Crazy about my neighbour, but she likes me "as a friend"

[slubberdegullion]

I'm a single (divorced), professional male, no kids, financially independent, and in a situation that I'd never thought would happen.

 

I live next door to a beautiful young woman, mid-30's, who's in the midst of an ugly divorce and custody battle over her 2 boys, 4 and 18 months. The kids and I get along very very well, and while mum is getting the 4 year old ready for school in the mornings, she brings over the toddler so I can look after him. Very often the toddler will fall asleep in my arms, sometimes it's for an hour, sometimes it's been as long as 2+ hours. This is good for him because he awakes in a refreshed, good mood, it's good for his mum because she can get stuff done without the toddler underfoot, and it's good for me because, well, I happen to really like the little fella.

 

Yesterday, I took both boys to get some baseball-style hats for the kids for summer, a pair of boots and something else, I forget what.

 

Point is, I've grown quite fond of the kids, and they like me too.

 

And I'm crazy about their mum.

 

I've even passed the "gramma" test - that is, her parents like me too, which is completely new. Apparently, all her other boyfriends and her ex-husband were never liked by her mom & dad. Actually, her folks couldn't stand the fellows. But they and I get along great, and I know they like me and trust me with their grandchildren (which they never did with the ex-hub).

 

She and I had a brief fling about a year ago but it didn't last long. The sex was great - I mean it was REALLY GREAT - but she decided, alas, that she wasn't interested in an erotic relationship because her life was "a mess" (her words, not mine) and she didn't have the time or energy to put into developing a relationship with a new man. I can somewhat see her point, actually, as the kids run her ragged and the emotional toll of the divorce/custody dispute is huge.

 

She likes me "as a friend" (gawd, I hate that!) and relies on me to take care of her kids, fix the occasional squeaky door in her house, stuff like that. But whenever I bring up the potential of her and I getting more involved, in a romantic/sexual sense, she shuts me down.

 

So, in short, I've been attentive, caring, trustworthy, when we were lovers she absolutely was putty in my hands (really!), her family likes me... but she's still convinced that having me in her life would be more trouble that she doesn't need, even though I'd be there more often to help her with the kids, the house, etc. This is not just about "getting in her pants" (they wouldn't fit anyway) but it's about trying to build something foundational that we can use to construct a deeper relationship.

 

I'm a big believer in the maxim that life rewards action. But if I try to push the issue, I feel that I run the risk of ruining any chance that she and I may have of hooking up again. But I feel that if I do nothing, then that too may ruin any potential relationship.

 

Any suggestions?

[agnf666]

I'm thinking that maybe if you wait until after the divorce. Maybe a month or two then try to see what you can do with it. Here's a thought !!! You could get her parents to maybe watch the kids and then make her a surprise dinner. That may lighten the mood. Tell her that she deserves this. It 's just my suggestion. If you do something romantic you may get the chance to take this to the next level. Good Luck Hope things work out!!!

[slubberdegullion]

Oh, I don't know if waiting for the divorce to come through is such a hot idea. It's already been a couple of years, and there may yet be a couple years to go. I don't know the ex-husband at all, but from what I'm told (biased, obviously) he majored in Stall Tactics in college. Either that, or his lawyer is dragging things out to inflate the bill.

 

Do any of the women here have a suggestion or two?

[agnf666]

There may be a reason that she is make the divorce process this long. Maybe she wants to get back wit the exhusband. In your case I hope not!!! Then I wouldn't wait I would do something special for her to make her see that you feelings for her. So, the romantic dinner might be a good idea or something along those lines. I think that she will be excited to see that you went to all that trouble for her.

[blue17]

Originally posted by agnf666

I think that she will be excited to see that you went to all that trouble for her.

 

I feel that if you make yourself too available, you might come across as desperate. You gotta be a bit of a challenge. Of course, you don't want to seem uninterested but I don't think it's good to make it like you're waiting forever for her. Remember, people want what they can't have...not what's given to them.

[westernxer]

Too bad you're already attached to the kids... makes it more difficult to break away. (I had a hot neighbor with two kids of her own, but I kept my distance even though we did exchange hellos from time to time. Just couldn't get myself to be "friendly" with her, even though I'm sure her kids were great. Single mothers just aren't my cup of tea.)

 

I don't like the way she refers to you as her friend. Watch out...

[moimeme]

Here's the deal. Men and women alike can refuse to be open to a relationship. They will keep you at arms' length when they have had trouble in past relationships. They fear getting involved again will just lead them to yet another broken heart and passle of troubles and heartache. So they slam the doors to their hearts shut tight.

 

She's weary and frazzled and worn out from the divorce and the kids. She knows that she can't afford another breakup - physically or emotionally, particularly when she has kids to worry about. So she's not going to allow herself to be vulnerable to you.

 

Can you change this? No. Eventually it will change - when she feels strong and on top of her life again rather than being dragged behind it. So you have two choices; bide your time (which, yes, might take a couple years) and wait for her to recover. Or bail and find someone else.

 

There is *nothing* wrong with being a friend. Many marriages result from friendships that deepen. However, both parties have to be open to that possibility and right now, she's not - not because you are in the mythical 'friend zone' but because she's just not up to it.

[slubberdegullion]

Turns out that she's starting to get involved with another fella. This is new as of just a few days ago, after telling me that she's "not ready for a relationship."

 

So now I feel that she's just taken advantage of me & the fact that I've grown attached to the kidz.

 

Being in the "friend zone" really sucks.

[westernxer]

I KNEW IT! And here you were saying how she was just going through a difficult period. Time to make a clean break, wouldn't you say?

 

I feel sorry for the kids, but you've got to save face. Right now it looks like a doormat.

[SexKitten]

if she's in the middle of a messy divorce, and a custody battle, she probably doesn't know what she wants in regard to anything.

 

as for the "other fella" he just got there first. it may last, it may not.

you'll just have to wait and see.

 

let him be the one who finds out it was too soon after her separation to get involved, and come to you when she's ready for something real...if it's with you.