Can a relationship survive an abortion?

[jncapital1]

I'm sorry if this isn't the appropriate forum and hopefully won't offend anyone.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for eight months. She is 22 and I am 34. Our relationship was incredibly strong for the first 6 1/2 months and we were discussing eventually moving in together and making plans for the future. We started having some issues about a month and half ago due to stress created by her new, busy schedule.

 

We were adjusting to our new reality or trying to when she discovered she was pregnant, two weeks ago. I was completely supportive and we were in complete agreement that getting an abortion was the best decision for her and for us. Since then I have tried my best to be supportive, caring and to do anything to help her through the process. the problem is our relationship wasn't as strong when this happened as it was awhile ago so she has not let me help as much as I'd like.

 

Since the discovery she has had mood swings, understandably, but overall she communicated well with me and we spent a lot of time together. She has said some very sweet things to me and also said some meaner things to me. However yesterday she told me that the fact that this has happened has changed her opinion of me. She says she remembers that she loved me but doesn't feel that way now or know exactly how she feels.

 

She is getting the procedure in the morning. Her best friend is taking her. She has said she knows that i want to be there but she is more comfortable with her friend. I get that completely.

 

I am concerned about the future. She said she hasn't given up on us but she also told me she can't promise things will return to the way they were. I want to be in a relationship with her and know this is an emotional time.

 

Anyone have advice on how to get through this with the best chance of saving our relationship?

[elaine567]

However yesterday she told me that the fact that this has happened has changed her opinion of me. She says she remembers that she loved me but doesn't feel that way now or know exactly how she feels.

 

Anyone have advice on how to get through this with the best chance of saving our relationship?

 

If this has changed her opinion of you, my guess is that at 34 she expected more of you, expected you to take the lead ie lets keep this baby and get married and live happily ever after, perhaps...

Or she was half way out when you were having "issues" and then she got pregnant and now she is on her way out again, but she is letting you down gently due to the circumstances.

 

I guess you do not have enough of a bond at 8 months dating to carry you through this traumatic event. You were just out of the honeymoon phase and were struggling before she got pregnant so that doesn't really bode well for a successful outcome.

I don''t think there is any strategy that is guaranteed to work here to save your relationship. You could be very supportive and she will love/hate you for it, you could leave her alone and wait for her to come to you and she will love/hate you for it. It is just so difficult to gauge her reaction as every women will be different.

I think you just have to play it by ear and hope for the best.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Yes, a relationship can survive an abortion,

Just as performers can survive serious contortion.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Out of curiosity, what mean things has she said to you? Are they an insight into her feelings about the relationship?

[preraph]

Being both agreed on it, you can certainly survive the abortion, but remember it was other issues before she got pregnant that you had not resolved. That is what needs to be resolved.

[Satu]

A relationship can survive an abortion, but it can't survive unchanged.

 

 

Take care

Edited September 27, 2016 by Satu

[jncapital1]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. It is actually happening as I write this and I feel so helpless. I have told her every single day that I love her and am here for her. I've offered to be there and she has insisted on doing it with out me. Up until last Friday, she was still saying very positive things and even said she loved me, Sunday night we spent some good time together and then Monday she decided everything had changed.

 

Yesterday she said she felt terrible that this has changed her opinion of me, that she thought our relationship "was" great but could not promise that it would ever be the same. I completely understand where she is coming from and just have to let it play out.

 

I plan to give her space, to be available if she needs me and to let her figure it out on her own terms. I am prepared to be very patient because I want this relationship. I've read a lot and it all says that this is an emotional, confusing time for her so I'm hoping that after some time has passed, she will begin to slowly return to positive thoughts about us.

 

I am preparing for the worst but hoping somehow we get through this and return to building a great relationship.

[piano1962]

I am sorry that the abortion had to happen and this is definitely a very emotional time for the two of you; although I think it's more traumatic for her than for you. Relationship goes through ups and downs and true love will survive the "downs". This is a test of your love for each other. Only time can tell. Hope things will work out!

[aileD]

How did you meet her? How did your relationship start?

 

She's 22, that's still so young to be dealing with something like this in a relationship that short.

 

I agree with the above who said at 34 she probably expected you to take the lead and be the grown up, whatever that is in her eyes.

 

I'm not sure this relationship will survive. She's now associates you with probably the most painful thing in her life up until now and maybe forever. If she stays with you, you get married, have kids. She will always think about this baby.

 

She will probably always think about it anyway.

 

Your actions are good, just be there for her. But don't push anything. Good luck

[Patrice]

and a commitment to you.

[jncapital1]

The good news is that the procedure went fine and she is resting now. We were texting all morning as she went through process and then afterwards. I have checked in on her a few times and asked if she needed anything and will continue to do so.

 

My priority was helping her through this in any way possible. I don't know what will happen to us now. I'm not going to push that right now. I'm going to give her space, time to process what has happened and let her take the lead on communication for awhile. She knows I love her because I tell her frequently and while I will continue to do so, I want to let her get through this without worrying about us.

 

I don't know what will happen to us. She said this changed her view on me. I just hope she gives us a chance and doesn't break up with me. My plan is to go slow, give her space, be here for her, try to create no pressure and see if we can get back to the wonderful place we were in the summer.

 

Thank you for all the advice and wonderful comments.

[GemmaUK]

Please know that the procedure was one thing what is to follow is another entirely!

 

I have friends who have gone through this and the after effects last months/years in the saddest way - turned me to tears on many occasions.

 

This isn't over OP, this is only just the beginning.

[road]

Many women do not come back from having an abortion while many do. What will happen to your relationship is just another roll of the dice.

 

 

Now being on infidelity forums may have made me paranoid.

 

 

Though when a relationship goes bad on the GF's end, and then shortly she is pregnant screams she cheated and the kid is not yours. She is afraid that the child may not look anything like you and you will find out that the child is not yours.

 

 

She wants the child in her womb life ended because she does not want to be a single parent, the OM/sperm donor is not husband dad provider material, does not want anything to do with her after he got to use her.

Edited September 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed insensitive remark

[elaine567]

As Gemma says this is likely not over.

 

The following is a list of potential emotional and psychological risks of having an abortion. The intensity or duration of these effects will vary from one person to another.

Potential side effects include:

 

• Regret
  
• Anger
  
• Guilt
  
• Shame
  
• Sense of loneliness or isolation
  
• Loss of self confidence
  
• Insomnia or nightmares
  
• Relationship issues
  
• Suicidal thoughts and feelings
  
• Eating disorders
  
• Depression
  
• Anxiety

 

Women with a higher probability of having a negative emotional or psychological side effect include:

• Individuals with previous emotional or psychological concerns
  
• Individuals who have been coerced, forced or persuaded to get an abortion
  
• Individuals with religious beliefs that conflict with abortion
  
• Individuals with moral or ethical views that conflict with abortion
  
• Individuals who obtain an abortion in the later stages of pregnancy
  
• Individuals without support from significant others or their partner
  
• Women obtaining an abortion for genetic or fetal abnormalities
  

[Whoknew30]

In my experience only one relationship I know survived a abortion...& that was a married couple that had to choose for the wife's health. All the other one's failed miserably.

 

Personally, I thought I was pregnant during a real bad time in my life (health wise) my H & I discussed abortion before I went to the DR, I could have never survived a pregnancy. He was really tore up about it bc he loves me & it would have been "our" baby...turned out I wasn't but if I hadn't seen him react that way, I think I couldn't have stayed with him. I needed him to be just as upset as I was & he was...made me feel loved.

 

I don't know how you reacted during the conversation but later on that will play in her head. Always remember, a man should never agree it's a good idea. A guy should sit back & just put it on her & let her know you love her & it's her choice for her life & that no matter what she decides, you'll be there. It's the safest way...good luck to you

[elaine567]

Always remember, a man should never agree it's a good idea. A guy should sit back & just put it on her & let her know you love her & it's her choice for her life & that no matter what she decides, you'll be there. It's the safest way...good luck to you

 

Yes, that is a good point, and maybe that is where the OP perhaps went wrong, and why her opinion of the OP has changed and not for the good

"WE were in complete agreement" maybe means HE expressed no desire to keep the baby, so she felt she had no other option but to agree to an abortion, or she put some feelers out "I think I should get an abortion" and the OP maybe too enthusiastically agreed, but that was NOT the answer she wanted to hear, she wanted him to convince her he was all on board with her having the baby.

With no obvious support from him, she then agreed that aborting was the right thing to do.

[Whoknew30]

Yes, that is a good point, and maybe that is where the OP perhaps went wrong, and why her opinion of the OP has changed and not for the good

"WE were in complete agreement" maybe means HE expressed no desire to keep the baby, so she felt she had no other option but to agree to an abortion, or she put some feelers out "I think I should get an abortion" and the OP maybe too enthusiastically agreed, but that was NOT the answer she wanted to hear, she wanted him to convince her he was all on board with her having the baby.

With no obvious support from him, she then agreed that aborting was the right thing to do.

 

Exactly...as a woman I couldn't continue with a man that was "relieved" I was a getting an abortion...no matter what the situation. I just couldn't love him after that...but that's just me, everyone is different.