On again/off again... need it to stay OFF

[divorce3]

I am in my mid fifties and have been in an unhealthy dependent relationship with a man nearly 20 years my senior, off and on for nearly six years. I am always the one who breaks it off, and each time I am positive I am done. I have a lot of depression/anxiety issues, and have a hard time without someone to talk to and spend time with. After months apart, we inevitably run into each other somewhere and start talking. Every time he is full of loving words and honeyed praise. He always insists he still loves me and only me, and that no one else could ever replace me.

I always believe him, naive beyond all comprehension, I actually believe him. Even though each time we are apart he finds someone else. He doesn't tell me about her until he's sure I'm too reinfatuated with him to take off though, then he dumps the new woman.

I have tried everything I can think of to remove myself from this man's life and stay gone. Even though he threatened leaving me if I didn't sleep at his home, didn't have sex with him, didn't see him every evening... he didn't follow through. As I did each of those things, he just readjusted his parameters. Now just being friends is okay, on the surface, but he brings up his frustration at not getting more of me often enough that I can't handle it anymore and will say I'm done. At which point he says he was just blowing off steam, he's not really mad. Everything's fine.

I also constantly encourage him to find someone else, I only ask that he let me go first before he starts doing that. He says that it is an insult to push him at other women. (Ironic, considering the first thing he does if I do dump him is immediately find another woman)

It doesn't matter what happens, I cannot get away from him, short of sleeping with someone else right in front of his face. Which is not going to happen. I want to be left alone, not saddled with yet another man who claims I'm the only one he could ever love.

I don't even know if I'm capable of ever loving someone 'for real' ever again, 3 divorces, 3 failed intense relationships, I'm just not wired right or something.

How do I get away from this man, and stay away for good? Does anyone have any ideas for a way I can do this as painlessly as possible? (Another huge issue, I cannot bear to hurt anyone, rather impossible to abide by that, and still get away from someone who claims to love me so much)

I have a feeling anyone who reads this is just going to think I'm a fool, and I'm right behind you on that one...

[TaraMaiden]

No, but there's a co-dependency here.

 

The reason you constantly respond and fall for his advances, is - because you want to.

Something is better than nothing and you want the attention.

Your pay-off is that for a while, it's gratifying.

Then you realise it's destructive, and so.... the carousel just keeps going.

 

You need to find the strength to get off.

 

I personally would suggest some intense personal therapy for yourself, to establish why it is you desperately feel that only being with someone else, will validate your worth.

 

Only you can do that, we cannot be validated or made worthy by the presence of another.

 

Implement the 'No Contact Guide' in my signature (link).

It takes will-power but it works.

 

And yes - you're right - there will be pain.

But please trust me on this - the pain will be more bearable than considering this scenario continuing for the remainder of your days?

 

"Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again - and expecting a different result."

 

Change is required.

 

Roll your sleeves up and get to it.

[divorce3]

I just wrote you an enormous reply and lost it. I have no more time, so I thank you for your response to my posting and will quickly recap. I was both shocked and resigned when I read what you said. Shocked that you could immediately see so much of who I am, and resigned because I know what you say is true. I wouldn't be involved with him unless I wanted to be.

Hating myself for being there does nothing. I DO keep repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I have that quote written down, many times. Yet I keep doing it.

He's away right now, visiting family, on a trip in which I refused to accompany him. He's back on the first of the new year... I will put some iron in my spine, and get out. During the past month or so, I've already done most of the things recommended in the 'no contact guide', it won't take long to remove anything else that remains...

The biggest problem will be removing him from my email, and not picking up his phone calls... he will abide by my decision if I tell him I do not want him to contact me anymore. But only for so long, then he will try again, at a time when he knows I'm most vulnerable.

This is my chance to remove him and make it permanent. I know I need to find something, many things, to fill that gap in my life so I don't end up lost and wanting him again.

It is going to be painful and difficult, and I am so angry with myself that I have to once again wean him from my thoughts and heart. He so strongly dominates most of the space, it seems impossible. But, anything is possible, if I believe in it enough, right?

Thank you again for being so kind and responding, I really needed someone to do that.

[TaraMaiden]

You can make things easier for yourself.

Change your email address. It's the simplest thing in the world.

I have 4 different addresses, and I use them for different things.

One has now fallen into complete dis-use, so I plan to de-activate it.

I wrote to all those necessary and advised them. It was a doddle.

 

Change your phone number too.

Really, it's no hardship.

If you were to move cross-country, you'd have to do that - right?

So implement a change of number too.

Delete his details, block him completely.

 

It can be done - and you can do it.

 

It's part of the cure to wish to be cured - but the effort has to come from you.

 

Congratulations on seeing things as they really are.

That alone, adds weight and strength to your intentions.

Only you can make you happy.

 

Do not be a victim to someone else's dysfunction.

It's your choice.

 

Be happy.

Start 2013 as you mean to go on.

Single, dignified and in charge.

 

What better mantra could you recite?

What better gift could you give yourself?