with a husband who calls sick into work - WHEN WE NEED THE MONEY?

[11thSign]

For the past few years we go through arguments when he calls in sick to work (90% of the time he is not actually sick).

 

He does not get paid for these days - at his job, they cannot book vacation time throughout the year...they have to pick vacation time in February.

 

I did have a great job a few years ago so we didn't really notice the impact as much as we do now that I lost that job and have only been working part time the last 4 years.

 

Anyway, he keeps calling in sick to work when we need the money. He just missed 4 days in a row cause he had a sore throat and some sniffles.

 

I can't keep yelling at a grown man to go to work can I? A few weeks ago I explained (after him missing 3 days on that pay cheque) that Christmas is coming in a few weeks....and that he needs to not miss anymore work.

 

Sorry if I am all over the place here...Just trying to see what people think. Its embarassing to discuss with my friends - Yay me...the one with the lazy husband.

 

And its not like hes home doing chores/fixing things....hes watching Stargate and playing on his iphone?

 

He puts on a load of laundry and cant even be bothered to fold it...yay..wrinkley clothes for us

 

Sigh

[Balzac]

If he's playing on an iPhone somebody is paying the bill. In most cases the logical consequence of reduced income is teduced luxury.

 

This isn't about laundry.

[Copelandsanity]

I guess it depends on what the money is needed for. Christmas gifts aren't going to motivate him because those are considered discretionary expenses and luxuries, and not priorities.

[11thSign]

We have three children, so that is why I am getting worried about Christmas. When I lost my full time job a few years ago, I cancelled the cable and cut out non-luxury items.

 

I have been working part time since then (we live in a General Motors town with not very many new job opportunities)

 

With my husband missing work and not getting paid for those days I will then have to decide which bills will be paid late. Obviously mortgage first,food for my children, and then from there. When he works a full week things are managable, but with him missing work so often I am worried we will start getting behind again.

 

We have had this discussion many times - we need to be able to count on our incomes so we can provide for our children. I am the one who pays the bills so it is me stressing where the money is coming from.

 

I even do a in home party business on top of my part time job to try to make up more money from my side of things.

 

I appreciate the comments...there are other issues as well but I feel this is really important. How can you not want to provide for your children? And when i get upset that he misses work...it is my fault because I don't have a full time job...I HAVE applied for full time work but no responses. Its a competitive market in this city...

 

Who knows....maybe he is depressed?

[FitChick]

Sell your house and move to where there are job opportunities, like Texas. Read this article about the correlation between unemployment and home ownership.

[anne1707]

Sell your house and move to where there are job opportunities, like Texas. Read this article about the correlation between unemployment and home ownership.

 

You make it sound all so simple.

 

You do realise that it costs money to move house? Apart from other non-financial costs like loss of support networks, e.g. family, friends or the impact in children changing schools.

[HokeyReligions]

I think you hit the nail on the head. Depression. Its a serious illness and spreading rapidly in this economy. Is there any medical help you can get for him?

 

I wish I could offer real help. All I can tell you is how we survived and that is by cutting down to the bare bones. Cheap food. Zero luxuries. Sell what you don't need. I've been poor and survived. You will too. Try to lean on each other instead of blaming and yelling. That never helps or solves anything.

[crederer]

I had an ex that did this. She'd probably call in sick about once a month. Which to me was super weird as I think I only called in sick to work once in my entire life and it was when I had a flu so bad I couldn't do anything but puke and ****.

 

She'd also always complain about our money issues, which is weird cause money doesn't just magically show up.

 

But yeah, she was super depressed and i think that had to do with it. As another poster stated, I'd explore that.

[11thSign]

I don't really know what depression looks like. I mean I have an idea. It's just like he's only depressed at home? When he is with his friends (and drinking beer) he is so happy. Many times he has choosen to spend 6 or more hours with his friends than with his own children. Even if he is home, he is in the basement watching TV, playing on phone etc. Also, how can someone justify purchasing beer or playing proline after they missed 4 days work. What about groceries for the kids? Utility bills etc? I am far from perfect but I try really hard to do the right thing.

 

I just feel fed up having to parent this other adult

[crederer]

Ya people that are depressed are usually good at hiding it and only show it with people they're most comfortable with. Going out being happy with his friends doesn't mean he's not depressed.

 

Is he really moody? Does he complain alot, mope around, say dark things, get emotional, talk about death, lack of ambition, doesn't care much about anything? These are all pretty normal signs of depression.

[MidwestUSA]

Depression? Maybe, but I doubt it. He simply sounds incredibly immature and selfish. Calling in sick, but watching Stargate and playing on his iPhone? Three kids, but YOU should be working full time? Friends before his own kids? Beer before groceries for his family? He's having fun alright, living out his man childhood.

 

OP, I wish you a lot of luck. Blessings.

[11thSign]

Funny to see the last time I posted was Nov. 2013.

 

After reading some other threads, I feel like I'm about to be walk away wife?

 

I can't stop thinking about leaving. I wrote him a letter in February putting my heart on the line...and he wrote back a letter: Just wait and see...It's going to be great. He promised to be a better dad, and husband. To go to work.

 

I'd rate his effort 20% overall. He still missed work. And barely showed me any attention. He did put in a smidge more effort with the boys. My daughter doesn't respect any parenting from him. As a teenager she sees how he is.

 

Whatever...my heart just isn't in it anymore. I waited to long and detached myself from getting hurt anymore

 

Hes been nice for 3 weeks now. Perhaps because I'm crying more than normal at nothing. It takes for me to hit rock bottom emotionally before he thinks Ok, lets have a look at the finances?

 

Now I'm feeling bad that he is trying and I just don't care. I'm not even sure why Im back here again.

 

Happy Friday anyway!

[preraph]

If you do walk away, you can have them take the child support out of his paycheck so at least that forces him to contribute. It might be simpler for you, but only you can make that determination.

[Gloria25]

I wish I could recommend you walk away, but you have three kids. If you do, you might have even more headaches chasing him down for child support and trying to take care of the kids on your own - while you try to work and support the kids.

 

Why don't you guys try a "role reversal"? Since he likes to stay home so much, why don't he watch the kids (to save on daycare) and you be the breadwinner?

 

I'm just trying to make suggestions on how make the best of a bad situation.

[Tayken]

For the past few years we go through arguments when he calls in sick to work (90% of the time he is not actually sick).

 

He does not get paid for these days - at his job, they cannot book vacation time throughout the year...they have to pick vacation time in February.

 

I did have a great job a few years ago so we didn't really notice the impact as much as we do now that I lost that job and have only been working part time the last 4 years.

 

Anyway, he keeps calling in sick to work when we need the money. He just missed 4 days in a row cause he had a sore throat and some sniffles.

 

I can't keep yelling at a grown man to go to work can I? A few weeks ago I explained (after him missing 3 days on that pay cheque) that Christmas is coming in a few weeks....and that he needs to not miss anymore work.

 

Sorry if I am all over the place here...Just trying to see what people think. Its embarassing to discuss with my friends - Yay me...the one with the lazy husband.

 

And its not like hes home doing chores/fixing things....hes watching Stargate and playing on his iphone?

 

He puts on a load of laundry and cant even be bothered to fold it...yay..wrinkley clothes for us

 

Sigh

 

 

1. Why are you not working full-time?

 

2. What do you means xmas is coming...hopefully you are not alluding to need to spend money because of?

 

3. You think it's fun for him to tell his buddies that his wife only works part-time?

 

I think you are all over the place, and while I don't condone this guy's attitude if indeed he is well enough to work and isn't, onus should not be placed on him only to bring in the top dollar.

 

Your attitude from what am reading is unfortunately one that most women have....looking for that guy who is willing to do 90%, while they only do 10%. Main reason I got rid of my ex if am honest here.

[11thSign]

Thank you for the suggestions!

 

Tayken - To answer your questions:

1) My original post was a year ago. I am since employed full time at my job. I work for a non-profit charity. Not many more hours but a nice pay increase as well.

 

2) Yes, Xmas is here again. My kids often go without. So having gifts are somewhat important to me. The two older kids are old enough to understand. The little one still believes I just want to make them happy.

 

3) I don't know what he tells his buddies. Some of his pay cheques worked out to the same dollar per hour as I make since he was missing so many hours.

 

Also...I can tell a few of his buddies see what kind of dad/husband he is. They have made a few drunken comments to me and often make fun of his laziness.

 

I am not looking for top dollar. I am looking for a partner. 50/50 would be ideal LOL

I am the one doing 90%. Sure, he makes more NOW...but for many years I was bringing in the top dollar. I worked for a luxury car company - then 2008 recession hit. I was at the end maternity leave and couldn't get unemployment insurance since it comes from the same pool of $$. This is a General Motors town...jobs were scarce. Still are here. I make pretty decent money for what I do now. I have the best bosses. They are very flexible with work/life balance.

 

I just wanted a husband who tried to be the best he could be. A father who actually wanted to spend time with the great kids we have. I loved him soooo much. Constantly trying to get him to spend time at home with me and the kids. Then finally...April 2013, I was like F*&^ this.

 

I know what is the right thing to do. It's just hard. I feel bad that I don't think I can come back from where I am. Its so hard to see the positives in him. I don't want to have to show him what he needs to do. I just don't have the energy anymore. I can't even fight anymore. Whats the point. Its just going to be my fault

[carhill]

Nothing quite like the sheriff showing up at the door with a gun and divorce papers to put some reality into the humdrum of everyday life.

 

The rest sorts itself out. People do it every day and, overwhelmingly, die old people in their beds.

 

Identify the fear; work the fear. If you need help with that, there is low to no cost counseling available. Good luck!