What makes certain girls like you while other girls don’t?

[somedude81]

First of all I’m not strictly talking about romantic liking. Right now I can’t think of a better word.

 

For some reason I can’t get the girls I want to like me but from other girls it just happens and I don’t know why it does.

 

There are two bigger girls in my salsa class that seem to really enjoy my company and like talking to me. I’m sure I could date them if I wanted. I also knew them from last semester. They seem to talk to a lot of guys in the class.

 

There is a pretty girl that I seem to have clicked with and we frequently talk. She doesn’t really seem to talk to any other guys. Normally I would have asked her out a long time ago but she has a boyfriend and she’s really throwing me off. If she were single, and assuming she were still friendly with me, I would probably have the best shot with her out of all the girls I notice. I almost wish she would have broken up with her boyfriend this semester.

 

Next is an even prettier girl than the last and she always has a big smile when it’s my turn to dance with her. She also seems to enjoy my company but she has a close girlfriend in the class so I don’t talk to her that much. Either way I think she’s way out of my league so I don’t think anything will, or could even happen. Still I’m going out salsa dancing with her Monday and a few other people from the class since it’s a required assignment. She and her friend are also bringing some guys so there isn’t anything.

 

Additionally there is a girl that I thought I was building a connection with but halfway through the semester she went cold on me. I strongly get the feeling that she’s trying to avoid me and it sucks seeing her talk to other guys. I don’t know what I didn’t wrong with her and what they do right. I really felt I had a chance of having her say yes to a number or a date in the past, but now I know she would say no. I can’t get over the feeling that I somehow screwed up with her.

 

Lastly is an Asian girl in my Econ class. I didn’t talk to her at all but then we had a group project a month ago and we’ve sat next to each other every day since then. We had lunch on campus Monday and this Sunday were meeting in the library to work on a pretest homework assignment, just the two of us. Odds are she only sees me in a platonic way but I’ll still try to ask her for a date near the end of the semester. It's not like I have anything to lose.

 

Of course I know that my feeling of a connection is most often not mutual. The last girl who I thought I had one with rejected me. Still I’m not sure how I was able to become familiar with her and not other people. Things would be easier if I could somehow get the girls I'm interested in to want to be around me instead of just being who I am and see who "likes" me.

[Sarah15]

sooo im a girl so i might be able to help. About the girl who you think is trying to avoid you, maybe it wasnt you, maybe shes dealing with something in her life like a parents divorce or something tramatic. girls like compliments so if you like someone, then compliment them. be yourself around people because if you pretend to be into something your not then someone will catch you in the act eventually. Alot of girls like the guy to make the first move so you can say something like: "wanna hang out some time" if they like you then they will say yes but if not, then they obviously arent right for you. try to remember what the girl is into and then bring it up in another conversation. it will show that you pay attention to her interests. i hope thats good advice cuz im only in high school so i dont really have any dating experience yet. but good luck with the girl(s)

[somedude81]

sooo im a girl so i might be able to help. About the girl who you think is trying to avoid you, maybe it wasnt you, maybe shes dealing with something in her life like a parents divorce or something tramatic. girls like compliments so if you like someone, then compliment them. be yourself around people because if you pretend to be into something your not then someone will catch you in the act eventually. Alot of girls like the guy to make the first move so you can say something like: "wanna hang out some time" if they like you then they will say yes but if not, then they obviously arent right for you. try to remember what the girl is into and then bring it up in another conversation. it will show that you pay attention to her interests. i hope thats good advice cuz im only in high school so i dont really have any dating experience yet. but good luck with the girl(s)

Thanks for the post.

 

Yeah I thought too for a while that something is happening with that girl which is making her shut down with me. But she's very sociable with other guys. That tells me that it's not her and definitely something about me. I'm thinking that maybe she realized that I liked her and she wanted to put some distance between us just to make sure I don't ask her out. Needless to say, if that's her goal, it worked.

[somedude81]

Why dont you become freinds wtih these friendly girls - go out with them and do something fun. Maybe they have cute friends, maybe you'll learn about women, maybe you'll gain some confidence. Maybe...you'll just get laid. You overthink things too much

Something tells me that they don't have cute friends. They also seem to have some Latino gang involvement or members in the their family are involved. It's just not a crowd I want to get involved in.

 

 

 

 

Why wait until the end of semester? Why didnt you ask her out the 2nd time you met up at the library?

We are meeting this Sunday. Finals start the 13th and she's the type of person who takes school seriously and probably wouldn't want to go on a date right before finals start. Still I'm sure we'll have time to talk on Sunday.

 

You are letting fear of rejection rule you. Its one excuse or self-fulfillling prophecy of failure after another.

 

You build these up in your head too much, so that when it comes time to speak to these girls, its not natural or easy or fun, and they sense your fear and you probably come off really awkward.

I'm actually very relaxed and comfortable around girls and have no problems talking to them as long as I'm not thinking about anything I want from them. But as soon as I start thinking that I want to ask somebody out or get her phone number, then I start to get really nervous. Does that make any sense? I get stuck on shifting gears from friendly mode to interested mode.

 

Why dont you make a goal of not datin ga girl, but BEFRIENDING some girls. And learn how to act around females the way you would around your male friends - calm, confident, funny.

Frankly, I'm tired of just having platonic female friends. That's all I've ever had in my life. Hell, it's been 10 years since I last kissed a girl. For once I'd like to know what it's like to be in a relationship. Does that seem like an unreasonable desire for a man to have? Edited May 2, 2013 by somedude81

[Els]

Um... they're different people.

 

The same goes with guys.

[fortyninethousand322]

The thing about this is it's very hard to do the "right" thing, when you're someone in your shoes (or my shoes, or a few of the others). Not impossible, just very hard.

 

The "right" thing would be to go about your life as if women didn't matter. Just do the stuff you want to do, how/when you want to do them. If women want to be involved they will, if not, who cares. The problem is, for most people, they're not playing catch up. They have dating experience, they've been on both sides of the fence and they know how to keep things at an even keel. To use a sports metaphor, they know how to mix the ground game and the passing game, and they keep things flowing pretty well.

 

A guy in your position is like the football team that is down 35-0 in the fourth quarter. You "should" keep mixing up your run and pass game, but that takes too much time so you just start throwing hail mary's. Not going to work very well. But you have no other choice, or at least it feels that way.

 

As far as the content of this post and the question posted, I have no idea. People just like who they like, no logic to it. I'd give you words of encouragement like "be yourself" or "be flirty and fun", but I feel like you've been on LS long enough and you've been around women long enough to know that's not a magic pill for success. I guess just go for it for any of the women you're interested in. Don't worry about the consequences because those aren't your problem. If a girl feels uncomfortable that you're interested in her, well that's on her, not on you. It's her problem, maybe she should get therapy for it...

[somedude81]

Um... they're different people.

 

The same goes with guys.

I don't think it's that simple. Or is it?

 

It just seems really weird how certain girls respond positively to me when I'm pretty much the same with everybody.

 

And it's not like the girls in the class I'm interested in have wildly differing personality types.

[xxoo]

I don't think it's that simple. Or is it?

 

It just seems really weird how certain girls respond positively to me when I'm pretty much the same with everybody.

 

And it's not like the girls in the class I'm interested in have wildly differing personality types.

 

Is it weird that you are attracted to some girls and not others?

 

Why is it weird that women are the same?

[Els]

Whoa, a SD thread with less than 9 pages? I don't believe it.

 

I don't think it's that simple. Or is it?

 

It just seems really weird how certain girls respond positively to me when I'm pretty much the same with everybody.

 

And it's not like the girls in the class I'm interested in have wildly differing personality types.

 

It's not weird at all.. they are different people. Everyone is. Even if they appear similar on the surface.

 

I can't tell you how many seemingly-similar guys have had very different preferences for girls deep down.

[somedude81]

Is it weird that you are attracted to some girls and not others?

 

Why is it weird that women are the same?

I'm not even really talking about attraction. Right now I doubt any of the girls I mentioned are actually attracted to me. It's more about liking to talk with somebody or enjoying their company. All I really need is a girl to be sociable with me and that's enough for me to engage her.

Whoa, a SD thread with less than 9 pages? I don't believe it.

This thread got moved to the General section shortly after it was posted. That's why it's pretty much dead.

 

It's not weird at all.. they are different people. Everyone is. Even if they appear similar on the surface.

 

I can't tell you how many seemingly-similar guys have had very different preferences for girls deep down.

I just feel that there is something more and I can't quite put it in words.

[Els]

Well, can't help you there without seeing it.

[somedude81]

The main thing is that I want to be able to have a "connection" with whoever I want and not just leave it up to chance.

[Els]

The main thing is that I want to be able to have a "connection" with whoever I want and not just leave it up to chance.

 

This is not possible for any person on the planet.

 

Because a connection requires the other person to connect as well, and that person is an individual with free will and preferences.

[iris219]

We are simply drawn to some people and not to drawn to others. That's how it works. It's both simple and complex. Some people have traits and mannerisms we respond to positively. Some don't.

 

Here's an example: We are getting ready to have colleague led professional development workshops where I work. My officemate and I were looking over the schedule trying to decide which to attend. I pointed out one that looked interesting and she said, "Yes, too bad 'Sara' is leading it. She walks around here like she's something special, doesn't she." I never noticed this about "Sara." I like her.

 

There was another workshop being led by a woman whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. She also acts like a sorority girl. There is no way I could sit through a session with her. My office mate never noticed this about her.

 

Then there was the guy who my office mate described as always have an unpleasant, sour look on his face. I personally love the guy. He's very deadpan and I find him hilarious. My office mate does not and avoids him.

 

There are couple morals here: 1. My office mate and I are b-tches who need to quit gossiping about coworkers and 2. We all find different traits attractive in others. There are some traits that may have a higher appeal overall, so maximizing these traits would be smart, but even then our perceptions of these traits will differ. Someone you think is nice and funny I might find annoying.

[Weezy1973]

Not in a mean way or being condescending, but the fact that you asked the original question in the first place and then added this:

 

The main thing is that I want to be able to have a "connection" with whoever I want and not just leave it up to chance.

 

...say a lot about why you struggle with both women and making friends in general. I sometimes get the impression that you think there is some kind of "magical" technique that people use to attract others or make people like them. There really isn't. Some people like you, others don't. Most people as they mature stop caring whether or not people like them.

 

You aren't going to connect with whoever you want. Ever. Some people are going to like you some people aren't. Even then, usually only a very select few become close friends or relationship material.

[somedude81]

We are simply drawn to some people and not to drawn to others. That's how it works. It's both simple and complex. Some people have traits and mannerisms we respond to positively. Some don't.

 

Here's an example: We are getting ready to have colleague led professional development workshops where I work. My officemate and I were looking over the schedule trying to decide which to attend. I pointed out one that looked interesting and she said, "Yes, too bad 'Sara' is leading it. She walks around here like she's something special, doesn't she." I never noticed this about "Sara." I like her.

 

There was another workshop being led by a woman whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. She also acts like a sorority girl. There is no way I could sit through a session with her. My office mate never noticed this about her.

 

Then there was the guy who my office mate described as always have an unpleasant, sour look on his face. I personally love the guy. He's very deadpan and I find him hilarious. My office mate does not and avoids him.

So you and your office mate see the same people in different ways. That is pretty interesting.

 

Thanks for the examples. I really do wonder how other people see me, especially women.

 

There are couple morals here: 1. My office mate and I are b-tches who need to quit gossiping about coworkers and 2. We all find different traits attractive in others. There are some traits that may have a higher appeal overall, so maximizing these traits would be smart, but even then our perceptions of these traits will differ. Someone you think is nice and funny I might find annoying.

I'm still trying to figure out what traits are attractive in myself and how I can maximize them. I try to be friendly and fun to everybody but different people respond differently.

Not in a mean way or being condescending, but the fact that you asked the original question in the first place and then added this:

 

...say a lot about why you struggle with both women and making friends in general. I sometimes get the impression that you think there is some kind of "magical" technique that people use to attract others or make people like them. There really isn't. Some people like you, others don't. Most people as they mature stop caring whether or not people like them.

 

You aren't going to connect with whoever you want. Ever. Some people are going to like you some people aren't. Even then, usually only a very select few become close friends or relationship material.

But there is some kind of magic. Some people are well liked by many others and are popular. I'm not trying to be Mr. Popularity but I wish that when I run into a girl I enjoy talking to, I could make her give a damn about me. I've been leaving things up to chance and just hoping that somebody would like who I am and it just hasn't happened yet. In a few months I'm going to be 32. Whose to say I still won't be struggling with this when I'm 42?

[sweetkiwi]

There is no magic formula. Some people are just more magnetic.

[Badsingularity]

There is no magic formula. Some people are just more magnetic.

 

People can go from having a repulsive effect to having a magnetic one.

[Teknoe]

People can go from having a repulsive effect to having a magnetic one.

 

Of course, and I don't think SweetKiwi was implying one cannot. One always can, but it takes a truly honest assessment and even humbling of oneself to step back and admit one's flaws while strategically coming up with action plans to improve oneself.

 

It's easy to post thread after thread on an internet message board. It's hard to actually put forth a good effort in real life. People who stick to the former rather than doing the latter are the same folks who struggle with the same issues for years on end... mired in their own self-defeating thought cycle and destructive life patterns. Quite frankly, some people simply don't know any other way to live their life.

[xxoo]

I'm still trying to figure out what traits are attractive in myself and how I can maximize them. I try to be friendly and fun to everybody but different people respond differently.

 

Do you have male friends?

[somedude81]

Do you have male friends?

It's amazing how often male friends get brought up when I make threads about dating women.

 

Imagine you made a thread about driving a car and I ask if you know how to row a boat.

[tbf]

People can go from having a repulsive effect to having a magnetic one.

This requires actual change which the OP refuses to do. One rejection and his life is over.

[Anela]

SD, are you treating the women differently, or are you exactly the same around them?

 

You might appear more relaxed to those that you aren't attracted to. (?)

[somedude81]

SD, are you treating the women differently, or are you exactly the same around them?

 

You might appear more relaxed to those that you aren't attracted to. (?)

It's more complicated than that. I'm very attracted to the "even prettier" girl but she seems way out of my league so it just seems goofy to get nervous around her. Basically I'm always relaxed around her. Course that would most likely changed if I decided to ask her out.

 

Frankly, how I treat women is largely based on how they treat me. I'm warm to everybody at first and if a girl responds back to me I'll give her more attention. I'm that way with all women no matter how they look. Though I do try to put in a little more effort if I'm attracted to somebody.

[xxoo]

It's amazing how often male friends get brought up when I make threads about dating women.

 

Imagine you made a thread about driving a car and I ask if you know how to row a boat.

 

You specified that this thread is not about attraction or romance, but making connections, and went on to say you are friendly with everyone.

 

I wondering if that includes men. And if so, do you also struggle with connecting with men? It might help to understand if you have trouble connecting with people, or just women.