Ellemeff Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 I was invited to my boyfriend of 2 years cousin's wedding by his family. I was pretty surprised by this considering I've only met this cousin of his once. I'm excited at the prospect that his family seems to be taking our relationship seriously and am delighted that they thought to include me. Problem is that the wedding is out of town so I'll have to travel with him about 1.5 away from where we live. No big deal, except that the Friday before the wedding is the rehearsal dinner, which his mom said I was not invited to attend. Now I understand that these dinners are pretty expensive, I believe it's being hosted by the groom's family, but I feel like it's pretty rude to ask me to attend the wedding but to make my own plans for the night while my boyfriend attends the dinner. In order to avoid sharing a hotel room with his mom (awkward) I also decided it would be best to get a room of my own (family isn't comfortable with us sharing a room). After a lot of thought, I'm considering not even going to the wedding. I feel like it's rude to decline the invite, but I'm not sure I want to spend my own money when I'm already feeling like I'm being treated unfairly. Advice? Thoughts on my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Why not drive up alone the morning of the wedding? It would be cheaper and you wouldn't have to keep yourself occupied while boyfriend is off doing family obligations. OR go up with BF and make it a little getaway, book some time at a spa or pampering facility while he's with the family at the rehearsal dinner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I don't think you should cancel going to the wedding. You'll be hurting your bf and his family. And that won't bode well for how you are perceived by them. Although it does seem rude that you weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner, you don't know all the reasons why ... I wouldn't take it personally. I like the above suggestion about driving there in the morning, or if you don't drive, do the mini-spa thing. Try to remember that this isn't about you. It's his cousin's big day, and your job is to be a really good-date so that you make your bf look good. Believe me, his mom will love you for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 You are overreacting. Sometimes the rehearsal dinner is just for people who are in the wedding and family. If you aren't one of the bridesmaids, then it might not be appropriate for you to go. It just depends on the family -- I've been to weddings where dates of people in the wedding weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner. I wouldn't take it personally. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I think you're overreacting, and it's not your place to care or be offended. It's your BF's cousin's wedding - her family and her groom decide who attend that dinner, not your BF, not his mother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Total over reaction. This is pretty normal for rehearsal dinners, unless you're engaged or married to someone in the immediate families. It's even unusual for your cousin to be invited, unless he's in the wedding party. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 It's all a about being a gracious guest. This is his family and how you handle this event is something you cannot redo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I feel like it's rude to decline the invite, but I'm not sure I want to spend my own money when I'm already feeling like I'm being treated unfairly. You're not being treated unfairly. I understand that it makes it kind of awkward for you that you're going to be alone for a night in a different city while your boyfriend attends an event you weren't invited to, but I doubt anyone involved in the planning of the rehearsal dinner even thought it through that much. It's not their responsibility to plan for your whereabouts. They just invited who they thought should be at the dinner, and very kindly gave your boyfriend a +1 for the actual wedding. They're not being rude. And you wouldn't necessarily be rude for declining the invite, either, as long as you haven't already RSVP'd that you'd be there. And as long as no one knows the real reason you're not going. Because if anyone knows that you're declining the invite because you're upset you weren't invited to what is normally an intimate affair with only the wedding party and close family, it's going to make you look badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I don't think you should cancel going to the wedding. You'll be hurting your bf and his family. And that won't bode well for how you are perceived by them. Although it does seem rude that you weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner, you don't know all the reasons why ... I wouldn't take it personally. I like the above suggestion about driving there in the morning, or if you don't drive, do the mini-spa thing. Try to remember that this isn't about you. It's his cousin's big day, and your job is to be a really good-date so that you make your bf look good. Believe me, his mom will love you for it. Have boyfriend pay for your room??? or half at least. This advice about being a really good date for him and make him look good - is great. I'm sure there will be a lot going on and it will give you a chance to get to know them better and for them to get to know you:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) I was pretty surprised by this considering I've only met this cousin of his once. All the more reason why you wouldn't be invited or expected to go to the rehearsal dinner. No. The rehearsal is for immediate family and close friends. Don't feel hurt by it or excluded. Fact is, if it was your wedding, would you want someone there you barely know during your own rehearsal dinner that is really is meant for family and those in the wedding party and maybe a few close friends? Don't make this about you or make it personal. Just go to the wedding and have a fun time! Be happy and positive! Edited August 27, 2013 by whichwayisup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 My understanding of rehearsal dinners is that it's usually for the wedding party...i.e. all the people who have an active role in the wedding go to dinner after the rehearsal. If you're not part of the wedding party you wouldn't be at the rehearsal or the dinner. I wouldn't be offended by it at all. Just be your bf's date to the actual wedding, no need to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, esp since by the look of it, you don't even know his cousin very well. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I'm not sure about the etiquette re: rehearsal dinners, but I do think that if it's inconvenient for you, there is no harm in declining the wedding invitation so long as you do so gracefully and within the RSVP time frame. People often do turn down wedding invitations if they can't make it or can't afford the logistics (as in your case having to pay for your own room). Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 While the rehearsal dinner is usually just the wedding party it has become normal to also invite out of town guests as well. Instead of a rehearsal dinner, since we had so many out of town guests, we did a welcome party and all were invited. Rehearsal dinners are awkward, stilted and not a lot of fun. It stinks they didn't invite you but understand it as their lack of couth and enjoy your time in the hotel room, it's only for a few hours. Maybe get room service. Link to post Share on other sites
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