Is it bad that I am drawn to needy and clingy girls?

[R3d]

I don't mean as in possessive and overly jealous, like if I have **** to do I would want to be able to do it without her throwing a tantrum.

 

I mean as in a girl that just likes to spend a lot of time with her boyfriend and responds to texts and calls quickly and does so a lot. And you know...just kind of clings...like a weak magnet...having that feeling of her kind of being magnetized to me.

 

Personally, I am just kind of a clingy and needy guy by nature even when it comes to friendship! I mean I have never had a girlfriend or been on a date, but I can tell from how I have behaved with my friends and when I was talking to some girls online that it's just my nature. It doesn't necessarily even have anything to do with being insecure. Just as an introverted guy especially that prefers to have fewer closer relationships (of all kinds) with people instead of just kind of being everyone's acquaintance like extroverts. It's just my nature to want to spend a lot of time with people I am close to and am very responsive when it comes to calling and messaging.

 

I have kind of just started embracing and accepting this about myself (not that I actually ever disliked this about myself, but as part of building my confidence and learning to love myself), that I am needy and clingy by nature and that's just who I am and I'm thinking I should go for girls who are like that too.

 

Is this a bad thing or is it okay for me to just accept this as a part of who I am and not change myself for anyone as they say (you know - be yourself)? Also, is it a reasonable expectation to want a girl like that?

 

For any readers unfamiliar with me, I am 16. Just thought I'd point that out as this board seems to predominantly filled with people in their 20's and 30's.

[preraph]

So what if the woman is working and can't text and carry on from work? Are you going to eliminate her for that? If you will only be with women who give you constant feedback and reassurance, you'll be with a woman who isn't doing much with her life. And if you have kids with her, you can expect whatever attention you were getting before to pretty much go away because she'll be too busy for that nonsense.

 

If I were you, I'd do some counseling/therapy and find out why you're so needy/clingy. Being too far in any direction doesn't work out well.

[R3d]

So what if the woman is working and can't text and carry on from work? Are you going to eliminate her for that? If you will only be with women who give you constant feedback and reassurance, you'll be with a woman who isn't doing much with her life. And if you have kids with her, you can expect whatever attention you were getting before to pretty much go away because she'll be too busy for that nonsense.

 

If I were you, I'd do some counseling/therapy and find out why you're so needy/clingy. Being too far in any direction doesn't work out well.

 

No, not like that. If I or her have things to do, fine. And it's not really about reassurance or validation either. I don't mean like over the top clingy or needy. I just want a good amount of attachment, I guess you could say.

 

The reason I have a tendency to cling and get too attached is because I have kind of been starved of friends for the most of my childhood for various reasons and have always been an introverted lone wolf with few friends at most. That's partly why I am so desperate for a girlfriend. But only partly.

Edited August 23, 2014 by R3d

[BetrayedH]

No, not like that. If I or her have things to do, fine. And it's not really about reassurance or validation either. I don't mean like over the top clingy or needy. I just want a good amount of attachment, I guess you could say.

 

The reason I have a tendency to cling and get too attached is because I have kind of been starved of friends for the most of my childhood for various reasons and have always been an introverted lone wolf with few friends at most. That's partly why I am so desperate for a girlfriend. But only partly.

 

It's interesting that you say it's not about reassurance or validation in your first paragraph but in your second paragraph you mention that you have a "tendency to cling or get too attached," have been "starved of friends" for most of your childhood, and that you're "desperate for a girlfriend."

 

The reality is that even the most confident of us want the external validation provided by a romantic relationship. A lot of it IS about reassurance. And much of that desire for external validation has to do with our childhood (just as you pointed out in your own scenario). It's pretty normal. When someone loves us (especially if it is someone really confident or "out of our league") then it's very validating. You can tell yourself that you must really be something. Sometimes I really wonder if we really love the other person or if we just love how we look through their eyes. If we love how they make us feel and we're ready to reciprocate those same feelings for them (in exchange), a romance buds.

 

That said, being "too" needy or clingy displays a lack of self-confidence. That can be one of the most unattractive traits. If you lack confidence in yourself then your "love" for someone else isn't going to be very validating for them. Sometimes people who are lacking confidence will then adapt in the way you've described; they seek out partners that are also lacking in confidence (people that are clingy or needy) because then they can feel like the savior or the knight in shining armor. It becomes validating in a different sense - one where you are superior and needed. I'm not sure that sounds very healthy.

 

Most agree that the best partners in a relationship are ones that are independently happy and self-confident. They aren't needy or clingy but are confidently self-aware. They're seeking companionship, sex, and yes, some amount of mutually-exchanged external validation (like I said, even the most confident of people like the ego boost of feeling desired, needed, and loved).

 

Anyway, lots of words in there. Hopefully some of them resonated with you. For what it's worth, you sound like an intelligent, reasonably confident, and balanced young man. Keep seeking a balance. But I would be wary of seeking out needy or clingy partners (or being one yourself). Ultimately, no one else can really make us happy. We have to own that ourselves and then we're really ready to give in a relationship. When the need for external validation is too great, many times people find that nothing and no one is enough. A needy or clingy partner is ripe for clinging onto the next person that's ready to provide that next quick ego boost. I think it's the main reason for such a ridiculous amount of cheating and infidelity. People are so needy for external validation that they can't even keep enough integrity to let their partner go before getting their next validation hit from someone else.

 

Better to be a healthy partner and to seek a healthy partner, in my humble opinion.

[Got it]

I think something that might be interesting for you to look into is codependency. It sounds like you have the ground work for this and show signs of it in your platonic relationships. It will be exacerbated in a romantic one.

 

I understand, when I was younger as I was similar and it was about external validation, or external to the sense that I thought far worse of me and needed reassurance I wasn't that bad. I have learned over the years that I need to validate myself and while I know I enjoy my smaller number of friends it is by choice and I greatly enjoy my alone time as well. It is no longer about a void to be filled/reassured by others.

 

I did have my first marriage, and the earlier relationship, as a very codependent one. It was not healthy for either party.

[carhill]

Is it bad that I am drawn to needy and clingy girls?

 

IDK about 'bad' but be prepared to endure some pain. IMO, you likely notice them more because they're more noticeable.

 

At your age, and I was once, decades ago, we were focused on having a good time, schoolwork, and enjoying the young ladies as things happened. Deep thinking and reflection are positive traits but, as with everything in life, moderation is healthy. Apply that same caveat to your own relationships. If you like being around people, engage in numerous friendships and divide your time and attention amongst them.

 

Lastly, being young is supposed to be fun. Serious has its place, sure, but resolve to leave this stuff at the door once in awhile and just go out and let life happen. Roll with it.

[SpiralOut]

I don't mean as in possessive and overly jealous, like if I have **** to do I would want to be able to do it without her throwing a tantrum.

 

I mean as in a girl that just likes to spend a lot of time with her boyfriend and responds to texts and calls quickly and does so a lot. And you know...just kind of clings...like a weak magnet...having that feeling of her kind of being magnetized to me.

 

.

 

I don't think that's a needy woman you just described. Needy women WILL get upset if you don't spend enough time with them. Jealousy and neediness go hand in hand, and you just said you don't want a jealous woman.

 

 

I think you want a woman who is really into you and isn't afraid to show it, but still has enough confidence that she won't freak out if you don't always have time for her. That's what it sounds like to me anyway.

[R3d]

I think you want a woman who is really into you and isn't afraid to show it, but still has enough confidence that she won't freak out if you don't always have time for her. That's what it sounds like to me anyway.

 

Yeah, that's a better way of phrasing it.

[54JA]

I have a feeling that you are on your way to becoming what betrayedH described as "independently happy and self-confident" man. You are only 16 years old, and in my opinion, many high schoolers tend to be a bit clingy because they are still in the process of discovering themselves and developing confidence. At this stage in your life, your interactions with your peers are a crucial experience for your development. They can be both positive and negative influences, but how you accept and deal with those influences will surely contribute to your sense of who you want to become/who you will become in the future. I say you are on your way to becoming a "self-confident" man, because despite your young age, you are asking interesting questions and are open to others' (more experienced) opinions. You are becoming aware of your current preferences and are able to articulate it clearly. By asking what makes a person "needy/clingy," and attempting to pin point the behaviors associated with the word, you are gaining an important knowledge. Keep this up, young man!