Girlfriend got pregnant, then abortion and now being distant

[sarrmir]

Background :

My girlfriend had her daughter when she was 20 and since she was raised in a Mormon family, when she got pregnant, her family almost disowned her, and so she says she wants to do it properly this time around. (e.g. after marriage)

 

 

I am 30 and my girlfriend is 28, we just started dating 2 month ago and then last Friday while we were out partying and drunk she told me that she is pregnant and that she only knew for last 3 days and didn’t want to tell me. (We have been having unprotected sex because she mentioned from the beginning that she had an IUD installed 5 years ago and there is nothing to worry about in terms of getting pregnant)

 

From the moment she broke the news on Friday I was nothing but supportive, initially I was like let’s keep it, but she told me that she is having an abortion on Tuesday and she does not want to talk to me or see me until after it is done.

 

I decided to support her with what she wanted to do. So we decided that I will not contact her until she decides to do so… I know it must be very tough what she is going through and I want to be with her through this time.

 

Now it has been 2 days after the abortion ( 5 days since we last talked) and still nothing....

 

Should I give her more time and leave her alone and give her space, or should I contact her?

[preraph]

She probably got a rash of crap from her family and has been in turmoil with that going on. But I do think you should just reach out and say "Just wanted to hear your voice. Hope you're feeling better," or give her some money to help pay for it or just anything to show you are taking responsibility some. Even if you only have a little money, it might soften her or her parents some if you said, "Here is what I have, please take it." I don't know if you've already done that. But it would be nice to pay for it even if it's only so much each paycheck, just as a gesture of responsibility.

 

You'll be using a condom from now on....if she even wants to risk it at all. Don't let her think you ghosted on her. If she doesn't want to talk or see you, respect it, but at least express your concern. Good luck.

[blackcat777]

Abortions are a complex and terrible experience for the woman.

 

First, there are all the emotional/social/religious/spiritual issues to deal with. This really sucks if you don't have support from close people when you need it... if they condemn the woman in the situation... etc.

 

Next, you have the fact that NOBODY wants to have an abortion, either... so I'm imagining the situation that brought her to this decision requires a huge amount of empathy. Like even the "best" or most "logical" or "rational" decision can still be a really sad one.

 

Physically, it's going to take 4-8 weeks for the HCG (pregnancy hormone) to leave her body... so she will be dealing with strong emotional tremors until the body is back to normal.

 

Finally, I'm a fan of the triune brain theory, and I do really believe that so much of the negative emotional aftermath stemming from an abortion has to do with an intuitive experience of the animal self... Losing a child is a failure to procreate, which our limbic system is absolutely wired to do. It's a failure of one of our most basic drives, which can translate into a huge (seemingly irrational--unless you look more deeply into it) sense of failure. Massive knocks to the self-esteem, she could feel completely wretched, hating herself, or insecure. Some women report suicidal thoughts when struggling with the aftermath of an abortion.

 

Even further complicating all of that, there's the fact that she played a role in the decision to end the life of her mate's child... which runs counterintuitive to all of evolution. Even if RATIONALLY it was the best decision for all parties involved--mother, father, unborn--there are animal parts to ourselves, too, and I think nothing is more terrible than an ancient maternal instinct wailing with grief at the loss of the child.

 

I would suggest reaching out more than once to let her know that you love her, you value you her, and that you're willing to be there for her. These experiences can be WAY more painful than people feel like they're allowed by society to let on.

 

It's like a psychological and a biological double whammy... of the worst kind.

 

And society is a freaking hornet's nest about the issue--some will write off the women with negative experiences, others are very quick to condemn people in heartwrenching situations. Very few people have an ounce of compassion and want to hear the voice of the women themselves...

 

Important edit: Abortions aren't any fun for men, either... not to sound like I'm writing off your obvious concerns, OP.

[d0nnivain]

… I know it must be very tough what she is going through and I want to be with her through this time.

 

Now it has been 2 days after the abortion ( 5 days since we last talked) and still nothing....

 

Should I give her more time and leave her alone and give her space, or should I contact her?

 

 

Are you kidding? You need to be by her side, hugging her, letting her cry, practically smothering her with support. To leave her alone, tells her you are shunning her. If she tells you to go away, fine, but for now an outpouring of love is in order.

 

 

Send her flowers. Text her. Send sweet emails (not overly gushing). Ply her with ice cream or her favorite comfort food.

 

While you are out getting those things, invest in a box of condoms.

[elaine567]

.. she told me that she is having an abortion on Tuesday and she does not want to talk to me or see me until after it is done.

 

I decided to support her with what she wanted to do. So we decided that I will not contact her until she decides to do so… I know it must be very tough what she is going through and I want to be with her through this time.

 

Now it has been 2 days after the abortion ( 5 days since we last talked) and still nothing....

 

Should I give her more time and leave her alone and give her space, or should I contact her?

 

She said she doesn't want you to talk to her or see her until after it is done, but did she really mean that? I am guessing probably not.

Your "hands off" approach, is probably a tad convenient for you, and she is perhaps aware of that, hence the radio silence from her end.

One of the most traumatic events for a woman to go through and you are leaving her all alone????