Manipulative Ex?

[DeusEx737]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post but iv been looking at the forums for a while so I thought id say hi. This is a bit of a long story but please bare with me.

 

My situation is this, I recently broke up (my decision) with an ex about 2 month's ago. We had been dating around a year and a half, a lack of trust on my end was the reason why and of course understandably she couldn't deal with it.

 

The relationship began great, I had been recovering from a split with my ex-fiancé of 3 years when this girl ( lets call her B) came into my life. She seemed amazing and eventually I asked her out and everything was great for the first couple of months, she worked as a nurse at the local hospital. We went for a day trip with her parents and her mum kept saying things like shes a bit of a complicated person which got my attention. During the day she just dropped into a crazy almost B*tchy mood with me and said in conversation how she used to find the guy who lived downstairs from her to be gorgeous. I can be a bit jealous but not overly but she then looked at me and said no offence in a really blunt way which hurt but I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. She then began telling me about how she tended to flirt with a lot of the surgeons at work to get them to do things for her but later told me she had stopped this due to our relationship.

 

However my gut the whole time we were together kept saying clearly don't trust her and I couldn't I had to force myself to even though shed say shed never cheat or anything. She isn't a very openly expressive person but it felt like I was doing all the work and getting very little back id be the one saying I love you and she even said about 6months in she wasn't sure if she loved me during a bad patch but after things got better she said she was sure she did however the affection never really improved much although to be fair she tried.

 

Getting to the point the 2 things that really caused the downfall of the relationship are that seeing as I am 30 and she was 24 (shes quite mature for her age mind) I expected behavioural differences but everytime we went to her parents she would just tease me to the point of blatant disrespect and put downs, of course I'm not gonna stand for it and expressed my annoyance when she would, however every single time she'd respond with "That's just the way I am and you cant take a joke" making me feel guilty for everything.

 

The relationship became quite toxic and brought out the worst in me sometimes and I became really anxious and felt like she was going to cheat eventually and she wasn't that serious about me even though she has helped me amazingly through a difficult patch in my life.

 

The final straw was that she kept making eye contact and watching one of the instructor's at the gym we both attend, the first day she saw him I saw her do it and then the day I broke up with her she must of stared at him for about 7-8 seconds when he walked past. By this point although I loved her I felt so uncomfortable that I told her I didn't trust her and stormed out from her life. She always told me that love is about actions (due to her not very emotional nature) and that's how she shows love and that I am more touchy feely kind of person which is true but in the end I just didn't see her words match up with her actions towards me.

 

It's over now but I really wanted some input from more experienced people.

 

Thanks - Sorry for the long post.

[Gloria25]

I lost count of the red flags here...

 

IMO, dating is taking time to get to know someone to see if they are a "match" (well, unless you're just looking for "companionship"). You took the time to check out this chick and she showed you who she is...a chick who is unstable and manipulative - who uses men to get what she wants (and probably was using you too).

 

So, time to move on and glad you did...

 

BTW, I don't see what is "lovable" about her...no one is perfect, but to ascribe "love" to her is like looking at a moldy sandwich and be like, ok, I'll ignore the mold on one side of it, so I can feast on the lunchmeat on the good side of it...Nope, doesn't work like that. The mold ruins the entire sandwich. I mean, try to eat only the good side of the sandwich only to find out a speck of the mold creeped up under.

[DeusEx737]

Thank you for validating my suspicions I was an idiot in ruining my relationship with my ex fiancé who was a wonderful girl I really didn't have any suspicions with her but i forgave myself it was my first LTR and moved on.

 

I didn't really think this girl actually loved me the evidence just wasn't there it was costly in that she made me so nervous being with her I actually had panic attacks. The interesting thing is and please don't think I'm being arrogant but I'm a pretty observant SOB and I am good at reading things.

 

She made me doubt myself but then I loved her so i overlooked stuff i just wanted things to work out but I ended up being accused of being insecure and needy. What I realise looking back is this. My gut told me she was a bad apple, I knew it and I wont ignore my gut again I'm growing and I wont tolerate this kind of behaviour I'm a man and I deserve better. She told me about her grandfather who was a horrible man who would get kicks out of manipulating people he would invite religious cold callers into his house and often debate them until he cried. He mum slept around in college but became a Christian later in life and married a good man but i can see that the apple rarely falls far from the tree.

 

I think she was passed some of these skills from the mum i really do and you know what shes GOOD at it i mean wow man I'm actually impressed if someone wasn't good at getting a sense on this stuff they'd be under her thumb like nothing. I wont put someone on a pedestal its crazy people are imperfect and make mistakes i expect people to make mistakes in life and forgiveness is an important quality but damn u know when someone has the nerve to say "I love you" not mean it and then treat you like crap what the heck, that's what hurts the most u gave that person your all and they didn't deserve it.

 

I am sure given enough time she would of A - Left me for someone else out of the blue or B - Cheated. I mean she even said she doesn't mind me checking out girls at the gym, i thought she was just being really secure at first what i realised was this, she didn't really love me and saying that gave her permission to do what she wanted and look at all the dudes.

 

One more red flag was she said one day she was going to the gym when i was at work, we didn't live together then when i was back we would go to our Bible study at church. So she doesn't wear makeup often and she was wearing a load of it after she supposedly changed i noticed and asked her my gut was going off like an atom bomb, after we got there she removed the damn makeup i picked up on that too!

 

Finally after we broke up i asked her about this stuff --------------- the amazing answer ( drum role please lol) "All i know is that i loved you" hahaahahaha simple answer deflection thinking I'm an idiot, i may wear my heart on my sleeve but an idiot I'm not and i wont be taken for a ride. Thanks all i just really needed to vent I'm almost over the breakup but man i just want to throw all this stuff at her people can be really selfish and cruel.