Sad about this

[luvsux69]

Hey everyone,

 

so I met this 29 year old girl in April (I am 29 also) and the first 3 months were great and I was falling for her fast. The relationship started to go downhill when I saw she was texting her ex and I asked her about it. She told me that she met me 2 weeks after her break up. Her and I had sex pretty much within a month of dating. Within the third month of dating I realized I caught feelings for her but her actions were contradicting. One days she would be hot, the next day she was cold with me. I used to be a nightclub promoter and many people know me including many of her friends and shes more of a private person, doesnt really post anything on facebook.

 

At times it seemed like she loved me so much and other times it seems like she hated me. Its the most bizarre relationship I've ever been in. Some how I still love her. Within 3 months, I told her if we continue to date and things keep progressing would you like to take it seriously? and her reaction wasnt a good one.

 

She basically just wanted to have fun and she told me she met me for that purpose and didnt see me as anything more than just a f*ck buddy. I guess it made me want her more and I kept on insisting. We've had our ups and downs fighting every single month but also having great moments. Its now 9 months since we met and for the past 6 months we have been sleeping with each other literally almost every single night. Every month there will be a fight and she will try to end things with me and then a day later she will want me back.

 

 

We've both have had our share of mistakes:

 

My first mistake was to go through her phone to view her messages and also to text a girl in NY that I barely speak to; that part wasnt the mistake, the mistake was that the next week she asked me if I knew anyone in NY and I said no as I forgot about the girl I had text only because I rarely talk to her and I was drunk when I messaged her. She saw the messages of her agreeing that I can come up to visit her sometime. The girl from NY is honestly just a friend and I've visited her once before, stayed at her place and nothing happened between us. I simply dont see her that way and we are just friends but I can see why she would get upset.

 

The first mistake she made was on her birthday, in August. One of her friends was flirting with her while she was wasted and she allowed it to happen all in front of me and her friends. I was so hurt that night and she said she did nothing wrong and said that shes single and can do whatever she wants. That hurt even more.

 

Then in October, she randomly asked to see my phone to view my messages because she found out I was hanging out with a girl I had a one night stand with. Im friends with many girls Ive made out with or had sex with and have nothing going on wih them after. We ran into each other at an EDM event and nothing happened we just listened to music and I was with another guy friend. The girl Im dating tend to flip her **** about even the littlest things. She found out from her roomate that I was hanging out with her and other friends. When she asked for my phone I wanted to erase some messages from my phone and she aggressively tried to take it away from me. She asked why I tried to erase messages and I said I panicked because she gave me a girls number and I thought you'd flip your **** like you always do.

 

In November, she started talking to this guy named Joe. I started to find it really shady. I'd watch her put her password on her phone so that I could few the messages. I saw her text a girlfriend of hers and her friend asked how is it going with Mike and the other guy? My chick replies "oh Joe & Mike, they are good haha" They were texting everyday since October. I get so pissed off that I break her phone by throwing it to the ground, I punched her door and broke it. Im not an abusive person but I was sooooo angry that I grabbed her arms and squeezed them and pushed her to the ground. I felt so betrayed and hurt. I apologized for my behavior and I told her that even though we are not official that her actions are unacceptable if we are sleeping with each other every night and I demand some respect. She said sorry that she was talking to him as a distraction from all the negativity we've been dealing with.

 

The crazy part is that we keep forgiving each other for the mistakes we make and try to improve each day.

 

Then in December, I bought her a Guess bag for Xmas and she didnt like it. I told a close friend of mine that she didnt like the gift and that I didnt like the way she reacted to it. My friend said she is unclassy for behaving that way.

My girl went through my phone and saw that I talked about her and she gets soooooo pissed when I say anything negative about her to any of my friends because she wants a good image and because it can create issues when people know our issues.

 

Then on New Years right at 12 o'clock she tells me "ask me out! ask me out as your girlfriend" I had been trying to be in an official relationship with her for the longest time since the summer time and I have been explaining to her that a major reason why we could be having so many issues is because we arent official. I would ask her each month and she would keep denying me and told me she wants to get to know me more before she decides. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. Scared because I had a fear that some problem would come up.

 

Guess what I screwed up but I dont think it was worthwhile for her to break up with me. I think she had valid reason to be mad but not a break up.

A guy friend in common showed me a picture of some girls and I said "oh nice Id do all 3 of them" (I didnt mean it literally, it was a figure of speech) I didnt say it in front of her but she overheard me and dumped me in front of our 2 friends. A day later we kept on hanging out and she was upset of course and I kept on telling her Im sorry for what i said but i didnt mean it literally and I wont say anything like that ever again. Eventually we kept on sleeping together every night and told me that when I think the time is right to ask her back (for her to be my girlfriend).

 

To this day, we continue sleeping with each other every night. However there is one problem. About one month ago, her good guy friend calls her (she has him on speakerphone) and tells her he will have a snowboarding trip and that I'm invited as well. 2 weeks pass by and she never mentions anything to me. I feel down about it and i bring it up to her and tell her "hey your friend on speakerphone said that i could come on the trip and you never invited me, just wondering why you didnt ask me to come" she said " no he didnt", i said "yes he did, i heard him on speakerphone a few weeks back." she says "maybe he was being sarcastic" *he never had a sarcastic tone. then she says well i didnt think you wanted to go so i never asked you. (i was disappointed that she never even asked me if i wanted to go). a few days go by and she says maybe you can come with me and we only go for a day and come back since I have to study for my exam. i said sure thats cool. 2 days later she says it sucks that i wont see you this weekend, i feel bad and im going to miss you. I asked her what happened to us going for a day and then returning? She said that she asked a friend and that he said it wouldnt be a good idea to do that because birthday boy would get upset. This morning when we wake up feel and look upset and she asks me whats wrong and i explain to her that its about the trip. that if we are sleeping with each other and her friend invites me but she doesnt then of course im going to be upset. she then changes it to "my friend is very particular of his friends and there is very limited space". i told her but he said i could come so that doesnt even apply. Later today(friday), i call her at work to explain that the trip still bothers me for some reason and then she tells me that she didnt want me to come because shes afraid of how I'm going to act in front of her friends.

Today (friday), is the day she left for the trip and will be back on sunday.

 

I told her how uncomfortable i felt about this trip shes going on and she said she doesnt even want to go on it. She has a lot of studying to do and I said well you've said you keep on changing the story and to different things.

 

I feel like its all bull**** but I still have feelings for her and i dont have any proof that it is bull****. People say you should trust and give benefit of the doubt but in this case i heard too many different things and dont know what to believe. The only thing holding us together is the fact we sleept together pretty much every night and the feelings we have. I dont know if i can trust this girl. She just text me that she loves me.

[MidwestUSA]

There's no trust whatsoever in this 'relationship', or whatever you want to call it. In what world is it right to go through another person's phone? Time after time?

 

Then you moved on to physical abuse. Whether she's crazy or not, you need to dump her and get help to ensure that you never ever lay a hand on a woman again.

 

This isn't love, it's codependency.

[salparadise]

Unh yea, what Midwest said, plus at some point you've got to realize that you can't fix crazy. This woman has disrespected you in so many ways... she's controlling your emotions, has you tiptoeing around on thin ice and literally telling you that you don't mean squat to her. You keep hoping she will wake up one day and be somebody else. Not going to happen. If she doesn't respect you, and you don't respect yourself enough to say hasta luego to her crap, then where does that leave you?

[Downtown]

LS, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., impulsive, lack of empathy, temper tantrums, emotional instability, black-white thinking, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD.

 

Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your GF. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD and NPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you start by taking a look at my list at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Midwest and Sal in discussing them with you. Take care, LS.

[salparadise]

behaviors you describe -- i.e., impulsive, lack of empathy, temper tantrums, emotional instability, black-white thinking, and rapid flips...

 

I was thinking PD also, especially when he said "every month there will be a fight and she will try to end things with me and then a day later she will want me back."

 

I hesitant to suggest it anymore though, even when I strongly suspect it, because it always turns into a does she or doesn't she and no one is qualified to say that discussion. So when I use the word crazy or BSC... that's what I'm thinking. OP, you should definitely check those links that DT gave you.