me – I love her, but I'm not happy

[xluffx]

Please help me – I’m Unhappy

 

Firstly, thank you for taking time out to read this, I really do appreciate it.

 

I am a 20 year old male and my girlfriend is an 18 year old female. I am in full time work, 5 days a week, and she is in college finishing her A levels. We have been together for almost 1 year. I would like to first say I’m the type of boyfriend that is very romantic, loves giving and receiving affection and making my significant other feel special. I’ve always been a diamond to her and made sure she’s okay and has everything she needs. The first 6 months of the relationship were amazing, lots of lust, passion and great emotions of happiness and content, I felt incredibly loved and desired in :(every single way. At the start of January 2015 (This year) her father unfortunately suffered a big stroke as well as a mini heart attack at the same time. He has been in hospital ever since and the effects of the stroke have been devastating for him as well as his family as you could imagine. Half of his brain has been majorly effected and has restricted fluid movement of one side of his body and his speech is now next to none. He isn’t due to come home until mid-next year of 2016 which is a big hit for them. Ever since this happened as you could guess it has completely changed my girlfriend and has made her have to grow up 10 years her senior and help support her mum at home. (Her sister is away travelling.) As well as this this, she also plays for Team GB softball team, and has a big world cup tournament coming up in summer which she has to practice a lot for. This is also causing her a lot of stress and pressure + revision for her last exams, as well as trying to make some time for me, her friends and seeing her dad in hospital. On top of this she also works a part time job two days a week.

 

Her current priority list

1. Seeing her dad (Understandable)

2. Revision for exams (Understandable)

3. Spending time with her mum at home

4. Training for GB Softball world cup (Understandable)

5. Part time Job (Understandable, to help with finances)

6. Seeing me and seeing her friends

 

My Priority list

1. My Job

2. My girlfriend

3. Seeing friends

4. Gym

 

You can see the unbalance right?

 

The problems that have arisen for us as you might be able to guess from everything is that she hardly has any time for me, the passion has dropped significantly, I don’t feel desired and I’m not feeling as wanted as I once was. I have so much time to give her as I’m almost always free after work and she never is except one evening in the week which she has to pick between seeing me, her dad, or seeing her friends and sometimes one time on a weekend… Of course I cannot expect her to see me every time on the Thursday as that would indeed be selfish. I understand it’s because she is stressed, tired, her life is real hard right now and she has told me this. I’m just finding it so hard to get used to change and adjust. Our relationship is mostly based off of texting each other, we do this a lot everyday which is just routine for us and something we have always done. We can tell just by the way one another is texting when things seem off or not. We have almost 0 intimacy with each other which is a huge problem for me. We went from not being able to keep off one another to her almost not being interested at all… We haven’t had any sexual intimacy in over 1 month now which is the longest it’s ever been.

 

We had a face to face chat and spoke about everything, she knows how I feel about everything and she had a breakdown in front of me saying how hard she’s finding everything right now and she has apologised for how things has changed and says she’s trying. I feel for her very much and I hate seeing her upset, but my happiness is important too is it not? None the less, the same things I’m not happy about just keep bringing me down and causing the same conflicts between us ruining what we normally have. The texting gets dry, short, and makes me feel very uncomfortable and I find it hard to be all lovey dovey. She gives hardly any affection towards me like I do her. Just one “I miss you text” would make my day. Everyone is different and shows in different ways she said which is true, but just find it so hard.

 

To summarise, her passion for me seems to have faded, lust out the window, no sexual intimacy, I don’t feel sexy anymore, receive hardly affection and when you give it all the time and get none back it is very tiring.

 

It is also worth mentioning here that she is also going travelling the world for four months at the start of next year and then at the end of next year going to University miles away from where we live for four years…. Great right!... I love my girlfriend, but I’m just not happy right now. How can I be with all this?

 

Please can someone give their thoughts?

 

Thank you so much

 

Marco

[Gloria25]

What's happening to her is "life"...

 

You two are barely 20's and just finishing up college. We're not in a time where people just get married in their 20's cuz they got nothing else going on and have the wisdom of their parents to get married right...

 

What we have now is people having more options and being allowed to use their 20's to discover "who" they are, and hopefully by late 20's (like 28) to 30's when they are ready to settle, they can make an informed decision on a mate.

 

I believe many people your ages have no idea what real love is and are just "accustomed" to that person and have immature brains and immaturity in your emotions - in other words, you don't have the tools to make an informed decision on a longterm mate and barely know yourselves.

 

Let her go, let her find her way if you care about her. You can stay in touch and if it's meant to be, then she will come back one day - but I highly doubt it.

 

Also, her putting attention/affection to you on the back burner in this time of stress (her dad being ill) is a demonstration of how she'd be if one day you ever make her your woman - which is, she will turn away from you rather "into" you. I mean, she should seek you out to "recharge" her batteries and go back to face the world.

 

With my last FWB, I was going through some crap - to the point I could not even enjoy sex (solo or with him), but I made the effort to make sure he was taken care of - cuz in a RL, it's not all about you (in this case, it's not all about "her").

[sandylee1]

I suggest you end the relationship because it's not really going anywhere right now. She has so much going on and needs to focus on those things. Do it amicably and if you are meant to be, you'll get together in the future.

 

If I were in her position, my priorities would be similar to hers, but I would be the one to end it, as it's not fair to you.

 

She's only 18 and you're just 20. The relationship should be enjoyable and with all the stuff going on its not fun right now. Tell her you know she's got a lot going on and obviously her dad and exam are important. That she needs to concentrate and you think it's best to end it, so she's not feeling under any undue pressure. Wish her the best and keep it friendly.

 

Then it leaves you free to move on.

[Noideanow]

Just a little support from here, stay as wise as you are, maybe take a break from her and see if anything changes:o

[LadyDeadpool]

It seems I'm using this quote everywhere lately:

 

"You don't let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you finally start caring about you." - Charles J.Orlando

 

I think it would be best to end the relationship. Whilst it may hurt the both of you, that pain will only be temporary, and it will take one responsibility off her plate. You are both young with your lives ahead of you. Who's to say you won't reconnect one day when you have both established a stable life for yourselves? Either way you have to be true to your needs in this moment, and you need to be happy.

 

Although you stated that you were listing her responsibilities to give us context, it felt as though you were listing them for yourself, a way of undermining your unhappiness at her lack of attention because "look how much she has on her plate! My unhappiness can't possibly be as important."

 

Her needs and struggles do not eclipse yours. You need to remember that and realise that the price of your sympathy shouldn't be your happiness.

[preraph]

Like her, you too have been forced by circumstances to have to grow up a little bit. I'm sorry it happened to you and her when you're both still young and would like to be carefree. But that's life. This is what life is like as an adult. When you have a partner, you have to understand their situation give them nothing but support and space to do what they need to do. This is, as I said, more of an adult situation, and so I know it's hard for you both. But you have to deal with it.

 

It is very difficult to keep everything going while a breadwinner is in the hospital for an extended period of time, and everyone will need to help to keep them in a place to live. Medical bills may eat them alive as well. Even if they don't, just the loss of income is devastating. Please reach into yourself and do some man things for them. Do their lawn work, look after their cars to be sure they're not neglecting oil changes, etc. Change light bulbs if you see they're out. If they have a pet and they're off working all the time and have no time to go home and feed or let it go to the bathroom, offer to do that on your lunch break if it's close by. Offer to run errands for her and her mom or to watch a younger sibling when they need to go to the hospital. Just be as supportive as you can in real ways like that. Don't demand more time. This is just a bad patch. Being romantic is not anything on her plate right now. She's upset and under a huge amount of pressure. Nothing sexy about that to her. Man up and be her and her mom's helper.

 

Don't worry about her going away until you have to. Help her with this immediate situation. But it does without saying you never discourage someone from going to college.

[Popsicle]

Most people are going to tell you to leave her.

 

But I get the sense that that is not what you want to do (nor what you want to hear).

[loveboid]

You're supposed to be helping her at this point if you want to stay with her. When crises come up that's what couples do for each other.

 

There's a little give and take here. She's not a robotic love dispenser. Her love is nourished by her father and family. Her love doesn't come out of nowhere. It isn't infinite. Somewhere, someone (her family) loved her and that's the only reason she can give you love.

 

Sometimes you have to give that love back.