How do you tell people nicely to mind their own damn business?

[Els]

Some important background - I'm East Asian currently living in a Caucasian country, majority of friends and family are still back where I come from, though, which leads to some cultural divide.

 

I have had just about enough of 'well-meaning' people telling me that I should push the bf to marry me, that if he doesn't want to propose soon I should go and find another man who does, that my time is ticking and I'm getting older and if I wait for him and things don't work out then I'm screwed. Bear in mind that I'm 26. Last I checked it was acceptable for 26-year-olds to wait if they wanted to. And even if I was 36 or 46, how is this very personal part of my life their business?

 

"There's no rush. I don't want children," I kindly inform them, and they just laugh it off indulgently and say, "Oh, every woman wants children, you'll want them when you're married. When you're 30 and still childless you'll really start regretting it." I have no doubt that even after we marry, they'll be prodding me about the lack of children. Seen it happen.

 

It's that part of our culture that I really, really despise. A woman's worth is measured solely by her marital status, husband, and children, and single and successful women are looked upon with pity. Worse yet, people think it's okay for them to meddle in her personal relationships with unsolicited advice based on what they think is the right thing to do based on their cultural upbringing.

 

I wish I could tell them all to eff off, but it's not that easy. These aren't just random idiots on the street. These are relatives and high school and grade school friends that I grew up with. Despite the cultural rift that has grown between us, I still love them and I don't want to just cut off contact with everyone there because of our differing mindsets.

 

I could grow a really thick skin and laugh it off, but I've already been doing that for the past few years. I'm growing weary of it.

[Roadkill007]

It'd be nice if you could just get them all in a room and tell them that you have different values and priorities than they do, eh? I understand what you mean with the well-meaning unsolicited advice from friends and family, though I don't have that issue myself(I don't have many close friends of the same ethnicity). I've seen it a lot though with other "Asians living in Caucasian counties". There is a lot of social pressure in Asian communities with this stuff. However, it's probably also because they don't think you can be happy without marriage, children, status, etc, and that's how they express their concern.

 

I don't think there's a way to stop this completely without cutting them out, as not only is this behavior a cultural norm in Asian communities, but also they consider you "one of them", and won't understand why you'd feel they're prying into your business. This is always a problem with being a hyphenated citizen... You don't quite belong in one group or the other, and reminding people of that will simply result in isolation.

 

However, if you have some CLOSE friends and relatives in this group that's pestering you, you can try to take them aside individually and explain that while you appreciate their concern, the way they show it is starting to irritate you. If you can get your point across to the people who matter the most to you, then even if you're a bit isolated from the entire group, your ties with those few people may grow stronger even though you don't quite fit in the group or have the same values/priorities. Maybe rather than just being a curiosity to everyone, you can be an experience to the few you really care for.

[crude]

Just tell them when their kids turn out to be less than what they hoped for and their husbands cheat on them with white women, they'll regret not being whole human beings, and their smiles will be phony.

[Roadkill007]

Just tell them when their kids turn out to be less than what they hoped for and their husbands cheat on them with white women, they'll regret not being whole human beings, and their smiles will be phony.

 

 

 

as amusing as this is to think about, I just have to say that within Asian communities, the husbands more often cheat with other Asian women, mostly divorcees. The hyphenated Asian guys that tend to go for white women (as in giving it a try), tend to be less integrated within the Asian communities.

[Els]

It'd be nice if you could just get them all in a room and tell them that you have different values and priorities than they do, eh? I understand what you mean with the well-meaning unsolicited advice from friends and family, though I don't have that issue myself(I don't have many close friends of the same ethnicity). I've seen it a lot though with other "Asians living in Caucasian counties". There is a lot of social pressure in Asian communities with this stuff. However, it's probably also because they don't think you can be happy without marriage, children, status, etc, and that's how they express their concern.

 

Yup, you get it.

 

I don't think there's a way to stop this completely without cutting them out, as not only is this behavior a cultural norm in Asian communities, but also they consider you "one of them", and won't understand why you'd feel they're prying into your business. This is always a problem with being a hyphenated citizen... You don't quite belong in one group or the other, and reminding people of that will simply result in isolation.

 

Exactly!! I love how you get it.

 

I've been thinking that part of the reason this bugs me so much is because I'm still very reliant on my old friends. I have had a bit of a problem fitting into the community and culture here - partly because of my innate shyness and partly because I think when Caucasians look at me, they make assumptions about me based on the color of my skin. It would help if I had integrated better here, but it's been slow going.

 

However, if you have some CLOSE friends and relatives in this group that's pestering you, you can try to take them aside individually and explain that while you appreciate their concern, the way they show it is starting to irritate you. If you can get your point across to the people who matter the most to you, then even if you're a bit isolated from the entire group, your ties with those few people may grow stronger even though you don't quite fit in the group or have the same values/priorities. Maybe rather than just being a curiosity to everyone, you can be an experience to the few you really care for.

 

Some of them used to be fairly close, but I'm not sure how close we are anymore since I've only seen them once a year for the past 5-10 years (varies depending on person). I certainly don't feel close enough to them anymore to have such personal talks with them. Interestingly enough even though I see them once a year they still feel obligated to pry.

[Els]

Just tell them when their kids turn out to be less than what they hoped for and their husbands cheat on them with white women, they'll regret not being whole human beings, and their smiles will be phony.

 

Sex tourism in Asian countries is much more likely to be white male expats/tourists with Asian females, not the other way around.

[carhill]

Gunny had a humorous posting on this topic in another thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/political-proselytization-warmongering/381088-why-do-civilians-need-carry-assault-weapons-9.html#post4737623

[Els]

Gunny had a humorous posting on this topic in another thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/political-proselytization-warmongering/381088-why-do-civilians-need-carry-assault-weapons-9.html#post4737623

 

ROFL. That is pretty good.

[Roadkill007]

 

I've been thinking that part of the reason this bugs me so much is because I'm still very reliant on my old friends. I have had a bit of a problem fitting into the community and culture here - partly because of my innate shyness and partly because I think when Caucasians look at me, they make assumptions about me based on the color of my skin. It would help if I had integrated better here, but it's been slow going.

 

Some of them used to be fairly close, but I'm not sure how close we are anymore since I've only seen them once a year for the past 5-10 years (varies depending on person). I certainly don't feel close enough to them anymore to have such personal talks with them. Interestingly enough even though I see them once a year they still feel obligated to pry.

 

I also have trouble starting to get to know people (high initial barrier because of my feelings of awkwardness with strangers), but once I start getting comfortable, the real me comes out. Maybe you can keep an eye out for other hyphenated Asians that aren't so closely integrated with their local ethnic communities. For example, while I'm Korean-American, most of my friends throughout my life have been other ethnic varieties of the Asian-American type. Each one of them were not part of a tightly knit group of their peers of the same ethnicity, but they were a bit uncomfortable with the cultural divide with the rest of the Caucasian-Americans. Even the Hispanic-Americans I've been good friends with consider themselves more "american" than "hispanic", and aren't too close to the ethnically Hispanic communities they are near(nearby socially I mean). Also, I'm sure there are many Caucasians who are curious enough to be interested in befriending you. I never went looking for Caucasian friends, but I always made some here and there because of their refreshing, simple interest(compared to attitudes of some bigots I've known, that were based on preconceived notions of Asians). Just keep an open mind, and try to be a bit courageous when you see opportunities to interact and intermingle.

 

yea, once a year means they're not that close to you anymore. You've changed a lot in 5-10 years, and they don't really know you anymore. That said, it doesn't mean you have to cut them out because they're not that close anymore. I mean you only meet them once a year, so once a year you get badgered to get married. That's not so bad if you still enjoy their company. If you can just move the discussion away from yourself at those times(like maybe try to get one of them to start talking about their kids or something), then maybe you can still enjoy their company once a year. If you really can't stand it though, just cut them out. There's no point to meeting old friends yearly only to feel like crap each time.

[xxoo]

"Respectfully, I know how you feel about the topic. I don't wish to discuss it further. How's your ________________ going?" (change the subject)

 

You can refuse to participate in the conversation.

[Els]

I also have trouble starting to get to know people (high initial barrier because of my feelings of awkwardness with strangers), but once I start getting comfortable, the real me comes out. Maybe you can keep an eye out for other hyphenated Asians that aren't so closely integrated with their local ethnic communities. For example, while I'm Korean-American, most of my friends throughout my life have been other ethnic varieties of the Asian-American type. Each one of them were not part of a tightly knit group of their peers of the same ethnicity, but they were a bit uncomfortable with the cultural divide with the rest of the Caucasian-Americans. Even the Hispanic-Americans I've been good friends with consider themselves more "american" than "hispanic", and aren't too close to the ethnically Hispanic communities they are near(nearby socially I mean). Also, I'm sure there are many Caucasians who are curious enough to be interested in befriending you. I never went looking for Caucasian friends, but I always made some here and there because of their refreshing, simple interest(compared to attitudes of some bigots I've known, that were based on preconceived notions of Asians). Just keep an open mind, and try to be a bit courageous when you see opportunities to interact and intermingle.

 

That's a great idea. I definitely agree that Caucasians are generally willing to get to know you once they sorta figure out that you are happy to speak English and are interested to know them , but the thing is the onus is usually on me to make the first move in that case. Which I'm not great with.

 

yea, once a year means they're not that close to you anymore. You've changed a lot in 5-10 years, and they don't really know you anymore. That said, it doesn't mean you have to cut them out because they're not that close anymore. I mean you only meet them once a year, so once a year you get badgered to get married. That's not so bad if you still enjoy their company. If you can just move the discussion away from yourself at those times(like maybe try to get one of them to start talking about their kids or something), then maybe you can still enjoy their company once a year. If you really can't stand it though, just cut them out. There's no point to meeting old friends yearly only to feel like crap each time.

 

We do talk online fairly often, though, and a lot of it comes out then (though it comes out more IRL).

 

"Respectfully, I know how you feel about the topic. I don't wish to discuss it further. How's your ________________ going?" (change the subject)

 

You can refuse to participate in the conversation.

 

They'd feel affronted with that response. I suppose I could steer things away, I just have to figure out the humorous and delicate way to do it. Should have been more observant back when I lived there; several of my late-twenties cousins had to do the same.

[Nyla]

Some important background - I'm East Asian currently living in a Caucasian country, majority of friends and family are still back where I come from, though, which leads to some cultural divide.

 

I have had just about enough of 'well-meaning' people telling me that I should push the bf to marry me, that if he doesn't want to propose soon I should go and find another man who does, that my time is ticking and I'm getting older and if I wait for him and things don't work out then I'm screwed. Bear in mind that I'm 26. Last I checked it was acceptable for 26-year-olds to wait if they wanted to. And even if I was 36 or 46, how is this very personal part of my life their business?

 

"There's no rush. I don't want children," I kindly inform them, and they just laugh it off indulgently and say, "Oh, every woman wants children, you'll want them when you're married. When you're 30 and still childless you'll really start regretting it." I have no doubt that even after we marry, they'll be prodding me about the lack of children. Seen it happen.

 

It's that part of our culture that I really, really despise. A woman's worth is measured solely by her marital status, husband, and children, and single and successful women are looked upon with pity. Worse yet, people think it's okay for them to meddle in her personal relationships with unsolicited advice based on what they think is the right thing to do based on their cultural upbringing.

 

I wish I could tell them all to eff off, but it's not that easy. These aren't just random idiots on the street. These are relatives and high school and grade school friends that I grew up with. Despite the cultural rift that has grown between us, I still love them and I don't want to just cut off contact with everyone there because of our differing mindsets.

 

I could grow a really thick skin and laugh it off, but I've already been doing that for the past few years. I'm growing weary of it.

 

I understand completely what you are saying. My husband and I are the subject of so much whispering and curious looks because we are not having children. We enjoy our life the way it is. Some parents feel that because they enjoy parenting, everyone else should as well. It is unusual to be a childfree couple in North America too. Last summer, my husband and I visited his family. Some random cousin asked me point blank "What's wrong with (husband's name)? No babies yet?" I just laughed and said no. I would have told her to eff off but I was raised to respect elders just like you.

 

Not every woman decides to become a mother but the way some moms talk, you would think that ALL women get baby fever when they hit 30 or 35. When these types tell me that I will change my mind, I love the looks they get on their faces when I mention that my husband has had the snip. It is like mixed with .

 

Maybe you and I should tell self righteous parents that they will change their mind about having kids.

 

As for cultural ideals, most first generation American women have to deal with the clash between egalitarian beliefs and the old fashioned traditions of their immigrant parents. My parents gave me less freedom but more housework than my three brothers, because my parents felt that I had to be groomed for marriage. I am viewed as rebellious because I moved out at 21 and I dated around, along with standing up for myself. I was supposed to be quiet, docile and naive.

 

If you don't want to discuss something private, simply say that you and your husband are keeping that to yourselves. My mother is a meddler and when she peppers me with questions and opinions, I just politely refuse to talk about whatever she is needling me about.

 

You alone have control over your life. Remember that.

[whichwayisup]

Just smile and nod, then change the subject, ask them about their lives. Cutting them off like that a few times, they'll get the hint. If they don't just be honest and nice about it. " I appreciate your input, but I like how things are now in my life, I'm really happy." Or something along those lines.

[tbf]

Ignore their question by asking them something about their lives, then proceed to tell them what to do.

[SpiralOut]

"I don't want to talk about that."

 

If they ask why not, just tell them it's personal. Then change the subject.

[Got it]

Some important background - I'm East Asian currently living in a Caucasian country, majority of friends and family are still back where I come from, though, which leads to some cultural divide.

 

I have had just about enough of 'well-meaning' people telling me that I should push the bf to marry me, that if he doesn't want to propose soon I should go and find another man who does, that my time is ticking and I'm getting older and if I wait for him and things don't work out then I'm screwed. Bear in mind that I'm 26. Last I checked it was acceptable for 26-year-olds to wait if they wanted to. And even if I was 36 or 46, how is this very personal part of my life their business?

 

"There's no rush. I don't want children," I kindly inform them, and they just laugh it off indulgently and say, "Oh, every woman wants children, you'll want them when you're married. When you're 30 and still childless you'll really start regretting it." I have no doubt that even after we marry, they'll be prodding me about the lack of children. Seen it happen.

 

It's that part of our culture that I really, really despise. A woman's worth is measured solely by her marital status, husband, and children, and single and successful women are looked upon with pity. Worse yet, people think it's okay for them to meddle in her personal relationships with unsolicited advice based on what they think is the right thing to do based on their cultural upbringing.

 

I wish I could tell them all to eff off, but it's not that easy. These aren't just random idiots on the street. These are relatives and high school and grade school friends that I grew up with. Despite the cultural rift that has grown between us, I still love them and I don't want to just cut off contact with everyone there because of our differing mindsets.

 

I could grow a really thick skin and laugh it off, but I've already been doing that for the past few years. I'm growing weary of it.

 

I have two answers for you that have worked well for me.

 

1. Thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it, but this is my life and I think I have a good head on my shoulders and know what I am doing. If/when things change I will be more than happy to let you know. Until that point I would appreciate if we change the subject.

 

2. (more extreme but very effective). Did you realize that pregnancy is very similar to a parasite living off the host? Just think about it, just like a parasite it will leech the host body of any supplies that it needs depleting the host, like calcium, etc. It is a crazy thing, right? (I did this in my early 20s and TRUST me people AVOIDED talking to me and pregnancy again!) So any version of the above will get you the wide eyed look, the person start stuttering and a quick change of subject. And you find out what people have a delicious twisted sense of humor and what people don't.

[OpenBook]

2. (more extreme but very effective). Did you realize that pregnancy is very similar to a parasite living off the host? Just think about it, just like a parasite it will leech the host body of any supplies that it needs depleting the host, like calcium, etc. It is a crazy thing, right? (I did this in my early 20s and TRUST me people AVOIDED talking to me and pregnancy again!) So any version of the above will get you the wide eyed look, the person start stuttering and a quick change of subject. And you find out what people have a delicious twisted sense of humor and what people don't.

 

ahahahahahahhhaaaaa Ask them if they've ever seen the Alien movies with Sigourney Weaver. Get the mental images going in their minds. hahahaha

 

But I know Elswyth's frustration very well. Being the youngest, I've always been my family's personal "home improvement project" and have never been able to break them of that habit, telling me how to conduct my life. Especially when I compare a particular criticism of some aspect of my life with their life, and realizing I'M DOING BETTER THAN THEY ARE. If I challenge them they get ever more relentless hounding me. But if I go quiet and don't respond they eventually get tired of beating a dead horse and move on to something else.

 

Another thing that helps is I just avoid talking about personal things in my life with them - being careful to never bring it up myself. If they ask, I give Very brief answers to their questions. Don't give out ANY vibes that you're troubled or seeking answers, to ANYTHING! It does require a lot of listening (as they LOVE to talk about their own lives) but at least that's better than getting raked over the coals.

[Zulnex]

I understand how you feel.

My relatives back in Europe always ask so many questions about my life. For example: why am I single, why I haven't met anyone yet, do I want to have kids when I finally meet someone...

They never seem to run out of questions and have even mentioned "arranged marriage."

I always thank them for caring and politely say that it's my life and I have my own plans.

After being asked all those questions, changing the subject helps me out so I do not have to deal with explaining the same things over and over again.

Hope this helped and best of luck to you.

Edited April 6, 2013 by Zulnex

[fortyninethousand322]

People are generally busybodies. It might be a part of human nature, or it might be something most people have been culturally conditioned into. But it's something I don't like.