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It Never Ends -- ''older'' man (over 40)

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Old 10th November 2017, 4:34 PM   #31
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WHOA!!!! Yes!! And, believe it or not, that occurred to me only within the last few days. Then my PRIDE started bugging me.

I have no one to blame but myself.

Yes, GREAT observation! It became close to a form of worship, even. That's a little bit higher than a pedestal. She became a little god. I'm still shaking myself out of this. It's been many years. Seems very wasteful.
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Old 12th November 2017, 12:18 PM   #32
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Therapists are probably no good for you. They wont understand but they will act like they do. I obsess myself over women and hate it because it can snowball your thinking entirely.
To paraphrase famed star Dickie Betts in a song: There is nothing youcan say and nothing you can do when you love someone and she doesnt love you!
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Old 13th November 2017, 1:44 PM   #33
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The Wisdom in Songs [??]

I generally do not like references to songs, old sayings, etc. But, Myword, when the song reflects what I have LIVED; what I FEEL, then the words are on target.

"There is nothing you can say and nothing you can do when you love someone and she doesnt love you."

Yes, if I say something, the reaction or reply might be negative. If I do something, like send her a gift, then she might label [in our FEAR-BASED society] me a stalker. Oy vey!! There is no win for me AT ALL.

I've been to TWO therapists. Neither of them were of any help. When it becomes obsession, I'm not so sure if anybody can help. I think mine moved from obsession to ADDICTION.

You build a world that exists only in your mind. I try to remind myself that, even in the most ideal situation, that SAME BEAUTIFUL FACE might, years later, be one that I CAN'T STAND.

It happened to me in my second marriage. She had done fashion modelling--very beautiful woman. After 6 years of her NAGGING, I didn't come home. Or, I'd come back in the wee hours of the morning, just so that I wouldn't have to see her pretty face. I would enter my basement from a side door, and sleep in the basement.

Yet, for men, IT NEVER ENDS. A friend of mine--very academically incluined; PhD in history, and Master's in some other stuff--told me that when I confessed, embarrassed, that, at my age, I was obsessed over a woman.

He smiled and said, "You're not alone. I know guys that are 90 years old, and they are WORSE than you are."

Hard to believe. What is it? Maybe nothing more than biology; the biological imperative to preserve oneself; to assure one's immortality (even if only symbolically) by passing your genes on to children, or just FEELING as if you are--subconscious.

Maybe it ain't that deep. You see someone. You fall in love. Case closed. No big explanation. It's the heart.
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Old 13th November 2017, 4:53 PM   #34
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Yes. You find her very attractive so you projected characteristics on her that she doesn't possess. Keep telling yourself that this is lust + idealism. Like everyone else, she has an unpleasant characteristics that will come out sooner or later. Usually with time and familiarity we can see these things clearer
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Old 29th November 2017, 1:43 PM   #35
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Yes, I have a friend of mine that says, "Oh, you just want to _ _ _ _ her." I insist that it's "deeper" than that. He just smiles.

Lust and idealism. I don't know. I don't like to think of it that way. I like her a WHOLE LOT, for a number of reasons. She certainly is the single-most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. As Cyrano de bergerac said about his cousin, Roxanne, whom he loved deeply, "In these eyes of mine, beyond compare."

But (and not that I'm some saint), I seriously don't think about sex when I think about her. I just wish I could BE with her, somehow.

I look at her pictures--eight of them, almost every day. Seems ridiculous, sometimes, at my age--as if I'm a teenager. I suffer the SAME THING as I did when I was a teenager: love sickness; can't think; can't get my work done; sitting around thinking of her, instead of my work. Stupid ****!!!

I swear, women are the most powerful beings in existence. Very disturbing.
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Old 29th November 2017, 7:16 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by ItNeverChanges View Post
I DID seek help. I went to a mental health expert. I PAID for it--three sessions. And it seemed to work for some months.

But what I didn't like is that she told me that it was her opinion that the young woman that I love was USING me. She claimed that, from what she could gather from the sessions she had with me, the young woman was "collecting trophies."

In short, she concluded that she was TOYING with me, and that nothing could come of it.

As regards my marriage, I disagree with your conclusion. That's a very, very common conclusion: If a man wants another woman, it's because he's having problems in his marriage. No, no, no. That does happen, yes. But it's not the only reason.

In human history, men have taken on more than one wife for a number of reasons--either openly or secretly. This much I do know. Sometimes it was to unite tribes, or families.

But, that kind of thing doesn't happen anymore, probably, too much. Especially in the U.S. But, does that mean that my feelings have to be based on some "problem" with my wife? I've been with my wife for...a couple of decades AND MORE. I mentioned the number in a previous note.

One might say, "Well, that still doesn't mean you don't have some deep problem inside of you about the marriage." True. But, for myself, I just don't buy it, that's all.

I will easily admit one thing, and I'm not alone on this. How many couples are able to keep, throughout their relationship, that special magical thing that happens in young love; when first getting married, and however many months or years it lasts after that. VERY, VERY FEW. But, they don't break up over it. Well, sometimes they do, but many do not.

I can admit, with ease, that, yes, I miss young love!! I miss the feelings, you know? I miss things. I suppose that's all normal.

Yet, despite that, I keep thinking that there MUST be something deeper with the young woman. I feel like we're made to be together, is what I'm saying. That's what I feel strongly. She apparently doesn't. I don't really know.

Thanks for your input. I will not discard your input. I will think about it more. But, at the moment, I disagree.
um, I've been married more than 20 years, and we still have that magical "thing". My parents were married for almost 50 before my mom passed away. They most certainly had that special "thing".

It is possible, and there are lots of people on here who will tell you the same thing.

The problem here isn't with society, it isn't with your wife, it isn't with this ow, it's all within you.
"“there’s no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religion… just decency.”-R.M.
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