Why can't I have a normal friendship with this guy?

[bubbly90]

I post here because I'm not "transitioning" into anything (FWB), nor this is a problem of platonic friendship. Somewhere in between, perhaps. This post is also long, as you can tell. I know, I'm sorry, English is not even my first language. I've tried not to post this for a week, but guessed that talking about it could help.

 

I have this male best friend I've known for two years. We always got along well, and we formed almost immediately a very close and slightly weird relationship, with lots and lots talking, playful wrestling and some cuddling – nothing that ever turned sexual. During the first year of our relationship, I had been in love with him, like I have never been before, but he always said that though our relationship was admittedly unique, he didn't want anything more. I had to let it go, and after a while I truly did.

 

We can't really see each other much anymore because of collage (he had to move town), so once in a while one of us takes a bus and visits the other for a few days; we do, however, talk daily or so on facebook, even if just to say hi.

 

Unfortunately, two weeks ago I went to visit him after four whole months, and although it was fun, now I'm feeling slightly bad and weird about it. I like to think I'm totally okay with everything about our relationship, and most of the time I succeed. For example, here's a list of random stuff that comes to my mind:

 

What happens: We spend literally hours wrestling and teasing and bouncing onto each other, we watch stuff sitting so close on the couch if not directly laying next to each other. Every time we see each other.

What I tell myself: Eh, we've always done that, nothing to worry about.

 

What happens: Sometimes I wonder what would anyone think if they entered the door and saw him pinning me down on the table while blocking my hands (just to mention one of the many compromising positions we end up in God knows how).

What I tell myself: Hey, who cares, that's just who we are, two best friends who simply can't have fun the way normal people do. Sexual tension? Never heard of it. We're happy like that. (I wish I were sarcastic, but I actually ain't.)

 

He doesn't really worry about my personal space, neither do I, and sometimes we just stare into each other's eyes while I'm sitting in his lap, wondering how and why did we end up staring into each other's eyes this time – then I realize it doesn't matter in the end. He's told me more than once that he just sees me as a very special friend, so it has to be true, and it has to be just that. Weird, but true. I actually enjoy it and accept everything as just the way things are between us, like he told me to do. After all, it's been like this for two years.

 

What made me think back to every little detail, then?

 

Well, it's a number of minor things, really. His roommate noticed how we apparently ‘mirror’ each other a lot, and I was all: "… Well. Whatever, we're just two very close friends and it shows. We only see each other five times a year at most now, for a couple of days, but we do talk pretty much daily on facebook, that's why." Or, we tend to bicker all the freaking time and his other friend just had to comment on how "cute" we were. I tried to ignore that too; relationships aren't always what you'd expect, guess what, our is one of those. It's not easy, but I can rationalize pretty much everything if I put my mind to it.

 

But then one morning I went to his bed because he wouldn't get up, and he made me lay next to him. We hugged (we're used to it) and this time my breathing got a little heavy, but I assumed it was because I had been attracted to him and that kind of thing never really fades away. So I thought it would steady in no time and all would be forgotten. That's when he started breathing weirdly and heavily. And our legs got all entwined, a little too much. Not enough to feel uncomfortable, but to mess with my head like crazy? Oh yeah.

 

… So. We just cuddled like that for a while and then fell asleep, nothing really happened, I know that. I know it's stupid. But now I'm just… I keep thinking and thinking about what the hell is in his head, what the hell his problem is and, you know, in the end it doesn't really matter if he didn't notice anything and thought there was nothing wrong. What matters is that I am still thinking like this, after all this time, and I'm so sick of it. I'm not even sure I'd want him as my boyfriend, I think I just love him a lot as a friend, but then again… He keeps confusing me, even though he doesn't mean to.

 

Sometimes I just wish he was with someone, because while I'm sure it would hurt at first, eventually I would stop thinking like this, hopefully. But no, he hasn't even liked anybody since I've known him (probably longer). Nor male nor female. How WEIRD this guy is. He's made some vague claims to be asexual at the beginning of our relationship, then changed his mind, then whatever. I guess it would help if I had a boyfriend and he didn't act jealous about it, but all the guys I've dated so far bored me, so I'm still working on that. (I never told him about them because I don't want him to think I'm playing some sort of game. And I don't want to use anybody else just to test him, either.)

 

Now. I do not want to end this relationship. As I said, he's one of my best friends. I can't really ask him to stop the cuddling because we've already fought over that, big time, and he told me he has no intention to stop because he just acts upon his feelings, and true friendship can't pretend or something. I'm also sick of talking about any of this, it's been a year and I don't want to go back there, thank you.

 

But I'm not sure how am I supposed to change it: we see each other so little now that some hugging or physical contact is the least we can do. But at the same time I'm afraid something like this might happen again, and I can't really tell my body and my mind to shut up like that, especially if I feel and hear him having the same reacitons. Or whatever it is that he has, I gave up on trying to understand him when it comes to me a looong time ago. When I tried to make him explain, this is basically what I got: "I act like this with all my friends. No wait, that isn't totally true, I treat you like this on a regular basis, the others just once in a while. But that doesn't mean anything. I mean. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS OKAY, I just want things to stay like this."

 

Any suggestions? Has anyone ever been in such a weird place with their best friend? Why doesn't it feel like we're just friends, almost never? I swear I try so hard…

[carhill]

Well, I'm sure you'll get a lot of diverse comments but I have a question:

 

Would either of you engage in the behaviors you describe, especially the physical ones, with your same-sex best friends? What have you observed?

 

Welcome to LS

[jimloveslips]

You're going to have to tell him this "relationship" its unfair to you - either he commits to more, or backs off.

You gotta tell him he turns you on and you want more, and if he can't go there, then the intimacy is off limits.

[bubbly90]

carhill:

 

Thank you for the welcome!

 

No, I wouldn't. I'm not a touchy person… perhaps am more now, I'm becoming a opener person as time passes. But it's kind of hard to explain our relationship. He's certainly the only person I can imagine doing it, but I wouldn't say it's necessarily because I'm in love/whatever with him. At the beginning I was totally into him, and I guess that helped to form this close physical relationship… and then things just stayed like that, because none of us really wanted or tried to change them. But, I have to add, I didn't have this reaction the other times, and that's why this worries me. Perhaps at the beginning, yes, I assume it's normal if your crush is so comfortable at touching and being touched by you, but since our big fight I cuddled with him normally at least four other times, every time we saw each other. I really thought it was normal, for us.

 

Greznog:

Can't really say I'm not, because I haven't found anyone else I'm really interested in since him and of course, I care for him a lot, him being one of my best friends. It's hard to tell where strong friendship love ends and romantic love begins.

 

At the same time, I'm not sure I still want to get with him or anything like that. There are many things about him that I've come to realise I would never accept if they were my boyfriend's. And I know it's not fair nor possible to change him… well, it's not even an option, so why bother thinking about it? That's why I don't think I'm really in love with him, just haven't found someone else yet. At least that's what I thought, I admit this last visit puzzled me a little and that's why I came here in the first place

 

I don't know if that made much sense, but anyway, even if I truly was in love with him, what you'd suggest? Just throw away two years of great (and when I say ‘great’ I mean ‘textbook great’) friendship?

[bubbly90]

You're going to have to tell him this "relationship" its unfair to you - either he commits to more, or backs off.

You gotta tell him he turns you on and you want more, and if he can't go there, then the intimacy is off limits.

 

I've… kind of tried that? His reasoning is basically that since he's told me he sees me just as a friend then he can do pretty much everything, because he means it as a friend to a friend. In a way it's not entirely wrong, I suppose? And it's not like he truly ever tried anything serious, so.

 

I'm not saying he's right. Exactly a year ago I agreed to what he said because it was really an awful couple of months (not just for him) and I was so tired of fighting with him. Now it would seem a little weird to bring this up again, I think? And we live far off one another, I'm afraid this could seriously hurt our friendship because he always gets so defensive about it…

 

… I realize I may be making excuses. I just don't want all the frustrating, draining drama that happened the last time we talked about this.

[AsItIs]

That's an easy one....

 

He's got a fetish for wrestling with the opposite sex.I'm not sure how much info is out there but you should Google it.This probably turns him on more than sex ever could.

 

 

Edit* May I add that he gets defensive when you ask him about it because he's probably ashamed.I would approach it very lightly.

Edited November 12, 2012 by AsItIs

[bubbly90]

He's got a fetish for wrestling with the opposite sex.I'm not sure how much info is out there but you should Google it.This probably turns him on more than sex ever could.

 

XD Thank you, this comment acutally made me laugh. Not because it couldn't be true, quite the contrary (sometimes I think he asked me openly to do it…). I have never been bothered by the wrestling, just thought it was weird in a cute way, so I never seriously confronted him on that. (I have fun too wrestling with him, so, uhm.) Actually, I think I always told him something like "the wrestling is okay because we're weird, but do you really think it's normal randomly stroke the hair of someone you don't love but you know has a crush on you? 'CAUSE IT ISN'T."

 

When you say "lightly" you mean, like, joking about it? I'm afraid it wouldn't get me anywhere, we already joke a lot about it. Usually he teases me until I snap and try to kill him and so on. I pointed that to him, and he kind of agreed.

[AsItIs]

Lol! You guys are a match made in heaven!

 

I mean "lightly" like don't accuse him of being strange or freakish but, I guess you guys are comfortable enough with each other that you've already established the weirdness of your relationship (which is good) I would say something like "I think it's cute that you have a wrestling fetish....I do too.Now if you wanna keep playin-give me a kiss"

[bubbly90]

Well, sounds good, but unfortunately I know him and I know that it wouldn't go exactly like that. XD You also almost gave me hope, which in my situation is wrong…

 

I'm not sure the "wrestling fetish" is his problem, because… well, it's been two years, he knows that's not an issue for me, and he's not ashamed about it. And he doesn't think he can do that with just any girl, he's told me that. I just don't see how it would be a problem, if there's a problem at all.

 

I've tried at least three times to take things to the next level. Light attempt, angry and frustrated attempt, serious attempt. Every time, he just told me he's sorry if he's given me the wrong impression, he acknowledges there's something special between us but he doesn't to be my boyfriend or anything like that. And that's what I can't understand. There's what I've written in the first post, and there are so many things… Often when we have playful (verbal or not) fights, he cries with laughter. Actual tears. He's weird and we've already established that, but to actually cry? It's not something you have with anyone, let alone so often, is it? Even with friends. I just don't understand why he never wanted to give us a chance when we just… work, click together. That is my main problem, because if he didn't have such strong, genuine responses I would have long forgotten about all this out of shame. I would really love to have a simple normal friendship with him – but then all this stuff keeps happening, worse than ever, and I just can't do this anymore.

 

There is NO WAY I'm asking him again after what happened the last three times. And talking to him has been useless so far, so I feel like I should take a decision and stick with it. Which is so hard. The more I think about it the more I feel like I should just stop "it" (whatever it is) as soon as it begins next time, but clearly it's hard…

Edited November 12, 2012 by bubbly90

[AsItIs]

Just relax....

 

He really really likes you but, I'd be willing to bet money that he's probably a virgin.

Also...even though you think he's totally comfortable with his fetish, I guarantee you it's causing him some anxieties & embarrasment.He finds you very special because he showed that side of him to you & you like it too! If you're fine with the way things are....just keep doing what you are doing , he may get more comfortable with his emotions some day but I don't think he's ready to use the word "girlfriend" because it may bring on the fear for him, that one day you guys are eventually expected to have sex. Just keep being his friend & doing what you guys have been doing.Have fun & goodluck!

[bubbly90]

Ah, I kind of worried it may be something like that. Once (when we were fighting) I told him that maybe he didn't notice, but the only thing that was missing in our relationship to be boyfriend and girlfriend was sex. I said that just to freak him out because I was angry and it worked, but it is true. When he lived here we spent whole days together: he woke me up, and it'd be just the two of us until the middle of the night. It's just so frustrating. It's been easier this year because I didn't have to actually be with him, but every time I see him we're stuck again at the same point. I'm afraid he could go on for years, if it's that. I'd just want him to make a move, I don't care if it's stopping altogheter to act like this or actually try and face this as an adult. I'm 22, I'm not a teenager anymore. But I guess things will stay the same, I'm not strong enough to stop it…