Why do some women feel like they have to compete with other women?

May 13, 2016

Is it just me, or are there some women who feel a need to run other women down in order to build themselves up?

There are plenty of confident , self-assured women who I've met in my life who seem to build their sense of self-esteem and worth by building others up. One of my good friends is like that, and being a a very shy and introverted person who is not overly confident, I really appreciate that trait in her.

I get the sense that she is very secure in who she is and that allows her to help others to feel that way as well. I've never seen her feel like he has to compete with anyone in order to keep her self esteem intact. If anything, it is her deep sense of confidence and comfort in her own skin that she allows her to be the way she is.

She is also someone who is not that physically attractive, at least by conventional standards. She is the first one to say this about herself. Those being said, she is someone who ha never lacked male attention. I think that's because they are attracted to her personality and kind nature. I've never really seen her flirting pe se, but she does show a genuine interest in what men who are talking to her have to say.

I wish I was like her, but I'm not. I'm glad I can count her as my friend.

I've come across other women who really don't seem to like other women very much at all. They are in a constant state of competition with them, and have egos which, on the surface are as big as all outdoors. They feel that treating others well only applies to how people treat them, not how they treat other women.

I've seen women like this who overtly flirt with men, but it always seems forced, as if they are doing something they don't really enjoy. They also do this more if they think the guy is already in a relationship. It's almost as if they get both an ego boost form it, as well as an opportunity to get a swipe at another woman from doing so.

May 13, 2016

You know I hear a lot about these women who put other women down and feel the need to compete all the time but I've never actually come across one in real life. My friends and I are the 'build each other up' kind, I wouldn't be in their lives if they were nasty and like the women you describe. We always tell each other how proud we are of each other, compliment appearance, stand by their side etc. even when it comes to other women we don't know, the only time we'll speak badly of someone is if they have behaved appallingly, such as having purposefully hurt someone we care about or whatever.

I can't help but feel that the women who state other girls don't like them because they feel intimidated are usually so insecure they've made that up in their own minds. I just haven't come across the women you speak of, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Strong female friendship is so important in this world and to me and my best girl friends.

Edited August 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 13, 2016

I don't tend to associate with many women who act like this. It is best left in high school with the other immature insecurities. I don't tend to deal with this in my real life and don't tend to have close ties to women who use their sexuality as competition/advantage. Just not my thing.

I will say I see it far more online and I tend to think the phrase "the lady doth protest too much" aptly applies to them. Not liking/getting along with a whole gender is a major red flag about their psychological state and warrants some deep therapy work.

May 13, 2016

@wmacbride

You have already answered your question.

Your friend is confident in who she is regardless of how others view her. She LIKES herself and enjoys being who she is.

These other women are lacking confidence and don't like themselves very much so put others down to make themselves look better. Stay away from them. They will only poison your views on life.

Edited August 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 13, 2016

You know I hear a lot about these women who put other women down and feel the need to compete all the time but I've never actually come across one in real life. My friends and I are the 'build each other up' kind, I wouldn't be in their lives if they were nasty and like the women you describe. We always tell each other how proud we are of each other, compliment appearance, stand by their side etc. even when it comes to other women we don't know, the only time we'll speak badly of someone is if they have behaved appallingly, such as having purposefully hurt someone we care about or whatever.

I can't help but feel that the women who state other girls don't like them because they feel intimidated are usually so insecure they've made that up in their own minds. I just haven't come across the women you speak of, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Strong female friendship is so important in this world and to me and my best girl friends.

I see them mostly online, so I wonder how much of their online persona is who they really are.

I've come across a few in irl, and it was in a capacity where I had to work with them. They were the kind who'd be nice to your face, but behind your back, watch out:laugh:.

May 13, 2016

I see them mostly online, so I wonder how much of their online persona is who they really are.

I've come across a few in irl, and it was in a capacity where I had to work with them. They were the kind who'd be nice to your face, but behind your back, watch out:laugh:.

Well just be glad that you don't have people like this in your life. Surround yourself with positive people. Cut negativity out and when it comes into your life walk away from it. Let them get on with it but ensure its not having an effect on you.

May 13, 2016

I'm not a woman , lol but I've noticed that shy , confident , introvert combination women are the best in the lot though far and few these days because of the so called feminist movement. They still choose to be themselves and that is actually hard even though it goes against the grain ! They don't need to put others down or be part of them.

The women who feel the need to compete with other women are usually who come across as highly confident but at the core , are very insecure , lacking true confidence and low self esteem. Their characteristics show up as if a guy shows interest in a woman , these women start dressing like that to attract that guy. They start behaving like them in front of that guy. They start an unsaid competition and soon you see the guy is surrounded with similar women , lol with no unique identity ,lol. But the shy confident ones, oh, they remain themselves but get unnoticed till THE guy comes along.

My years of noticing women !

May 13, 2016

i wanted to make a thread about that but you beat me to it ....lol

i lost a friend ( or so i thought she was ) because she felt so insecure . i dont consider myself good looking at all average maybe but i do attract attention sometimes even though i come across very reserved . i am in my early 40's and my '' friend '' well, no one really knows her age because she get's upset if you ask her . She once said she was my age range . others said she looks way past 50 . But even if that is the case i find her looks very nice . On the other hand she gets upset if other men notice me or give me compliments . The worst that happened was she was asked by numerous men if i was her daughter ...she flipped out and cursed them like a sailor . Other people also noticed that she copied my style ( make up , Hair , style of clothing ) and i didnt mind that she did ... but i began to feel uneasy around her and i often made her compliments to boost her ego but she began to be really nasty with me to the point she quietly cut our friendship . i can even understand that she felt hurt but its not my fault . i dont like to hang around many females because i dont like the constant comparing or making fun of other females in the way they look . i was never that way . if another female looks beautiful is not a reason to make them down ... but i think it is in most women nature to do so ...even among the older ladies i think they are the worst sometimes . if anything i feel girls should stick together , we have it hard as it is anyway

May 13, 2016

I'm not a woman , lol but I've noticed that shy , confident , introvert combination women are the best in the lot though far and few these days because of the so called feminist movement. They still choose to be themselves and that is actually hard even though it goes against the grain ! They don't need to put others down or be part of them.

The women who feel the need to compete with other women are usually who come across as highly confident but at the core , are very insecure , lacking true confidence and low self esteem. Their characteristics show up as if a guy shows interest in a woman , these women start dressing like that to attract that guy. They start behaving like them in front of that guy. They start an unsaid competition and soon you see the guy is surrounded with similar women , lol with no unique identity ,lol. But the shy confident ones, oh, they remain themselves but get unnoticed till THE guy comes along.

My years of noticing women !

Speaking as a shy, confident, introverted woman who is also a feminist - I'm puzzled about how feminism is supposed to be responsible for dressing or behaving a certain way to attract a man. They may be two things you disapprove of, but - like, for example, fascism and overly-iced coffees - they have nothing else in common.

That said, sure, people who run others down to build themselves up are, certainly, insecure.

May 13, 2016

I'm not a woman , lol but I've noticed that shy , confident , introvert combination women are the best in the lot though far and few these days because of the so called feminist movement. They still choose to be themselves and that is actually hard even though it goes against the grain ! They don't need to put others down or be part of them.

The women who feel the need to compete with other women are usually who come across as highly confident but at the core , are very insecure , lacking true confidence and low self esteem. Their characteristics show up as if a guy shows interest in a woman , these women start dressing like that to attract that guy. They start behaving like them in front of that guy. They start an unsaid competition and soon you see the guy is surrounded with similar women , lol with no unique identity ,lol. But the shy confident ones, oh, they remain themselves but get unnoticed till THE guy comes along.

My years of noticing women !

I haven't experienced this much outside of high school. It did happen with a family member, unfortunately, but she's pretty far from being a feminist, at least in some respects. She's probably what you would consider the "right" sort of woman... until you get on her bad side. Although she's very pretty.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Aniela

May 13, 2016

I'm not a woman , lol but I've noticed that shy , confident , introvert combination women are the best in the lot though far and few these days because of the so called feminist movement. They still choose to be themselves and that is actually hard even though it goes against the grain ! They don't need to put others down or be part of them.

You do know that this has nothing to do with feminism? But Serial Muse said it best.

I have a large circle of wonderful, supportive women. Shirt of your back types who have supported me through a very difficult year. What they all have incommon is that they know who are they are and are confident in that. It has nothing to do with introversion, extraversion, shy, talkative, tall, short, rich or not as rich.

I know far, far more of the build you up women than those that put others down.

As had already been said - those that put others down, regardless of gender are actually pretty fragile and insecure. Which is a shame.

I know the man equivalent - my ex husband. He was deeply threatened by other men because of his own insecurity and sense of inferiority. So he simply avoided them. He could not form friendships with men. His friendship of choice was other women, particularly insecure women that he could "build up".

It ended our marriage. I personally don't think that insecurity is more common in women, it just manifests differently.

May 13, 2016

It's so very simple;

Girls compete with each other and WOMEN empower one another.

Clearly those who compete, tear down and run over others aren't truly women at all but frightened little girls trapped in a woman's body.

May 13, 2016

Insecure people tear others down to try to build themselves up comparatively. It's basic middle school behavior--male and female--and some people never grow out of it.

May 14, 2016

I'm not a woman , lol but I've noticed that shy , confident , introvert combination women are the best in the lot though far and few these days because of the so called feminist movement. They still choose to be themselves and that is actually hard even though it goes against the grain ! They don't need to put others down or be part of them.

The women who feel the need to compete with other women are usually who come across as highly confident but at the core , are very insecure , lacking true confidence and low self esteem. Their characteristics show up as if a guy shows interest in a woman , these women start dressing like that to attract that guy. They start behaving like them in front of that guy. They start an unsaid competition and soon you see the guy is surrounded with similar women , lol with no unique identity ,lol. But the shy confident ones, oh, they remain themselves but get unnoticed till THE guy comes along.

My years of noticing women !

First, I consider myself a feminist. I'm as introverted as it gets. Introversion doesn't mean "lacks confidence". But according to you if I'm a feminist, I'm not being myself? Because I believe men and women are equal? Huh? =|=

Where's the connection? How does that even make sense in your mind?

Second what does Feminism mean in your dictionary? Mine says "I believe that men and women are equal in every respect". Perhaps your dictionary is broken?

Third, if the "feminist over-confident" women are the ones competing, and tearing each other down, ESPECIALLY when a GUY comes along to make themselves stand out for said guy, then surely these women aren't feminists because "feminists hate men", right?

Fourth, as women our entire existence and behaviour does not hinge on getting a man, impressing a man, waiting for a man to come along, having THE man come around. We have brains, personalities, careers, activities and opinions extraneous to men.

If I had to go by the men I meet online ( as you have and just made sweeping statements about women ), I'd conclude that ... no it would be cruel to say what I REALLY think of the men who hold your views.

Try again. Maybe you can work your feminism angle in again if you consider your argument more carefully next time. Cohesion is an important factor in tearing down an entire movement with one two-paragraph post.

May 14, 2016

I wonder where the insecurity comes from.

As I noted above, i have come across a few women like that. I suppose if they were men and had the same low sense of self esteem, it would have manifested in them as well, but perhaps in a different way.

I realize that I can't change someone who has this issue, and there are times I have had to deal with them. To be honest, I found it to be an experience that sapped my energy and left e feeling really confused.

May 14, 2016

I think as soon as competition, real or perceived, comes into play, happiness is impossible. Envy, jealousy, competition preclude any real joy from happening. Cutting down other women allows one to not look at her own issues. It also keeps one from really being able to lead a sincere and authentic life. You have to be pretty vulnerable to let those close to you see the real you, and that's hard for a lot if people. So they fake their own happiness and cut down others. My mother in law does this - to the extent that she's a therapist, so can tell everyone how all she does is help people all day. But she manipulates and uses those close to her, destroys family relationships. She subtly insults you then tells you your crazy for misunderstanding her. And she has a huge smile on her face all the time, but her eyes never smile. Sadly, she's a very miserable woman who must be exhausted from the acting she does all day. She hides behind women's issues and girl power, but will always put a man first and doesn't promote women because she's too threatened. Constantly sizing herself up against women half her age, very delusional. Her staff is all broken women she can manipulate with money and attention. She's almost 70, and it's only getting more intense.

May 14, 2016

Because Life is a competition and dating is just another aspect of life

May 14, 2016

Because Life is a competition and dating is just another aspect of life

I can't argue with that, but this isn't just about dating, but life in general.

May 16, 2016

Speaking as a shy, confident, introverted woman who is also a feminist - I'm puzzled about how feminism is supposed to be responsible for dressing or behaving a certain way to attract a man. They may be two things you disapprove of, but - like, for example, fascism and overly-iced coffees - they have nothing else in common.

That said, sure, people who run others down to build themselves up are, certainly, insecure.

Thank you, I was puzzling over the same thing.

May 16, 2016

Because Life is a competition and dating is just another aspect of life

I guess if you feel threatened by others. I know my strengths, where I stand and what I bring to the table so the idea of needing to compete, especially in the dating world, is a foreign concept to me. I don't compete. Either said interest will see what an awesome person I am or they won't. Trying to "tear down" the competition is getting distracted by the smoke - it is never the actual issue.

May 16, 2016

I guess sometimes ego is at stake. If you discover your H has been courting another woman, some women feel the need to compete, to show they've still got it, to prove to themselves or others that they're still a contender. It's not my kind of thing, but it clearly is for some people. After my H left his xW she twisted herself into a pretzel doing the "pick me" dance, as if he hadn't had all those years to size up her "offering". Personally, I find advertising in the UK which is pretty much all based on competition ("We're cheaper than ASDA!") offensive (comparative advertising is banned in my country) and I feel it cheapens the brand. If all you've got going for you is how you're better / cheaper / whatever than someone else, that's not saying much, IMO.

May 16, 2016

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I used this competitiveness to my advantage in my late twenties. I had not been successful with women before and I found that putting women into competition with other women yielded results. I've outgrown that approach now and I imagine it would not work on the women I'm currently attracted to.

May 16, 2016

I guess sometimes ego is at stake. If you discover your H has been courting another woman, some women feel the need to compete, to show they've still got it, to prove to themselves or others that they're still a contender. It's not my kind of thing, but it clearly is for some people. After my H left his xW she twisted herself into a pretzel doing the "pick me" dance, as if he hadn't had all those years to size up her "offering". Personally, I find advertising in the UK which is pretty much all based on competition ("We're cheaper than ASDA!") offensive (comparative advertising is banned in my country) and I feel it cheapens the brand. If all you've got going for you is how you're better / cheaper / whatever than someone else, that's not saying much, IMO.

If someone's husband has been courting another woman, I would think that's a normal reaction to have, next to the extreme anger that he would do such a thing.

The woman I mentioned before, was my sister. Her husband tried to sleep with me, and caused trouble when I wouldn't. I wouldn't do that to her, and I had no interest in him. There was nothing to compete for, in my mind, but he used her insecurities against her, and against me through her. His ego seemed to feed off it.

May 16, 2016

I think as soon as competition, real or perceived, comes into play, happiness is impossible. Envy, jealousy, competition preclude any real joy from happening. Cutting down other women allows one to not look at her own issues. It also keeps one from really being able to lead a sincere and authentic life. You have to be pretty vulnerable to let those close to you see the real you, and that's hard for a lot if people. So they fake their own happiness and cut down others. My mother in law does this - to the extent that she's a therapist, so can tell everyone how all she does is help people all day. But she manipulates and uses those close to her, destroys family relationships. She subtly insults you then tells you your crazy for misunderstanding her. And she has a huge smile on her face all the time, but her eyes never smile. Sadly, she's a very miserable woman who must be exhausted from the acting she does all day. She hides behind women's issues and girl power, but will always put a man first and doesn't promote women because she's too threatened. Constantly sizing herself up against women half her age, very delusional. Her staff is all broken women she can manipulate with money and attention. She's almost 70, and it's only getting more intense.

Wow, and she's a therapist?

Puts me in mind of the saying "physician, heal thyself".

May 16, 2016

I guess sometimes ego is at stake. If you discover your H has been courting another woman, some women feel the need to compete, to show they've still got it, to prove to themselves or others that they're still a contender. It's not my kind of thing, but it clearly is for some people. After my H left his xW she twisted herself into a pretzel doing the "pick me" dance, as if he hadn't had all those years to size up her "offering". Personally, I find advertising in the UK which is pretty much all based on competition ("We're cheaper than ASDA!") offensive (comparative advertising is banned in my country) and I feel it cheapens the brand. If all you've got going for you is how you're better / cheaper / whatever than someone else, that's not saying much, IMO.

I've seen this before, but not in the particular group of people you mention. In fact, it was the opposite.

In fact, I've mostly seen it in single women or in second, third etc. wives.

The women in that position who are secure feel no need to lob insults at the first wife- or the wife who came before them- as they are secure in their relationship and don't feel a need to compete with her. She is no longer an issue, so why even bring her up at all? these women have happy marriages and are too busy to worry about what the ex did.

It's the ones that can't resist bringing up this particular woman who obviously feel that she still matters in her life and that she still feels a need to compete with her. Some might eve go so far as to call that jealousy.

The opposite is also true. To see this, all one needs to do is to look at the second wives on this site who discuss their marriage without even mentioning the first wife. She is no longer relevant therefore doesn't factor into the conversations. She may have been hell on wheels, but she's in the rear view mirror and no longer matters.

Edited May 16, 2016 by wmacbride

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Why do some women feel like they have to compete with other women?

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