My gf was sexually abused

[msir]

I have been in relationship with my gf for about 4 months. everything is going fine..She is 38 we are both divorced... I had just feeling she is not that opened and bit reluctant.. she is having shy personality so I thought that's why... our sexual life is very good she is enjoying sex , being active no problems here... JUST she didn't do oral sex...shetried once for few seconds.... I didn't think anything bad . .I know some girls doesn't like it and as "normal" sex is very good.. it wasn't big deal for me....

One night she told me she needs to tell me something.. we were in dark room , she was shaking , barely could speak... she told me she has one bad experience - she was forced to oral sex , she started to cry telling she needs time to get over it , she was kinda apologizing... I don't know details . .when , how ... I told her I appreciate she shares this and iam happy with her and iam enjoying sex with her ..After this we had sex few time everything was great (no oral sex of course) ... However I have problems to accept this... sometimes bad thoughts come to my mind... like she is bad person also I was thinking also to break up with her because of this... I picture whole thing how it could happen .. sometime I stare at her lips thinking about this... I don't know what to do to get over this.. Maybe helps if I know more about what happened to understand it... Shall I talk to her about this than close it?? any advices ??thanks a lot

Edited August 17, 2015 by msir

[BlueIris]

Many many people have been sexually abused- men and women. I’ve known many abused women AND men. They’re not bad people. The people who abused them are bad people. Just realize that shaming and stigmatizing abuse victims is a technique used to make them shut up and to protect abusers, so don’t buy into it.

[Timshel]

I have been in relationship with my gf for about 4 months. everything is going fine..She is 38 we are both divorced... I had just feeling she is not that opened and bit reluctant.. she is having shy personality so I thought that's why... our sexual life is very good she is enjoying sex , being active no problems here... JUST she didn't do oral sex...shetried once for few seconds.... I didn't think anything bad . .I know some girls doesn't like it and as "normal" sex is very good.. it wasn't big deal for me....

One night she told me she needs to tell me something.. we were in dark room , she was shaking , barely could speak... she told me she has one bad experience - she was forced to oral sex , she started to cry telling she needs time to get over it , she was kinda apologizing... I don't know details . .when , how ... I told her I appreciate she shares this and iam happy with her and iam enjoying sex with her ..After this we had sex few time everything was great (no oral sex of course) ... However I have problems to accept this... sometimes bad thoughts come to my mind... like she is bad person also I was thinking also to break up with her because of this... I picture whole thing how it could happen .. sometime I stare at her lips thinking about this... I don't know what to do to get over this.. Maybe helps if I know more about what happened to understand it... Shall I talk to her about this than close it?? any advices ??thanks a lot[/QUOTE]

 

Many people have been sexually abused/assaulted. Girls and boys/women and men. Women are more likely to experience sexual abuse and more likely to report to someone close to them that they have been. Men/boys are also sexually abused but less likely to talk about it.

 

Your gf told you that she has been abused/assaulted because she wants to trust you and she wants to tell someone. You may be the first person that she has told this secret.

 

Is it possible for her to attend counseling with a therapist to help her work through the pain of the assault she suffered? Please encourage her to go to counseling, if she is financially able.

 

As her bf please know that nothing that happened to her was her choice. She was physically and violently hurt. Sexual abuse is an act of violence and cruelty. She had no power and was hurt and afraid.

 

Do your best to be kind, patient and loving. Stop sex for a while if needed. If you care for her, then be her protector and help her to feel safe.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

At least 1/3rd of women have been sexually abused to some degree, usually by a male. All you can do is be supportive & understanding.

[Poppyolive]

I wonder why you feel this way about her, now that you know? I wonder why you would want to break up with her, knowing she was abused once? Why does it make you feel like this? In a sense you are victim blaming.

 

There are many survivors of sexual abuse, I applaud her courage to tell you. Obviously it is a huge deal to her, and still is. She was shaking and waited to tell you in the dark. She's working through a lot right now, being in a new relationship with you. It is about her, not you. She will speak about it when it feels right for her, not because you want to know, because of how you feel.

 

She needs love and support right now, if you can't give that, allow her to find that with someone else. Someone who accepts her completely.

 

The abuse was not her fault.

[deadelvis]

To judge or think less of someone for being sexually assaulted is pretty ****ed up. Please tell me that's not what you are saying... I can't imagine how scarring it would be to have your partner look at you as "damaged" because you were sexually assaulted. That hurts me inside to even think about it.

[TaraMaiden2]

This is the second thread to appear, by an OP who thinks less of their GF because of an assault perpetrated on her by other men.

 

I'm actually finding it really difficult to get my head round these judgemental, critical punitive attitudes, and cannot for the life of me even begin to understand how men can feel so condemnatory about the women they should be loving, comforting, supporting and understanding.

 

Please do her a favour and break off with her.

She already feels degraded, disgusted and upset enough over the incident without you discriminating and judging her over something she was forced to do.

 

Your comments are dreadfully unfair and hurtful, and she deserves to be with someone who will support and care for her gently, not give his imagination free rein to her disadvantage.

[Lokin4AReason]

its a fine line w/ people that have been thru an ordeal like this. they tend to be shy and always having their guard up. so be careful and be sincere ( and its great that she has told you this. it takes a lot for them to do so IMO ) ...

 

lots of time(s) they think that they have done something wrong, but the truth is, they didn't ( its the person that abuse them that has done something wrong ). and these people ( will always think back and have like so called flash backs of those dark times ) at when something similar occurs ..

 

each person and each event is unique. so what do you do ( and I am not saying that you are ), just don't judge them. because they are trying to live a normal and positive life .... and negativity doesn't help out w/ it =0/

[Hawaii51]

This is the second thread to appear, by an OP who thinks less of their GF because of an assault perpetrated on her by other men.

 

I'm actually finding it really difficult to get my head round these judgemental, critical punitive attitudes, and cannot for the life of me even begin to understand how men can feel so condemnatory about the women they should be loving, comforting, supporting and understanding.

 

Please do her a favour and break off with her.

She already feels degraded, disgusted and upset enough over the incident without you discriminating and judging her over something she was forced to do.

 

Your comments are dreadfully unfair and hurtful, and she deserves to be with someone who will support and care for her gently, not give his imagination free rein to her disadvantage.

 

You're right, I've noticed it here a couple times recently, which is weird cause I a close friend who has had a situation (they're still together and getting married soon). He could only explain it as "hate" for the person who did it and a feeling of naivety/stupidity on the woman's part for being in the situation. And, basically, those feelings he felt for the guy would leak over into his feelings for her.

 

>>>>Don't kill the messenger, his words- not mine<<<<<<

 

I get it, but I don't get it. I dunno.

[pteromom]

Only continue this relationship if you are able to accept never having oral sex. It may be that she gets to a place where she can try, but when/if it happens, it will be on HER terms.

 

Only continue this relationship if you can understand that the abuse was not her choice, and she is not a bad person. She is a victim.

 

Only continue this relationship if you can accept her definition of what happened to her. Why do you need more information? Are you doubting what she told you? Is her explanation that she was forced to give oral and now giving it is difficult for her not enough for you?

 

Only continue this relationship if when this incident crosses your mind when you look at her lips, you are filled with anger toward the man who did this to her, and are filled with empathy and caring toward her.

 

If you can't be understanding, you are not the guy for her.

[writergal]

I think you should break up with your girlfriend based on the fact that you don't respect her for having been sexually abused.

 

A woman doesn't have to have a sexual abuse history to be a bad lover and bad girlfriend, either.

 

A woman can be a sl*t with multiple men, yet she's not viewed with the same repugnance that a woman who's been raped. I wonder why that is.

 

 

If you would rather be with a woman who has never been raped or assaulted by a man, that is your personal preference. Because if it bothers you, then I don't see the point of you continuing to date her.

 

A woman's worth should not be based on her sexual past alone, but on her entire personal history. Many women who have been raped never recover from that trauma and are unable to have a successful, healthy relationship with a man. But that's not all women.

 

If you care enough about your girlfriend of 4 months, then her admission of her past sexual abuse should draw you two closer together, not farther apart.

 

But if it pulls you two apart -- it is because you do not accept your girlfriend as a whole woman; but as a woman who has been irrevocably damaged which brings you shame as a man. And that's where the disrespect develops from. Just my two cents.

 

 

 

 

I have been in relationship with my gf for about 4 months. everything is going fine..She is 38 we are both divorced... I had just feeling she is not that opened and bit reluctant.. she is having shy personality so I thought that's why... our sexual life is very good she is enjoying sex , being active no problems here... JUST she didn't do oral sex...shetried once for few seconds.... I didn't think anything bad . .I know some girls doesn't like it and as "normal" sex is very good.. it wasn't big deal for me....

One night she told me she needs to tell me something.. we were in dark room , she was shaking , barely could speak... she told me she has one bad experience - she was forced to oral sex , she started to cry telling she needs time to get over it , she was kinda apologizing... I don't know details . .when , how ... I told her I appreciate she shares this and iam happy with her and iam enjoying sex with her ..After this we had sex few time everything was great (no oral sex of course) ... However I have problems to accept this... sometimes bad thoughts come to my mind... like she is bad person also I was thinking also to break up with her because of this... I picture whole thing how it could happen .. sometime I stare at her lips thinking about this... I don't know what to do to get over this.. Maybe helps if I know more about what happened to understand it... Shall I talk to her about this than close it?? any advices ??thanks a lot

[Quiet Storm]

If it changes your perception of her, makes you lose respect for her or turns you off- let her go. The truth is, you may not be emotionally mature enough to accept this. It's okay to admit that and break up so that she can find someone who can love and accept her 100%. What's not okay is if you treat her differently or look down on her because of this. It wasn't her fault and she trusted you enough to confide in you. If you love her, try to resolve this inner conflict, maybe see a counselor for direction. However, if you are unable to get over it, please don't stay with her while you judge her or blame her. That's not fair to her.

[Gloria25]

I say proceed with caution...

 

I mean, no oral sex is no big - but gotta be careful here. Be supportive all you want, but unfortunately sexual abuse is something tied into someone's "core".

 

Some people get treatment/therapy needed, dealt with it and/or moved on to healthy and normal lives. They may even become advocates for changes in laws, a motivational/educational speaker for victims of abuse.

 

But....

 

Others turn inward. They succumb to drugs, alcohol and/or other sexual/promiscuous activities to numb the pain, not feel, self-hatred and/or to just live out the abuse that they were turned to see as "normal".

 

And...

 

Some, they burry it and get married and use their SO as their whipping boy/gal....to let out all their anger and frustration that they never could against the abuser. I hear the calls all the time on my fav podcaster's show.

 

So, you have a right to be concerned here... I just say proceed with caution and if you decide to marry her one day? Wait 2 - 3 years before you have kids and when you do have a kid, have "1" and see how it goes. Cuz trust me, some of these people have unresolved issues and you do not want to be trapped into a marriage and/or bring kids into that mess.

[autumnnight]

I say proceed with caution...

 

I mean, no oral sex is no big - but gotta be careful here. Be supportive all you want, but unfortunately sexual abuse is something tied into someone's "core".

 

Some people get treatment/therapy needed, dealt with it and/or moved on to healthy and normal lives. They may even become advocates for changes in laws, a motivational/educational speaker for victims of abuse.

 

But....

 

Others turn inward. They succumb to drugs, alcohol and/or other sexual/promiscuous activities to numb the pain, not feel, self-hatred and/or to just live out the abuse that they were turned to see as "normal".

 

And...

 

Some, they burry it and get married and use their SO as their whipping boy/gal....to let out all their anger and frustration that they never could against the abuser. I hear the calls all the time on my fav podcaster's show.

 

So, you have a right to be concerned here... I just say proceed with caution and if you decide to marry her one day? Wait 2 - 3 years before you have kids and when you do have a kid, have "1" and see how it goes. Cuz trust me, some of these people have unresolved issues and you do not want to be trapped into a marriage and/or bring kids into that mess.

 

As a CSA survivor, I find this sickeningly offensive and insensitive.

[PaintsandFlowers]

I applaud your GF for having the strength and courage to share a difficult part of herself and her past with you. And if this is how you think about her, leave her. She probably has enough shame and self hatred from the abuse, she doesn't need it from you. What she needs is a supportive, loving, partner not someone who is clearly judging her and her experiences. I'm a survivor of CSA and people who think like you and act like you do are what made me so scared to try to have a relationship. Do her a favor, leave her alone and get some therapy for yourself.

Edited August 18, 2015 by PaintsandFlowers

[Timshel]

As a CSA survivor, I find this sickeningly offensive and insensitive.

 

"Forgiveness is a core of Biblical Christianity. Christ died to facilitate it and without it, the Cross was pointless. To say there should be no forgiveness is to say there should have been no Calvary."

 

I agree but hurt people hurt people.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why don't you just call her a bunch of vulgar names, tell her she no damn good, worthless and walk away.

 

Seems you cant get it through your thick head that she didn't have a intimate evening with her abuser but a terrible frightening night with a rapist through no fault of her own and you can't see that.

 

I don't know how old you are but your not old enough to be in any relationship because in relationships there has to be give and take and you have it in your mind that she was having the time of her life and making it out like she's at a party.

 

Do the girl a favor and let her find a better man.

[Gloria25]

"Forgiveness is a core of Biblical Christianity. Christ died to facilitate it and without it, the Cross was pointless. To say there should be no forgiveness is to say there should have been no Calvary."

 

I agree but hurt people hurt people.

 

For one, the people who call into my fav podcaster are not actors and/or doing it for sport...

 

And, ask my last FWB, who spent over a decade trying to "fix" his wife and put up with verbal abuse and lack of sexual and/or emotional attention from her for over a decade.

 

I was clear in my post and even applaud people who take steps to heal and move on, but fact is some people don't want to move on...sexual and/or any other abuse.

 

To label the OP and/or other as "insensitive" and/or "cruel", "insulting", "offensive" for stating facts ridiculous.

 

Pedophiles are often victims of sexual abuse and yes, some move on to abuse others. Would you marry someone and risk your kid "in hopes" they don't molest your kid?

 

No, topics like this aren't pretty, but must be discussed w/o labeling a "fact" as insensitivity and/or an offense.

 

And one woman who called my fav podcaster? I applaud her cuz she admitted that before marriage, she was sexual, but now was dredging up her childhood and she didn't believe her husband deserved a cold shoulder and was seeking help. My fav podcaster reminded her that she was safe and to turn to her husband instead of away from him and the young woman was so happy she called. So pleeze, "fact" is, the OP should be aware of the truth that some people cannot move past their abuse. He is not her therapist and he's not qualified and/or responsible for herself and her mental health. He'd be a fool to just think hugs and support will make everything all better.

[Gloria25]

Also, sexual abuse or any other mental issues does not give the OP's gf or anyone the "right" to demand someone date and/or marry them and put up with their issues.

 

We all have a responsibility to bring our "best selves" to a RL.

 

If you have hang-ups about sex and/or were abused, you have a responsibility to get yourself healthy, THEN date when you are healthy again.

 

Relationships are about giving to each other. For me to tell my SO that sex is gonna stop cuz I am reliving childhood abuse is not right and/or fair.

 

To use a comparison, let's say you have debt. You can't get married and hide your debt then be like, 'oh, now that we're man/wife, you must take on my debt and if you don't you don't love me'...that's a "bait and switch", selfish, and abusive to your SO. Fix your finances before getting married...fix your mental health before dating and/or marrying.

[Timshel]

I think you should break up with your girlfriend based on the fact that you don't respect her for having been sexually abused.

 

A woman doesn't have to have a sexual abuse history to be a bad lover and bad girlfriend, either.

 

A woman can be a sl*t with multiple men, yet she's not viewed with the same repugnance that a woman who's been raped. I wonder why that is.

 

If you would rather be with a woman who has never been raped or assaulted by a man, that is your personal preference. Because if it bothers you, then I don't see the point of you continuing to date her.

 

A woman's worth should not be based on her sexual past alone, but on her entire personal history. Many women who have been raped never recover from that trauma and are unable to have a successful, healthy relationship with a man. But that's not all women.

 

If you care enough about your girlfriend of 4 months, then her admission of her past sexual abuse should draw you two closer together, not farther apart.

 

But if it pulls you two apart -- it is because you do not accept your girlfriend as a whole woman; but as a woman who has been irrevocably damaged which brings you shame as a man. And that's where the disrespect develops from. Just my two cents.

 

There is a language barrier.

 

I have been raped. This man, ignorant as he is, came seeking advice.

 

Either love, protect and help or walk away. She has no need for victim blaming or judgment OP. You have no knowledge of rape and if you see her for less to have survived the pain of violence.....leave little fellow. Find yourself a 'virgin.'

[Timshel]

Gloria may not show a lot of tact in this thread, but there is some truth to what she is saying, even if some may find it to be an uncomfortable truth. I have dated a few women who had been sexually abused, assaulted, and/or raped. Some of those women go on with their lives rather well, and you'd never know anything like that had ever happened to them. Others bring that pain with them everywhere they go, in whatever they do, for the rest of their lives.

 

It's not that they are bad people, but the emotional impact that event had on their lives may very well affect your relationship in a negative way.

 

Enigma, too many, way too many. You have a point, many women who have been assaulted carry on, what else would they do? Give up, quit?

 

I have never been around any women who have not been sexually assaulted. High school, college....beyond. Then there is childhood. Dude, pretty much every woman you know has had an experience, ask. Ask your mother, sister, cousins, co-workers, friends. No offense but if you think a woman you care about has not been sexually abused in some way.....lala land.

 

So you are saying that some chicks carry that on their sleeves and some don't?

 

Yes, that is a true assessment.

[msir]

thanks guys for your replies.. I supported her as much as i can... yes , inside me, i have mixed feeling about this and I know its not OK.. thats why I asked this question.. i just need help to get over it.. i dont have anyone to talk about this (and i dont want to share it)

[Hawaii51]

Point is **** happens, and it's up for the person involved to digest it mentally and not carry it around for the rest of their lives.

 

I know plenty of soldiers who let one year of war determine the rest of their lives. The mind is an amazing thing, it can set you free or imprison you in the darkest of chambers. It depends on what you let happen, after-all it is your mind.

 

I personally would step away from anyone who wasn't mentally stable or has had a situation in the past that dominates and resonates today. They're essentially damaged goods- not saying they're not deserving of love- just not something I'd enter in to a partnership with.

 

I feel like a lot of people have these unquestionable pasts. Again, like rape victims or soldiers. Like you can't question the validity of their mind frame from 0.0000000005% of their life. That **** is traumatic, but so is life in the way it tailor fits struggles and experiences. How ever horrible, life goes on, and it's up to the person in involved to put the bag down.

 

If you're not ready to handle it, move on.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Hawaii51

[lollipopspot]

If you have hang-ups about sex and/or were abused, you have a responsibility to get yourself healthy, THEN date when you are healthy again.

 

Relationships are about giving to each other. For me to tell my SO that sex is gonna stop cuz I am reliving childhood abuse is not right and/or fair.

 

She didn't say sex was going to stop, and otherwise it sounds as though they have a good sex life except for that one act. She also expressed the desire to get over it.

 

I don't fully agree with your first point. People need to get help for their problems if they can't handle them, but healing comes in part THROUGH relationships. You can't really deal with all of your issues with sex in the absence of having sex, unless they're just intellectual issues, which this isn't.

[TaraMaiden2]

She didn't say sex was going to stop, and otherwise it sounds as though they have a good sex life except for that one act. She also expressed the desire to get over it.

Yes, and the OP, thinking about relaying to her how disturbed he is by those experiences, is not going to help.

It's possible (and I am not trying to second-guess him; I could be totally, totally wrong) that he finds imagining the scenario arousing.

 

This is not an unreasonable supposition, as, for example, many women have 'rape' fantasies, and many men have fantasies about 'pseudo-raping' their GFs. It's all to do with the imagination, and what turns us on.

 

It's possible the OP is somewhat turned on by imagining his GF in this situation (he wasn't entirely clear as to WHY he was disturbed by this situation, but he mentions her mouth, which, as any great kisser/recipient of a great kiss, will tell you, is a highly-sexual part of the body....)

..and being turned on by what was obviously a highly distressing experience for her, is actually a worry to him, because is conscience is telling him he should NOT be feeling turned on....

 

I don't fully agree with your first point. People need to get help for their problems if they can't handle them, but healing comes in part THROUGH relationships. You can't really deal with all of your issues with sex in the absence of having sex, unless they're just intellectual issues, which this isn't.

I agree.

It's an odd analogy, but those long-distance 'Tour de France' cyclists come a cropper, and badly too, at times. They end up tumbling and are subject to some pretty nasty injuries.

They get back on the bike. They may not like to, they feel wobbly and insecure, and rather shaken up - but they do it, because they do it.

 

I know... weird analogy, but there it is....