Is it fine for my wife to go out drinking with male co-workers for 7 hours?

[brokenangel1]

My wife has worked with these two male co-workers for few years. Yesterday she texted me saying she might go out drinking with them after work. I asked her who is going to be driving her home if she and they are drunk. She said she would just wait until she sobers up to drive home. I told her I don't really like her out drinking with male co-workers but go ahead and do whatever she wants, just be careful. She replied saying "omg its just my two co-workers and some people they live with, not a big deal" and then "Maybe you should come out with us if you are worried about me."

 

I reply saying "well you get off at 2am and I got up at 8am this morning for work so yeah....im not even going to be awake then and if I am, no way I will be able to out drinking."

 

So she gets off work at 2am (she works late shift). I wake up at like 5:30 am not feeling well and notice she is not home. I start thinking ok seems a bit late for her to be out drinking with male co-workers but I trust her so she will probably be home soonish. I fall back asleep until 8am. She is still not home. I text her saying "I woke up and my wife is still not home after 6 hours....".and that "I could understand a couple drinks for an hour or so but for 6 hours..?" I also let her know that "I am NOT ok with this at all btw"

 

So anyways now its about 9am and I have heard nothing back. I start calling her thinking ok something bad must have happened....

 

No answer to multiple calls, so now I am getting super worried and super pissed about the situation to the point where I call the hospital just to see if she was checked in or something (yeah I know, that might be going a bit too far but ya never know.)

 

Finally she calls me back around 9:20 asking me whats up. I get pissed and tell her its been 8 fking hours....she says "really?...." in a tone like asking "is it really a big deal?" She said she was just waiting to sober up to drive home.

 

I get pissed and say "whatever....just whatever" and hang up on her because she doesnt seem to understand why this is an issue.

 

I text her saying "I guess since I am married I would never go out drinking with two women from work for 7 hours without you being there and that I dont know anyone that would be ok with this situation."

 

So she rushes home and yells at me asking what my problem is and that it was a **** move texting her making her feel like a ****ty person and wife. She says they are just friends and that they went over to their place and played some board games and had a lot of innocent fun while getting smashed. She said there were many other people there playing "Magic the gathering" (card game I guess) and everyone is bull****ting and just having fun.

 

I tried being super honest with her saying "I guess I don't like my wife out drinking with guys I dont know, without me" and asked her how she would feel if I went out getting smashed with two female co-wrkers from work for 7 hours without her. She made a face like it wouldnt be a big deal. Then she countered with "YOU WERE INVITED!!" I told her again it was too late for me to come out. But she says they have invited me in the past and I have turned them down which is true.

 

She seems to think that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with going out with her two male co-workers (both of them are in relationships btw) and getting smashed for 8 hours without me there.

Again her reasoning's are that they are just friends, she wishes I would trust her judgement and that I was being **** making her feel like a terrible wife. She said they have asked her many times to come out and she has turned them down because Iwouldn'tt come along and the one time she says yes I freak out on her. She also said she thought I would be asleep the whole time at that time in the morning (usually am) so that she thought Iwouldn'tt worry since I would be asleep.

 

I guess my question is, keeping in mind this is the first time this has happened, are my sensibilities incorrect? Am I way off base for getting mad about this? I guess some background about me, I have not been in a ton of relationships before my wife, maybe 5 or 6 long term ones. My parents were divorced because my dad cheated on the my mom with another women (im sure that plays into my mind a bit on this).

Am I being a typical insecure guy on this? Part of me says "She your wife and should NOT be out drinking with guys, I dont care who the they are or if she trusts them because anything can go down when people are getting smashed drunk."

 

Update : The reason she didnt anwer her phone she said is because it was in her purse and she just didnt see it or hear it because it was loud and she was playing a board game in the other room. :(

[mammasita]

Um absolutely NOT. What's open at 2AM?....but even if there are places open, nothing good happens at that time anyway.

[SoleMate]

No, it's not fine. Drinking in someone's home - a woman with several men - husband not present - wife gets pissy when questioned - enough is drunk that the person can't drive and needs to sleep it off. So, obviously unconscious and occupying a bed in another person's house with various men there, including even non-coworkers (perhaps complete strangers to her; perhaps one of them is a very special person indeed). None of the above is compatible with a long-lasting, happy, faithful marriage.

[d0nnivain]

It's clearly not OK with you.

 

Based on when she got off work, you can't look at the hours of the day because her 2:00 a.m. is other people's 5:00 o'clock. That said, 7-8 hours does seem like a long time. If she had 3-4 drinks with them & then came home after 2-3 hours I'd be telling you to power down & remain calm.

 

The length of this visit merits a calm discussion to assure the behavior isn't repeated routinely.

[Zeurich]

I can see a good gentleman in you. I am not sure if she has any respect for you. I never been out with another people while I was married.If I went some where there was my husband always by the way I am not a drinking woman so I have less experiences about bars and drinking. What you feel is not unfair it completely acceptable. you don't need to experience a ton of relationships to get to know acts from a woman because you learn ton of things from one single woman

But what she is doing cannot be acceptable when she is married to a husband who cares about her and not coming for 8 hours home? If I were you called the police already.

 

She seems to think that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with going out with her two male co-workers (both of them are in relationships btw) and getting smashed for 8 hours without me there.

Again her reasoning's are that they are just friends, she wishes I would trust her judgement and that I was being **** making her feel like a terrible wife. She said they have asked her many times to come out and she has turned them down because Iwouldn'tt come along and the one time she says yes I freak out on her. She also said she thought I would be asleep the whole time at that time in the morning (usually am) so that she thought Iwouldn'tt worry since I would be asleep.

I think she is terrible wife honestly. But is she addicted to drink? And did she go out before too like this?

 

Am I being a typical insecure guy on this? Part of me says "She your wife and should NOT be out drinking with guys

No it does not mean you are insecure in this case , I agree with what you say. I think it is better you try to get her on right track before it get worst. And make it clear you don't agree with it.

[Zeurich]

As a woman I cannot accept it. If she was single then another story. How you feel is totally acceptable. Better to do something before it get worst? Is not that a good idea?

[Mr Scorpio]

I would not be okay with that if the behavior were repeated over and over. However, Donni mentioned, her 2am is 5pm to most folks. I've had nights out -- while in a LTR -- where I didn't come home until 6 hours or so after work.

 

 

It eventually drove me crazy when guys would invite me over for something innocuous like beer and board games and I'd have to turn the invite down because I was "due home" to spend time with the ex. We had different work schedules and it created an uncomfortable dynamic in that sense.

 

 

So I guess my answers is no, not repeatedly. One night drinking and playing Magic? A yellow flag in my mind.

[brokenangel1]

thanks all for your emotional support

 

my mother knows the story and all she says is ''I told you not to marry that women'' Im not one for pubs and bars, if she doesn't want to listen to me I'll just take it that she has fallen out of love with me and fill for divorce the light at the end of the tunnel in this situation is that we don't have kids.

 

She use to be a cyber girl some years back, before she had an interest to work, its strange how people change through the years.

[Citizen Erased]

It's definitely fine, if she was single. Which hopefully she will be soon.

[clia]

If you trust her, I really don't think it's a big deal. I work with a lot of males, and we go out drinking from time to time. For 7 hours? Sure...occasionally. If we leave work at 5 and stay out until midnight...or later. We're all just friends so it's just friends having fun together. So, I think you are overreacting. Obviously my view is not the popular one!

[d0nnivain]

my mother knows the story and all she says is ''I told you not to marry that women'' Im not one for pubs and bars, if she doesn't want to listen to me I'll just take it that she has fallen out of love with me and fill for divorce

 

Wow . . . from one night of drinking too much to divorce court. It pains me when I see how disposable people think marriage is. Again, while I don't necessarily condone the amount of time (8 hours) she spent drinking with these guys, I don't see that infraction alone as necessitating a divorce, without at least a lot more effort to try to work something out.

[Art_Critic]

I can't think of one reason that it would be okay unless she was with family or the room was filled with other women.. but only men.. no effing way...

 

I think this was a huge undermining of your relationship.. a year from now you may actually hear what really happened..

[Poppyolive]

I think having a few drinks with colleagues is normal. She did tell you and invite you. Now, I do find the times off, but I guess that comes with nightshifts.

 

I think, just my opinion, the issue is how you both communicate. First off this should never be done over the text. Its way to stressful to be the sender and receiver.

 

 

Has her drinking been an ongoing issue? Is there a cycle of her doing this, you getting angry. Her getting angry, apologies, love and back around again?

 

If so then there is an underlining problem and may come down to different lifestyle problems, other relationship issues or alcohol problems.

 

Nobodies going to win at this back and forth anger, remarks and hurt. You both need to calm down and communicate to each other what your needs are and go from there.

[Art_Critic]

I think having a few drinks with colleagues is normal. She did tell you and invite you.

 

I agree.. but it only takes an hour or so to drink a few drinks.. 8 hrs later she is now texting him, it might have been hours more before she actually arrived home.

 

I cannot for the life of me believe that it would be okay for a married woman to go AWOL with a bunch of drinking guy work friends and not come home till after the next day and then get upset because her husband is upset...

 

Man....

[MoreCoffee]

Start keeping a journal of everything, and I mean everything that happens, conversations, texts, emails, everything so that when you lawyer up you have a comprehensive account of all the **** she pulled. Be diligent and thorough. From here on out, it's about being emotionally and financially protected. It might even be a good idea to give her enough rope to hang/indict herself. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. Good luck.

Edited August 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Quiet Storm]

No, not OK. It wouldn't be acceptable in my marriage.

 

It doesn't mean you should divorce, but you should certainly clarify your expectations and where the boundaries are.

 

I believe marriages should be respected, treasured and protected. This doesn't just mean don't cheat- it means keep yourself out of situations that make you look bad, even if you're innocent.

 

That phone being in her purse shows she wasn't thinking about you. It should've been in her pocket on vibrate, or in her hand. That part sounds especially shady to me.

[Elias33]

To what kind of husband would that be ok? A husband that doesn't care.

[cassie803]

I think you two should definitely sit down and have a discussion and set some boundaries. Like a few others have said, the length of time is not necessarily cause for concern (just seems odd given the time of day) but the way it played out wasn't right. If I go out with friends (without my husband) or vice versa (husband goes out without me) we will tentatively agree on a timeframe that we will be home.

Say for instance, if I get off work at 4pm and am going out with friends after, I will say "I will probably be home by 10" and if plans change and I think I'm going to be out later, I will call or text with an updated timeframe. That way, he has something to go by so if I'm not home by 10 (or the updated time) and it would be reasonable to assume something has gone wrong. That's what we do, I can't speak for others. Communication is very important and a lot of things can go wrong without it. Trust me, I know. It's not always easy, but if you love each other, you'll figure out what works for you and try to do that.

[marcjb]

Start keeping a journal of everything, and I mean everything that happens, conversations, texts, emails, everything so that when you lawyer up you have a comprehensive account of all the **** she pulled. Be diligent and thorough. From here on out, it's about being emotionally and financially protected. It might even be a good idea to give her enough rope to hang/indict herself. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. Good luck.

 

As far as I understand it doesn't matter in the eyes of the courts even if a person cheated, which is unfortunate. A cheater can still walk away with half, and in some cases allimony.

 

The OP's wife clearly has a distorted view of what a relationship and marriage is. She thinks that she is still single. If she wants to have a bunch of male "friends" she should never have gotten into a relationship or marriage.

Edited August 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cassie803]

Also, you mentioned that you talked to your mom about it. You should always try NOT to get a parent involved in your relationship if you can help it. It will almost always add fuel to the fire. And from the sound of it, your mom was just waiting for an excuse to say "I told you so". Parents don't belong in arguments between married couples. At least that's my opinion...

[Mr Scorpio]

I believe there are other factors to take into consideration. What sort of overlap in schedules does the OP have with his wife? Do they have a large social circle? Have there been infidelity/trust issues in the past? What age are the parties involved?

 

Is it not possible that OP's wife doesn't have many friends? That her social life -- like many adults -- revolves around work? Her work friends invite her out. She has the choice of hanging out with them, or going home to spend time alone while OP sleeps? I was in that situation. It sucked.

 

If that were the case, I could easily see where she would get caught up in actually having a social life and enjoying herself on a night out such that one hour became two, and then three, and then six.

 

Certainly, the phone in the purse was wrong. Not calling to leave a message was inconsiderate. The fact that it was all men makes it a little shifty. But to divorce someone over it? That seems extreme IMO.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Mr Scorpio

[Citizen Erased]

I believe there are other factors to take into consideration. What sort of overlap in schedules does the OP have with his wife? Do they have a large social circle? Have there been infidelity/trust issues in the past? What age are the parties involved?

 

Is it not possible that OP's wife doesn't have many friends? That her social life -- like many adults -- revolves around work? Her work friends invite her out. She has the choice of hanging out with them, or going home to spend time alone while OP sleeps? I was in that situation. It sucked.

 

If that were the case, I could easily see where she would get caught up in actually having a social life and enjoying herself on a night out such that one hour became two, and then three, and then six.

 

Certainly, the phone in the purse was wrong. Not calling to leave a message was inconsiderate. The fact that it was all men makes it a little shifty. But to divorce someone over it? That seems extreme IMO.

 

For me, it was her attitude that was the reason I automatically thought this relationship has a use by date. You're right, her actions can be explained away, excused. But she didn't do that, she turned it all around on him. Doing something wrong and then turning it around on someone else is childish. Who wants to live with someone like that?

[Smilecharmer]

OP, it isn't ok. Both of you need better boundaries if you want to preserve your marriage. Partying all night with other men is a boundary you should have let her know she can't cross. Passive aggressively being angry about it afterwards does nothing but breed confusion. Boundaries have to be placed before the fact. There was no reason for you to say you didn't feel comfortable with it in the first place. Sit down and place those boundaries now.

Edited August 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Keenly]

It would be one thing if she was apologetic about it. Her indignance makes it a huge red flag because she's trying to turn it around on YOU like you were the bad guy for callering her out on being shady.

[MissBee]

Besides the going out drinking with male coworkers none of her behavior seems like she values or respects you. The way she speaks to you, the way she acts like you're bothering her by showing concern, the way she acts flippant when you've been calling her and worried like why are you calling etc...that is UTTERLY disrespectful and she sounds like an immature 16 year old who's trying to stick it to her parents by being rebellious.

 

NO WAY I get off work at 2 am and am gonna go drinking much less with male coworkers if I'm a married woman and my husband is at home. That's nuts! But even if for some reason I did this, I'd plan to stay out for an hour. And if for some reason time got away from me I'd call or text my husband so he wouldn't worry. And if for some reason I didn't do that and he called me worried, I'd apologize. So on MULTIPLE fronts she had a chance to act like a decent human being and wife who gives a shyt and she didn't....

 

I'm sure you all must have other issues and I'd really try to decide henceforth if things can be fixed or not as I absolutely would NOT tolerate this kind of disrespect and nonchalance from a spouse.