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Boyfriend looks way too young, I'm embarrassed


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Old 27th December 2017, 7:15 PM   #1
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Boyfriend looks way too young, I'm embarrassed

We were dating for nine months And broke up because he was immature. He changed his act and became more responsible. We got back together three weeks ago, But since we were apart for a while I can now see his appearance more clearly than I did before!

He is 20 and I am 25, I look my age. He looks like he's 16, But others have told me that he looks 14 to them.
He is a really sweet guy who has treated me like a queen, So I was able to look past this for a while. Now I'm able to see it more clearly, And I'm kind of embarrassed. I showed a picture of him to my family And they have all been commenting on it for the last week and asking me if everything is okay with me!!

They think I'm some kind of pedophile, All of my boyfriends have been my age or older. I took up with this guy because he was sweet And kind.

But, My whole family and my friends won't accept it. They think that there's something wrong with me.
I have noticed his youth too. We don't match at all and he does look way way too young for me.

I kind of feel like one of those teachers who takes up with her middle school student. I'm not sure what to do it because I don't want to bring him around my family. And I'm tired of people thinking I'm his older sister or giving us weird looks.
But I do really care for him, and I know he cares for me. I get excited to spend time together, The relationship is completely normal, I just looked more like his older sister or his teacher.
I would appreciate any advice!
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Old 27th December 2017, 7:26 PM   #2
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You are happy. Sod everyone else. Enjoy your time together.
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Old 27th December 2017, 7:28 PM   #3
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eh, tough situation. lotta poeple will tell you screw what others think, but the reality is that social acceptance is very important, so i feel ya. Most guys who still look like middle schoolers in their early teen most of the time start looking for manly by the time that they are in their mid 20s. In the meanwhile, maybe he can do his hairstyle, grooming differently as well as dressing a bit older (not like mr. rogers but less rockband/surfer tshirts and more cashmere and conversely, maybe you can dress and do your makeup a bit younger than your age then?

to me, features that define youth are things like lack of hair, lack of tan, casual clothes like skater hoodies, lack of muscle mass, shoes, etc.. does that sound about right or is it more his baby face? i think well groomed facial hair def helps if that's the case.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:24 AM   #4
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Date a 25 yo man. Someone who is doing something with his life. If you do that, it won't matter if he looks young.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:49 AM   #5
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Sounds like your family and friends have you cowed. Where's your courage?
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:40 AM   #6
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I'm a firm believer that if you are not your SO's biggest champion / # 1 you are in the wrong relationship.

That said, can you dress him older? Get him out of the casual clothes that define his age group & put him in a blazer?
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Old 28th December 2017, 2:11 PM   #7
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My ex husband looked like a teenager well into his 30's. He's now 42 and looks like an adult. I didn't like always being asked if we were together especially as I held our than infant daughter. I don't think it's a good idea to date someone based on looks, nor do I think breaking up with someone solely because of looks is a good idea either. He's good to you, that's something. But if it's too big of a problem for you maybe consider dating more.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:44 AM   #8
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It sounds like there are far bigger issues in your relationship than how he looks.
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Old 29th December 2017, 7:31 AM   #9
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the fact is he is 20 no matter how old he looks its only five years difference in saying that if it bothers you that much then maybe you shouldn't be with him....deb
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Old 29th December 2017, 7:43 AM   #10
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Meh.

I’ve always looked younger than I really am. Still do. When I was his age I looked 16 too. Now, I’m in my late 40s and people often think I’m 35.

I never had the problem you’re having because I tended to date women younger than me. It just works out. Only dated one woman older than me and that was in my early 30s. She was five years older. People noticed she looked significantly older than me, but by then it wasn’t a problem.

One thing I learned as I grew older is not to let other people interfere with my relationships. Ignore outside opinions and influences.

If you love this guy and he treats you well, you can ignore this issue and eventually it won’t matter.

Or your can let opinions about a petty matter cause you to end a good thing.

What an interesting world we live in. We have women on this site rationalizing women staying in abusive relationships. So-called “feminists” agreeing with her. While you’re freaking out and people are encouraging you to leave a man who treats you well ... because he looks young.

But, staying with a mature looking man who beats your ass is fine because you might be “stressed”.

Be careful about heeding the advice you get here and elsewhere.

Always do what’s best for you.

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Old 29th December 2017, 7:09 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Violetstar View Post

But, My whole family and my friends won't accept it. They think that there's something wrong with me.
I have noticed his youth too. We don't match at all and he does look way way too young for me.
If you truly care for him and are getting what you want, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you're in it for the long haul, it's really not going to matter anywhere near as much when he is 25 and you are 30. My parents got together in their 20s with a 7 year age gap (my mother was older).

That being said, I'm curious as to what you mean above that you "don't match". Do you mean you two are completely different people (and thus incompatible)? Or that you just don't look like a match to others?
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:26 PM   #12
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If you love him and he really is the age he says he is, then ignore comments from others. The comments may stem from the fact he looks so young. Maybe your friends feel you are being deceived about his age. Can you tactfully look at his passport or something? I don't think you should automatically trust him to tell the truth on this one. There are loads of guys online who lie about their age because they want to meet an older woman. Best check you are not breaking the law.
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Old 1st January 2018, 11:33 PM   #13
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hello violet star,

hmmm...the first thing I have to say is that this is someone who has upped his game to be with you! he is young looking? so what...the real question I do you love him.

he is a kind person and treats you well and with respect enough to want to say "yes I got I t wrong I love you and I want to re-think my attitude to be with you".i think you have grossly underestimated this man.

he is a GIANT in my opinion!!!!!!

as for the paedophile comments!!!! come on...it isn't really a mature thing to even be joking about; sure people make these kind of comments all the time, but they are not appropriate for anyone to be making about anyone known to them or a stranger just because of an easy way to put a metaphor across. in context it's a big big sign of a person's immaturity and society's desperate need for a quick joke or label (that isn't intended in the first place) but is lamely used to dressed up dark humour or satire as quick wits or to attention seek for dominance in a social group. it's no more funny than rape or a fatal road accident or murder.... it should be about communicating true honest feelings not using other totally irrelevant and totally disrespectful areas to cover for hidden insecurities.

maybe you and those close around you need to at least re-think the language and labels thrown around so lightly in jest for this guy (even if it's just thought - it isn't right or fair to this guy).

you say he acted young, but in reality he is only just outta teens, (a mature teen to his credit); but if it's a numbers game then in all fairness you are not that far behind - however grown you feel above him.

as you do grow up in age numerically the gap won't seem so large or look so obvious visually. there are people out there much much older/younger and happy with their partners.

I'm afraid I feel it's rather shallow to judge someone on their looks alone, yes of course there needs to be chemistry there too, but if there is and you are still not comfortable then the issue is at your door really, not his; and you need to tell him how you feel and give him a chance to say what he thinks about this and to think about whether he still is comfortable with you anymore if you think this way still about him.

many people with big age gaps get together and are very happy, it's about how you deal with things. are you mature enough to live your life without having your friends and parents (and others) views dominate what you do and how you think? it's not a damning question, it's a real question for you to think about.

however, if you are uncomfortable with this guy and you are perhaps not that sure if you really LOVE him 100% then the honest and mature thing and the DECENT THING TO DO is to talk to him and if you're not happy let him go gently and treat him kindly.

This young man deserves more respect and kindness for sticking with you because I feel sure he must know what people (your so called friends and family) are saying about him - he's not stupid I'm sure.

my advice is give him a chance and let him be him, he has a right to be himself, but if you don't like that or are not strong enough to take him for the good person he clearly is, then do the right thing by him.

maybe it's time you showed him you have been a bit immature too and up your game. so you've been with older boys - so what...maybe they felt you were a bit immature and so wanted someone more their age or mentality.

love doesn't come in the way you dream of as a child, it is something that grows and develops and needs to evolve and be nurtured...if not it dies!!!!....maybe you shouldn't take this guy for granted if you love him...you only have to look over the loveshack or other countless websites to see the number of people who wish they were with a good person, or want love but can't find it, or those who regret letting someone kind and caring go because they were blind to another's qualities or were selfish or immature.

I'm giving you sheer honesty because I feel you are a strong character besides this situation and I believe you do have a good heart and are genuine in your asking for advice; but one thing about forums and love is that sometimes honest communications are called for, and sometimes you have to be constructive as well as sharp to drive the point home if it makes someone think a bit deeper about a subject. so I hope the constructive message hits home to you. its intended well, underneath the blunt points.

whatever happens if you stay with him or decide to go later on down the line...show him kindness and respect...because if you can't appreciate him there are plenty of good looking, fun, mature, secure, confident girls that will!!!

your situation requires honesty from your own heart, and kindness towards his (regardless of whether you stay together or how old he looks).

I know it doesn't sound like this but GOOD LUCK with this, I'm writing this in just the same way I would for anyone else. you are an adult and I'm writing to you as one. no frills no cotton wool, just what I think. the rest is up to you and your heart.

take care and be sure in what you decide, he sounds like a truly lovely guy with a good "but tender heart"...it doesn't deserve to be messed about or trampled on based on what others think or feel or joke about, so be kind and be honest with him and yourself. take care ....maxi
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:48 AM   #14
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Red face

Five years is not a bi age gap.

If your family is anything like mine, they are probably giving you siht partly because it's entertaining, and partly because they are concerned about his age because 20 year olds are not known for looking for commitment. Not because he looks young. They know his real age- obviously you are not a pedophile.

Imo youthfulness is largely illusion. Clothes, makeup, demeanor, and most importantly context are the primary clues people use to estimate others' age. If appearance is very important to you, I am sure you can easily dress him a little older or change your style to appear a little younger. In reality I would guess most strangers do NOT pick up on the age gap and assume you are similar in age just based on context.

As an example, I am in my mid-thirties (and imo look it). My partner (five years younger) has many younger siblings, so we often still get invited to parties where people are in their very early twenties (or younger). I make sure to dress the part and always manage to blend right in. In my experience no one scans your face for crows feet - the context provides most of the information people use. Forever 21 and h&m are my personal go-to's for dressing younger, though the most important thing is to smile and try to be comfortable.

My friends and family gave me a lot of grief when I first started dating my bf, too. Most were just messing with me, though I think my family had legitimate concerns about his maturity level. I liked him a lot so I didn't let it get to me. They all came around once they realized he wasn't going anywhere.

Last edited by lucy_in_disguise; 2nd January 2018 at 9:51 AM..
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