Snooping on your Significant Other

[Shining One]

< moderator note: the first ten posts in this thread were moved from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/588825-should-i-wait-ring-leave-8.html#post7025195 >

 

 

I specifically said OP did not snoop for 3 years. She did so when too many things didn't add up. Now you come on here and interpret it as I justify spying on a BF or GF all the time. C'mon!

Is the criteria for "okay to snoop" the time frame, things not adding up, or both?

 

It's easy for anyone to justify X behavior for their situation. I've been guilty of it myself in the past (not snooping specifically). I've also had a woman attempt to snoop on me when I was working long hours due to an increased workload. She justified her attempted snooping because of my long hours spent in the office and the sudden increase of late night texts/emails (all of which were work related).

Edited August 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Toodaloo]

Is the criteria for "okay to snoop" the time frame, things not adding up, or both?

 

It's easy for anyone to justify X behavior for their situation. I've been guilty of it myself in the past (not snooping specifically). I've also had a woman attempt to snoop on me when I was working long hours due to an increased workload. She justified her attempted snooping because of my long hours spent in the office and the sudden increase of late night texts/emails (all of which were work related).

 

And there are plenty of men who use "work" as an excuse...

 

So you have someone who thought you were cheating and you proved you were not. Whats the problem here?

 

OP is in a bit of a rut. her partner is not really making an effort and is likely to ditch her with in the next 6 months (personal prediction, always hope I am wrong), he is distant and showing all the signs of being a cheat. Do you think she should just sit there and take it because once upon a time a completely different man was working late for a while?

 

I think you are being very unfair to OP in what you have been saying here.

[No_Go]

I highly doubt it he'll ditch her just after buying a HOUSE with her;)

 

She's nervous and he's uncommunicative, but I really can't understand where you're reading signs that he'll leave her:

1) he bought a house TOGETHER with her

2) he got a puppy for BOTH of them

3) they are living together for 2.5 years

 

It will take him a HUGE effort to leave even if he wanted to. I very highly doubt that he'll cause himself this discomfort even if we're maximally cynical and say he's out of love with her. Men are more practical and all the practical elements here scream commitment, not break up.

 

 

And there are plenty of men who use "work" as an excuse...

 

So you have someone who thought you were cheating and you proved you were not. Whats the problem here?

 

OP is in a bit of a rut. her partner is not really making an effort and is likely to ditch her with in the next 6 months (personal prediction, always hope I am wrong), he is distant and showing all the signs of being a cheat. Do you think she should just sit there and take it because once upon a time a completely different man was working late for a while?

 

I think you are being very unfair to OP in what you have been saying here.

[Shining One]

And there are plenty of men who use "work" as an excuse...

 

So you have someone who thought you were cheating and you proved you were not. Whats the problem here?

The issue I have is with the justification of bad behavior (in this case, snooping).

OP is in a bit of a rut. her partner is not really making an effort and is likely to ditch her with in the next 6 months (personal prediction, always hope I am wrong), he is distant and showing all the signs of being a cheat. Do you think she should just sit there and take it because once upon a time a completely different man was working late for a while?

No, I don't think she should sit there and take it. She should have confronted him about his strange behavior or started taking steps to exit the relationship.

I think you are being very unfair to OP in what you have been saying here.

My posts were directed at Gaeta, not the OP.

[Gaeta]

She should have confronted him about his strange behavior or started taking steps to exit the relationship..

 

I believe she has done that already, more than once. I don't know many men that will come forward during one of those 'confrontation' and say: yes I am thinking of cheating.

[Shining One]

Where is the line drawn between okay to snoop / not okay to snoop?

[Gaeta]

Where is the line drawn between okay to snoop / not okay to snoop?

 

We all have different 'lines'.

 

When my ex emptied his pocket on my home office desk and I went through his receipts as I am suppose to do (responsible of his company accounting) and found a dating website logging ID and password. Yes I felt it was in my best interest to verify why he was on dating sites 4 years in our relationships.

 

You mean if something falls on your lap like dating sites logging ID you will give them back to your girlfriend and 'I think that's yours honey'......let me doubt it.

[Shining One]

We all have different 'lines'.

 

When my ex emptied his pocket on my home office desk and I went through his receipts as I am suppose to do (responsible of his company accounting) and found a dating website logging ID and password. Yes I felt it was in my best interest to verify why he was on dating sites 4 years in our relationships.

 

You mean if something falls on your lap like dating sites logging ID you will give them back to your girlfriend and 'I think that's yours honey'......let me doubt it.

There's a huge difference between getting evidence dropped in your lap and deliberately bypassing security on your significant other's personal device because something "feels off".

[h0000]

There's a huge difference between getting evidence dropped in your lap and deliberately bypassing security on your significant other's personal device because something "feels off".

 

I think you are emphasising on the wrong point. This thread is not to discuss wether snooping is right or wrong. Besides I'm sure OP has apologised more than enough to her BF already

[Shining One]

I think you are emphasising on the wrong point. This thread is not to discuss wether snooping is right or wrong. Besides I'm sure OP has apologised more than enough to her BF already

Fair enough. I'll move the discussion to a new thread.

 

 

< moderator note: end of moved posts >

Edited August 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shining One]

And she did not snoop for 3 years. She snooped because too many things felt wrong. Women need to look out for themselves. I figured out my ex was a serial cheater by snooping. My snooping was justified. Women have to stop being dummies in the name of 'trust'.

I do not see anything wrong in a suspicious partner snooping. Too much is made of trust in relationships and the myth that if you love them then you need to trust them implicitly.

There is trust and there is blind and foolish trust.

If you ignore the signs because you "love" them and because people in love trust each other completely, then you are going to get sadly disappointed, when that trust is betrayed.

If your gut is screaming that something is wrong, listen to it, do not put your fingers in your ears and go lalalalala...

This is going to sound horrible, but I looked into their emails to each other when I had the chance, just to see if I was missing something that I feel I have the right to know. Upon reading the email sent this morning, it actually wasn't a big a deal as I thought. It wasn't flirty, though it's strange about the erasing and re-writing. In fact, they rarely email each other. And when she sends him some attachments, she doesn't even write a message with the email at all.

I accessed his email directly from his computer. He went upstairs to take a shower and I jumped on the computer and opened Outlook right up. He had left the tab open.

There are at least a few people here who believe snooping is okay under various circumstances. The trend seems to be that if something "feels off", snooping is justified. I've been tempted to do so myself in the past, but I could never bring myself to do it. I view snooping as a trust violation and I don't believe in "the ends justify the means".

 

What do you all think about snooping? For the sake of this discussion, let's define snooping as deliberately going out of your way to access information, such as accessing a phone when someone is sleeping or bypassing security. If your significant other leaves himself/herself logged in on a dating site with the page up in clear view, that is not snooping. To the pro-snooping crowd, under what criteria would you approve of your partner snooping on you? Do you have a double-standard on snooping (my snooping is okay, but his/her snooping is not)?

[JewelD]

Nobody wants to be snooped on whether they're doing something shady or not.

 

I think once you've gotten to the point of wanting to snoop, you already suspect/know something is going on but you don't trust yourself and you don't want to ask your partner bc you believe they will lie to you. So at this point, the relationship is already in tatters. I believe in a healthy relationship, you won't feel the need to do things like that because your partner is not going to be a jerk and hide things from you.

 

But most people are too in love or infatuated with the person to leave without proof. Sometimes they find it and still don't leave. But if you snoop and find something, it should teach you next time to just trust yourself and not waste your time and effort.

 

I used to snoop on my ex all the time and I ALWAYS found exactly what I thought would be there. So my gut was always right. Now, I don't have time for the extra bs. If it feels like a lie to me, then it's a lie. If I think my partner is seeing other women, that's probably what's going on. Their behavior/actions have led me to believe they are a person who would likely be dishonest with me.

 

But that doesn't work with people who are really insecure. If you're the type of person to just be overly possessive and think your partner cheating on you or lying to you is inevitable, then you don't need to be in a relationship at all, because you wouldn't even believe an honest partner if you found one.

[No_Go]

Accessing someone's phone/email is just never ok. Or ok, maybe is fine only if there are violent or suicide threats. But just because he / she acts 'weird' - heck no.

 

What would one achieve? If nothing is there - trust is violated, plus suspicions remain (the snooper would just think their partner is overly secretive ). If there is something - it is too late. Best case scenario - it can be the reason for breakup. But if you distrust the person to the point you need to snoop - that's sufficient reason to break up, you don't need more. Maybe snooping is to get closure? That's the only thing that mildly makes sense...

 

However, I'm all for background checks etc. Just dead set against violating privacy by accessing personal devices.

 

There are at least a few people here who believe snooping is okay under various circumstances. The trend seems to be that if something "feels off", snooping is justified. I've been tempted to do so myself in the past, but I could never bring myself to do it. I view snooping as a trust violation and I don't believe in "the ends justify the means".

 

What do you all think about snooping? For the sake of this discussion, let's define snooping as deliberately going out of your way to access information, such as accessing a phone when someone is sleeping or bypassing security. If your significant other leaves himself/herself logged in on a dating site with the page up in clear view, that is not snooping. To the pro-snooping crowd, under what criteria would you approve of your partner snooping on you? Do you have a double-standard on snooping (my snooping is okay, but his/her snooping is not)?

[SammySammy]

I have to agree with them.

 

People have a right to privacy, but I have a right to self-preservation. I'm going to do what's necessary to protect myself. Especially from someone I suspect of being dishonest or untrustworthy.

[Gloria25]

If you have to snoop, the RL is over. Cuz either the person's suspicious actions warranted some snooping or you're irrationally insecure.

 

Gotta love it when the caught perp throws it back on you. They're like, 'ok, I cheated, but you snooping is worse...you're crazy'. So, it's not worse to be on the phone with your SO lying about working late and the person you're cheating with is sitting right there as you lie to your SO. It's also not worse t o call your SO paranoid, crazy, etc when all they want is the truth.

 

So, I believe if they're shady, it implies consent to snoop..

But, still, it means that the RL is over.

[SammySammy]

If you have to snoop, the RL is over. Cuz either the person's suspicious actions warranted some snooping or you're irrationally insecure.

 

Gotta love it when the caught perp throws it back on you. They're like, 'ok, I cheated, but you snooping is worse...you're crazy'. So, it's not worse to be on the phone with your SO lying about working late and the person you're cheating with is sitting right there as you lie to your SO. It's also not worse t o call your SO paranoid, crazy, etc when all they want is the truth.

 

So, I believe if they're shady, it implies consent to snoop..

But, still, it means that the RL is over.

 

I can agree with this too.

 

I believe relationships require mutual love, trust, respect and acceptance. If you don't trust each other, then you don't really have a relationship. If you don't respect each other, then you don't really have a relationship.

[Shining One]

So, I believe if they're shady, it implies consent to snoop.

Who gets to define "shady"? For example, I lock my computer every time I step away from it. I don't allow my girlfriend to use my gaming computer or my work laptop. Are these behaviors considered shady?

[Gloria25]

I have to agree with them.

 

People have a right to privacy, but I have a right to self-preservation. I'm going to do what's necessary to protect myself. Especially from someone I suspect of being dishonest or untrustworthy.

 

Well, they have no right to conceal info about them that you have a right to know.

 

Like, if someone else is in the picture, you have a right to know so you can move on. You're not their property and/or they can decide for you if you wanna be in some love triangle.

 

The flipping nerve of some people.

[Gloria25]

Who gets to define "shady"? For example, I lock my computer every time I step away from it. I don't allow my girlfriend to use my gaming computer or my work laptop. Are these behaviors considered shady?

 

Let's say you're on it, and as she walks by, you close it....shady.

 

Let's say you have Microsoft Office and she wants to borrow it and you're like 'no'...especially if she's a responsible person...shady.

[Shining One]

People have a right to privacy, but I have a right to self-preservation. I'm going to do what's necessary to protect myself. Especially from someone I suspect of being dishonest or untrustworthy.

Where does this "right" draw the line? I have extensive technical knowledge and I'm confident I can get access to all of my girlfriend's accounts and devices. If I did this in the name of "protecting myself", I highly doubt she would approve. Where would you want your girlfriend to draw the line with you?

[Gloria25]

Where does this "right" draw the line? I have extensive technical knowledge and I'm confident I can get access to all of my girlfriend's accounts and devices. If I did this in the name of "protecting myself", I highly doubt she would approve. Where would you want your girlfriend to draw the line with you?

 

The line would be my word.

 

I don't give people who I'm dating reasons to be suspicious that I'm cheating. So, if they feel that they gotta snoop - especially if they flat out and candidly expressed concerns (which means that they don't trust my word), they can get bent.

 

Going through something similar now with relatives. A slap in the face to question my intentions and honesty when I've done so much for their selfish arses. But that's fine, they know my character, but will say anything to manipulate me into giving them more crap. F-them. But it still makes me sad that I was/am being accused of crap.

 

Gosh, reminds me of when their mother died. No one in the family stepped up to handle her affairs. I just joined the military and didn't have much. I had to borrow money for my plane ticket. Well, my dad got my little brother to call my Commander and claim I stole money that my sister left behind...mind you, she barely had $2K, and out of it I paid for her funeral, debts owed, sent money to dad, and wanted to use the rest to bring them back to the US. But yes, no matter how my character never would allow anyone to think bad of me, they claimed that I couldn't be trusted.

 

So, who can't trust my word can get in line with all the stts that I don't give a flying F about.

[SammySammy]

Where does this "right" draw the line? I have extensive technical knowledge and I'm confident I can get access to all of my girlfriend's accounts and devices. If I did this in the name of "protecting myself", I highly doubt she would approve. Where would you want your girlfriend to draw the line with you?

 

Let be clear, there are consequences for invading someone's privacy whether you're right or wrong.

 

If I'm going to do that, I need to have a very good reason for doing so. More than just a hunch. Like ... nearly certain something is going on and I just need proof. Because once you cross that line, there's a price to pay.

 

At that point, I feel it's worth the risk when my personal safety and well-being is a stake.

[Shining One]

I don't give people who I'm dating reasons to be suspicious that I'm cheating.

This is flawed reasoning. Person A's normal behavior can be Person B's suspicious behavior. After all, according to you, not allowing a girlfriend to use my gaming computer is suspicious.

[Shining One]

Let be clear, there are consequences for invading someone's privacy whether you're right or wrong.

 

If I'm going to do that, I need to have a very good reason for doing so. More than just a hunch. Like ... nearly certain something is going on and I just need proof. Because once you cross that line, there's a price to pay.

 

At that point, I feel it's worth the risk when my personal safety and well-being is a stake.

Interesting. You seem to have a higher threshold before snooping than the examples I posted. Can you provide a hypothetical example of when you would snoop?

[blackcat777]

Self-harming behavior is legitimate grounds for snooping, IMHO, especially if you're married and supposed to be working as a team. Suicide would require stepping in. Addiction would require seriously reassessing your own self and the relationship.

 

You deserve to know if someone is cheating and you're together - but I do feel like if a snoop comes up empty, there are some other MAJOR problems in the relationship that need to be addressed ASAP if communication has devolved to that point.

 

People who snoop because they're wildly insecure are bad news, too...

Edited August 24, 2016 by blackcat777