Being casual sex material vs relationship material

[Ryan R.]

It seems as if there's always a division between this two, especially when it comes to girls. It seems that for guys, if a girl looks good and acts nice, then she is both casual sex and relationship material. However, with women, it seems to be more dependent upon behavior and definitely looks. I view it as being a spectrum. Some guys lean more heavily to one side than the other. Those of us who were dealt a bad genetic hand facially don't have many (if any) opportunities for casual sex. We pretty much have to settle (yes I said settle) for being relationship or worse yet, "hubby material". Yes, casual sex can be empty (so I've heard, I personally don't know) but it can be fun and it certainly beats the alternative.

 

Being "hubby material" doesn't sound that appealing to me as it implies that you're going to get "chosen" when your partner is finished making her rounds. You're not good enough for sex but only for buying things, raising children, etc. Also, when your girl has been with 20+ guys and she's your first one, it sounds so bad. She has infinitely more experience than you and if she leaves, then you'd be out of luck because she didn't choose you but she "settled" on you.

 

Having a lot of casual sex for guys pretty much means you attract girls on a deeper, primal level rather than just through personality. My friends frequently have casual sex and have girls all the time trying to corner them and get them to commit. My friend/old roommate had a lot of casual sex in college, now he's on autopilot in a relationship.

 

That is just so ideal. Not only did he gain experience but now he's in a relationship with a girl he actually likes. I'm past that point and I missed that window of being in my prime. I've just realized that if you aren't found attractive in college, you probably never will be. All the guys I know that had casual sex in college are more accustomed to girls and so chill around them. That's because they know a woman's sexual side. There's nothing more they can't know. That's why I'm going to a specialist when my friends and I go to Europe, just to break that barrier. Then, I'll work my way up from there.

 

I've already said my peace. So I have a question for the guys: which one would you choose? Which one have you been?

Edited July 11, 2014 by Ryan R.

[ThaWholigan]

Hah, I think I've been both.

 

I remember a female friend of mine (whom I grew to like a lot at one point) describing me as someone a girl should marry, even as far as to say if she wanted just sex she would not call me . Definitely "hubby" material. I don't really think I was happy with that, and personally, I wouldn't describe such a person as "hubby" material .

 

Contrast to 2 years ago. Finally started to get laid. Had a sexual relationship with 2 girls, a year later had a few intimate moments with another girl and dated one particularly beautiful girl during christmas with no sex involved. All of them now have boyfriends, and the most recent of them is engaged and living overseas! I was fond of all those girls and they with me. However, at that point in our lives, I was casual sex material .

 

Personally, I wouldn't choose either of them. I would incorporate elements of both characters. As you said yourself, it is a spectrum. You have to figure out which elements of each you embody and seek to augment them however best you can. I consider myself to be somewhere in the middle. I learned how to be comfortable with my sexuality and how to express that appropriately to women.

 

Also, I never got laid in college. Have done a lot better when I left .

[laurelin]

I've just realized that if you aren't found attractive in college, you probably never will be.

 

Not true. Men get more attractive as they age. Ever seen those high school/college yearbook photos of celebrities and compare them to the 40-year-old version of the same person? Brad Pitt at 20 was nothing compared to Brad Pitt at 40. Same with George Clooney and countless others. One of my exes was cute when he was in college, but, at 40, he was a clothing model and 100 times hotter than he was back in the day when he was "at his prime".

 

And, your attractiveness to women doesn't have anything to do with spending money or prior experience or your ability to raise children, etc. It has to do with how you project yourself. If you know who you are and what you want, then you'll be in the driver's seat of your own life and women will notice that.

 

The man I'm with now is 38. He got married young, only had the 1 partner and divorced 2 years ago and, let me tell you, he's got just as much game as the 40-something model who had been with dozens of women and was a perpetual bachelor. I don't think of him as "hubby" material, per se, because there's much more to him than that. I just think he's sexy and fabulous. I know he's a great catch so I wanna hold on to him because, if I don't, someone else will reap the benefits. If, someday, he wants to be my hubby, then lucky me.

[EasyHeart]

When my college girlfriend dumped me at the end of college, she said, "You're not the kind of guy that a girl marries. You're the guy we fool around with and have fun".

 

I was shocked at the time, but she was right. Accept who you are and then go live your life. It's fun!

[Revolver]

When you're young, it's much better to be seen as the causal sex guy than the relationship guy

[R3d]

I am actually not into casual sex. I am just looking for a nice relationship honestly. That's all I care about. If I can get a reasonably attractive (I don't mean just physically - yes, a part of attraction is physical but it's also about what's on the inside) girlfriend, that will more than satisfy me. That's all I am looking for.

 

Which is surprising because apparently at my age (16), most guys seem more interested in banging as many girls as they can. Me, I just want to find a nice girl that I like and likes me back that I can trust and have a good, secure relationship with.

[ponchsox]

Relationship material = physical chemistry + emotional connection.

[dragon_fly_7]

I am actually not into casual sex. I am just looking for a nice relationship honestly. That's all I care about. If I can get a reasonably attractive (I don't mean just physically - yes, a part of attraction is physical but it's also about what's on the inside) girlfriend, that will more than satisfy me. That's all I am looking for.

 

Which is surprising because apparently at my age (16), most guys seem more interested in banging as many girls as they can. Me, I just want to find a nice girl that I like and likes me back that I can trust and have a good, secure relationship with.

They do that because that's not shamed as badly as when women do it.

If it were horribly shamed, I bet there would be less motivation and they wouldn't even brag about it to their friends. Instead, they would hide that.

 

It's mainly other men that keep rewarding that for the main part, thinking that's something to be proud of.

 

I'd rather be single than be with some guy that slept around with 50+ women and thinks a low count woman like me is impressed by that. Really, that is nothing to be proud of.

Edited July 12, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[Eggplant]

Being "hubby material" doesn't sound that appealing to me as it implies that you're going to get "chosen" when your partner is finished making her rounds. You're not good enough for sex but only for buying things, raising children, etc.

I can't speak for all women; however, if a man isn't good enough for sex, he's not "hubby material." Sorry. Being single is great. I don't need money. Seriously. Are there really so many women out there who want to marry a man they don't love?

[Smilecharmer]

This weird view you have of women is most likely directed towards immature party girls who have casual sex with random drunk dudes. Many of us never did. I didn't do casual sex or even sex before marriage so there were no casual sex guys. There was only the one, the man who was better looking, sexier, more virile, smarter, more interesting than any other man to me, and I married him. I definitely didn't settle for him. Most women search for Mr. Right, not ever settling for some guy to take care of them because this isn't the 1950s and we have careers and are financially able to take care of ourselves. I have no need for a sugar daddy, but want an equal.

Some girls are looking for marriage material who are great sex material. My friends and I (and most women I know) married amazing men we fell in love with and none of them were introverted, ugly short men who we had to settle for because the players were busy or something. We didn't want those players either because they weren't good enough men so we picked the best of the best men to raise our kids with and have a great marriage with while enjoying the everyday with our husbands who are our best friends and our sexiest lovers. In real life there are quality men who are neither players or guys who didn't win the genetic lottery. Some women prefer Men who aren't sleeping with every woman he can because he doesn't play with people's feelings because he is a genuinely nice person who is gorgeous, intelligent, responsible, has interests that are fascinating, good to his parents, respectful of women, upbeat and passionate about life. That guy is who most women want to marry.

Your view of the world is very tiny and seems to be warped by something you feel is lacking in your life. If you want to have casual sex and that is a goal in life for you, then you are just as much a casual sex kind of guy as the guy who is having it. Most well adjusted, successful in life women want a relationship guy and never would settle for a casual sex player kind of guy.

Edited July 13, 2014 by Smilecharmer

[GoodOnPaper]

Some girls are looking for marriage material who are great sex material.

 

I think this supports the OP's notion that he has to conquer casual sex attraction before can have a satisfying relationship. How are we supposed to know if we're great sex material if not by whether women seem to be interested in us for physical reasons? If someone's dating experience is largely disinterest and rejection, it seems far-fetched that down the road, some woman is going to find him the sexiest thing ever.

[dragon_fly_7]

I feel sorry for the OP's distorted view that a man has to be the casual sex material in order to be viewed as relationship material later on by women or that a man that doesn't have a history of sleeping around is one with mental issues that goes beyond not having experience.

 

Seems like he is talking in polar extremes. I doubt most men are in those two categories.

[Smilecharmer]

I think this supports the OP's notion that he has to conquer casual sex attraction before can have a satisfying relationship. How are we supposed to know if we're great sex material if not by whether women seem to be interested in us for physical reasons? If someone's dating experience is largely disinterest and rejection, it seems far-fetched that down the road, some woman is going to find him the sexiest thing ever.

 

Actually ugly, hideous short men get laid, gfs, fiances, wives and children all the time. I know. I go outside and see them. Attraction is subjective apparently.

Oh, and no it supports nothing because his posit was that casual sex is reserved for bad boys and marriage for the looks challenged. My point was I married a guy who was both sex and relationship guy. Most women want that guy who is a great guy and not a stereotype.

Edited July 13, 2014 by Smilecharmer

[ThaWholigan]

I feel sorry for the OP's distorted view that a man has to be the casual sex material in order to be viewed as relationship material later on by women or that a man that doesn't have a history of sleeping around is one with mental issues that goes beyond not having experience.

 

Seems like he is talking in polar extremes. I doubt most men are in those two categories.

Distorted though the young man's view may be, it's a common view - and a wholly understandable one too. I have experienced similar feelings about women when I was younger - not jealousy of my peers who got far more attention from women but generally that I didn't seem at all sexually attractive. The thing is, it is all well and good to be seen as affable enough to be in a relationship, but it is also the case that as men, some of us do desire to be desired on a primal level.

 

It can cause a certain level of low self-esteem if one places an attachment to it, as many men mistakenly do. So I do understand where he's coming from. Once I learned to be comfortable with myself, I ended up experiencing a different extreme, whereby I was seen as sexually attractive to women, but while I believe I possess internal qualities for a relationship, I lacked the material qualities like being financially independent and other such things that would mark out a man as being good relationship material. So I went from "hubby material" and perceiving myself as sexually unattractive to being seen as sexually attractive but not quite "hubby" material.

 

Having experienced both extremes, it's probably a good idea that one doesn't identify themselves with either and lament that one isn't the other. But at the same time, I think women should understand that we'd like to be sexually desired too, whether that's for casual sex or just being a relationship guy .

[Smilecharmer]

Distorted though the young man's view may be, it's a common view - and a wholly understandable one too. I have experienced similar feelings about women when I was younger - not jealousy of my peers who got far more attention from women but generally that I didn't seem at all sexually attractive. The thing is, it is all well and good to be seen as affable enough to be in a relationship, but it is also the case that as men, some of us do desire to be desired on a primal level.

 

It can cause a certain level of low self-esteem if one places an attachment to it, as many men mistakenly do. So I do understand where he's coming from. Once I learned to be comfortable with myself, I ended up experiencing a different extreme, whereby I was seen as sexually attractive to women, but while I believe I possess internal qualities for a relationship, I lacked the material qualities like being financially independent and other such things that would mark out a man as being good relationship material. So I went from "hubby material" and perceiving myself as sexually unattractive to being seen as sexually attractive but not quite "hubby" material.

 

Having experienced both extremes, it's probably a good idea that one doesn't identify themselves with either and lament that one isn't the other. But at the same time, I think women should understand that we'd like to be sexually desired too, whether that's for casual sex or just being a relationship guy .

 

Agreed. Everyone wants to feel desired. I wouldn't have a relationship with a man I didn't sexually desire though so I wonder if what you guys are saying is that it feeds your ego to be used for sex because it means you are aesthetically pleasing? In a relationship women place more emphasis on emotions than sex so it doesn't feed this need? Am I even close?

[carhill]

So I have a question for the guys: which one would you choose? Which one have you been?

 

Having seen the gamut and having been married, I have always chosen relationship material but unfortunately many women have seen me as mind-fµck material so I had to work through that part. I noticed an uptick in the casual sex quotient while married but, again, being relationship-oriented, I dismissed or declined. As a young man, if I were to identify any frustrations of that time, it would have been being passed by for relationships but good enough for a mind-fµck now and again.

 

I think the poster who opined about women looking for great sex material and relationship material hit it on the head. That matches up pretty well and, where there are more men than women, they can be quite selective. That's life!

[Glinda.Good]

Those of us who were dealt a bad genetic hand facially don't have many (if any) opportunities for casual sex. We pretty much have to settle (yes I said settle) for being relationship or worse yet, "hubby material". Yes, casual sex can be empty (so I've heard, I personally don't know) but it can be fun and it certainly beats the alternative.

 

 

Seriously ...

 

Being "hubby material" doesn't sound that appealing to me as it implies that you're going to get "chosen" when your partner is finished making her rounds. You're not good enough for sex but only for buying things, raising children, etc.

 

I guess if you're a sexually frustrated young person with poor self esteem, it might be understandable that you'd consider being "chosen" for a probably drunken one night stand to be more of a privilege, an honor and a fulfilling role in life than being "chosen" to spend a lifetime with and to be a father to my children.

 

Hope you change your mind on that some day. Because you're really off base.

[leavesonautumn]

I feel sorry for the OP's distorted view that a man has to be the casual sex material in order to be viewed as relationship material later on by women or that a man that doesn't have a history of sleeping around is one with mental issues that goes beyond not having experience.

 

Seems like he is talking in polar extremes. I doubt most men are in those two categories.

 

I've found this to be true a lot on this site lately. There are so many "women are like..." and "men are like...". No wonder people are having such a hard time dating or having casual sex. Placing people into categories will only hurt your chances of actually finding someone you're compatible with.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think this supports the OP's notion that he has to conquer casual sex attraction before can have a satisfying relationship. How are we supposed to know if we're great sex material if not by whether women seem to be interested in us for physical reasons? If someone's dating experience is largely disinterest and rejection, it seems far-fetched that down the road, some woman is going to find him the sexiest thing ever.

Again why does it have to be polar extremes only?

 

A) He can be someone with a low sexual past that never had casual sex (ex: 1-3 long-term relationships) with a healthy view towards relationships and is confident. He would have both sex material and marriage material qualities.

 

B) Or a healthy virgin that indeed has a great sex drive, is confident and always motivated in learning more. By the time marriage comes, he would already be experienced even if it was just with her whom he marries later on. He has both qualities as well too.

 

Both of these men I would consider marriage material. Technically both of them are experienced without the needing to feel that having casual sex is the only way. He can be with the same woman for years and have sex with her almost every day. That's just as much as doing it with random women he never plans to date further nor see again.

[somedude81]

Men that are only "marriage material" tend to be ignored by all women under 25, possibly even up to 30.

[ThaWholigan]

Agreed. Everyone wants to feel desired. I wouldn't have a relationship with a man I didn't sexually desire though so I wonder if what you guys are saying is that it feeds your ego to be used for sex because it means you are aesthetically pleasing? In a relationship women place more emphasis on emotions than sex so it doesn't feed this need? Am I even close?

 

Getting there!

 

Some guys - like myself - grow up "perceiving" no attention from women other than of a platonic variety (I use perceiving because I'm assured that I, and other guys, have had attention from girls and just not noticed it) and then observed their peers having wanton fun with women of all kinds. Then you grow up, and the trend continues. Then you get into a relationship with a woman. She thinks you're a really nice guy, but the nature of the relationship isn't really one that has the kind of lust and sexual intimacy that you observe other men receiving from women. It's like a touch above friendship, and she occasionally f*cks you but it's like conservative missionary and sh*t .

 

Now, generally I don't hold this view, and I have now garnered enough confidence in myself that I don't believe this will happen to me. But a lot of guys think that this will happen, or worst, they will continue to have no women be interested in them. So it's nice to know that a woman really wants to have sex with you, it's a different kind of feeling to when a woman thinks you're nice or likes you for something outside of physical desire.

[Smilecharmer]

Getting there!

 

Some guys - like myself - grow up "perceiving" no attention from women other than of a platonic variety (I use perceiving because I'm assured that I, and other guys, have had attention from girls and just not noticed it) and then observed their peers having wanton fun with women of all kinds. Then you grow up, and the trend continues. Then you get into a relationship with a woman. She thinks you're a really nice guy, but the nature of the relationship isn't really one that has the kind of lust and sexual intimacy that you observe other men receiving from women. It's like a touch above friendship, and she occasionally f*cks you but it's like conservative missionary and sh*t .

 

Now, generally I don't hold this view, and I have now garnered enough confidence in myself that I don't believe this will happen to me. But a lot of guys think that this will happen, or worst, they will continue to have no women be interested in them. So it's nice to know that a woman really wants to have sex with you, it's a different kind of feeling to when a woman thinks you're nice or likes you for something outside of physical desire.

 

 

Thank you. I think this is where the disconnect is. Please bear with me as this might not make sense. I would rather be loved than desired because my experience as a woman has been the exact opposite. As a woman the attention starts at twelve and feels like you being aggressively pursued for sex everyday by almost every guy you meet until you wear sweats and ball caps and oversized clothes so you can get some peace. Nothing you achieve or do or say is more important than your looks to the young guys around you and the perverted old guys too. They leer, ogle and get in your space so you have to be mean and hostile so they will stop annoying you to death. From twelves this happens to me everyday and still happens. I just wanted a guy who saw more than my looks and I found one. We still be all romantic and I'm no cold fish because he is super sexy and sensual. Most party girls who are looking for drama instead of relationships usually wouldn't be girls I would think would be marriage material later anyway. They hold onto that lifestyle after marriage. Find well adjusted girls who are looking for something real and who also find you sexy.

[somedude81]

It's a truly horrible feeling believing that nobody desires you.

[Els]

IMO? You have absolutely no idea what being 'relationship material' actually entails, because you have never been that either (which is of course a surprise given your, uh, wonderful personality). You are idealizing 'casual sex material', because it certainly beats being 'no material'.

 

From observation, the guys who actually do choose between the two - some will prefer the relationship and others will prefer the casual sex.

 

Also, as for the guys who let themselves be 'settled for' by a woman who clearly doesn't care about them but only wants their money? The onus is on themselves for allowing that, same as if a woman stays with a 'partner' who only cares about their appearance and sex. Not much sympathy for either.

[somedude81]

IMO? You have absolutely no idea what being 'relationship material' actually entails, because you have never been that either (which is of course a surprise given your, uh, wonderful personality). You are idealizing 'casual sex material', because it certainly beats being 'no material'.

 

From observation, the guys who actually do choose between the two - some will prefer the relationship and others will prefer the casual sex.

 

Also, as for the guys who let themselves be 'settled for' by a woman who clearly doesn't care about them but only wants their money? The onus is on themselves for allowing that, same as if a woman stays with a 'partner' who only cares about their appearance and sex. Not much sympathy for either.

 

Are you talking to me Elswyth?