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My stubborn boyfriend


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Ok, my bf and I have been together for over 2 yrs. I love him to death and usually things r good. Lately however we have been in a "rough patch". I thought we were getting out of it, but tonight assured me that we r still in it. He was in one of his moods where he talks to me like I am a moron and everything I say is ridiculous. I asked him to stop nicely once and he snapped back at me. I tried to blow it off but he kept it up. I told him to stop being a d*** and he asked me why I had such an attitude.He kept poking me and poking me so I asked him to leave and he just sat there and didn't do anything. I told him I would drive him home (as his car wasn't at my house) and he asked me if I was serious. I of course was, so he packed up his stuff as I was getting my keys. When I opened the door he asked what I was doing and told me he was walking. I didn't think he would do it, but he is so stubborn that he actually walked home (2 miles). I texted him 5 min after he left to let him know that I would still take him and he told me to stop "harassing him". This is the worst it has gotten and idk what to do. I am always the one apologizing, but this time I won't.

 

I feel like we r playing a game and one of us has to be the winner. I let my anger and frustration get the better of me sometimes when I could avoid a fight. I still love him and don't want to let him go because of his stupid pride and my want to "win" the stupid fights. How do I do my part to better the situation and how do I help him not be so stubborn?

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This is a common pitfall for lovers who haven't placed boundaries yet. When you are with someone a lot, it is common that you take them for granted and lash out if you are feeling tired, annoyed, taken for granted, pressured, bored or uncomfortable.

Sit down with your bf and tell him that you both are taking the fighting too far and you need to make agreed upon rules to disagreeing. The best way to go about this is for you to tell him how you feel, and it worries you that your fighting is becoming more about keeping score than moving forward in your relationship. Make rules about fighting and write them down. These are things that both of you must agree on. Examples:

 

No name calling.

No aggressive behavior like yelling, getting in each other's space, pushing, hitting or restraining.

If things get heated, take a fifteen minute break. It is okay to say, I feel very angry right now, I am going to the back yard for ten minutes to cool down.

No ignoring the other or silent treatment to exceed an agreed upon time frame.

No throwing things or destroying shared or personal property.

No bringing up the past.

Do not air relationship problems in social media sites like Facebook or Twitter.

Tell each other you love each other when you are scared so to show trust and acceptance that disagreeing is okay and it will not affect your love story.

No involvement of outside parties to your problems.

Have a spiritual advisor or couples counselor on hand for any big threats to your relationship (especially important if couple is married and has a hard time communicating.)

These are just a sample, and you two can figure out together what is acceptable.

Next, figure out what is your objective and what is his for a disagreement. For example, my wife has an overwhelming need to be heard and validated so her objective would be to have my say, have my voice and the other person listen. My objective is usually to fix something and make it all better. Our objectives have nothing in common but if we know what they are we can work together to end the disagreement with both of us getting what we want. Objective can't be winning the fight because in that case, neither of you win anything. What are your reasons that you need to be right? Think of that and it usually becomes more clear...I need to be right because I need to fix this issue because I am used to taking care of everything due to neglectful parents. My wife might say, I need to be right because I need my partner to validate me because I was ignored as a child. You will have your own.....I need to win is never really the reason people fight. There is always something deeper that motivates them.

Good luck, I hope this helped a little,

Grumps

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