Anxiety and Insecurity is ruining my relationship and me.

[Mordor21]

Hey there,

I have been dating the nicest girl for the last two months and I like her very much. This is my first relationship (she knows that) and I have loved every minute of it.

 

However, I have some insecurities, because of this being my first relationship. I always think that she will dump me any minute now which causes me great anxiety at times. She is a very independent woman with a serious job and lots of friends and lots of previous relationships. She has never hinted she will leave me. I guess I am pretty insecure if i am doing things right or wrong.

 

As I said she has a very serious job which does not let her send msgs (facebook) during the day. If I do message her while she is at work, it will be either a very short message (how is your day going) or just an emoticon (kissy face or smth) and I do not expect an answer till she can answer (or finish work). A lot of times (even after work) she will answer me literally with one word (LOL, Nice, Cool). If I want to have a conversation over chat, I will have to be literally interviewing her most of the times, which I do not want to do and do not do, but just wait a few hours and call her just to see how she is doing. Very rarely would she message me first, after she is done with work. When I call her we usually have great talk like everything is ok. But I kind of feel awkward calling her every day. I guess she is not the person to chat a lot, but she is constantly on facebook and whats app and do not understand why she does not want to talk there. I guess I am more concerned why she is not interested on what is going on with me. I always say to myself, I will cut communication for a whole day or more to see when she will get back to me, but honestly I do not feel like playing those games. I think that if you want to talk to someone you should.

 

We usually meet 3-4 times a week and I stay at her place. We have a great time together, but rarely would she start the conversation to get together. I do try to give her a lot of space and if she is busy or does not want to meet a certain night or day I do not push further. Because of all those insecurities, I almost feel that every time I talk to her I turn out needy. I am at a point where I am starting to worry to ask her to get together any more because I do not want to ruin the relationship by meeting too much at such an early point and also because I feel like I am more of an inconvenience. On the other hand I really want to be with her.

I do try to do a lot of other things during my free time and have a life outside this relationship. The problem is I like this girl a lot and do not want to lose her. I realize I tend to overthink a lot. This relationship is causing me a great deal of anxiety, because I seem to be much more interested in her than she is in me. I am afraid she will lose interest in me or get bored with my neediness (over chatting too much and wanting to meet etc.).

 

Example: We have plans to go away next weekend and during our talk tonight she joked that she is not coming, which literally left me silent for a good few seconds, as this is what I have been afraid of for a few days. She said she was joking and wanted to see how I will react and what I will do. My reaction was that I told her It would have been ok, a little weird as we have planned this for a while, and I will have been interested why she is not coming. My anxiety spiked through the roof, although she said she was joking.

 

So what do you think? Do you think I still have time to change the whole dynamic of the relationship or myself so I can seem less needy for her attention and feel less anxiety?

[Emilia]

She doesn't sound considerate to me, a bit cruel, even.

[TheArtist]

Example: We have plans to go away next weekend and during our talk tonight she joked that she is not coming, which literally left me silent for a good few seconds, as this is what I have been afraid of for a few days. She said she was joking and wanted to see how I will react and what I will do.

 

She's either not entirely committed or she doesn't understand anxiety. While it's good to make light of stuff (my god I'm guilty of that pretty much all the time), you have to know the boundaries; and she doesn't.

 

I know it's your first relationship and that's the one that impacts you the most, but do take note that it doesn't sound like a very stable or loving one.

 

Try limiting your texts and messages to 50:50. She should be doing half the work too. If you text her and don't get an answer, don't send another until you do. Same with calls and messages.

 

In the meantime work on your hobbies and focus on you. A relationship is only part of your world, not all of it.

[d0nnivain]

You are allowing yourself to fall into a modern trap. Just because we have the technical ability to communicate 24/7 does not mean that is a good idea. Once upon a time people conducted relationships that did not require constant communication throughout the day. Your parents did not FB, IM or text during the work day but they still managed to fall in love, get married & have you. So stop annoying this woman at work. Just stop. If she has a job where she can't send you messages all day you messaging her that much is annoying. That behavior alone would cause me to dump you. Granted I am an outlier in that respect but power down & keep your communications to after work hours.

 

 

If at 2 months in you are seeing each other 3-4 times per week & planning to go away for the weekend you have a more solid connection then many people. Celebrate that in your own head & stop thinking about the doomsday scenario. Also repeatedly remind yourself that she is dating you & that is a wonderful thing. If you continue to focus on the negative it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Mordor21]

You are allowing yourself to fall into a modern trap. Just because we have the technical ability to communicate 24/7 does not mean that is a good idea. Once upon a time people conducted relationships that did not require constant communication throughout the day. Your parents did not FB, IM or text during the work day but they still managed to fall in love, get married & have you. So stop annoying this woman at work. Just stop. If she has a job where she can't send you messages all day you messaging her that much is annoying. That behavior alone would cause me to dump you. Granted I am an outlier in that respect but power down & keep your communications to after work hours.

 

 

If at 2 months in you are seeing each other 3-4 times per week & planning to go away for the weekend you have a more solid connection then many people. Celebrate that in your own head & stop thinking about the doomsday scenario. Also repeatedly remind yourself that she is dating you & that is a wonderful thing. If you continue to focus on the negative it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I never thought about it this way. I will lay back on the chats from now on.

[ShatteredLady]

I eventually split with my first bf because of his constant depression & negavity over our relationship. We eventually reached the point that EVERY night would end with him getting upset that I was too good for him, would leave him, would end-up with another man. Ugh!

 

Yep! Self fulfilling prophecy.

[Satu]

When you're with her, give her 100% of your attention.

 

When you aren't, focus on what is happening around you at the time.

 

Life isn't about just one person.

 

Invest yourself in the other people in your life.

 

They are important too.

 

 

Take care.

[Mordor21]

I eventually split with my first bf because of his constant depression & negavity over our relationship. We eventually reached the point that EVERY night would end with him getting upset that I was too good for him, would leave him, would end-up with another man. Ugh!

 

Yep! Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Although I may think those things, I never voice them out. We have lots of fun together when we meet. She asked me a few nights ago, what I thought of the relationship and I simply said "That I really liked what we have and want to see where all of this takes us." We have been together for only 2 months... I asked her back, but she never gave me a direct answer. She's told me before that she is insecure to commit(due to previous relationships), so this may be playing a role and I did not want to push.

 

I understand the issue is within me and I need to get it sorted out in order to enjoy that (or my next, if it is too late for this) relationship to the fullest. I have made an appointment with a counselor tomorrow so I can get some professional help.

[anika99]

Although I may think those things, I never voice them out. We have lots of fun together when we meet. She asked me a few nights ago, what I thought of the relationship and I simply said "That I really liked what we have and want to see where all of this takes us." We have been together for only 2 months... I asked her back, but she never gave me a direct answer. She's told me before that she is insecure to commit(due to previous relationships), so this may be playing a role and I did not want to push.

 

I understand the issue is within me and I need to get it sorted out in order to enjoy that (or my next, if it is too late for this) relationship to the fullest. I have made an appointment with a counselor tomorrow so I can get some professional help.

 

Good for you! The fact of the matter is that this is still very early into this relationship and your gf could actually dump you at any time and you have to get okay with that. Not saying that you should be happy when or if it happens but that you need to get to place where you know you will be okay and life will go on with or without her. She has given signals that she doesn't take this relationship as seriously as you are and that's not a bad thing. You have only been seeing each other for 2 months and it should still be light and casual at this point. She may be with you for a long time or she may only be with you for a short time. Enjoy it while it lasts and be ready to let go if the time comes.