What can I do?

[zvane]

Well...I'm in a sort of complicated situation.

 

Let me tell you guys a bit about me, I'm 22 years old, psychology student, gay, living in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I still live with my mother, until I can get a decent job and move out.

 

So, I have an acquaintance..whom I'll call S. who's in a long distance relationship with this guy called Adam, from Boston. They've been together for about a year (they see each other for months every 3 or 4 months or so).

 

The whole deal started on St. Patrick's Day, S. and I went out, got really drunk and had sex. It was....really, really good sex.

I avoided him for a month afterwards, cause I felt really bad about him having a boyfriend.

 

After some time, we chatted about what happened between us, and I told him that he was just horny, that once Adam came to Buenos Aires, he was going to forget about the whole situation, and he told me "I had the opportunity to sleep with other guys, and I really didn't want to, I don't know, you're just different".

 

The day after, I went out for coffee with him (he did me a huge favour) and we had a nice day...when I was leaving he actually kissed me goodbye (and of course I didn't complain).

The next day he invited me over to his place to hang out...and we almost had sex. I stopped him before any...uhm..below the waist skin was exposed and had a talk with him. I told him I felt really bad about doing this stuff with him when he has a boyfriend, and that he's the kind of guy I would fell for, and that I already knew how the story would end: he and Adam all happy together and me, in love, broken hearted and alone. He accepted my decision and we spend the rest of the day just hanging out as friends.

 

By this time, it was clear to me that I was starting to have feelings for him, but I tried to push them aside.

 

A week later, he invited me over to his parents place outside of town (I was having a couple of hard days, and he thought it'd be a good idea to get out of the city and just relax). He had lunch, watched Game of Thrones and then somehow (not sure how), we ended up lying in bed. He hugged me, which I didn't mind, something unusual, since I really hate touching anyone for more than 3 seconds, I actually wanted him to be closer (I was raped by my first and last boyfriend, when I was 14, so it's PTSD, according to my therapist...nasty story, I did a lot of drugs, tried to kill myself). At one point, after being in his arms for about an hour, he kissed me. I tried to avoid him but then we started making out, and clothes came off...and we had sex. It was amazing sex.

I told him I felt like crap, cause I really liked him. He didn't say anything (he's pretty quiet when it comes to his feelings about something).

 

That night, we went back to town, met with a couple of my friends, checked out some books and went for pizza. Afterwards, he came over to my place (something I never do, cause my mom's homophobic). He slept with his arms around me, again, I didn't mind him touching me, I liked it even.

 

The next morning, after shower, breakfast and stuff, we had the following conversation:

S- "We can't ever do this again, can we?"

"That would be a bad idea"

S-"I don't want you to get hurt...and not because of me"

"So...starting tomorrow..just normal friends?"

S- "If you're ever uncomfortable, just tell me about it...althought...you're quite transparent, so I'll know"

 

A couple days later, we went to catch a movie (The Avengers, we are both huge marvel comic geeks) and he came over to my place after the movie.

 

As we got ready to sleep (in the same bed) he says to me "I'm hurting you" it was a statement, not a question. He had a talk about my own feelings, our attraction...and I said I wanted to leave it all behind, try to be friends. I asked for a last kiss, just to have some closure (I know, pathetic) and he agreed. After that he tried to sleep...and somehow, I don't know how, we had sex. I really can't understand it, it was like having no mind, just feelings. Overwhelming passion and desire. Never happened something like that to me before, so I'm still shocked. This was about 27 days ago.

 

A couple days after, we met for coffee, and try to sort out what happened back at my place. We didn't really understand (I think we still don't).

He knew I was a huge mess at the moment (I'm having issues about my living situation, my friends, my unpaid jobs, school, him, etc) and he said "I don't know how to help you through this...well, I do, but I don't like it".

 

After a ten minute long silence, he said "We need to take some distance".

We both ended up crying in the middle of starbucks (two grown ups crying their eyes out on starbucks, I know), and we parted ways.

 

I realised on my way back home, just how much I cared, how much I truly liked him...and I was devastated. It's been about 25 days, and I'm still in the verge of crying.

 

I haven't seen him since, and I only texted him a couple times (one drunk texting, nothing serious).

 

His boyfriend is in town (something that makes me sick to my stomach) and they are all happy and together and I'm crying every effing day. I can't stop thinking about him, and not even in my sleep I can find some peace. I dream about him every single night, it's driving me crazy.

 

Last Saturday, I went out on a date with another guy, a gorgeous and fun guy....but I couldn't stop thinking about S.

 

What am I going to do? I can't sleep, I can't think...I'm desperate enought to ask for help to complete strangers

 

So..would you help a guy out?