorce from my unfaithful husband. xMM was charming and persistent and I gave in because I wanted to feel alive and wanted again.

Neither of us was emotionally available, and as they say, like attracts like.

Although I didn't feel good about the situation, I did not feel responsible for their marital estrangement, that happened before we met. I saw their situation through the lens of my own, the husbands in both marriages were unfaithful and the wives chose to separate. In both situations the husbands wanted to stay married (although with little to no chance of staying faithful in either marriage). However, while I decided to go through with divorce, xMM's BW chose to just put things on hold for 2 1/2 years and live separately.

Over a few years of the A I started healing and moving forward from my marriage ending. Unfortunately I also had fallen in love with xMM and he claimed to love me as well. He claimed our relationship was unlike any he had before. A year ago his BW (he says) could no longer afford to live apart and is a good Catholic woman who refuses to divorce. And xMM for various reasons, including his love and attachment to BW even though he can't be faithful to her, did not want to divorce. So she moved back in with him, although he claims there was no sex and she spent her time at work, at the gym, and with friends and her family. I let the A go on for another year, I'm not proud to say. I was stuck for all the reasons many OW on this board are stuck - love for the MM and addiction to the A.

But almost exactly one year to the date of BW moving back in with xMM, I could no longer take the pain and futility of the situation. I stopped responding to him and we have now been NC for over 4 weeks. Now I have to learn how to heal from the A.

So that's how I as a BW became the OW. Maybe not typical for the stories on here, but parts of my story may be common to others.
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Old 8th February 2018, 10:14 PM   #7 Moderator Moderator
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No one will be receiving a flogging here except invaders who aren't 'Loveshack ladies who have been in or affected by affairs' which means OW/MW/BW and specifically those being sought out are BS who have later turned into MW/OW, or those who choose to inject anti-affair rhetoric instead of answering the topic question:

Why do we inflict the same pain on an unknown, innocent woman when we've been through that agony ourselves?
If you are part of the 'we' in that question, your respectful and civil remarks are welcomed here. If not, like the last member who's rapidly heading out the door, your posting life will be brief. This isn't rocket science. It's reading comprehension and adherence to simple guidelines.

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Old 8th February 2018, 11:38 PM   #8
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Hmm, how long have you got? About 10 years ago I got involved with a married guy, something I would never have even considered when I was younger, 1; Because I had experienced a cheating partner, and 2; Because when it came to being a goody-two-shoes I could give Pollyanna a run for her money.

The thing that altered my attitudes was that as I got older and was still single, I began to realise how self-absorbed and mean-spirited so many women could be. I had a limited social life, as many single middle-aged people do, especially if they're attractive females who pose a perceived threat to their married friends. You get left off of dinner party guest lists, you don't get invited to BBQ's, and if you're looking for a friend to go out for lunch, a game of golf, clubbing with, on the weekend you can forget it because they're just too busy with their hubby/BF and other couples.

As I sank into a pit of loneliness and depression I often thought back to when a friend had lost her partner through tragedy, how I was there for her as often as I could be and went way out of my way to get her back out socialising, (she ended up marrying a guy I introduced her to through my then boyfriend and I didn't even get an invite to the wedding - see where I'm going here?), and also how often I had helped girlfriends in one way or another because I cared about them and the friendship, and how often those same friends had let me down, left me sitting at home on my own while they went for weekends away, out for dinner, whatever, with other couples. And so, when I met this married man and developed genuine feelings for him, I consciously threw my morals out the window.

I didn't see why I should be kind to the sisterhood when it wasn't kind to me. Won't include me in your social activities because I'm single and attractive? Fair enough, I won't include you on my list of people to give a s*** about. That's really how I began to think because I felt so left out, like I was invisible because I didn't have a partner. I'd like to be able to say that I moved past that attitude, but I never really have. While I would never get involved with a married person again, I have learned not to trust women and not to overvalue their friendship, and when I hear that so-and-so's husband got caught having an affair I rarely feel sympathy for the woman.

I don't hate other women, but I acknowledge how competitive and jealous they can be, and I disregard their feelings because of it. I think there's an element of competition and payback in affairs, but usually on a subconscious level rather than conscious like in my case.

Last edited by Moderator; 8th February 2018 at 11:54 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs
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