SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 My MM has been telling me for a long time that his BS not knowing about us is the best outcome for her and his kids and us as a couple. That he wants to go through the process of their relationship breaking down of its own accord and then openly dating me after an appropriate transition period. But... Everything I've been reading here on LS indicates that BSs want to know about an affair. I'm truly confused. I would have thought that it would be better for the BS to not know regardless of the outcome of an A. That knowing would just cause unnecessary and avoidable hurt. I would really like to know BSs thoughts and experiences. Is it helpful to know the truth of an A? Despite the hurt? If the truth of an affair is paramount, is there a 'best' way to learn that truth? I would really like to refrain from comments on future faking, etc. This is really important to me to try and understand a BS's perspective on affairs and truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I wanna know the person I decided to spend my life with, and I wanna make my own decissions whether or not to share my wife with other men. Of course she's free to pursue other males, but let me have the choice to accept it, seek my own opportunities or leave the situation. Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical relevance 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) Tell me (BS) the truth. Being played for a fool is just as painful as the affair itself. It adds insult to injury to the n'th degree. The BS has the right to know the truth so he/she can make life changing decisions for themselves empowered with reality, not lies and deception. Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) My MM has been telling me for a long time that his BS not knowing about us is the best outcome for her and his kids and us as a couple. That he wants to go through the process of their relationship breaking down of its own accord and then openly dating me after an appropriate transition period. How long is this "breaking down of its own accord" take? But... Everything I've been reading here on LS indicates that BSs want to know about an affair. I'm truly confused. I would have thought that it would be better for the BS to not know regardless of the outcome of an A. That knowing would just cause unnecessary and avoidable hurt. Yes it hurts. But that should have been considered prior to engaging in an affair. I would really like to know BSs thoughts and experiences. Is it helpful to know the truth of an A? Yes. Despite the hurt? Yes. If the truth of an affair is paramount, is there a 'best' way to learn that truth? From the WS, but in your case I am pretty sure that is not going to happen. Therefore it must come from you or self discovery/evidence. Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content 5 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 They surely 'want' to know... who wouldn't? But then they end up torturing themselves with it for the rest of their lives. Sometimes 'what you don't know won't hurt you.' That is a truism. And more often than not: What you don't know, will hurt you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Even if the marriage was "ending and breaking down and heading for divorce soon" (ha never heard that one before), I would want to know the truth. The truth elevates and helps people understand what the marriage is - or was - what ever the outcome. If we never understand the truth, we never learn, never grow . I want the freedom and respect to choose how to feel, think and act based on the truth. Being kept in the dark, never knowing the truth is worse than any thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) And more often than not: What you don't know, will hurt you. Yes. The confusion and the things that don't add up, the sense that "something's wrong" but not able to articulate it, the unwillingness to accuse a potentially innocent partner despite constant suspicions, the hurt and fear and uncertainty now embedded in every interaction with this person you've entrusted with your closest self...those are incredibly damaging things. Tell. OP, ask yourself: Would you want to know? Why assume she's any different? Edited September 5, 2013 by serial muse 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spotme Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 They surely 'want' to know... who wouldn't? But then they end up torturing themselves with it for the rest of their lives. Sometimes 'what you don't know won't hurt you.' That is a truism. I know it is most convenient for you to believe this, but many many of us BS have explained over and over how very negatively our lives and our children's lives were impacted before we even knew of the affair. Dealing with the knowledge of betrayal is horrible, no question, but at least at that point we are accorded the dignity of being able to direct the course of our own lives rather than being controlled by someone who absolutely, positively does NOT have our best interests at heart, no matter what SolG's MM tells her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I would have loved to have known before my wife got pregnant. I sent a link out earlier to an article that told of how one lady's cousin died from an STD she got from her husband. I bet should would like to have known sooner. Even if you divorce it's better for the BS to know what craziness they were up against. Otherwise they might be wondering, "What the hell did I do? Why wasn't I good enough?" If they knew their spouse was a cheating liar, things make a lot more sense and eventually they'll understand that their partner was living in fairytale land. It can take a while to get there but yeah. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Yes, I really want to know. I can;t envisage a situation where I wouldn't want to know. I am not a child. I deserve the right to make my decisions with the benefit of the facts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 My MM has been telling me for a long time that his BS not knowing about us is the best outcome for her and his kids and us as a couple. That he wants to go through the process of their relationship breaking down of its own accord and then openly dating me after an appropriate transition period. But... Everything I've been reading here on LS indicates that BSs want to know about an affair. I'm truly confused. I would have thought that it would be better for the BS to not know regardless of the outcome of an A. That knowing would just cause unnecessary and avoidable hurt. I would really like to know BSs thoughts and experiences. Is it helpful to know the truth of an A? Despite the hurt? If the truth of an affair is paramount, is there a 'best' way to learn that truth? I would really like to refrain from comments on future faking, etc. This is really important to me to try and understand a BS's perspective on affairs and truth. Would you want to know if there was an OOW? If you were to find out that your were not the only OW how would you feel and what impact would it have on you. The answer you're looking for from betrayed spouses is an answer you may already know if you're reality and free choice was denied you. A cheater is looking out for themselves, it's not about protecting their spouse or children but only protecting their entitlement and the control they posses. Most betrayed spouses are left reeling, not only from the affair but most often it's the lies that hurt the most. My d-day was the worst and best day of my life. It was a day that I regained my reality and the right to my own choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) It was the cheating he did that f*cked me--- not learning the truth. Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 My xH and I actually had a convo about whether I'd want to know about an indiscretion. And my position was always no, please don't tell me if you do something one off and silly. Just be remorseful and promise yourself you won't do it again. Please don't tell me to make yourself feel better. But a long term affair... We didn't discuss that. Maybe I would have wanted to know :-/ I've been with my MM for just over three years. And the way things are going... Lets just say I'm not exactly a little tray of sunshine to be around. Not really the AP escape from reality here - more like the shrew of insecurity and unpleasantness. I still love him immensely, but I don't think we're far from the crunch point. And I think in the end he'll do the predictable thing and choose the BS. I will heartbroken. But I absolutely know come hell or high water I would never tell his BS. No matter how aggrieved I feel. Is that wrong? At the end of the day if there ceases to be an A and things revert to the status quo, would you as the BS still want to know that the A took place? Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Yeah, cheaters just can't get it that the lies are the most damaging thing of all. Cheating you can forgive, but the lies make it so you don't know up from down...you can no longer be sure of anything they say. It makes life completely crazy. Once you go far enough down that road, there's no turning back. For instance if I learn all the details of the affair from snooping rather than WS coming forward. Wayyy harder to rebuild trust. Pretty much impossible because you know when things are hard they will lie. No amount of truth in the form of "I didn't cheat today!" will solve your issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 At the end of the day if there ceases to be an A and things revert to the status quo, would you as the BS still want to know that the A took place? This is what my WW did: had an affair, didn't get caught, stopped affair, returned to status quo. Status Quo doesn't change my stance; I still want to know. However, there is no status quo after a spouse cheats. Her affair baggage was carried over into the marriage. Her shame and self-loathing had a negative on the marriage. She continued her behavioral patterns that needed to be addressed. One of the things that pi$$ed my off about the "status quo", is that my wife rug swept all of her/our problems. In a heated discussion post d-day I asked her "So you had an affair and didn't say to yourself, "Holy %&(@, I just had an affair! Something is very very wrong, I should address this." No, she rug swept everything and repressed it until she couldn't do it any longer. Meanwhile we wasted 8 years of not addressing communication and intimacy issues. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spotme Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 My xH and I actually had a convo about whether I'd want to know about an indiscretion. And my position was always no, please don't tell me if you do something one off and silly. Just be remorseful and promise yourself you won't do it again. Please don't tell me to make yourself feel better. But a long term affair... We didn't discuss that. Maybe I would have wanted to know :-/ I've been with my MM for just over three years. And the way things are going... Lets just say I'm not exactly a little tray of sunshine to be around. Not really the AP escape from reality here - more like the shrew of insecurity and unpleasantness. I still love him immensely, but I don't think we're far from the crunch point. And I think in the end he'll do the predictable thing and choose the BS. I will heartbroken. But I absolutely know come hell or high water I would never tell his BS. No matter how aggrieved I feel. Is that wrong? At the end of the day if there ceases to be an A and things revert to the status quo, would you as the BS still want to know that the A took place? Yes, we would still want to know. The hurt is not in the telling, the hurt is in the million lies and ways that our lives have changed for the worse without being able to understand why or ever do the right thing to fix it. The telling helps us begin to make sense of our lives and heal. There is no going back to the status quo, that kind of betrayal never just passes without a ripple. Both the WS and BS are changed. Even if the BS never finds out, there's still a huge crater left behind by the the WS actions, same as if they had dropped a bomb. If the BS is finally told what is going on, it gives them the ability to process how and why their lives were so damaged, which is a great kindness. It's sad that you would not do that for a fellow human being come hell or high water. When the worst moment of your life comes, whatever it may be, I hope that other people are kinder to you, because no one should be treated the way you are treating, and plan to continue treating, MM's wife. I also have to ask, why ask this questions, see the pain that not knowing caused us, hear our unanimous answer as to why knowing is better, just to turn around and tell us it does not matter to you, that you won't spare the wife in this case no matter what? Link to post Share on other sites
RavenWolf Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Not really. Imagination runs wild and unconfirmed suspicions are torturous. There is a certain feeling of freedom in knowing the truth and dealing with reality. I agree 100% with this! His spouse deserves to know so she can decide if she wants to live her life with a man who could be exposing her to diseases and a possible child with his mistress. I also want to point out that if he will cheat on her WITH you don't fool yourself into thinking that if y'all did get "exclusive and he's divorced" later that he won't cheat ON you. You seem 100% okay with being a mistress and have what seems like no regard for her feelings and her life. You need to move on to someone who is unattached. I also want to point out that when my husband cheated on me with a woman who KNEW he was married, I called her and made it clear that she was to make herself scarce. I have zero anger toward the girl he had an affair with that did not know he was married. But the ones who knew....I hate and blame just as much as I blamed him. You want advice based on facts? Fact: He is living the best of both worlds and you and his wife are just pawns. Fact: Unless they agreed to an open marriage, she agreed to be married to a man that is completely faithful to her. She deserves to know that she married a man who is not keeping his promise to her. Fact: He could be sleeping with other women as well. Maybe he'll contract a disease and she finds out about his affair when she starts getting symptoms. I know my husband had affairs and was currently looking for another one. So I ended things because I do not find it fair that he gets to screw who he wants, have tons of fun, and I could end up with a disease I did even contract from having sex with someone other than my husband. A punishment for no crime. What if you end up pregnant? I see/hear about so many "oops it was an accident" stories that it is almost always a possibility. Doesn't she deserve to know he's cheating so she can decide if she wants to be married to a man that may have a family in the future with another woman? Take your blinders off. He is using you and using her. Chances are his marriage will not deteriorate to the point of divorce on it's own and you will be waiting in the shadows for months, years, or however long you choose to be his side item. Have some respect not just for her, but for yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 What if MM has had multiple affairs before you that his BW knows about and she has continued to stay with him despite these As? What if you are fairly certain that even if you tell her she will choose to just look the other way and continue in the M? If you are a recent fOW should you still tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I agree. I deserve your ire. However, I am not an unashamed OW. I feel remorseful every day. I am just too weak and in love and fanciful and full of dreams to walk away. I love my MM. However, I don't at this point believe we will end up together. There is no risk at all of my getting pregnant - physical impossibility. As for diseases... Well I know that wouldn't be from my or his W's actions. And I have faith that MM wouldn't subject either his W or I to that kind of risk. I ask the question about truth and As because it is important to me. I wanted to know what you think and feel. While I may not be willing to be the harbinger of truth myself, I can encourage MM to be. I can encourage him to not just settle back back when I am gone but to really set things aright in his M. I can now talk to him about truth and what you've all told me. Then he can decide his actions for himself. It is after all his M, not mine. Edited September 5, 2013 by SolG Link to post Share on other sites
Author SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 @Journee I'm sorry you're hurting. Please trust me when I say that not all APs are as callous as you say. Some spend sleepless night worrying about just that. It is 3.40 am where I am. And I'm posting on LS worrying about my MM's family and how he'll be with them when I'm gone. Yes, I'll take the criticism of too little too late once I've already done the damage. However, I'm human. I make mistakes. I never actually meant to hurt anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Spotme Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I agree. I deserve your ire. However, I am not an unashamed OW. I feel remorseful every day. I am just too weak and in love and fanciful and full of dreams to walk away. I love my MM. However, I don't at this point believe we will end up together. There is no risk at all of my getting pregnant - physical impossibility. As for diseases... Well I know that wouldn't be from my or his W's actions. And I have faith that MM wouldn't subject either his W or I to that kind of risk. I ask the question about truth and As because it is important to me. I wanted to know what you think and feel. While I may not be willing to be the harbinger of truth myself, I can encourage MM to be. I can encourage him to not just settle back back when I am gone but to really set things aright in his M. I can now talk to him about truth and what you've all told me. Then he can decide his actions for himself. It is after all his M, not mine. I'm not trying to flagellate you. It is just so frustrating when an OW actually asks these kinds of questions - I think maybe they will really hear what we are saying, but it never seems to have the impact I want to think it would. Maybe the gap between our experiences of the affair is just too great. Like Journee, I probably need to step away from LS for a bit - do some real work instead maybe Link to post Share on other sites
Author SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 @Spotme can you please tell me what impact you would like it to have? Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 @Spotme can you please tell me what impact you would like it to have? I know this wasn't directed at me, but I'd like to answer anyway. I think drifter777 said it best: Look, you have no idea what a BS feels so maybe believe what we're saying. We want to know the whole truth. It matters. For many, the lying and sneaking required to keep a LTA going is nearly as crushing as the deed itself and can influence their decision whether to attempt reconciliation or not. It'd be great to just be believed on this point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I probably could have gotten over the "one girl one time" If in fact that had been reality. I was doing pretty good with that. what I was trying to reconcile with him over was a complete lie, and he basically made a complete fool out of me and wasted my time for a full year. If the details had come out in the first place, there is zero chance I would have attempted R with him. Zero. That's part of the reason why he didn't tell me, (fear) and the other part was because he was trying to protect me from the awful truth (it came out anyway) So yeah, details do matter. I'd prefer to have the last year of my life not be a scam. I could have used this past year to do many interesting things besides waste my time building a life with a liar, had I been informed of the truth. I'm lucky it was only a year. I could never have found out and my whole life would be a scam. Buy a house together, get married, oh and he wanted to have a baby too. That would be nice if he was out banging hookers while I was home, married to him and pregnant. Sounds delightful Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 At this point I get a BS deserves to know the truth. But from the OW? :-/ Seriously, how would you receive me if I rocked up for coffee and... Oh by the way... I'm actually not trying to be funny here. Is that a plausible way to find out about an A? Would I live through that encounter? Link to post Share on other sites
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