Should I tell my Husband?

[Jodi the Vet]

I want to start by saying that I don’t keep secrets from my husband as a rule. We have a very honest and open marriage and I’ve never found anything to be off limits to discuss with him. I now find myself in a situation where I am really having doubts about the wisdom in telling him something.

 

To paint the picture for you accurately I have to go a little into the past. Our daughter was 16, she had a long term boyfriend, they were sexually active. I hated the idea of them doing it the back of a car or in some stranger’s house at a party like I had to do when I was that age. I convinced my husband to let them do it under our roof. He was dead against it but I guess I’m persuasive. We have rules about where, when, how etc and they have stuck to them.

 

She’s 18 now and she has confided in us that she is pregnant, this was 4 months ago after her first trimester scan. Her dad was devastated, I copped a lot of the blame, my fault because I allowed the sex etc, the relationship between him and her boyfriend was tense at best. She is about 7 months pregnant now and he has come around quite a lot, actually looking forward to a grandchild and even calling her boyfriend our future son-in-law. All in all, a bad situation has turned out not too bad.

 

I knew my daughter was struggling and I could tell it was more than just pregnancy hormones. I took her away for a weekend a few weeks ago and I have learned some shocking truths. First, her boyfriend might not be the father. Second, it’s because they have been have threesome sex with another guy. Third, her boyfriend has no idea because this other guy always wore a condom and never finished inside her. Fourth, she’s been seeing this other guy behind her boyfriends back and they have not been using condoms.

 

It was a lot to process. I’m working my way through it with her discussing various options depending on various outcomes. I know people will focus on her and what she’s done and believe me I can see it too but right now I’m not really looking to discuss about her, I’m asking about whether I should reveal all this to my husband.

 

I would love to tell him and be able to discuss all this with him but I can see it causing a lot more stress than solving. Obviously as soon as the baby is born we will get a paternity test and if her boyfriend is the father then what good would destroying my daughter in her father’s eyes achieve? On the other hand, if it turns out to be the other guy and she has to come clean then my husband will know I’ve been keeping secrets. Basically I’m weighing up between protecting my marriage vows and keeping my promise to my husband of no secrets and protecting my daughter from whatever fallout may come. I’m especially concerned about the stress on my daughter while pregnant.

 

This is not an easy decision but I fear maybe I am too close to this to see things objectively, hence why I am seeking internet counsel. Please if you must comment on my daughter don’t make it too harsh.

 

Thank You.

[Gloria25]

I don't believe in keeping secrets from my SO - especially a "husband". Also, when it comes to raising children, there's no such thing as keeping a "secret" from either parent.

 

I just posted in another thread about what information is necessary to communicate with your SO, but don't believe this applies to your situation...especially when parents of a child is the situation. Also, please note that in my other thread, the deciding factor on what I'm gonna tell a SO is whether or not the information is necessary in our RL...so, IMO, yes, it is necessary to tell my husband and father of our daughter about whatever's going on with her. I mean, for example, you're not gonna tell him about her having her period and cramps - but, if her period is causing her a medical condition that needs to be addressed - then yes, husband has to know.

 

Yes, IMO, you should tell your husband and if it were me, I'd beg for his forgiveness.

 

And, this is why I don't believe in all this "hand your kids a condom" thing cuz some people think that 'Oh, you can't stop your kids from sneaking around, so better you just hand them a condom and say "good luck"'. Yes, kids are gonna sneak - we all have done it, but just cuz they're gonna try doesn't mean we look the other way. Maybe if more rules were in place, this could've been avoided.

 

I had a neighbor who allowed their underaged daughter, in plain daylight to make out with her bf on their front porch. No way, could "I", as a parent be allowing some nasty, pimply boy who just wants to get his rocks off feel up my precious daughter...So, sorry, I couldn't keep this "secret" from my husband to allow my daughter to be exploited by little boys who just wanna get their rocks off...sorry. I'm not here to be "friends" with my kids. BTW, I don't have kids, but am involved with me nieces/nephews and had a role/influence in how they were raised.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Gloria25

[Redhead14]

I want to start by saying that I don’t keep secrets from my husband as a rule. We have a very honest and open marriage and I’ve never found anything to be off limits to discuss with him. I now find myself in a situation where I am really having doubts about the wisdom in telling him something.

 

To paint the picture for you accurately I have to go a little into the past. Our daughter was 16, she had a long term boyfriend, they were sexually active. I hated the idea of them doing it the back of a car or in some stranger’s house at a party like I had to do when I was that age. I convinced my husband to let them do it under our roof. He was dead against it but I guess I’m persuasive. We have rules about where, when, how etc and they have stuck to them.

 

She’s 18 now and she has confided in us that she is pregnant, this was 4 months ago after her first trimester scan. Her dad was devastated, I copped a lot of the blame, my fault because I allowed the sex etc, the relationship between him and her boyfriend was tense at best. She is about 7 months pregnant now and he has come around quite a lot, actually looking forward to a grandchild and even calling her boyfriend our future son-in-law. All in all, a bad situation has turned out not too bad.

 

I knew my daughter was struggling and I could tell it was more than just pregnancy hormones. I took her away for a weekend a few weeks ago and I have learned some shocking truths. First, her boyfriend might not be the father. Second, it’s because they have been have threesome sex with another guy. Third, her boyfriend has no idea because this other guy always wore a condom and never finished inside her. Fourth, she’s been seeing this other guy behind her boyfriends back and they have not been using condoms.

 

It was a lot to process. I’m working my way through it with her discussing various options depending on various outcomes. I know people will focus on her and what she’s done and believe me I can see it too but right now I’m not really looking to discuss about her, I’m asking about whether I should reveal all this to my husband.

 

I would love to tell him and be able to discuss all this with him but I can see it causing a lot more stress than solving. Obviously as soon as the baby is born we will get a paternity test and if her boyfriend is the father then what good would destroying my daughter in her father’s eyes achieve? On the other hand, if it turns out to be the other guy and she has to come clean then my husband will know I’ve been keeping secrets. Basically I’m weighing up between protecting my marriage vows and keeping my promise to my husband of no secrets and protecting my daughter from whatever fallout may come. I’m especially concerned about the stress on my daughter while pregnant.

 

This is not an easy decision but I fear maybe I am too close to this to see things objectively, hence why I am seeking internet counsel. Please if you must comment on my daughter don’t make it too harsh.

 

Thank You.

 

You need to tell your husband what you know. If all this comes to light for him from any other source and he finds out that you knew as well, you will destroy the open, honest relationship you two have. Transparency is key.

 

I’m especially concerned about the stress on my daughter while pregnant. -- When you talk with him, acknowledge that this information will make him angry disappointed, etc. and ask him to manage it in a way that does not cause undue stress. Remind him of her "delicate" state. He should be able to express these emotions without being abusive or out of control. If he can't do that, there's a problem anyway. She has a doctor and he/she will monitor the effects of any stress on her. Make sure the doctor knows what's going on as well.

 

You daughter is an adult now, even though the pregnancy happened before she was an adult. You daughter is an adult and needs to be treated as such too. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. Shielding her is doing her no favors. She needs to sit down with her father and talk to him. She needs to go to her father too.

 

She needs to start dealing with things in a more mature/responsible/adult way now. She's going to be a mother. Let her start right now.

Protecting adult children from the consequences of their actions, teaches them nothing for the future. "Suffering" consequences is what allows them to learn. She needs to be able to think about future behavior and be able to think out to the results and whether or not the risks are worth the fall out and thereby, hopefully, prevent her from doing irresponsible things in the future.

[mikeylo]

My son is 19 and I'm a guy.

 

Speak to your husband. He WILL be angry , so be prepared for that but you do need to take proper action and decide with a clear head what is right for your daughter.

 

You can't undo the past but you can let it affect you only for so long.

[Whitestar]

Basically, you are worried your husband will think his daughter a "slut" if he finds out.

 

I would say thats a reasonable fear. Her pregnancy should be the focus of everyone's attention right now though. After the baby is born - which will certainly be HER baby and thus HIS grandchild - the unpleasant facts of its conception can be openly discussed. Not before IMO

Edited January 8, 2017 by Whitestar

[Simple Logic]

I don't think I would be wanting to tell your husband that your daughter has been having 3 ways. Tell you husband the daughter was involved with someone else and she is concerned about who the father is.

[Giggle]

I'd agree with simple logic. The 3some part is irrelevant. but your daughter needs to know that you aren't going to keep a secret. I'd tell her that she needs to tell both her dad and boyfriend. And tell him that she has something she needs to talk to him about. Then your husband knows you know and that you consider it something he should know but want it to come from her.

[preraph]

She's 18. It's up to her to tell your dad and explain things. She thinks she's grown up enough to have a kid, she ought to be grown up enough to not rely on her mother to take the heat from Dad.

 

In my opinion, she doesn't need to share details but she might prepare the dad by telling him she is not certain who the father is and will have to get a DNA test. You can do this before birth, but it's safer afterwards. She certainly doesn't need to tell her dad how she was in a three-way. That kind of detail is really not appropriate to discuss with your parents! It's too personal and intimate.

 

You tell her she's a woman now and about to have a baby and that you are leaving it up to her to prepare her dad before the birth of the baby and whatever follows. And you let her take care of that baby too. She has made her choices.