Aren't we just enabling him?

[proactivedreamer]

I don't know where to start with my story...I have been with my bf for 1 year and 9 months. I have stayed because I have immense hope that something profound in him would change. He is sweet, kind, and so on. There is just one major problem. He has been jobless for around three years and has no hs diploma. Yes, I knew he had no job and some other problems before I decided to be with him, but I thought- hoped, things would be different. There has been a lot of talk of getting therapy for his social anxiety, studying for his GED, and Perhaps getting a job.

I found out tonight that his mom started to give him an allowance. I'm pretty pissed off about this because this isn't going to help him make any major changes in his. I have spoken to his mom before about the situation, and told her I needed her help on motivating him to get his life together again. She pays for the roof over his head, bought him a car( she uses it. Long story for another time). He isn't really making great strides as far as studying, and working getting a therapy situation in place to help him with his social anxiety. I will admitt that I have paid for almost every outing, dinner, and activity. I just want some semblance of a normal relationship, but I think giving him an allowance has gone to far. I mentioned it to him, and he didn't want to talk about it. He told me not to make him feel guilty. My whole issue is that he doesn't have an incentive to change his circumstances if she and I continue to pay and do everything for him. I have found it difficult to not fall into the trap of taking care of him because I love him and want to help. But this isn't helping! I have contemplated ending this relationship because of these circumstances , but I guess I have let hope deceive me. I don't know what to do from this point. Any insight?

[Outsider77]

Yes, you are enabling him. People with social anxiety usually do not change unless they are forced to. Some people don't want to change at all.

 

I've known some people with social anxiety. His anxieties about dealing with people are probably overpowering his desire to change, if he has one. Either way, what you two are doing is not helping. The best thing that you can do is get him the information necessary to see a therapist and maybe help set up an appointment.

 

Don't pay for anything anymore. Don't help him with anything that is outside the goals of getting a GED, getting therapy, or getting a job. If you do, you are not helping him to change the situation.

[proactivedreamer]

I got him a book called dying of embarrassed, and he was very receptive to it. It seemed like he was excited about it, and he showed me some goals he had that he wanted to work on. That was a little over a month ago. I haven't seen much happening. He spends his days sleeping, playing video games, watching tv. He maybe studies for 20 mins a day, or not at all. It's already the end of October. In order to apply for school he needs to get his GED by January. There has been a lot of talking and no real action. I told him living with his mom is not helpin him. She's not pushing him to change or get help at all. I'm not sure what I suppose to do. I guess I just want to enjoy doing things together and sometimes that takes money. I'm afraid that things will be the same in six months. I guess I am at a crossroads. I need to really get down to doing what's best for me, but I want to help this guy that I love at the same time. Unfortunately, the relationship as it stands, is not sustainable.

[Outsider77]

I would have a serious talk with him about it. Tell him that you are not willing to continue this relationship unless he starts making some real changes. And then stand by your word. It's not fair to you to be in such a one-sided relationship.

 

Do you really want to have a relationship with someone who has no ambition? It seems like you have ambition and want to be successful. He doesn't, at least not right now.

 

I would give him a chance to change. He is probably depressed in addition to having social anxiety. I'm sure it makes it difficult for him to accomplish things. However, if he doesn't start making an effort, I would end the relationship. Some people just aren't willing to make the necessary changes to better their lives. You can try to encourage him and help him make these changes, but you can't make him want to change.

[almond]

He will not be able to change overnight.

 

If he is in fact struggling with an anxiety disorder and he feels that this is responsible for holding him back like this, then he absolutely needs to commit 110% to treatment to resolve this.

 

If I were in your position, I would tell him that I am unwilling to continue the relationship unless he is willing to see a professional, and to continue doing so in hopes of gaining a better quality of life.

 

If he does not commit to getting better, and does not take the necessary steps to get help to do so, then leave.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

It's a mistake to start dating someone with the idea of having him change. Even more of a mistake to start criticizing his mother about her parenting style in your nearly two-year campaign to change him.

 

Date the person you're with or move on. You get to live your life. He gets to live his. Since his choices don't work for you, find someone else. We are all imperfect and bring different gifts and flaws to the table. Someone will appreciate the gifts that he offers...but that person is just not you. He can't give you what you need. Accept it and go find someone more suited to you.

[Lauriebell82]

He has no intention of changing and neither does his mother. You are not going to get them to change either.

 

If you cant accept him as he is right now without him ever changing then you need to leave the relationship.

[ClemsonTigers]

If you stay with him and eventually marry him....YOU will be expected to replace his enabling mother. His self-loathing will continue along with his heightened sense of entitlement and you'll, no doubt, have an adulterer on your hands within 5 or 10 years as well.

 

Break up with him and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE being dumped for being a loaf will finally motivate him to get off his butt and follow through with getting a life of his own. It probably won't work but if it did...you COULD revisit the relationship if say, three years from now you haven't found anyone else.

 

As Pretty in Pink stated above...you matter in this equation too. Do your dreams include supporting a jobless man the rest of your life? If this is unacceptable behavior LATER ~~ it should be unacceptable behavior NOW. He's found a girlfriend willing to support him despite his inability to care for himself...he likes this setup....it works for him.

 

Best way to move on. Pull the band-aid off swiftly and then separate yourself from the person to allow your feelings to dissipate and to gain perspective. 6 months from now you'll wonder why you even considered staying. I've seen many persons in your situations find the perfect relationship immediately upon becoming single. The fact you are even seeking advice here is a sign that you are ready for a committed relationship but are attempting to apply logic to the qualifying decisions versus living your life on "feelings" alone. If you're having trouble getting over this decision hump take a trip out of town for a couple of weeks. Separate yourself from him and don't talk to him. Even a couple weeks will help you think more clearly.

 

Another option...date others. If he wants to continue dating you...he needs to step up, ask you out and take you places on HIS dime, otherwise and until then, you are going to pursue dates with other available men in your area. See what's out there. Be honest and put the onus on HIM to compete or get out of the way (of your life).

[proactivedreamer]

Thanks your insights and responses MY boyfriend is 25, and he wasn't always this way. I guess I just want to help him heal his life. I want to show him another life, another way to live. I don't think it's wrong for me to be critical of the forces that are keeping him from obtaining some

Functionality, and a chance at having a rich and full life. I don't think it's wrong for me to want to, or try to change these things that are stifling him. He has told me numerous times that I have made his life better. He needs someone or something to push him towards the light. I love him, and yeah I have chosen to stay sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. It's just in my nature to want to help. I'm just terribly conflicted because how long is too long? I need to give you guys more info. Stay tuned...

[spiderowl]

I was in a similar relationship and eventually had to end it. It went on and on like that. The guy had no interest in changing the way he was. He was not motivated or ambitious. I thought it was lack of confidence or opportunity, but no, in the end it was lack of motivation because he felt he'd never fit in to the normal working environment. He was probably right. I spent many years with him and it was incredibly stressful because of this. Now I would avoid a relationship like that.

 

It seems to me you are already seeing the signs that HE is not motivated and his mother feels a need to help him out. Unless you want years of having to be on his back and then feeling guilty for pushing him forward, cut your losses now. He may be a lovely guy but a guy should share responsibilities and be prepared to take on the income responsibilities for a while when you have children, otherwise he is not going to be the supportive partner you need.

[proactivedreamer]

Thanks spiderowl I broke up with him today. It hurts a great deal because I whole-heartedly wanted this to work out. I really believed in it, and put so much time and energy into trying to help him out of this hole.

 

I went to his house today to help him study. I bought some supplies to help him get organized, and even found a free program that helps adults obtain a GED. I was so excited, and hopeful, but when I arrived he was sleeping. It was 2pm. He said he was going to sleep for another hour then wake up to study. He didn't wake up. I got mad. I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I don't want to this anymore. I seriously don't. It has been nearly two years of excuses, and his plain ole bad attitude toward life itself. I guess I thought I could save him. I thought I could generate some amount of motivation and willpower. I am so angry with him. I'm just angry that this was really the only thing holding us back. We got along fine, and I really could see myself with him if only he would just tackle these very real problems.

 

I know I can't blame myself, but I just feel so much resistance toward the idea that someone could accept living in such a manner. I mean could he seriously be ok with living off mommy, and food stamps. He wasn't like that before. He had a managerial job when he was 22-23, and had his own place. Why can't he re-envision that for himself. He just seems so empty, and full of darkness. I am just so hurt by his lack of action. I tried so hard. Bought books, told stories, tried to connect him with people who had things in common with him who could be great connections for realizing his dreams. I did everything right, or so I thought.

 

I'm so confused, and hurt, and torn up about it. I know I will move on, but it just feels like he just couldn't give a ****.That's how it really feels. Why?

[Outsider77]

I know I can't blame myself, but I just feel so much resistance toward the idea that someone could accept living in such a manner. I mean could he seriously be ok with living off mommy, and food stamps. He wasn't like that before. He had a managerial job when he was 22-23, and had his own place. Why can't he re-envision that for himself. He just seems so empty, and full of darkness. I am just so hurt by his lack of action. I tried so hard. Bought books, told stories, tried to connect him with people who had things in common with him who could be great connections for realizing his dreams. I did everything right, or so I thought.

 

You can't make people change. They have to want to. He is probably not able to motivate himself to change. He has serious problems. His depression and anxiety are probably overwhelming any desire he might have to better himself. It probably has nothing to do with you; he doesn't care about ANYTHING.

 

For instance, people who are alcoholics have to decide for themselves that they can't take it anymore, and go to a support group like AA and give up drinking entirely. Their families and friends can try for years to make them quit but it doesn't do any good unless the person actually makes the decision to give it up. But it's not because their loved ones did anything wrong, it's just the way they are.

 

He may love you a lot but it just might not be enough for him to change. But that's not your fault and you have done all you could for him. You've done way more than most people would in your position.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks spiderowl I broke up with him today. It hurts a great deal because I whole-heartedly wanted this to work out. I really believed in it, and put so much time and energy into trying to help him out of this hole.

 

I went to his house today to help him study. I bought some supplies to help him get organized, and even found a free program that helps adults obtain a GED. I was so excited, and hopeful, but when I arrived he was sleeping. It was 2pm. He said he was going to sleep for another hour then wake up to study. He didn't wake up. I got mad. I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I don't want to this anymore. I seriously don't. It has been nearly two years of excuses, and his plain ole bad attitude toward life itself. I guess I thought I could save him. I thought I could generate some amount of motivation and willpower. I am so angry with him. I'm just angry that this was really the only thing holding us back. We got along fine, and I really could see myself with him if only he would just tackle these very real problems.

 

I know I can't blame myself, but I just feel so much resistance toward the idea that someone could accept living in such a manner. I mean could he seriously be ok with living off mommy, and food stamps. He wasn't like that before. He had a managerial job when he was 22-23, and had his own place. Why can't he re-envision that for himself. He just seems so empty, and full of darkness. I am just so hurt by his lack of action. I tried so hard. Bought books, told stories, tried to connect him with people who had things in common with him who could be great connections for realizing his dreams. I did everything right, or so I thought.

 

I'm so confused, and hurt, and torn up about it. I know I will move on, but it just feels like he just couldn't give a ****.That's how it really feels. Why?

 

How did he react? Btw, does he smoke weed?

[AntiSocal]

Are you serious? You need to dump that dude NOW.

 

When i was 17 i was like him. I dropped out. I had no job. I had no GED. You know what forced me to get my life together? Living in an abandoned house and starving every night.

 

If he doesn't struggle he won't ever actualize. He doesn't need to. First he had his mommy taking care of him. Now he has you. The dude is a bum. Find someone else.

 

He is 25... How do you even make it to 25 without getting your GED? How can you not feel like the ultimate failure? If i was him i would wanna blow my brains out.

[proactivedreamer]

You can't make people change. They have to want to. He is probably not able to motivate himself to change. He has serious problems. His depression and anxiety are probably overwhelming any desire he might have to better himself. It probably has nothing to do with you; he doesn't care about ANYTHING.

 

For instance, people who are alcoholics have to decide for themselves that they can't take it anymore, and go to a support group like AA and give up drinking entirely. Their families and friends can try for years to make them quit but it doesn't do any good unless the person actually makes the decision to give it up. But it's not because their loved ones did anything wrong, it's just the way they are.

 

He may love you a lot but it just might not be enough for him to change. But that's not your fault and you have done all you could for him. You've done way more than most people would in your position.

 

You're right he doesn't care about anything. He has made statements regarding feeling completely apathetic toward eveything in life. It just bothers me knowing that there are resources and people out there who can help him out of his depression and anxiety. It's cyclical with him. He knows he needs help but refuses it. He said something the other day about how getting help would make him feel inferior. Huh? Aren't you at your weakest when you are depressed? Wouldn't you want someone or something to build you up and make you strong again? He said he's afraid to change. I think he likes being depressed. It's almost as if it's part of his identity. Depression runs on his mom's side of the family, so I know it's a big thing with them. It's just really hard to accept that he doesn't want or have the willpower to do anything about this.

 

And yes, he smoke weed. He injured in clavicle-I don't know how long ago, but it it bothers him so he smokes for the pain. By the way he was suicidal twice in his life. Tried to kill himself about three years ago, and obviously wasn't successful. When he woke up, and realized he wasnt dead, he knew he wanted to live. I don't understand what happened since then if he wanted to live.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry you have all that pain and I do know what it's like. It may be he's depressed, but even so, you can't force someone to do things they don't want to do - they have to have some self-motivation. You could spend months/years of your life supporting, encouraging and still be disappointed. He might even get angry with you for trying to get him to do things that would help him out of his current situation.

 

I well understand the mixed feelings, the frustration, anger, guilt, but your feelings matter too. Someone said this to me once, when I was in that black hole and feeling a total lack of support from this partner who managed to not get himself into an occupation no matter how supportive I was. A friend said 'your feelings matter too'. I was trying to understand him, trying to be supportive, to make up for what he wasn't doing, enabling, being co-dependent, working harder myself, coping on little income. It all failed. It had to come from him and he has since admitted he never felt he'd cope with the workplace.

 

Look after yourself and your dreams because they matter too.

[Outsider77]

And yes, he smoke weed. He injured in clavicle-I don't know how long ago, but it it bothers him so he smokes for the pain. By the way he was suicidal twice in his life. Tried to kill himself about three years ago, and obviously wasn't successful. When he woke up, and realized he wasnt dead, he knew he wanted to live. I don't understand what happened since then if he wanted to live.

 

I was with someone once who tried to commit suicide before I met him. He had a lot of problems. When we were together, he was bettering himself, but once we broke up he went way downhill. He started drinking, etc. Didn't take care of himself. He didn't want help. There was nothing I could do. His family was not helping him either.

 

I know it's hard, but it's not your job to save him. You can try to be there for him, but I think it's good that you broke up. You shouldn't make yourself miserable, too.

 

Some people do think of asking for help as admitting to a weakness and won't do it. Not sure how getting a therapist is worse than living with your mom and being unemployed. Doesn't make sense to me either.

[proactivedreamer]

I just wanted to ask one last thing. Is family isn't really aware of what's going on with him, and I think getting them involved might be a tremendous help to him. I am just not sure of how sensitive they will be to his problems. I don't really know them. I always wanted to, but he always avoids them. I guess he is ashamed. I know everyone here says I should move on, but he is my friend and he is a good person. I was thinking about staging an intervention, is that too much? I know that my (ex) bf cannot do this alone. I think he wishes he could, but he reality is that it has been 3 years since his attempted suicide, and nothing has changed. He's been saying that he wants to since I've know him-2years now. I guess I don't want to abandon him. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly, but it doesn't feel right just leaving him like that. Does that make sense. I feel like I was in his life for a reason, and wasn't to leave him like this. What do you guys think about me talking with his family, and staging an intervention?

[Outsider77]

I think that if you really are worried about him, then you should talk to his family. I tried that myself and it didn't work, but you may not be able to live with yourself if you don't do something. At least if you try to talk to them, you will know that you did what you could to help him.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to stage an intervention at this point. Just try to talk to some family members and see what happens.