I need help replying to questions or negative comments before family gathering

[GH101]

I have a family gathering coming up and I find myself being asked questions and having to react and deal with snotty comments made towards me. There are a few family members that are hard to communicate with and I just need help answering their questions and dealing with rude/negative comments.

I'm in my early 20's.

Question: Why aren't you driving?

People have told me its ridiculous, what should i reply?

My answer is: I don't drive, I have my permit, but I haven't gone for my license. I am scared to drive by myself and I can't afford a car right now. I am not really in need to drive anywhere, I take trains, buses or get rides. Some day I hope to drive, but I'm good right now.

Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Next question: Where are you transferring/what's your major?

My answer: I am finishing up my AA degree in May in Liberal Arts, I'm not sure where I am transferring yet. Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Hardest and most asked Question: Why don't you go to a land base/real school?

My answer: I have been getting my AA online and want to continue to get my BA online. I love online classes and enjoy the flexibility. I feel I learn better. Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

Then people start asking don't I want the college experience/missing out?

How should I handle these questions?

 

Nest Question: Are you dating anyone?

I usually say nobody serious, but I meet people.

Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Next Question: Do you have many friends?

My answer: some, I meet a lot of people at different fundraising/volunteering events.

Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Thanks in advance,

I just don't know how to handle these questions. Some family members have asked these questions so negatively and rudely in the past. They start putting me down and criticizing me.

 

Any ways to get out of a conversation?

Edited March 28, 2015 by GH101
mispell

[d0nnivain]

You are getting defense. That is why those questions seem harsh to you & you are trying to come up with answers. In reality they are simply conversation starters, except the one about do you have many friends which is obnoxious.

 

Your best responses will be as vague or specific as you like. Try turning it back on them & make them allies in your search.

 

 

Question: Why aren't you driving? A: I'm learning. Do you know anybody who as an affordable, reliable car for sale? What was your 1st car? what do you recommend mine should be?

 

Turn the discussion into something positive for yourself. Get more info to guide you when you become ready to buy a car.

 

 

Next question: Where are you transferring/what's your major? A: Right now it's Liberal Arts. I'm thinking about the following schools: ___ ___ & __. What do you think? Are there other schools you think I should consider? Why?

 

Again, use them to get more info & another perspective. Whatever they say, it's just their opinion.

 

This line of discussion will probably lead to them telling you how much fun they had in college, why their alma mater is awesome & tips on getting a job when you get out.

 

Don't view it as an attack but rather a way to get to know them better.

 

Hardest and most asked Question: Why don't you go to a land base/real school?

 

If you have never seen distance learning up close you have no idea what it's like. The stigma that it's not as good still exists in some quarters. I was teaching at a brick & mortar school when I met DH who was going to school on line. I didn't understand until we lived together & I saw the academic rigors. I later taught an on line class but didn't enjoy it because I needed the contextual feedback from my students' faces but that is just me & is not a commentary on the academic quality of various programs.

 

Just educate people who ask this Q. If you sing the praises of your choice, they will accept it & you might get a few converts. If you are all defensive, they will conclude its because you think your program is inferior.

 

 

Question: Are you dating anyone? A: I date. Why do you know anybody fabulous?

 

Again turn them into an ally. You never know. Their cube mate at work may be or know a great person for you to date.

 

 

Next Question: Do you have many friends? This is an obnoxious Q. If asked I'd probably come back with a snide response like "no. Everyone knows you are my relative so they don't want to be involved with me." That

s probably not going to solve anything so I'd recommend you go with deflection. If asked this subject decide you have to go in the kitchen & help or that you need to freshen your drink even if the one you have is full.

[GH101]

My family doesn't ask these questions just to make conversation. They ask them in a defensive and rude way that almost feels like an attack. They don't support my answers, but instead judge them and bring me down. Thanks for your help

[Arieswoman]

GH10,

 

You could try ;-

 

Question: Why aren't you driving?

A. - Gee whizz have you see the accident statistics for XYZ town? I feel safer on public transport. Anyway, I like to think I'm doing my bit to cut down fossil fuel consumption and save the ozone layer.

 

Next question: Where are you transferring/what's your major? - The answer you gave was good.

 

Q. Why don't you go to a land base/real school? - A. What's "not real" about it? It fulfils my educational requirements and meets xyz standards.

 

Q. Question: Are you dating anyone? - A. Not at the moment, why, have you anyone in mind for me?

 

Next Question: Do you have many friends? - A. Yes, but I turned down a bbq/baby shower/party/theatre trip to meet you !

 

All said with a big smile BTW.

[GH101]

GH10,

 

You could try ;-

 

Question: Why aren't you driving?

A. - Gee whizz have you see the accident statistics for XYZ town? I feel safer on public transport. Anyway, I like to think I'm doing my bit to cut down fossil fuel consumption and save the ozone layer.

 

Next question: Where are you transferring/what's your major? - The answer you gave was good.

 

Q. Why don't you go to a land base/real school? - A. What's "not real" about it? It fulfils my educational requirements and meets xyz standards.

 

Q. Question: Are you dating anyone? - A. Not at the moment, why, have you anyone in mind for me?

 

Next Question: Do you have many friends? - A. Yes, but I turned down a bbq/baby shower/party/theatre trip to meet you !

 

All said with a big smile BTW.

 

Thanks so much for the great advice!

[loveweary11]

I get very frustrated at these things too. Living a very unorthodox life, I'm barraged by ridiculous and insulting questions constantly.

 

Just remember, it's because they don't "get it" and they're inferior.

 

Question 1) "Cars aren't really necessary where I live. What kind of car do ou have?" wait for answer... " oh, i love thos cars, do you like it?"

 

 

2) Answer your major and say it isn't time to transfer yet. Then, "So where did you go to school? Should I look into your old school?

 

3) Same as 2. Ask their advice.

 

4)No.

 

5)Of course! lol

 

The thing to remember is they are just regular people trying to starta conversation. They don't know what to say either, so they go for regular topics or the 1 or 2 facts they've heard about you.

 

Just steer it so it's about them.

 

 

I have a family gathering coming up and I find myself being asked questions and having to react and deal with snotty comments made towards me. There are a few family members that are hard to communicate with and I just need help answering their questions and dealing with rude/negative comments.

I'm in my early 20's.

Question: Why aren't you driving?

People have told me its ridiculous, what should i reply?

My answer is: I don't drive, I have my permit, but I haven't gone for my license. I am scared to drive by myself and I can't afford a car right now. I am not really in need to drive anywhere, I take trains, buses or get rides. Some day I hope to drive, but I'm good right now.

Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Next question: Where are you transferring/what's your major?

My answer: I am finishing up my AA degree in May in Liberal Arts, I'm not sure where I am transferring yet. Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Hardest and most asked Question: Why don't you go to a land base/real school?

My answer: I have been getting my AA online and want to continue to get my BA online. I love online classes and enjoy the flexibility. I feel I learn better. Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

Then people start asking don't I want the college experience/missing out?

How should I handle these questions?

 

Nest Question: Are you dating anyone?

I usually say nobody serious, but I meet people.

Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Next Question: Do you have many friends?

My answer: some, I meet a lot of people at different fundraising/volunteering events.

Was this a good answer, any thing I should add to get them off my back?

 

Thanks in advance,

I just don't know how to handle these questions. Some family members have asked these questions so negatively and rudely in the past. They start putting me down and criticizing me.

 

Any ways to get out of a conversation?

[d0nnivain]

My family doesn't ask these questions just to make conversation. They ask them in a defensive and rude way that almost feels like an attack. They don't support my answers, but instead judge them and bring me down. Thanks for your help

 

 

The chip on your shoulder makes it worse. Even in the face of hostility if you own your choices and are proud of yourself, that will shine through in your answers. Won't it be that much more satisfactory, to beat them down by being positive & self assured in your responses? I'm not saying you have to listen to their advice. I am saying you should also for it just to hear what they have to say & avoid being angry when you leave their company. If you are a at peace with the choices you have made in your life, you won't feel the need to fight them when they suggest other courses.

[loveweary11]

My family doesn't ask these questions just to make conversation. They ask them in a defensive and rude way that almost feels like an attack. They don't support my answers, but instead judge them and bring me down. Thanks for your help

 

That's what all families do. They're jerks.

 

It's up to you to change your self and your reactions to the questions, because these people aren't changing.

 

One thing I could see from your responses is that you're very much on the defensive. Don't be.You don't need to explain every detail of your life to these people. Answer like a politician, not with snide remarks that make you think you're winning some perceived battle.

 

You must kill them with kindness. Snide comments will only make them dislike you.

 

Also, you shouldn't be looking for their support in your answers.

 

* I speak from a lot of experience having ha all the same problems, including trying to justify my life to closed minded people. Just don't.

Edited March 29, 2015 by loveweary11

[badpenny]

Print up a sponsor form.

 

Head it: Week's sponsored silence in aid of <some hearing/speech-associated charity>, for the deaf and hard of hearing.

Insert 5 columns:

 

 

Name ..... phone number ....... sum per silent day .... lump sum for whole week.... Total.

 

Put some false names in the first five or six lines, together with a sum of money, either in the column for "sum per silent day" or "Lump sum for whole week".

 

Wear a placard/badge that says:

 

"Please don't make me speak, I'm collecting for charity!"

 

Take the whole to your family reunion, make them all make a donation.

 

When you collect, sincerely give that money to a charity.

 

And the hardest thing you will ever have to do is to make sure you don't utter a word.

 

I know this isn't impossible - because I actually DID a week's sponsored silence, and while I initially thought it would be hard - not to say impossible - to actually refrain from speaking for a whole week - after an hour or so on the very first day, it became remarkably easy.

 

Particularly when listening to the moronic, stupid, ignorant and puerile things people around me were saying.

It's amazing what a withering look can achieve.

I managed to make some idiots look extremely foolish, and i never had to open my mouth once.

 

But for future reference, you're going to have to learn firm, calm, and non-aggressive ways of dealing with confrontation, because being defensive just lets them know they're getting to you....

 

You have to act like frankly, you don't care....

[GH101]

Thanks everybody for the great advice. I guess I just get overwhelmed by different people at once asking me questions or ganging up on me. I had a family function recently and I had two relatives bonding over how ridiculous it is I don't drive and go to a regular college. I don't really know what my next education/career move is and I get verbally attacked because of it. Some relatives will just be very negative and bring me down. I will work on staying calm and confident in the future.

I also get annoyed when people start badgering me about my love life or friends. I just don't know what to say sometimes.

[GH101]

Print up a sponsor form.

 

Head it: Week's sponsored silence in aid of <some hearing/speech-associated charity>, for the deaf and hard of hearing.

Insert 5 columns:

 

 

Name ..... phone number ....... sum per silent day .... lump sum for whole week.... Total.

 

Put some false names in the first five or six lines, together with a sum of money, either in the column for "sum per silent day" or "Lump sum for whole week".

 

Wear a placard/badge that says:

 

"Please don't make me speak, I'm collecting for charity!"

 

Take the whole to your family reunion, make them all make a donation.

 

When you collect, sincerely give that money to a charity.

 

And the hardest thing you will ever have to do is to make sure you don't utter a word.

 

I know this isn't impossible - because I actually DID a week's sponsored silence, and while I initially thought it would be hard - not to say impossible - to actually refrain from speaking for a whole week - after an hour or so on the very first day, it became remarkably easy.

 

Particularly when listening to the moronic, stupid, ignorant and puerile things people around me were saying.

It's amazing what a withering look can achieve.

I managed to make some idiots look extremely foolish, and i never had to open my mouth once.

 

But for future reference, you're going to have to learn firm, calm, and non-aggressive ways of dealing with confrontation, because being defensive just lets them know they're getting to you....

 

You have to act like frankly, you don't care....

 

Hilarious and great idea

[badpenny]

When I did my sponsored silence (serioulsy, I honestly did!) because I then had young children at school age, I could speak in the morning, until 08.00, then I could resume after work, in the evening, after 6.30pm.

 

However, I often found myself getting geared into silence before the morning deadline, and blissfully continuing after time in the evening... It began to feel very peaceful and comfortable, to not actually have to speak, or be drawn into the banalities, trivia and inconsequential chatter, banter and gossip.

 

It was amazingly liberating.

 

I worked as a sandwich/meals delivery driver for a small sandwich bar, taking sandwiches and meals to local businesses, who would phone in their orders in the morning, so I came into contact with a lot of people.

 

Everyone was amazingly supportive, and I think perhaps only one or two people tried to make me speak deliberately - but were immediately 'jumped on' by their colleagues as behaving like azzholes!

 

The most surprising thing was, that people around me began writing things down for me - as if I was also deaf! The connection in their mind was "Can't speak - can't hear!" which was utterly bizarre, as they all knew me very well, and I interacted with them perfectly, under usual, normal circumstances!

 

They would also talk about me as if I couldn't hear them, or wasn't present - fortunately, nothing rude, but I did have to tap them on the shoulder, and point to my ear, nodding, as if to convey "I CAN hear you, you know!"

 

At the end of the week, I'm happy to say I collected £700-odd pounds for the RNID (a Charity in the UK).

 

Why THAT particular charity?

 

Because I actually DO have hearing problems, and they're gradually getting worse.

 

I have Tinnitus (with its own weird set of complications!) and Hyperacusis, and gradual progressive deafness in both ears. The left ear is leading on that front, currently....

 

I think everyone should try to remain silent for at least 48 hours.... give it a go, now and then.

It's an amazingly effective way of 'detaching' from the unimportant....

 

And don't fill the silence with TV, radio or recorded music, either.

 

Try a day in silence.

It's actually quite wonderful.....

[d0nnivain]

I had a family function recently and I had two relatives bonding over how ridiculous it is I don't drive and go to a regular college. I don't really know what my next education/career move is and I get verbally attacked because of it. Some relatives will just be very negative and bring me down. .

 

 

I know you don't believe me but in their narrow minded way they were commiserating because they love & to their way of thinking you are limiting yourself. Without a car in certain places, it's tough to be independent. Going to school on line instead of a brick & mortar school does not have the same social opportunities. They talked to each other about you, not because they were trying to attack to you but because they were concerned you are not getting the most of out life.

 

 

It's your life. If you are happy with the paths you have chosen good for you. But you will be happier when you recognize that not everybody who Qs you is doing so because they are trying to harm you. They may simply be trying to understand.

[GH101]

I know you don't believe me but in their narrow minded way they were commiserating because they love & to their way of thinking you are limiting yourself. Without a car in certain places, it's tough to be independent. Going to school on line instead of a brick & mortar school does not have the same social opportunities. They talked to each other about you, not because they were trying to attack to you but because they were concerned you are not getting the most of out life.

 

 

It's your life. If you are happy with the paths you have chosen good for you. But you will be happier when you recognize that not everybody who Qs you is doing so because they are trying to harm you. They may simply be trying to understand.

 

Yes I understand, but I just don't know always what to say. I am happy with my choices. I know what a college life is like and driving makes you independent. However after I tell them that I'm happy they still try to bring me down. They can see I am content with my choices, but are still never happy for me.

[Hawaii51]

I'd add something along the lines of: College is a huge investment of time and money, and I want to be sure where I want to go and what I want to do before I make such a commitment.

 

 

Not to mention an economic adviser would tell you there is no return on this investment in higher education- unless you go to a public university.

 

 

If they make you uncomfortable, maybe come up with some awkward questions of your own for them?

[GH101]

I'd add something along the lines of: College is a huge investment of time and money, and I want to be sure where I want to go and what I want to do before I make such a commitment.

 

 

Not to mention an economic adviser would tell you there is no return on this investment in higher education- unless you go to a public university.

 

 

If they make you uncomfortable, maybe come up with some awkward questions of your own for them?

 

Exactly, I don't want to rush into it.

Lol, I should, but unlike some people in my family I don't like to make people uncomfortable. I know these are common questions, but it seems like they ask them in a rude way. It's like if you don't tell them what they want to hear then they start putting you down. They start to try to persuade me or tell me I'm wrong.

[GH101]

Any other advice, especially on why I don't drive question?

Also, I am finishing up my AA degree, but don't know what my next move is. However, I don't want to tell people I am doing nothing, so what should I say? Thanks