How do you put your foot down with out criticizing / judging?

[luvsux69]

Many say that love is when you don't criticize or judge your partner, negative energy is unhealthy for the relationship.... so how do you put your foot down without judging and criticizing your partner?

[carhill]

I learned, in MC, to put teeth into a phrase I first had to level at myself for my part in our marital strife, the phrase being 'that's unacceptable'.

 

Since then, I've used it a lot and, where possible, walk away. If threatened, well, I'm armed. There's a lot of opportunists and criminals in the world, yeah, including under the guise of relationships.

 

So, defining and communicating boundaries isn't criticizing or judging, rather outlining what one will and won't accept. All free associations are voluntary so if the boundaries are unacceptable, OK, fine, see ya.

[dichotomy]

Depends on what your pointing out -

 

Its if its towards you and realy impacting you or the relationship then you need to call it out as such - usually friendly at first "hey this is disrespectful or hurtful to me and or our relationship could you stop ?" or more directly establish boundaries " I find this disrespectful and hurtful and if you do it again, I will have to step away or I will do XXX ". Establish boundaries is a healthy way to avoid power issues. An example "i hate it when your late for dinner after I have cooked for you and the kids - why are you always late ? you better be there next time!" is changed to "I feel unappreciated and respected when you constantly show up late for dinner - if your late again we will eat without you, and you can find left overs in the fridge"

 

If its something the partner is doing which is generally unhealthy or hurtful to themselves or others - then I feel talking to them like you would a BF or even a kids is - is helpful. "Hey, I love you but what your doing is really dumb, and hurting yourself - come on - your a great person and as your friend you need to stop this - you know I will be there for you but you got to stop or get help". Then the boundaries come in.

[understand50]

You point out the action, not the person.

 

"You are lazy for not doing the dishes on your turn" Vs "We both agreed to split the dishes, can you do your part"

 

Simple example, but here is another. "You did a stupid thing" not "You are stupid for doing that"

 

It is all how you look at it. Here is a link that may help:

 

How to Communicate With Your Spouse | The Art of Manliness

 

I wish you luck....

[Emilia]

By pointing out how something affects me. I try not to have the 'you this, you that' pointing and cross boundaries, instead explain what it is that it does to me.

 

Best advice is to raise things early while you can nip it in the bud.

[Liam1]

Many say that love is when you don't criticize or judge your partner, negative energy is unhealthy for the relationship.... so how do you put your foot down without judging and criticizing your partner?

 

The way to point out an issue to someone is to describe the negative behavior. That is not criticizing or judging.

 

Judging would be to criticize the person rather than the behavior.

 

I also do not think that issuing ultimatums is healthy.

 

When a person issues an ultimatum it typically entrenches the other person defiantly in the negative behavior.

 

Also if you follow through on an ultimatum, you may not be able to take it back.

 

For example I had a friend who kept telling her husband she would divorce him if he did not stop doing A B or C.

 

He did not stop and so she filed for divorce

 

She now regrets it and wants to cancel the divorce but the fact that she even considered divorce has irked her husband so much that he is following through on her plan to divorce.

 

If you issue an ultimatum, you have to mean it and be willing to follow through without regret.