soulseek Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 I'll start by saying my boyfriend moved to live in the same city as me. We have been dating for 2 years now, and I have visited his family and friends 3 times during our relationship. One of his best friends is having a destination wedding next year, and my boyfriend was asked to be a groomsman. He agreed and paid the deposit a month ago for the 10 day vacation wedding. I was not invited, nor was anything said to me by my boyfriend about the situation. I feel awkward as it isn't my wedding or my place to say anything.. I casually brought it up to my boyfriend, and I think he tried to defend his friend by saying that no significant others are invited unless they are married (not sure if they said this to him or if he said it just to justify his friends actions.) I would never ask for an invite, or want to make any more waves regarding this. I am just wondering how other people would respond in this situation if you were me or my boyfriend... Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 News flash: Your man is planning to cheat. For those 10 days, he will be a single stud, and he is going to live it up. Then, he will come home to you. All that you are going to get out of this is the STD he picks up from the hookers... Seriously, the level of disrespect he is showing you is astronomical... if he does go and you don't, break things off with him before he leaves. Then find another BF to hang out with. One who shows you how much he values and loves you. Forget about this one the same way he has already forgotten about you. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 I'd expect for a bf going on a ten-day vacation to an exotic location (which includes a wedding) that even were I not invited to the wedding the bf would ask me to go along with him for the trip. Could find something else to do during the wedding time. My experience has been when a bf didn't invite me along on a pleasure trip, unless it was something the men were doing separately from SOs, like hunting, etc., he was planning to find other female companionship. Sorry to have to write this. However, just my experience! I agree with Poutrew in that I'd break it off before the trip if he plans to go by himself and find another bf. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Before panicking, verify for yourself whether the guest list has a good reason for being really tiny. It is rare but not unheard of to have a wedding that is in such a limited space that the usual plus-ones do not apply. So, first: is he telling the truth that no other SOs are being invited? How many people are going? How limited is the venue? Second: how far off is this wedding? If this is like a year from now, I think people saying 'He's definitely planning to cheat!' may be overreacting. Who plans to cheat a year in advance? However, if it's far in advance, it may also be a sign of him being unsure about your relationship. If he's not certain you'll still be together a year from now, he wouldn't want to book you for the trip... Have you guys actually talked about your future? He might feel like taking you to a wedding would put pressure on him to get married, too. Third: IS it possible for you go to along on the trip even if you are not at the wedding itself? And how does he feel about that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Having been on both sides of this (the one who went and the one who stayed behind), I don't see the big deal at all. A lot of weddings these days don't include invitations for plus ones. I didn't cheat on those occasions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 why is the assumption he'll cheat? unless you have reasons to doubt him i'd just be 'whatever.' it's natural to feel hurt you were not invited, but it's some other person's wedding and they dictate who can/can't come. i would vertify what i can - that it's truly a small wedding, that he really needs 10 days (that seems excessive), and etc. but i wouldn't be bothered. trust and independence are part of grown-up relationships and i'd deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulseek Posted October 22, 2017 Author Share Posted October 22, 2017 I just find it odd that he never had a conversation about it with me. He just avoided the whole thing about me not being invited, almost as if it didn't matter. I understand, as I wouldn't extend the invite out to people I didn't know, but at the same time, I believe I wouldn't want to exclude or take away the ability for someone to bring their long term s/o. When I asked about it, he was quite defensive and willing to protect his friend. I don't want a pitty invite, I think I am more upset because my boyfriend didn't seem bothered by me not being invited. I've had people say that they boyfriends would have declined if their s/o weren't invited. How bad would that look if I came to the resort and didn't attend the wedding.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It seems, at the least, awkward to me. To each his own as to how to handle it. For me, it would put the chills on the R and I wouldn't want to stay in it, but I get that it wouldn't bother some others. Seems you have to decide how you feel about it and deal with it according to your own relationship values. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Weddings bring out the worst in people. Destination weddings cause even more havoc sometimes. Because weddings are so expensive it's rare in modern times that folks get invited with a plus one unless they are married or engaged. So the couple's choice to not include you is understandable from an economic perspective. Your BF's handling of the situation is problematic. He should have been more sensitive to your feelings of exclusion. Also when going without a SO I would think he'd want it to be as short as possible. Fly down, do the rehearsal dinner, do the wedding come home -- a long weekend at best. I don't know why his presence is required for 10 days without you. That I would discuss with him. Perhaps as a compromise you can come down after the wedding to enjoy a vacation with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I'd expect for a bf going on a ten-day vacation to an exotic location (which includes a wedding) that even were I not invited to the wedding the bf would ask me to go along with him for the trip. Could find something else to do during the wedding time. Exactly. The wedding will be just a couple of hours or a day at most, maybre 2 days if you include a rehearsal and some planning. Even if you're not invited to the wedding there's no reason not to invite you for the holiday. What will he be doing for the other days, on his own, when the bride and groom go off for some privacy? he tried to defend his friend by saying that no significant others are invited unless they are married That might have been applicable in the 1950's but I don't think it holds water these days. Many couples stay unmarried. What if you'd been together 20 years and had 3 kids? You would still be uninvited because you weren't married?? No, I think this is a bogus reason for not inviting +1's. Sure I understand the expense of destination weddings but presumably the guests are buying their own flights and hotels, since you mention your BF paid his deposit. So the expense is not much more than a standard wedding at home. And yes I understand even weddings at home are expensive, and it's sometimes necessary to cut down the guest list due to finances. It's a bit annoying for a couple to invite someone's +1 who they've only been seeing a month and will never see again. But a groomsman not having his girlfriend of 2 years invited, seems like one SNIP too far to me. Better to invite his +1 and make the cuts elsewhere. I am just wondering how other people would respond in this situation if you were me or my boyfriend... If I were your boyfriend I would have told my friend, "I would really like my partner to come. Can you please bend the no +1's unless married rule for me, since I am a groomsman? If it's about money then I can chip in for her seat." If they still said no, I would say "OK, she will be coming with me to the destination for the rest of the holiday but I'll come to the actual wedding alone". Weddings bring out the worst in people. Destination weddings cause even more havoc sometimes. Yes very true! I think a destination wedding should only include the couple themselves, or maybe close family. Organising a large destination wedding is a logistical nightmare and leads to all sorts of financial problems and stresses, exactly like this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Are you sure your bf has made known to his friends the seriousness of your relationship? Is it possible you consider this relationship more seriously than your bf does? You said your boyfriend moved to your city to be closer to you. It's been 2 years now so do you have plans to move in together? The only reasons I can see is that he's unsure of your future so he's not making long term plans including you. I'd see this as a red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I'd see this as a red flag. What is the red flag? I'm not super bothered that the couple didn't invite her. I agree that the BF going on this vacation for 10 days without her is a problem. The DW is 3-4 days at most. What's he doing with the other 6-7 days & why can she come for that? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Sorry, I'm going to go against the majority here and say just let it go. I think the idea of only inviting married couples to a small wedding like this makes sense, because even if the other person just tags along, they are still basically going to be there all week for the whole thing. If things go badly between this new couple it can taint the whole wedding. You'll have lots of opportunities to go on future vacations if you stay with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 My bf gets invited to weddings back in his hometown every year, as far as I know none of them invite me and I’ve been with him over 5 years. I wouldn’t expect them to invite me, every seat costs money and my feelings shouldn’t override their budget is how I’ve always felt about. Having said all that, those invites are 2 or 3 day affairs. Anything more than that and bf is staying to visit family and friends. So for them to be over there 10 days and your bf doesn’t think you should be there for any of that time is bizarre to me. He’s gonna have a fabulous week hanging out with his friend and all their friends in a beautiful faraway land and doesn’t want you there? Why the hell not? I’d want to have that experience with the person I’m supposed to love. I’d be hurt and questioning if he’s serious about this relationship over this. Maybe not break up, but I’d start thinking this is a casual thing for him. It’s not right that he can’t acknowledge why you’d be hurt to not be invited , by his friend or by him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 What is the red flag? I'm not super bothered that the couple didn't invite her. I agree that the BF going on this vacation for 10 days without her is a problem. The DW is 3-4 days at most. What's he doing with the other 6-7 days & why can she come for that? Over here you invite people + 1, end of story. We don't care if we've ever met her or him. I don't really get this philosophy that because you're not married you're not coming but if it's common with you guys ok. Then what is he going to do 10 days on a beach with a bunch of couples? As I understand it he made a deposit on the trip so he's paying his way and expenses over there. Are those people super religious and don't want unmarried people sleeping in the same room around them? Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Over here you invite people + 1, end of story. We don't care if we've ever met her or him. I don't really get this philosophy that because you're not married you're not coming but if it's common with you guys ok. Then what is he going to do 10 days on a beach with a bunch of couples? As I understand it he made a deposit on the trip so he's paying his way and expenses over there. Are those people super religious and don't want unmarried people sleeping in the same room around them? Yeah it seems very weird. There are a lot if saying they've been to weddings where SO's aren't invited, but I've never heard of that, maybe it's not a Canadian thing. What I see here is a possible pattern. 2 years and you've met his friends and family three times? Is there a reason for so few? Do they live far away? Also, the defensiveness could be due to lying. It's possible non married SO's are invited and he's making it up to keep you from coming. If I were in a serious, two year relationship and my girl wasn't invited to a wedding because it would cost too much for the bride and groom, I would offer to pay the expenses for her to be there. Going on a vacation with a SO is an amazing thing! I don't think your guy takes your relationship seriously, sorry to say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I'll start by saying my boyfriend moved to live in the same city as me. We have been dating for 2 years now, and I have visited his family and friends 3 times during our relationship. One of his best friends is having a destination wedding next year, and my boyfriend was asked to be a groomsman. He agreed and paid the deposit a month ago for the 10 day vacation wedding. I was not invited, nor was anything said to me by my boyfriend about the situation. I feel awkward as it isn't my wedding or my place to say anything.. I casually brought it up to my boyfriend, and I think he tried to defend his friend by saying that no significant others are invited unless they are married (not sure if they said this to him or if he said it just to justify his friends actions.) I would never ask for an invite, or want to make any more waves regarding this. I am just wondering how other people would respond in this situation if you were me or my boyfriend... there are hundreds of reasons why they did not invite girlfriends. when you have your wedding you'll be able to invite whomever you want. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) The way I see it this issue has some but very little to do with the wedding invitation itself. For those defending choices of the wedding couple not to invite unmarrieds, that's not the point. Invite whomever you wish to your wedding. The issue is the ten-day vacay in an exotic location with others the bf is taking with the time not spent in the wedding ceremony and reception, and his (it's the decision HE's making, not the decision the wedding couple is making) not including gf from a two-year relationship. Right, it's his vacation, he can do as he chooses. Only if I had a two-year R with a guy who took a ten-day vacay with others and left me out (no, not saying I would need to be at the wedding ceremony itself) I wouldn't argue or discuss with him about it as I'd rather not accompany someone on a vacation if they didn't care enough to invite me in the first place and I had to talk them into including me. I'd just break the R off. I want to be in a R with someone who would want me by his side on a fun exotic extended vacation! Edited October 26, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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