Trust issues

[loves160]

Recently i discovered my wife of 10 years had been sending sexual text messages to a mutual friend. when i confronted her about this she told me it was just for fun and that she felt safe doing this as she knew it would never lead anywhere. She sees this guy once maybe twice a week as we are both students at a kickboxing school where he is an instructor. I have text him and warned him to stay away but my wife wants to maintain the friendship.

 

Despite all my fears i have started to accept what has happened and that it wouldnt develop into something more, more whenever she isnt with me the 'voices in my head' start telling me that shes started textin again.

 

Can anyone give me advice on how to make them stop and start testing her again?

[Radu]

1- i think you posted in the wrong section

2- it is not innocent

3- you need to make her stop this

 

You are at a crossroads right now, most guys choose to cry/whiny/plead/logic in this situation. If you want some succes you need to enforce boundaries, fight over them if needed and stand your ground, and apply the 180 to your life if need be.

 

Why don't you give more info on her, what is she like and how you are.

[MooBear]

It doesn't matter who it is - she's having "text sex" with someone other than you. She may say its harmless, and yes it probably won't end up a reality but that's still a form of infidelity as far as I am concerned!

 

That's so disrespectful from both of them. And she thinks it's ok to still be friends with him?! No way!! If I found out my partner had been doing that, it would be a serious problem. And no way would he get away with staying friends with that person.

 

As for getting trust back, that's going to take time. And she has to do her part too by not talking to this guy again. She screwed up and there are consequences to that.

 

It's not harmless - you're hurt so there's the harm. Tell her to stop being so damn selfish.

[2sunny]

Since she's choosing to stay in contact with him - that indicates she values him more than you and your marriage.

 

This belongs in the infidelity section.

 

I'd bet big money she's totally cheating.

 

Give her big consequences... Like moving out today! And no money.

[loves160]

Sorry for posting in the wrong section.

 

We have both been in relationships where our ex's cheated on us. Hers was also violent too.

 

She said it was just mucking about and i may have to accept that to move forward. But what about him? Ive warned him to stay away and i think he has. Ive asked her that if she has to stay in touch then it is purely for professional reasons. She is weeks away from taking her black belt and he is one of the instructor who is helping her.

 

I only discovered the messages after i became suspisious when he was textin her at night because he was bored. they had trained together (but also as part of a large class) n it started from there. She says she doesnt/didnt realise how far things had gone. she keeps refering to it as snowballing.

 

i need to find away to shut the voices out as its making me miserable and that can only be bad for the marriage. I love her and want to move foraward buts its so hard. We have 2 kids as well plus he is married with 2 kids too.

[Radu]

I want you to read a book called Women's Infidelity by Michelle ... something [i really can't remember].

 

I also want you to keep tabs on this.

Have a way to check her messages/phones and keep the stuff you found so far.

It may come in handy at a future time.

For now, trust, but verify.

[Feelin Frisky]

So she thinks that because it won't lead to anything it's not dissing you? If she is that naive maybe you can throw a fit on her and impress upon her how unacceptable that is. But if she is not naive and trying to pass off this behavior as no big whoop, I would see that as thinking her hubby a dummy. I don't really see a way out of this without some anger and loss of respect. If it keeps up beyond that it's a definite deal-breaker.