not sure if my husband is the one

[ambreen84]

Hi all, this is my first post on the forum. I found it after a quick internet search, was browsing articles/advice to help me with the following.

 

I am 31 years old, female and a lawyer. I've been a lawyer for about 4 years but prior to this I was studying for a long time (for the law degree, and before this I was studying Philosophy before I "realised" law was for me - all in all, I started my law career quite "late" as I have been studying for at least 7 years in total).

 

I met my husband in the first few months of my second (law) degree... so this is almost 8 years ago now. We have been married for 7 years (we married quite young at age 23 years). We met online (through mutual friends on social media). After several exchages of messages over a few weeks led to us meeting up. We got along, liked each other, had sex, dated and after a few months decided we wanted to get married.

 

Then, as my boyfriend, he had graduated from University the year before, and hadn't graduated with the grade he was hoping for, but it was good enough then. I am not being boastful at all, but just in case this information is useful for others: I have always been a high achiever in school, straight A-student, hobbies etc. My husband (and then boyfriend) is very intelligent, he was just a bit lazy and that's why he didnt get the grade he should have. He is really smart and I didnt really care about his grades. I liked him and loved him because he was down to earth, had a good nature about him, kind and genuinely sweet and shy, but when he warms up he is quite talkative and well-mannered. I am very talkative and in comparison, and a little more of an extrovert than him. We have always had a good relationship in the sense that we have a good laugh with each other, we talk to each other well (although recently this has gone down the drain).

 

We got married about 10 months after we met and it was stressful because we have big families and they were very nosey and intrusive. We were also the first of each of our family members (between siblings, cousins etc) to get married. In fact, we were the first in our friendship groups to get married; most of our friends have gotten married only recently! So basically, we were a young couple, and the only young couple we knew. Everyone else was single.

 

My husband supported us financially through my education (rent, bills), but I paid for food (he also paid for food at times too) and I sorted out mostly the cooking and cleaning (as I was home mostly and didnt mind the housework). So basically while he was working fulltime, I was studying (i worked part-time when my bank was running low during University, but every holiday I worked fulltime wherever I could find work to raise fees for my education). So basically, I paid my own university fees and also my half of all our holidays, my own books, clothes etc. Just to give an idea of our financial situation (if that is useful). We have mostly split our dates (dinners, movies, theatre). We didn't mind this as we were quite "poor" and it was the only way to still enjoy time together. Ocassionally we treated each other or surprised each other, but not that often.

 

I feel like I am waffling...

 

To get to the point: i feel like, now 8 years later, we are in very different phases in life. I finished law school 4 years ago, career going well although I'm not sure if I am happy with the stressful workload. My husband 1.5 years ago changed his career from teaching to IT. He loves his job and I am happy that he loves his job. He has been supportive and understanding that I am realising that law may not be for me. I was a little older than my peers at University and because most of them were from middle-class backgrounds (I and hubby come from a family background of low socio-economic class) they had state and parental support to fund long-term travel and their fees at University.

 

I used to be a traveller before I met my husband, not that he stopped me at all, but due to financial strains we didn't holiday/travel much except once a year for a week (which was pretty good considering our situation). But my peers were always off during the summer and winter for weeks/months exploring the world. I didnt bother me that much at that time until the unversity offered us the opportunity to work and live abroad as part of the university course. I couldnt afford this, and my husband couldnt afford it for me either, but that was ok, i told myself, i'll go travelling (with my husband soon (in a few years) and it'll be great! my husband knew how much the travel meant to me. I think it means a lot to me also because i had a selfish and repressive father who never took me or my siblings or my mother anywhere, just sat on his ass and watched TV and complained; never travelled anywhere. My first holiday was when I was 17 with my friends to europe and I just booked the holiday without my parents knowing and I left. My dad went ballistic about this.

 

Anyways, before meeting me, my husband had never travelled, which i always told him i thought was odd. we went to spain for our honeymoon, and that was his first holiday. he said that his circle of friends never really discussed travelling and his family dont holiday so it was not something he ever thought about. he absolutely loved spain on our honeymoon and after that we went somewhere new once a year and he really loved going away.

 

since i couldnt work/live abroad as part of university 4 years ago, i always felt like i missed out on soemthing in life. travel is really important to me and to be honest, it's something i think of every day. i guess i have that itch that backpackers do who wander off for a year or two. i really feel like just going off and travelling, not for any reason other than to see the world and figure out the meaning of my life and why i feel unhappy at times (more often now than before). I guess you could say i want to escape by travelling, but if i am being honest, i dont want to "escape", i feel like there is something out there for me to discover, and this itch in me is getting more and more intense.

 

anyways, so since my husband decided to change his career to IT 1.5 years ago, he has had a very demanding job and in the time before and whilst he changed it, he knew how desperately i wanted to travel. he also knew i was planning a few months away in the Far East for both of us, and we both agreed we would take a career break and finally do this for a few months. This travel was supposed to take place in these last few months.

 

so, when the time came to get ready and pack our bags about 5 months ago (i had saved up and planned the entire trip), he informs me that he has not saved up, he has spent his money on courses over the year etc to help improve his career. He has ZERO in the bank. I had already handed in my sabbatical at work which I couldnt take back, so i have effectively been jobless since. He then told me he found a new and better IT job and was taking that up. Between his old job and new job, he had 3 months break which we could have taken abroad instead of 5, but what stopped us was the money in his bank - there was NONE. I was really angry and upset with him. I planned everything. He told me he wanted to go travellign with me, that this would be a great break for us etc. I only had enough money for myself for this trip.

 

Anyways, so this has led to a lot of resentment towards him. I am angry that I am effectively jobless and he has a new brand-spanking job paying well and that he loves, where his company PAY FOR EVERYTHING inc travel expenses (national) and food expenses etc. I have struggled in this time to get ad hoc law work as a freelancer as I have never done this before. In addition, over the months, I have started to hate my job more and more and really hating life and just feeling so incredibly depressed and hating him for not prioritising me, us, travel as he had promised. I planned everything and worked extra shifts and extra cases to breaking point to get enough money for this trip. He knew all this and was watching me do this every day and night. I was exhausted by the time i had handed in my sabbatical leave, and then my husband tells me he has not saved a penny all that time.

 

I am also feeling really down and depressed because we have no children. I'm not sure that I even want children, but I'm 31 and I am getting worried that the longer i leave it, the more at risk of complications I and my child will/may have. I am also worried that i might not even be able to have children (just a general scare). All the studying and career changes in my life particularly my through my 20s (which felt worth it at the time) have really just made me unhappy now at age 31. i really just needed a few months away from my life, figure out a few things, and most of all, i wanted to share that travel time and experience with the man i love.

 

i am so angry and resentful that now i am starting to make digs that he cant save up any money; that he always puts himself first. he says he wants us to work and get through this, and now saying, after 3 years (when I am at a senior law position and he has more experience in IT) then we can take a years break and travel the world then. I'll be 34 years old!! and even worse position with kids because i dont want children unless i am 100% sure of them and 3 years is a long time before i can go travelling.

 

i think i left my passion, travel, to the backseat when i was younger and after i got married because i always felt i had to excel in my education to improve my life compared to my parents. my dad is a deadbeat and my mother was always under his thumb. I experienced a lot of abuse in my household and so i used education to free myself. I think i am free from that life in many ways, but i am still unhappy. i feel so let down and disappointed in my husband and i feel like we are just two very different people who want different things and NEED different things that I am not sure he is the one for me. I really dont want to end my marriage, but i also see myself living unhappy, in a shell, doing the things i just dont feel ready to do like buy a house, have kids, "settle down". I really wish I just answered this travel calling in my 20s and may be i would feel better at age 31 years, but that is unfortunately not what happened. i kept telling myself "in a few years" "when i have the money" etc and now I'm 31 years old, hating my husband, jobless, hating my life, hating everything.

 

i have always been a christian (not a good practising one, but i always believed God would help me through everything and never doubted his help and existence). but since feeling so down and in the dump I am starting to doubt my faith, and i feel that my life will always be unhappy - awful childhood, working endlessly to try and improve my life financially compared to my parents, working to breaking point to get savings for travel. Now I feel old, i'm going to be an "old mum" and worse, just be unhappy for the rest of my life. I dont knwo why i am doing this, but i am starting to blame my husband for this. i am blaming him for making me feel miserable, for basically promising me travel time, time for me, and then planning something else for HIMSELF at the last minute.

 

i am really depressed and for a few months now i have been getting worse. i am starting to drink, even in the morning (not a lot but a little) and crying a lot when no one is around. I feel strained and incredibly unhappy. i have nowhere to go. except for this forum...

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm having hard time understanding what you want from your husband. At first you made it sound like you were disappointed that he was settling in his career, but then he spent his money to try and upgrade his skills and improve his job.

 

 

First off, clearly it sounds like there is no communication in your marriage. You handed in your sabbatical in at work, and was expecting him to take the time off and then had the discussion to realize he had no money and no plans to take the time off? How does that even happen? Did he just lie to you for months on end, or did you just assume for months on end that this plan was still a go without talking to him?

 

 

Secondly, I don't understand the separates bank account thing. You guys are married for many years now and it's all you paid for this and he paid for that. That isn't how marriage works, no wonder you have such a disjointed idea of your family finances.

 

 

Thirdly, travel is your passion and yet you've married someone who has never travelled and doesn't seem that interested in it. I love travel, but that is a pretty extreme lifestyle to go to the far east for a few months putting everything on hold. Clearly you guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this.

 

 

Fourth, you say you grew up poor, but then were going on European vacations by yourself. You clearly have no concept of classes.

 

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what to think of your situation. You seem to blaming everything on your husband, but clearly your many years of school seem to be the primary reason that you guys have made it to your 30's with nothing to show for it, including the travel you are dreaming of. But not many people can afford the travel that you seem to think is a normal middle class lifestyle.

[HillValley]

Wow.

 

Eight years is a long time. I think the hate my job situation may be coloring the situation a bit.

 

I would say that couples counseling would be a great thing. Guys can be sometime obtuse to realizing how important things are to our partner. You say you're resenting him but he might not realize because he doesn't place the same kind of importance on travel as you do. If he does realize it and simply doesn't care...counseling would be good for that, too.

 

Be grateful you don't have kids. Priorities and money are huge when you have kids and if you are doubting if he's good with either then it would be 100x more stressful to realize it after you have them.

[ambreen84]

I'm having hard time understanding what you want from your husband. At first you made it sound like you were disappointed that he was settling in his career, but then he spent his money to try and upgrade his skills and improve his job.

 

 

First off, clearly it sounds like there is no communication in your marriage. You handed in your sabbatical in at work, and was expecting him to take the time off and then had the discussion to realize he had no money and no plans to take the time off? How does that even happen? Did he just lie to you for months on end, or did you just assume for months on end that this plan was still a go without talking to him?

 

 

Secondly, I don't understand the separates bank account thing. You guys are married for many years now and it's all you paid for this and he paid for that. That isn't how marriage works, no wonder you have such a disjointed idea of your family finances.

 

 

Thirdly, travel is your passion and yet you've married someone who has never travelled and doesn't seem that interested in it. I love travel, but that is a pretty extreme lifestyle to go to the far east for a few months putting everything on hold. Clearly you guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this.

 

 

Fourth, you say you grew up poor, but then were going on European vacations by yourself. You clearly have no concept of classes.

 

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what to think of your situation. You seem to blaming everything on your husband, but clearly your many years of school seem to be the primary reason that you guys have made it to your 30's with nothing to show for it, including the travel you are dreaming of. But not many people can afford the travel that you seem to think is a normal middle class lifestyle.

 

 

Hi there

I should have been clear. We planned 5 months abroad a year in advance, so this was agreed in 2014. We agreed that we would taken time out of our careers for the trave. We agreed we would both save up for it. He knew I was handing in my sabbatical and told me he had done so to. He did hand in his sabbatical, but a few weeks before we were set to go (I believed we were BOTH set to go), he told me he had actually spent his savings on his career, in order to land his brand new job which he recently started. He didnt tell me that this is what he was doing with the savings until right at the end. He was talking to me the whole time as though he couldnt wait to go away.

 

Not all couples have joint bank accounts, in fact most people I know do not have a joint account. And with what my husband spending his own savings on his career, he probably would have just taken it out of our joint account to fund it anyway. I would have at least known he had spent the money with a joint account though.

 

I am from the UK, so going to europe is not as expensive. I also went when I was 17, and worked part-time during college to fund my travel. I was away for 10 days only with friends. My father was a waiter his whole life and my mum didnt work. My family had no money, so I think I am the better judge at telling you my financial situation as a child and teenager. I have also worked my whole life, either part-time or full time, and have been studying. I moved out from my parents at age 21 years old too.

 

Yes, travel is my passion. My husband had never travelled until he was 23 (on our honeymoon) but after this, we went away at least once a year to nearby France, Portugal etc.

 

Lots of people go away for a few months. Especially if you plan it well and especially if you have planned it a year in advance like myself. I have no mortgage, children or demanding expenses so saving for this was hard work, but not as difficult as for someone who may have these other important priorities in their life.

 

I find your last couple of sentences in your post judgmental and not very helpful. so if you have nothing constructive to add to my post and how i am feeling and the dilemma i am in, please refrain from posting a response to my posts. thanks.

[GunslingerRoland]

Well, I agree that is clearly an issue if your husband is lying to your face every night telling as you guys are booking tickets for a trip that he has no plans in you guys actually going on. That is such a huge lie, I`d imagine there must be some big underlying reason for this whole situation. If he`d have taken what tens of thousands of dollars worth of courses, how did you not notice?

 

 

Maybe it's very different in the UK, but most married people have shared bank accounts, I don't know anyone who takes multi month sabbatical vacations, taking a week of vacation to another country is pretty average for most of the people I know who are upper middle class.

 

 

If my wife asked me to take months off of work, and pay for half of a vacation, that would be a multi year planning exercise that would involve us both budgeting our asses off. It sounds like you just ask him this stuff like it's a normal everyday request and then are disappointed that he didn't pull months worth of salary together for YOUR dream.

 

 

Call it helpful or not, but you are getting yourself depressed over not keeping up with the Joneses, not realizing that you're comparing yourself to a pretty elite class with your expectations.

[ambreen84]

Wow.

 

Eight years is a long time. I think the hate my job situation may be coloring the situation a bit.

 

I would say that couples counseling would be a great thing. Guys can be sometime obtuse to realizing how important things are to our partner. You say you're resenting him but he might not realize because he doesn't place the same kind of importance on travel as you do. If he does realize it and simply doesn't care...counseling would be good for that, too.

 

Be grateful you don't have kids. Priorities and money are huge when you have kids and if you are doubting if he's good with either then it would be 100x more stressful to realize it after you have them.

 

hi, thanks for your response.

i feel there is an element of him being obtuse. I just feel so angry and let down by him because he knew fully well and was in full conversation with me that we were travelling. He even told me "go for it" and "yes, let's hand in our sabbaticals" at work. He dropped me off to work the day I handed it in! I am just angry because i feel he has lied to me. He had another plan for himself, and was just going along with what i was saying, but decided to be selfish and put himself first. I just didnt understand why he did it and i am finding it difficult to speak to him because he has wrecked my last few months for me. He could have easily had this new job he has in a years time, it wouldnt have gone away. it wasnt an opportunity that would be gone forever. i feel he has deceived me. yes it is absolutely strange, this is why i am on here on this forum. i dont understand why he has done this, and i am just feeling rotten that i have not done the travelling i so desperately wanted especially after he had gone along with it for a whole year too.

from him telling me that he is happy to travel in 3 years time, just tells me that he is prioritising his career. I know now that he isnt interested in travelling at all the way i wish too. I just dont understand why he just couldnt say that and why he went along with my 5 month plan away and why he let me hand in my sabbatical at work.

this trip away was really important for me. I know it's not like he has cheated, beat me up or left me for a man. I know some extreme event has not happened in our marriage that warrants sympathy like the previous responders message ^^^ but this was important for me. to get away meant i could feel better, work on my mental health. that's why it was vital for me.

i am now thinking of just going away without him, leave for a few months and do what i need to do.

Edited January 18, 2016 by ambreen84

[Gloria25]

Well, what do you want here?

 

Can't you pursue your "dreams" while remaining married? Like the traveling. Has your husband objected to traveling wirh you?

 

Yes, people grow, mature and change. Statistics show that marriages between people in young 20s have a high divorce rate. Why? For some of the reasons you mentioned - growth, maturity, change - which you need your 20s for that.

 

We don't live in older times were young couples stay married for years cuz they actually had smarts and/or wise input from family on choosing a suitable mate. They also didn't have a life/options...it was get married and have kids. So, even "if" they made a mistake in choosing each other, they stuck it out for the kids, and then by the time they got older were either too undatable, scared, comfortable, and/or lazy to find someone new.

 

So, this is simple. No need here to get all depressed. Try marriage counseling...see if your husband and you can decide now what you want out of life, yourselves, and/or marriage.

 

Good luck,

[ufo8mycat]

 

Call it helpful or not, but you are getting yourself depressed over not keeping up with the Joneses, not realizing that you're comparing yourself to a pretty elite class with your expectations.

 

You have the wrong end of this. The OP has said nothing about keeping up with anyone. She was under the impression her husband shared the same goal.

 

Maybe its your social circle or generation but talking a few months off to travel is not unheard of. Not everyone does a gap year - sometimes they travel later.

 

the UK to france is an hours flight that you can get for $60 each way with a low cost airline. It isn't exactly elite class expectations. I can get from Australia to the US for $1000 return. Not exactly comparing myself with an elitist class.

 

OP, I think this highlights some expectation gaps and counselling is probably the best option.

[Satu]

There is no such thing as 'the one.'

 

There are no soul 'mates.'

 

What there is, is two people who either get along well, or badly.

 

Ultimately, the person who carries the responsibility for your current condition is you.

 

But I understand that he disappointed you by not saving to travel.

 

You have different goals and priorities. Why should he let your goals and priorities eclipse his?

 

The state you are in is the product of your own thinking, choosing, and behaving.

 

You need to really get that.

 

When you get it, you get your power back.

 

 

Take care.

[ambreen84]

Well, I agree that is clearly an issue if your husband is lying to your face every night telling as you guys are booking tickets for a trip that he has no plans in you guys actually going on. That is such a huge lie, I`d imagine there must be some big underlying reason for this whole situation. If he`d have taken what tens of thousands of dollars worth of courses, how did you not notice?

 

 

Maybe it's very different in the UK, but most married people have shared bank accounts, I don't know anyone who takes multi month sabbatical vacations, taking a week of vacation to another country is pretty average for most of the people I know who are upper middle class.

 

 

If my wife asked me to take months off of work, and pay for half of a vacation, that would be a multi year planning exercise that would involve us both budgeting our asses off. It sounds like you just ask him this stuff like it's a normal everyday request and then are disappointed that he didn't pull months worth of salary together for YOUR dream.

 

 

Call it helpful or not, but you are getting yourself depressed over not keeping up with the Joneses, not realizing that you're comparing yourself to a pretty elite class with your expectations.

 

Hi there

thanks for your response.

I understand your point about the multi-tasking and year of planning. The thing is, I managed it and he was telling me he was with me on this too. Oh we didnt take thousands and thousands, the trip would have been a very inexpensive one: living in hostels, coach surfing, budgetting food and expenses. We have done this before but one a week or two.

 

I understand your point about keeping up with the Joneses, and I did think about this a lot over the years. Am I just wanting something that others seem to have? The thing is, I dont think I am trying to keep uo with the Joneses, this would not be a holiday, like going to a resort. this would be a travel adventure on a budget. It would be like a once in a lifetime opportunity... before kids, I guess.

 

i really do feel lied to heavily by my husband. I feel really let down. I know it does not seem like the biggest thing and i know from the tone of your responses that you do not understand why travelling is so important to me, but the fact is, it is important to me. hugely important. and mu husband acted like he was in on it too. This was supposed to be our adventure, initiated by MY dream, but he was in on it. i know he hasnt cheated or done something absolutely devastating, but this i feel like my needs (to get away, to work on my mental health) is something i need to prioritise at the moment, and he told me he understood that and wanted to go with me. that hurts me a lot. it hurts me a great deal. this is why i titled my post 'i'm not sure if my husband is the one'.

 

thanks for your response though, i will think about it some more.

[loveflower]

i am now thinking of just going away without him, leave for a few months and do what i need to do.

 

why not? that's a great idea. maybe after travelling you will have a new perspective on things?

[loveflower]

There are so many countries close to UK...can't believe some people at least not just to travel to those countries.

 

hello, France and Italy? only a few hours trip from UK. can't people even do that?

[ambreen84]

There is no such thing as 'the one.'

 

There are no soul 'mates.'

 

What there is, is two people who either get along well, or badly.

 

Ultimately, the person who carries the responsibility for your current condition is you.

 

But I understand that he disappointed you by not saving to travel.

 

You have different goals and priorities. Why should he let your goals and priorities eclipse his?

 

The state you are in is the product of your own thinking, choosing, and behaving.

 

You need to really get that.

 

When you get it, you get your power back.

 

 

Take care.

 

Hi there

yes he should let my goals and priorities eclipse his because he made a vow to me, to do everything he can to make me happy. And I made a vow to him. He promised me he would travel with me, it was agreed between us and planned. He broke that promise. I have never hurt him the way he has hurt me with this. I supported him through his career changes, even helped him get his career change going with contacts, research and helping him through courses he needed to improve his skills before launching his career in IT. I did all this at a sacrifice of myself. I took time out of my own to help him launch a career that he had no experience or skills in. I think when you get married, you do things for each other. You make sacrifices for each other, because those sacrifices can make all the difference to the other's happiness. Of course, you cant sacrifice all the time for each other, otherwise you will be left with nothing for yourself. His "sacrifice" of taking a few months out of his career for me, us, would have done no damage to his career at all. He has only gone and affected my 5 months out by destroying all my plans and having me endure his complete bliss in his new job. He has completely put his happiness first, at my expense. That is wrong. That is selfish. This is not about my "own power". This is about my husband lying to me, disappointing me to the extreme and ruining 5 months of my life that i will never ever get back.

[ambreen84]

why not? that's a great idea. maybe after travelling you will have a new perspective on things?

 

yes, hopefully... may be

[ambreen84]

There are so many countries close to UK...can't believe some people at least not just to travel to those countries.

 

hello, France and Italy? only a few hours trip from UK. can't people even do that?

 

france and Italy would be a dream to backpack through. Unfortunately, backpacking through europe for a long period of time can get very expensive. I have had my heart set on the Far East like Indonesia and Thailand. these are beautiful countries/ continent I have never been to it would be wonderful to explore cultures and lands that are very different from the West/Europe. They are also very inexpensive as the £ is much stronger.

 

a lot of people from the UK travel to central europe, it is a very popular destination.

[ambreen84]

You have the wrong end of this. The OP has said nothing about keeping up with anyone. She was under the impression her husband shared the same goal.

 

Maybe its your social circle or generation but talking a few months off to travel is not unheard of. Not everyone does a gap year - sometimes they travel later.

 

the UK to france is an hours flight that you can get for $60 each way with a low cost airline. It isn't exactly elite class expectations. I can get from Australia to the US for $1000 return. Not exactly comparing myself with an elitist class.

 

OP, I think this highlights some expectation gaps and counselling is probably the best option.

 

Thanks for your response and understanding my travel perspectives. I was finding it difficult to explain this.

 

Counselling is coming up a lot. I think this is something I will need to strongly consider. We have never had counselling before, but it might be that we need it and could benefit from it.

[kgcolonel]

ambreen84....wow where to start....

 

One thing I would start with is to look at your posts and count the "me's, my's, I's......

 

Reading your first post, you speak of how he supported you and himself while you went to school to chase your dream, turns out once you found it....it isn't all you thought it'd be. (Please keep reading here) Then once he agreed to "follow yourdream / passion, you're upset about him investing in the future of your family by bettering himself...oh yes, you characterized him as being lazy and not bettering himself initially. I totally agree with you about the fact that he handled the investment very poorly to say the least however, have you attempted to take some of the emotion out of the situation and ask him beyond the fact of getting a better job, what was he looking to accomplish (was it security for the family, repay some loans, etc)

 

Is part of your frustration the fact that the legal world hasn't panned out the way you thought it would and the sabbatical was an escape from a misadventure? I am not judging just asking questions that I would hope someone might ask me. Are you the type of person that your husband could have come to you and said that he had experienced a change of heart and felt the wiser thing here is to reinvest in a career or would he have been met with the same response as he is getting now?

 

One last thing, so, you're married and your questioning your marriage over a 5 month vacation? It looks like it is something much deeper....maybe you had some sense of entitlement here. Once again, he blew the management of spending the money without discussing it with you first however, honestly, would it have made any difference????

 

Please think about it.....

[Satu]

Hi there

yes he should let my goals and priorities eclipse his because he made a vow to me, to do everything he can to make me happy. And I made a vow to him. He promised me he would travel with me, it was agreed between us and planned. He broke that promise. I have never hurt him the way he has hurt me with this. I supported him through his career changes, even helped him get his career change going with contacts, research and helping him through courses he needed to improve his skills before launching his career in IT. I did all this at a sacrifice of myself. I took time out of my own to help him launch a career that he had no experience or skills in. I think when you get married, you do things for each other. You make sacrifices for each other, because those sacrifices can make all the difference to the other's happiness. Of course, you cant sacrifice all the time for each other, otherwise you will be left with nothing for yourself. His "sacrifice" of taking a few months out of his career for me, us, would have done no damage to his career at all. He has only gone and affected my 5 months out by destroying all my plans and having me endure his complete bliss in his new job. He has completely put his happiness first, at my expense. That is wrong. That is selfish. This is not about my "own power". This is about my husband lying to me, disappointing me to the extreme and ruining 5 months of my life that i will never ever get back.

 

I understand what you're saying, but you still have to take responsibility for your own feelings.

 

Only you can sort yourself out.

[ambreen84]

ambreen84....wow where to start....

 

One thing I would start with is to look at your posts and count the "me's, my's, I's......

 

Reading your first post, you speak of how he supported you and himself while you went to school to chase your dream, turns out once you found it....it isn't all you thought it'd be. (Please keep reading here) Then once he agreed to "follow yourdream / passion, you're upset about him investing in the future of your family by bettering himself...oh yes, you characterized him as being lazy and not bettering himself initially. I totally agree with you about the fact that he handled the investment very poorly to say the least however, have you attempted to take some of the emotion out of the situation and ask him beyond the fact of getting a better job, what was he looking to accomplish (was it security for the family, repay some loans, etc)

 

Is part of your frustration the fact that the legal world hasn't panned out the way you thought it would and the sabbatical was an escape from a misadventure? I am not judging just asking questions that I would hope someone might ask me. Are you the type of person that your husband could have come to you and said that he had experienced a change of heart and felt the wiser thing here is to reinvest in a career or would he have been met with the same response as he is getting now?

 

One last thing, so, you're married and your questioning your marriage over a 5 month vacation? It looks like it is something much deeper....maybe you had some sense of entitlement here. Once again, he blew the management of spending the money without discussing it with you first however, honestly, would it have made any difference????

 

Please think about it.....

 

Hi there, thanks for your response.

In terms of me saying my husband was lazy, that was in reference to him not getting a good class/grade for his degree. He completed his degree about 6 months before he met me. He is very smart, and he feels that he could have done better for his degree; he was younger then and didnt take his studies as seriously. I agree with him. He could have done better because he is very intelligent.

 

He told me that he had a change of heart because he wanted to work for the company he is working for now. I dont mind that he is working for this company, it is great that he is. But the fact is, he got the job while he was supposedly saving for our travel. This new job started 3 months after his previous job, leaving him with 3 months off between jobs. I didn;t say to him or in this thread that I didn't want him to not take the job at all. What I meant to say (but clearly didnt say very well) was that we initially planned to go away for 5 months (this was whilst he was in his old job). In the middle of the travel planning, he got the new job which I knew about, this was great news, but he told me that the new job wanted him to start in the middle of our travel plans. This meant that the travel would have to be cut down from 5 months to 3 months. I wasnt thrilled about this but agreed 3 months is better than nothing. He decided within himself to end one job for another and decided for himself that he would start the new job when the new job wanted him to... which cut into my travel plans of 5 months. i agreed to this, as I said, 3 months away is better than nothing. What then happened was that in the lead up to packing, my husband then told me he had no money for the 3 month, let alone the initial 5 month trip. It was then that he told me he had used it for courses, career related things to improve his skills. It wasnt for the job he applied for per se, but for the fact that he just wanted to do that. In the meantime, when I didnt know he had been spending his money, I was saving up and had handed in notice at my own job. So basically, my husnand had a 3 month break between jobs, whilst I didnt get the break I needed.

 

My husband was not looking for security or to better his family. He did it because he is selfish. Yes, he had supported us whilst I was studying, but I did all the housework at that time and paid my own expenses such as university fees and my own things. When my husband decided to change his career, I fully supported him. This was 1.5 years ago - i funded 100% of everything he needed, let alone have him in touch with the contacts he needed. I made his path towards his career easier and smoother. So whilst you are thinking my husband supported me during my studies, I also did the same for him. My husband and I do not have a problem with that support we gave each other back then, that is not something we have a problem with.

 

The issue has come up that I planned some time out of my life this last year, which he wanted to join me in. He wanted to share the travels with me and he wanted us to travel as it could be the only chance we get to do something like this. He then did a U-turn and did not consult me about any of it.

 

Yes, I believe I am the type of person my husband can come to. I know I am a lawyer and I am sounding quite sure of myself in my responses, but please dont judge stereotype me because i am a strong woman... my husband is a very confident man who is very intelligent, not a puny man lacking self-esteem.

 

Yes i do feel entitled to our 3 or 5 month of travel because he agreed to it and i planned it over a year and worked for it. He also gave me the impression that he was in on it too. He also had a break in that time anyway (of 3 months) and it was not disrupting him getting the job he wanted. He just decided to blow away all his savings on things to do with his career because..... well, after having to explain myself several times on here to most people on here, I am realising that he just didnt care that I needed to get away from life.

[preraph]

Indeed, it sounds like you are not ready to settle down, so if I were you, I'd forget about kids because if you feel trapped now, just wait. Your communication with him should have prevented you finding out at the last minute he wasn't going on the trip. If this is the thing that drives you, then you should do it, but you may have to do it alone.

 

The flip side of this is when two people are trying to get their lives in order and careers going full-swing, travel is just an extravagance. You really can't do it all at the same time. You need to decide to get the traveling out of your system and postpone the career or decide to get that career going. And again, he may not be at all understanding if you decide to just go traveling, and there's no reason he should have to finance that, so you're going to have to keep some sort of job, and most jobs don't allow you enough time off to travel extensively, but maybe you can find one that does let you travel, though travel for work is a far cry from travel for pleasure. I, for instance, detest business travel but love recreational travel. Good luck.

[ambreen84]

I understand what you're saying, but you still have to take responsibility for your own feelings.

 

Only you can sort yourself out.

 

Thank you. You are right about that.

[ambreen84]

Indeed, it sounds like you are not ready to settle down, so if I were you, I'd forget about kids because if you feel trapped now, just wait. Your communication with him should have prevented you finding out at the last minute he wasn't going on the trip. If this is the thing that drives you, then you should do it, but you may have to do it alone.

 

The flip side of this is when two people are trying to get their lives in order and careers going full-swing, travel is just an extravagance. You really can't do it all at the same time. You need to decide to get the traveling out of your system and postpone the career or decide to get that career going. And again, he may not be at all understanding if you decide to just go traveling, and there's no reason he should have to finance that, so you're going to have to keep some sort of job, and most jobs don't allow you enough time off to travel extensively, but maybe you can find one that does let you travel, though travel for work is a far cry from travel for pleasure. I, for instance, detest business travel but love recreational travel. Good luck.

 

I cant disagree with you on this entirely I agree with "You really can't do it all at the same time. You need to decide to get the traveling out of your system and postpone the career or decide to get that career going."

 

But I dont believe travelling is an extravagance. Travel is important. Travel is one thing you can spend some money on that definetly makes you richer in life, in a way that a well paid job can't. These days you can travel quite cheaply if you are willing to sacrifice some comfort. The itch to travel has been with me for a long time. A week once a year is not enough for me. It is enough for others, but it isnt for me.

 

But you are right, it is something i will need to get out of my system...

[big dog]

You seem to be super selfish ... everything in your life is about nothing but you... you say he promised to do everything possible to make you happy. Did you not promise that to him as well ?? Sounds like it's all about you.....and only you. You need to stop & think. And if you're only 31 there's plenty of time to travel etc.... but I have a feeling that wouldn't satisfy you for very long either. We all have "itches" .... all through life. But we have to be reasonable about scratching 'em..

[GunslingerRoland]

You have the wrong end of this. The OP has said nothing about keeping up with anyone. She was under the impression her husband shared the same goal.

 

Maybe its your social circle or generation but talking a few months off to travel is not unheard of. Not everyone does a gap year - sometimes they travel later.

 

the UK to france is an hours flight that you can get for $60 each way with a low cost airline. It isn't exactly elite class expectations. I can get from Australia to the US for $1000 return. Not exactly comparing myself with an elitist class.

 

OP, I think this highlights some expectation gaps and counselling is probably the best option.

 

Maybe I misread the post but I don't think she was ever under the impression that her husband shared this goal. She said herself that she expects her husband to make her happy.

 

And she specifically said that she is jealous that other people she knows go on more vacation than her.

 

Wow, I honestly didn't realize there were places where flights are that cheap. I can't get a bus ride to the next city over for $60 anymore, let alone a flight for under $200.

 

But there is a lot more to a vacation than just the flight. 5 months off work doesn't stop your expenses at home. You still have to pay your rent and your car payments. Sometimes you can't even stop gym memberships and cell phone plans and cable bills. You still have to pay your insurance and probably a number of other things I haven't thought of. Then you have your expenses at the place.

[GunslingerRoland]

To me there are only 3 real possibilities:

 

#1) Your husband had no interest in the trip and went out of his way to sabotage it. This could be for a lot of reasons, he may be scared to take a trip like that, he may be scared of what it'll do to his career, he may be scared of the cost or he may just not want to spend months on that sort of a trip.

 

#2) He couldn't afford to save up as much money as you were expecting him too and has made up this course thing as an excuse. Again I'm confused because you say it's not much money at all, but if it's enough to derail your trip, you obviously aren't talking about a few thousand dollars you could have put on a credit card either. The underlying message I got from your thread was that your husband doesn't provide you with the lifestyle you want.

 

#3) Related to #2, his spending is out of control and he was trying to hide the fact he couldn't save up enough money for the second one.

 

Again the underlying message in your thread was that with your separate accounts, you don't feel like he pulls his weight. Clearly he has a good job, but you didn't mention anything about his spending either, so I'm not totally sure what the issue is.