Never had a flatmate - how to act?

[Eternal Sunshine]

My lease was ending and I recently made a decision to look for a shared place. I only wanted to live with 1 other person and in a fairly nice place as money is not an issue. My main motivation is to push myself outside of my comfort zone as I tend to withdraw and become a hermit if I have that option.

 

I looked up some ads and saw about 5 places until I found a really nice apartment. River front, beautiful views, huge rooftop pool, huge fully equipped gym, all in glass, just amazing and a good deal price-wise. I also felt really comfortable with a guy that lives there. He is an engineer, late 20s, metrosexual (possibly gay ). Anyhow, he messaged me the next day and said that he felt the best "vibe" with me (out of other people that saw the place) and that the place is mine if I want it.

 

Long story short, I am moving in this weekend. He offered to help me move and seems very friendly and nice in general. He commented a few times how he feels that the place is huge and it feels empty so he can't wait for me to move in.

 

I have only ever lived with parents and a boyfriend, never with flatmates. I am not sure what's expected of me.

 

For example:

 

When I get home from work, am I expected to hang out in the living room with him? Is it rude if I just go to my room? Am I expected to offer to cook for 2 now?

 

In general I am not sure of what level of friendship is the norm for this type of setup...

[Haydn]

You don`t have to cook etc! You are paying rent. You have no obligation to hang around with him unless you want to of course. (you could become friends in time)

 

Sounds like a lovely place from how you described it.

 

Can be fun but also a lot of compromise sometimes...(Your friends coming over, his friends)

 

 

Enjoy it.

[Els]

I've lived with flatmates several times - the 'rules' really just depend on the sort of people both of you are, and your relationship beforehand. Some flatmates hang out in the living room all the time and cook for each other, but those are usually gregarious people who might have known each other beforehand so their flatmates are actually their friends. On the other hand some flatmates are really just people coexisting in a house who don't spend all that much time together.

 

As long as you pay the rent and bills on time, chip in with the cleaning, and are considerate with noise etc, you can do whatever suits you best. I'm a huge introvert and can't bear the thought of having to socialize at home in addition to outside, so I spent most of my time in my room and made my own meals. I did attend stuff like the occasional dinner or outing with flatmates that I was invited to, but that didn't happen very often. Never had any complaints, in fact I heard my flatmates liked that they always had the living room to themselves.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Elswyth

[veggirl]

I hated the one time I had a real roommate. She wanted to hang out all the time, seemed jealous when I had people over, etc. It was so annoying. I pretty much hung out in my room as much as possible. If I wanted to watch a show, I did so in my room unless she wasn't home.

 

You def do not have to offer him your food lol. Of course if you want to that's cool but no don't feel obligated.

 

I've known people who were bff with their roommate and then I've known lots and lots who ended up hating their roommate. I personally had a bad experience and that's why I never repeated it

[Kamille]

I've had many roommates and each situation was different - but there were a few commonalities between each.

 

1. Sharing food: with most roommates, we would share condiments (Ketshup, etc) and nothing else. The arrangement I liked best for it is that we would each have our shelves in the fridge and pantry and then "share shelves" where we put what we didn't mind sharing.

 

2. Common areas: with most roommates we would have a bit of small talk every day if we ran into each other in a common area. With most, we also would share a meal about once a week or once every other week - in the "hey I made a huge dish of mac and cheese. You're welcome to join me for dinner if you want." I cook a lot so my rule was: if I monopolize the kitchen for more than half an hour, I'm inviting them to eat with me.

 

3. Having friends over: this depends on the way the apartment is set up and how social the both of you are. If there is more than one common area, you're usually free to invite whoever you want within reasonable times. If there is only one common area where you can entertain guests, it's a good idea to give your roommate a heads up that you are thinking of having people over. Of course, this will depend on yours and his style. If you're both very social and like having people around, you likely don't need to notify your roommate. If one of you is more like me and loves quiet nights at home, it's okay to ask for notice that guests will be over.

 

4. As a best practice: never let any issue boil up. If your roommate does something that bothers you (within reason), mention it as soon as possible. It's kind of the same thing as with relationships. You just don't want to let anything fester. You're paying rent and it's your place too. It doesn't mean your roommate is obligated to do everything your way, but it's good to raise issues as things for which there could be a solution. For instance, if your roommate never empties the dishwasher, you can tell them you feel like you're always emptying the dishwasher. (IME, the best solution to those kinds of blind spots is to trade a task for a task: I won't mind emptying the dishwasher most of the time if you clean the washroom).

 

5. It's totally okay to spend most of the time in your room if that's how you're comfortable. It's important to have a place that feels like home, so, in the end, what matters most is to do things in a way where you feel comfortable.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's up to you. I had a lot of different roommates in college, and it was all over the map. Some of them I rarely saw or interacted with, due to opposite schedules and not much of a connection. Others became friends, and we'd sometimes do things together at home, like watching movies, cooking, throwing parties, and even going out now and then.

 

Anytime I was planning to cook for myself, I'd invite my roommate(s) to share. My favorite setup was when somebody cooked just about every night so we always had good food in the house.

 

It sounds like he's feeling kind of isolated in his big place and is hoping to be friends. I've found that male roommates are more likely to be messy, but there's generally less drama and they're easy to get along with in a roommate situation.

[GemmaUK]

I've had several lodgers.

On occasions we'd cook together or share food but mostly not.

 

 

A couple of my lodgers were room dwellers but most were room and social too as was I.

It can be pretty good to have an on hand friend around who at the drop of a hat you can go grab a beer and some food with.

 

Sounds like a really nice place and a good guy who would like some company now and then.

My fave lodgers were both guys, one was married, from the Philippines and sending money back to his family.

The other fave was gay and had a bf - they were the loveliest and funniest couple and we're still friends now some 6 years later.

 

I've had some amazing lodgers and some horrific ones - but that is a whole other story..

[basil67]

I've cooked and shared food with some flatmates but not others. There's no rule - just ask his preference.

 

When you get in from work, if he's home just greet him in a friendly manner. If a conversation happens, stay with it for as long as you like. Or if you want time alone, that's cool too.

 

The only standard rules with flatmates are to keep common areas tidy and respect each other.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks everyone.

 

Last night I was like "wtf am I doing". I have only made a commitment to 3 months so I am sure I will survive. Moving is a hassle but I only really have clothes in this city so not a huge issue. Side benefit - I am going to save heaps of money

 

He asked me to sign a "flatmate agreement" last night which is a bit weird I guess The rules were things like: don't have people sleeping over for more than 2 consecutive nights, no illegal drugs to be consumed on the premisses, house parties need approval of both of us, bills paid 1 week after the notice, common areas are shared 50/50 etc. All of the things suited me so no big deal, although I would never think of making that contract.

[SpiralOut]

Contracts are normal and are actually a good idea because right away the most important rules are put into place. It's also good that the rules are on paper; this way neither one of you can claim that you never agreed to a certain rule. It can prevent all sorts of future problems.

[GemmaUK]

A contract like that is pretty standard these days and it's better to have one than not.

I never laid anything out quite like that - I wish I had..

[veggirl]

I would never think of a contract and I'd feel awkward approaching someone with one, but I think it's a great idea. It sounds like he is planning on doing his thing and you do yours.

 

I remember when my roommate went to jail for a week because she got a DUI...best week I ever lived with her

 

The idea of separate shelves for food is a great one!

[ASG]

In my houseshare (there's 4 of us), we each have a shelf in the fridge and a cupboard in the kitchen for food.

 

We share condiments and things like that, and sometimes we share meals (usually if we were out drinking and came home starving and decide to whip something up).

 

If someone is having friends over we warn the other housemates. GF/BF are allowed at all times and no one had ever taken the piss of having the bf/gf LIVE here.

 

We've never signed anything agreement, but if one was presented to me, I would sign it! I think it's a great idea.

[Tayla]

Thanks everyone.

 

Last night I was like "wtf am I doing". I have only made a commitment to 3 months so I am sure I will survive. Moving is a hassle but I only really have clothes in this city so not a huge issue. Side benefit - I am going to save heaps of money

 

He asked me to sign a "flatmate agreement" last night which is a bit weird I guess The rules were things like: don't have people sleeping over for more than 2 consecutive nights, no illegal drugs to be consumed on the premisses, house parties need approval of both of us, bills paid 1 week after the notice, common areas are shared 50/50 etc. All of the things suited me so no big deal, although I would never think of making that contract.

 

What a nice step outside the norm! Yes contracts are acceptable and the rules are standard. Call it being responsible to the abode. It sounds like being respecting is key. You are new to abode sharing so its natural for you to question contracts. Its what happens to keep peace should the verbal statements not work. You'd be amazed how some adults are not as good as their word.

Enjoy this experience!

[minimariah]

well... in the beginning, i think it's normal that people keep to themselves. and no, it's not rude at all. with time, i usually developed really good friendships with most of my flatmates so if i'd go to the store, i'd always ask my flatmate if she needed anything & she would do the same for me. i had those flatmates i just didn't click with and no friendship was developed at all - we kept it civil and i never really offered to cook or get something for them, same goes for them.

 

what worked for me was being open and setting up rules. i'd sit down with my flatmates and tell them my expectations. for example, food. i had a phase of being vegan and had a flatmate who ate everything. so he'd ocassionally eat my food, too - which i didn't mind - BUT it left me with no food because i couldn't eat any of his stuff. so we had like fridge rearranged - the top two shelves for mine only, others were his. of course, if he took something from me or i from him... it's not the end of the world, but we were respective of each other's boundaries.

 

one thing i had a problem with so i'll give you a heads up for that - i once lived with a flatmate who had s longterm boyfriend. and over time, this boyfriend started spending muuuch more time with us, in our apartment, spending the water and electricity we pay for, eating food we pay for and etc. our expenses got up and we had pay more rven though we basically had a third flatmate who was living off of us for free! i complained about it to my flatmate, she got offended and i moved out.

 

so it would be a good idea for you to sit down and kind of see what your expectations are. who pays for what and how, what food do you eat, who does which chores and how often etc.

 

otherwise, just go with the flow.

 

p.s. just saw the post with flatmate agreement! i think that was cool, very Sheldon & Leonard (lol) and you probably won't have any issues living with him.

[GemmaUK]

The thing is that with that contract you can be pretty sure that:

A. He has house shared before so knows how it can be.

B. He adheres to those same rules himself.

 

You'll be fine, just be tidy and respectful and not worried to ask when you find there is a question.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This was such a mistake

 

There are already issues and I can't wait until 3 months lease is up (thank God I didn't commit to more!) so that I can find a place by myself again. WTF was I thinking? Living with a complete stranger is SO awkward in every way.

 

I just need to detach and ride this out.

[Els]

What's the issue?

[Ruby Slippers]

This was such a mistake

 

There are already issues and I can't wait until 3 months lease is up (thank God I didn't commit to more!) so that I can find a place by myself again. WTF was I thinking? Living with a complete stranger is SO awkward in every way.

 

I just need to detach and ride this out.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's always weird at first. I imagine if you're very used to living alone, it's even weirder. But men are pretty easy to live with in general, if you can get yourself to relax into the situation.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry to hear this. What's going on?