JohnM Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I was sat at home yesterday and picked up my GF old phone from a few months back as I considered passing it to my Dad for use, curiosity got the better of me when I saw some guys name at the top of texts and I read it. I know this was incorrect of me, but I did it, first time I ever have. There ensued a long dialogue between her and him with alot of texts even though it was only over the space of three or so days in April. The texts were inappropriate and got worse as I worked my way down it. For example: Her ‘I wouldn’t mind if we had a sleepy cuddle for a bit’ Him ‘That sounds really nice. I’d ****ing love a cuddle right now’ Her ‘Haha me tooo. You know where I am lol’ Him ‘Aww don’t be meeeean haha. You know how to frustrate me.’ Her ‘Haha I know, and you love it.’ There was some dialogue about sending photos, having an awesome time together and stating from her ‘Haha we should totally have phone sex one time lol.’ Her ‘Haha I will let you off coz you are cute ^__^’’Sorry for being all moody today before and thankyou for meeting up for a bit, I got my <His Name> fix lol.’ Him‘Haha its okay, Just kinda sucks having to sneak around sometimes but im ok, got my <Her name> fix hehe’ Her ‘I’m really sorry, for the sneaking around and everything’ Him ‘Maybe go for a drive for a change? I just wanna spend a night with you again x Plenty of flirty texts and compliments ensue. Her ‘Hey. I have just got in and got into bed. I just wanna say thankyou for the past month. I have had such an awesome time with you, I even had an awesome time not with you, when we were just texting lol. I do hope we can be friends at some point coz you have no idea how much I am gunna miss you. So erm, yeah.’ Him ‘I’ve literally been staring at my phone trying to resist texting you since I got in the taxi haha. I really wanna thankyou too! I know tonight sucked and I feel pretty ****ty now, but its totally been worth it, had such a great month with you, and I would really like to be friends I’ll just need a bit of time.’ More stupid texts about it being hard to stop texting then Her ‘Can we go back in time to that night I stayed over, please?’ Him ‘I’d love that, you really suited my bed, it misses you’ Him ‘Meh, Im okay kinda wishing last night didn’t happen lol.’ Her ‘I was okay when I first woke up, then I checked my phone and remembered last night, then I was all like.’ At a later point a lovely exchange occurred of: Him ‘I’ll give you £20 if you leave <Me> and we can run away together. Jus sayin’ Her ‘You don’t have to give me £20.’ Him ‘Has last night not happened yet?’ Her ‘What happened last night? ^_^’ Her ‘I wish I had only left your room to get cereal lol. Sorry :/’ Him‘I wouldn’t even want you to leave for that long’ More flirting ensues and that’s the end of the texts. So, late last night she got home and I brought it up. Told her what I knew and proceeded to quote messages back to her. She said it was a stupid thing to have done and she realises how shallow it was that she saw him just for the attention she was receiving, she said she felt terrible during it all. I noted this wasn’t just an overnight thing, it was continued and planned out and not put the brakes on when it could have and that she encouraged it. She said it had been a kiss and that she stayed over in the same bed, but that nothing happened beyond that. That it progressed to him being more aggressive in his pursuit and requesting she leave me until she said no and that they should just be friends. I said I didn’t think I would be able to trust her again and that things just wouldn’t be the same. When it came down to the decision of having her on the ropes I opted to give her a final chance on this rather than cut it all off and give her the boot. It’s all happened so fast, but still my head is pretty muddy. Loveshack, I call forth for help and guidance. I told her to go stay with her mum for a few days.
aliveagain Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) JohnM, I don't know how long you've been in a relationship with her, sounds like you live together because you asked her to stay with her mom for a few days. Cheaters are liars, they will only reveal what you already know. Reading what you wrote it is very, very unlikely that after spending the night together they didn't have sex. Think back to the first night she was in your bed, did you have sex? You have all the proof you need to make a decision, if you have no children, your not married to her, you will never have an easier time of getting out of a bad relationship. This was no one night drunken mistake, this was a full one on one emotional, physical, in bed together affair that lasted more than a month. She never confessed it to you she got busted. JohnM Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your past, this is what you can expect your future with her to look like if you stay with her. You don't have all the truth from her yet, make no decision about staying until you do. Tell her to write out a timeline of all the events from how they met to how they got in bed together. See how she reacts. See if she is willing to take a polygraph because the only way I would consider staying is with the truth and she is a liar or she should have come clean as soon as you confronted her. Do not have children or consider marriage with her unless she is willing to sign a post nuptial agreement giving up her rights to a majority of all your assets if you divorce because of infidelity. You need to think about why she allowed this to happen, why she needed outside validation from other men. Do not accept any blame for her infidelity, and please get tested for STD's because they always lie about using protection. Sorry friend but my best advice is "Run." Your young, there are good woman out there that are faithful, you deserve better. You just saw who she really is, most of us never got to see that until we were married with children, you just dogged a bullet. Edited June 4, 2013 by aliveagain spelling
runningfar Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) It looks like she initiated a lot. You busted her, she never told you. She hasn't shown the level of remorse necessary. I think she's still lying to you to protect herself. More happened, from the texts. I'd bet my arm on it. She has to tell you the truth - not necessarily details, you might regret hearingthem later, but the full truth. But if she is and you do want to try it is hard work. For both of you. She has to show that she's willing to give everything she has to it. She can NOT ever talk to that guy again. There is no "friends" Complete transparency until trust is reestablished. Open access to everything (whether you want to use it or not) Good luck, Be careful Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
hppr Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Loveshack, I call forth for help and guidance. I told her to go stay with her mum for a few days. Tell her that when she comes back from her mother's house all her **** will be piled up on the lawn. Or better yet, load it up in your car and dump it at her mom's. If anyone asks say that you caught her fooling around with another man and you don't put up with that.
hppr Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 hmmm why did she keep those messages - for memories sake? Probably something like "...my boyfriend is dumb, he trusts me, lol". People who behave like that usually figure that they are smarter than everyone else and can put one over on the world. Therefore they don't try to hide their screwups. I worked in law enforcement for a little while and saw lots of this, I mean most people won't make any effort to hide what they are doing since they figure that everyone is stupid but them and they can lie through anything.
therhythm Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 First of all please do not doubt even for one second that they had sex... they did. Secondly, she is a failure of a person, just dump her and move one... If you stay prepare for the drama! She not only cheated on you but she doesn't have the minimum respect for you to confess the truth once you have confronted her... I don't even know why do you have doubts of how you need to proceed, honestly there is not much to salvage there...
Author JohnM Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 JohnM, I don't know how long you've been in a relationship with her, sounds like you live together because you asked her to stay with her mom for a few days. Reading what you wrote it is very, very unlikely that after spending the night together they didn't have sex. Think back to the first night she was in your bed, did you have sex? This was no one night drunken mistake, this was a full one on one emotional, physical, in bed together affair that lasted more than a month. She never confessed it to you she got busted. It's been three years. I'm beginning to doubt the sleeping and nothing else too, though I can't confirm it. Indeed I think that's what makes it worse in review. That it wasn't a hasty overnight fling it was a drawn out sneaking behind me cheating. If I hadn't found the phone I doubt I ever would have known. It looks like she initiated a lot. You busted her, she never told you. She hasn't shown the level of remorse necessary. I think she's still lying to you to protect herself. More happened, from the texts. I'd bet my arm on it. She has to tell you the truth - not necessarily details, you might regret hearingthem later, but the full truth. She can NOT ever talk to that guy again. There is no "friends" Complete transparency until trust is reestablished. Open access to everything (whether you want to use it or not) Good luck, Be careful Thanks for good points raised. You made a good point on remorse, as when I got up today she seemed too at ease. Like it was too comfortable, it wasn't until I started being pretty cold that she seemed to stray. She asked me if I still love her and I said its buried under alot of stuff right now and that I wont be saying it back. She went downstairs for a cry and I ignored her, upon return I stated she should go for a few days. I really can't tell, or if they had a drunken fumble and she has forgotten what happened. The fact she remained friends with this dick who was pressing her to leave me grinds me even more. If she was remorseful about what she would done she would have chopped it back then. But she persisted until rumbled and I told her last night, never see him again. hmmm why did she keep those messages - for memories sake? Not saying anything must have happened but it certainly doesn't look good. I would find it hard to trust her. She was just using the phone for about three days when her other broke, hence she probably just forgot. First of all please do not doubt even for one second that they had sex... they did. Secondly, she is a failure of a person, just dump her and move one... If you stay prepare for the drama! She not only cheated on you but she doesn't have the minimum respect for you to confess the truth once you have confronted her... I don't even know why do you have doubts of how you need to proceed, honestly there is not much to salvage there... Cutting, but fair enough points. Most of the advice from friends and family is pointing to reversing my decision atm.
aliveagain Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Why did she choose not to protect you, why did she remain friends with him when he did his best to take her from you? You can't take someone who doesn't want to go. All she had to do is say, stop or no, but she kept him hanging on, it doesn't take a month to get a point across, she let him humiliate you without objecting. You can't blame him, he just wanted to get laid and she gave him the green light. The man has no duty to you, she does and she failed miserably as a girlfriend. Did she agree to a polygraph?
Els Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Ohhh.. man. Sorry to hear about this, John. IMO? It doesn't even matter whether or not she's telling the truth about them stopping at kissing. It doesn't even matter whether they had sex or not. She's clearly emotionally attached to him at the very least - that's what matters. The phone conversations demonstrate quite clearly that she wasn't the innocent 'leave me alone!' damsel while the bastard pursued her. Quite the contrary. I would leave. Hope you choose to do the same. Good luck.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 What are your deal breakers? That will guide your decision. Did you take a look through her current phone before confronting her with your findings? She could be cheating right now, and you would be in the dark.
Author JohnM Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Ohhh.. man. Sorry to hear about this, John. IMO? It doesn't even matter whether or not she's telling the truth about them stopping at kissing. It doesn't even matter whether they had sex or not. She's clearly emotionally attached to him at the very least - that's what matters. The phone conversations demonstrate quite clearly that she wasn't the innocent 'leave me alone!' damsel while the bastard pursued her. Quite the contrary. I would leave. Hope you choose to do the same. Good luck. I was hoping you would chime in Exactly, she had plenty of chances to put a stop to it. What are your deal breakers? That will guide your decision. Did you take a look through her current phone before confronting her with your findings? She could be cheating right now, and you would be in the dark. I didn't ask to look, I guess I had enough to go on already. She appeared about 1am last night to discover I had put a again on the door, silly her. I let her in as I was too tired to argue. I then told her after thinking on ky decision I had reconsidered and decided it was over. She proceeded to beg and grovel for about twenty mins. I stood firm, she came back with a backpack on and I quickly glanced she had made some superficial razor blade cuts on her arm, I chose to ignore this ploy, gave a hug and set her on her way.
Recommended Posts